My mother died in a car accident today. Slid on black ice, got on the other lane and a bus caught her from the side.
The bus driver called me on my phone, apparently he had found my number in my mum's purse. It wasn't far from home. I ran to the garage for the moped when I realized I had forgotten the helmet. Ran back and got it. The crappy moped wouldn't start. Had to run on foot. Cars turning around because the street was blocked. Firemen, bus passengers and paramedics everywhere. I only saw my mother briefly: she was lying on a stretcher, topless, medics heart massaging her. An aidman took me into a bystanding ambulance vehicle. I feared the worst already, but I followed him regardless so the paramedics could do their work without me disturbing them. Phoned my father. Dad drives directly to the hospital because the street's closed anyway. An aidman wants to know my mother's date of birth, I am too upset to recall it correctly. Some time later the attending physician comes in. "I'm very sorry. We did what we could, but we couldn't help her any more. The head injuries... sorry." After he leaves, I realize what he just said and cry in pain, alone in the empty rescue van. I call my father. He is completely shocked, he didn't know it was that bad. How hard must it have been for him, getting all the news only on the phone and having to wait in uncertainty?
The rescue van takes me to the hospital where my father waits. I quietly stare at the ground the whole ride through. Can't find my father, an aidman goes searching for him. Dad comes. We hug each other, cry hard. They take us to a separate room where we can be alone.
My father is desperate. I'm his only son and he's so afraid of being alone. Nurse comes in, tells us they're gonna clean and prepare her so we can see her later. My mother was very well known in the hospital, where she's been working as a secretary for 39 years. Various doctors who knew her and stuff come in and offer condolences. My dad calls my aunt/mum's sister and some close friends. A random young newbie preacher comes, doesn't even know what happened but offers his spiritual help. I don't give a damn about religion, but my father does, so the cleric stays. We pray a bit, then go over to the room where my dead mother is laid out. She's pale and cold already, although the accident happened only 2 hours earlier. This disgusts me somewhat when I give her a last kiss on her forehead. I mentally scold myself for feeling this way, but I can't help it.
Back in the other separate room. My aunt arrives, bursting out in tears. A friendly married couple arrives shortly after her. They all go to see the body. I don't want to and stay in the room alone, staring at the ground again. A friendly nurse brings me tea. Turns out she went to school with my cousin and thus knows my aunt. Small world.
Later on, when all are back, an unsympathetic psychologist comes and kinda holds a speech which I'm not interested in. She gives us sleeping pills for tonight. Dad and I don't give much about psycho stuff and avoid drugs when possible, but we take the sleeping pills with us, just in case.
The friendly couple drives us home (They're still sitting in the living room with my father right now). On the way home, we pass the place of the accident. It's all been cleaned up, I briefly wonder where my mother's car is. They have used road salt and put up warning signs. Won't help my mother now - we have a bitter laugh together.
I don't want to sit around with them, so I take a shower and go to my room. I call my best friend on the phone. He is ready for the bad news, as he has already read about a deadly accident of a 57-year-old lady in a red Smart and figured it'd probably be my mother. I ask him to tell my other friends. I sit down to my computer. It's still running from when I rushed off to the accident site. I find it tasteless to act as if nothing had happened, but I don't know what else to do. Another two good friends approach me via ICQ. We talk a bit, condolences, they're there for me etc. I know they mean it. I don't have very many friends, but those I do have I know are real friends. Now I'm writing this blog. It saddens me a bit that this is the thing I choose to do in this situation, but I don't have any better ideas. Maybe I'll laugh about it sometime in the future, or look back and cry.
My mother would have retired next summer. She was looking forward to her retirement, wanted to travel around a lot and maybe take a few fun courses at the university. My dad's retiring soon too, and both have no major health problems, so it would all have worked out wonderfully. But there was black ice on the road just two curves away from home.
Update, 2 days after the accident
Thanks for your condolences guys. I don't know a single one of you, but still it's somehow nice to hear.
I'm in surprisingly good mood right now. Enthusiastic almost. It's surreal. It appears the depressing thoughts come in waves. Yesterday afternoon, we had to search up a nice photograph of my mum, for the undertaker. That was hard, so fucking hard. I had no problems at all in the morning (where we had lots of stuff to organize) or in the evening (where I hung out with friends and had a good time almost like nothing had happened, except for hugs instead of handshakes for greetings). Distraction helps me greatly at the moment. Time to think makes me stare around again.
Fun fact: my metabolism has changed. I'm not eating a whole lot (which is common in such situation I guess), but I sure do excrete a lot. I took 4 craps and about 10 pisses yesterday. I wonder how my body does that
I'm gonna use the perfect weather to go sledding now, and party into the new year tonight as has been planned for weeks. Might be insensitive, but anything that helps me is fair game I guess. I'm known for being mentally stable and almost always acting rationally, and that's not gonna change now. I'm not stopping car driving for example or anything like that. The next crushing wave of sadness will be coming, but for the moment I really am fine. My father is more or less ok too I guess, although not as good as me yet. I know we will be alright sometime.
I'm fucking scared of the funeral, which will take place on monday. But after that, I hope we can find back to our new everyday lives and find happiness again.
Here's a little side story. My mother told me just one day before her death that she had bowel cancer. She had gotten the diagnosis 2 weeks ago already, but out of respect waited for the holidays to kick in before she told me. The cancer was discovered quite early, and her chances would have been good. But still, I had these thoughts of her becoming ill and bedridden... you know, I worked in a home for old people for a year for my civil service. I saw people waste away. Dozens. I knew them all and had to nurse them until their deaths. It wasn't much fun for either party involved, as you can imagine. The most important lesson I took from my civil service is that lingering illness is worse than death. I am so glad that my mum didn't have to suffer. When I die, I want it to be quick too.
I almost didn't want to reply because I just don't know what to exactly say in these situations. Your mom from what I can even gather from this post alone sounded like a very caring woman. My condolences, sincerely. I'm glad you seem to be keeping a good sense of mind, you seem bright and articulate and very loving of your family, which are traits I'm sure your mum was proud of you for having. Continue being a good son for your dad. Sorry, man.
I am so sorry man, I almost lost a parent this summer and can understand to a minor degree what your feeling. Just remember concentrate on all the good times you had with her, and honour her memory with how you live, just be the person she would be proud of.
Oh my god. This must be so rough. I am so sorry about your loss. I realize that there is probably nothing I can say to make you feel better, but be strong.
My condolences to you. That must indeed be a very rough experience. I believe in times like these, you should be with your family (your dad especially) and with close friends. I hope you'll find the strength to carry on.
I also lost my father last month to cancer, so I know that in many ways there's nothing I can say but hold on to what you have and cherish the great memories.
i'm not the type to say 'i'm sorry for your loss' but for some reason i almost cried reading this. I'm definitely sorry that this happened to you and your family. I don't know what else to say but be strong. Best wishes.
On December 30 2008 09:04 gg_hertzz wrote: i'm not the type to say 'i'm sorry for your loss' but for some reason i almost cried reading this. I'm definitely sorry that this happened to you and your family. I don't know what else to say but be strong. Best wishes.
Like this poster, I had a tearful moment reading this. I can imagine someone getting into an accident in weather like this, but I cannot imagine that happening to my own mother.
Sorry for your loss . I'm not very good at this but, try not to think so much about all the things that could have been, but instead of all the good things that was, that she put you into this world and the time that you all got to spend together. Best wishes.
meh... this blog makes me think how i'm going to react when my mother dies... T_T;; I don't want to think too much about it...
But honestly everyone is going to have to face this one time or the other, except for your case your mother got EXTREMELY unlucky to have passed away 1 year before she lives her "good life"...
If, I were you i take this time to either cry a lot because holding it in doesn't help, or reflect upon what just happened and try to remember the best moments I spent with my mother.
I read through the whole blog (which was the least i could do) and i hope you feel better soon. I guess its time to tie some bonds with your dad now that you two are gonna be spending a good time together now.
It's sort of weird, I don't know you and probably will never meet you but I just feel so terribly sad reading this. My sincerest condolences to you and your family, best wishes. I know this is TL and we're just a group of internet forum goers but if there is anything any of us can do to help I'm sure we'd do it for you. Again, best wishes man.
On December 30 2008 08:02 Scorch wrote: Now I'm writing this blog. It saddens me a bit that this is the thing I choose to do in this situation, but I don't have any better ideas. Maybe I'll laugh about it sometime in the future, or look back and cry.
I wouldn't even put a second thought into it... sometimes getting all your thoughts out in writing is very therapeutic, and it gives you something to do. When my dad's father died, my dad's work offered him as much time off as he needed... but my dad said no. He said, if he were to stay at home, he'd just sit there and think about it all day.
Anyways, you have my condolences sir... just try to remember what your mom would have wanted for you.
I'm sorry... I have also experienced a death close to me due to black ice and it sucks... just that one moment where you get that phone call and all the possibilities run through your head except you try and ignore the one possibility that ends up happening...
I'm not gonna try and tell you to do anything right now because I know how much it hurts but I've found music has really helped me. Stay strong man and your friends are there for you. Don't be afraid to let them support you.
Update, 2 days after the accident (editing this into the OP)
Thanks for your condolences guys. I don't know a single one of you, but still it's somehow nice to hear.
I'm in surprisingly good mood right now. Enthusiastic almost. It's surreal. It appears the depressing thoughts come in waves. Yesterday afternoon, we had to search up a nice photograph of my mum, for the undertaker. That was hard, so fucking hard. I had no problems at all in the morning (where we had lots of stuff to organize) or in the evening (where I hung out with friends and had a good time almost like nothing had happened, except for hugs instead of handshakes for greetings). Distraction helps me greatly at the moment. Time to think makes me stare around again.
Fun fact: my metabolism has changed. I'm not eating a whole lot (which is common in such situation I guess), but I sure do excrete a lot. I took 4 craps and about 10 pisses yesterday. I wonder how my body does that
I'm gonna use the perfect weather to go sledding now, and party into the new year tonight as has been planned for weeks. Might be insensitive, but anything that helps me is fair game I guess. I'm known for being mentally stable and almost always acting rationally, and that's not gonna change now. I'm not stopping car driving for example or anything like that. The next crushing wave of sadness will be coming, but for the moment I really am fine. My father is more or less ok too I guess, although not as good as me yet. I know we will be alright sometime.
I'm fucking scared of the funeral, which will take place on monday. But after that, I hope we can find back to our new everyday lives and find happiness again.
Here's a little side story. My mother told me just one day before her death that she had bowel cancer. She had gotten the diagnosis 2 weeks ago already, but out of respect waited for the holidays to kick in before she told me. The cancer was discovered quite early, and her chances would have been good. But still, I had these thoughts of her becoming ill and bedridden... you know, I worked in a home for old people for a year for my civil service. I saw people waste away. Dozens. I knew them all and had to nurse them until their deaths. It wasn't much fun for either party involved, as you can imagine. The most important lesson I took from my civil service is that lingering illness is worse than death. I am so glad that my mum didn't have to suffer. When I die, I want it to be quick too.
I've been checking back a bit to see how you've been doing, glad to see that you seem to be alright. I would also prefer to go out quick and suddenly, (but didn't dare to write it the first time). Take care.
My condolences to you, I can't possibly imagine how hard it would be on me to lose someone as close as my mother so I also admire the way you handle it.
What a horrific thing to happen during the holidays. I can't imagine. You're very strong and I hope you stay strong for the sake of your dad as well. But I think you're still in shock. My uncle lost his wife in a car accident as well, but he kept his mind occupied for a long time. He was sad for sure but he wasn't in the throes of grief or anything. It took him two months to actually realize what had transpired, reading some random news article triggered it for him and he fell down to his knees on his kitchen floor and broke down.
Surround yourself around your social support. Lean on them. Tell them exactly how you're feeling. And continue to do what you love doing, and focus on the things in your life you feel like you have control over and do them. I'm sorry. I told my sister about you and you're in our thoughts.
On January 03 2009 12:55 Warrior Madness wrote: What a horrific thing to happen during the holidays. I can't imagine. You're very strong and I hope you stay strong for the sake of your dad as well. But I think you're still in shock. My uncle lost his wife in a car accident as well, but he kept his mind occupied for a long time. He was sad for sure but he wasn't in the throes of grief or anything. It took him two months to actually realize what had transpired, reading some random news article triggered it for him and he fell down to his knees on his kitchen floor and broke down.
Might well be that this could happen to me. Hopefully not, but I almost expect it. It could be too easy to be true by now. On the other hand, I really have an exceptionally stable personality, so maybe it does work this easily for me?
EPT
