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Hey guys, I just started writing some poems and I'd like some feedback from my favourite group of internet buddies. I started writing after reading some biographies and feeling empowered enough to stop idling on the computer all the time. Alright, enjoy!
+ Show Spoiler +Days go by without a word,
Knowing that it is inevitable,
Always my heart looks upward,
Awaiting the day that is memorable.
+ Show Spoiler +Deep Ocean Dive
Dreams of love, roll like
Waves
A pebble, the closest
Of flames
Awaiting the spark.
Ignite the ember,
For haste be called.
If waves be true, then
Fall from fear, and
Behold the tenderness
Of her eyes
The hope of our dreams
Can last only so long
Too steady a hand,
And all will be gone
Longing the diamond
To be found,
Level your shoulders
And prepare to be
Drowned...
+ Show Spoiler +This poem
Was inspired by
a dream,
that I had dreamt,
that was a dream
of me dreaming about this poem
Of all the places in which we've looked,
The heart is the one that is often hooked.
 
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not bad for starters:D
should i let you sample some of mine?
i frequently write poetry lol haha
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Yes please!
edit: Wo, you're a girl!
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I liked the first two okay, the last one is bad though 
I think people need to learn that poems aren't just sentences randomly broken up into lines. If you don't have a good reason for those lines to be separated, then it's probably more a blurb of random thought than a poem.
Personally, none of them are really to my taste, so I'll refrain from any harsh judgement. I'll just tell you, that whether it was your intention or not, I got no visuals in my mind, and it felt very general and maybe even cliche.
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The first one was pretty cool.
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On October 27 2008 02:14 PsycHOTemplar wrote:I liked the first two okay, the last one is bad though I think people need to learn that poems aren't just sentences randomly broken up into lines. If you don't have a good reason for those lines to be separated, then it's probably more a blurb of random thought than a poem. Personally, none of them are really to my taste, so I'll refrain from any harsh judgement. I'll just tell you, that whether it was your intention or not, I got no visuals in my mind, and it felt very general and maybe even cliche.
That's true, I was just writing somethings down last night after midnight on my bed haha. I thought it would be fun to see what people would say and I take your advice to heart. I actually have no idea about the structure of poems, maybe you could give me some pointers? Maybe a book to read or something?
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Have you ever heard of Defenestrate on TL? He does some poetrys too
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United States24769 Posts
On October 27 2008 02:14 PsycHOTemplar wrote:
I think people need to learn that poems aren't just sentences randomly broken up into lines. If you don't have a good reason for those lines to be separated, then it's probably more a blurb of random thought than a poem. I agree. This seems to be a common 'problem' with young writers, but I'm always glad to see them trying, even if they don't really get the fundamentals yet. I for one can't write poetry haha.
Days go by without a word,
Knowing that it is inevitable,
Always my heart looks upward,
Awaiting the day that is memorable.
Kinda grim haha. In the second line, would 'this' make more sense than 'it'? Also, what do you mean by your heart looking 'upward'?
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Oh... I guess I should have a period after word. I was trying to write how knowing that it's inevitable that a memorable day would come, and that he/I/she/ would wait hopefully but silently.
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On October 27 2008 02:47 frozenclaw wrote:Show nested quote +On October 27 2008 02:14 PsycHOTemplar wrote:I liked the first two okay, the last one is bad though I think people need to learn that poems aren't just sentences randomly broken up into lines. If you don't have a good reason for those lines to be separated, then it's probably more a blurb of random thought than a poem. Personally, none of them are really to my taste, so I'll refrain from any harsh judgement. I'll just tell you, that whether it was your intention or not, I got no visuals in my mind, and it felt very general and maybe even cliche. That's true, I was just writing somethings down last night after midnight on my bed haha. I thought it would be fun to see what people would say and I take your advice to heart. I actually have no idea about the structure of poems, maybe you could give me some pointers? Maybe a book to read or something?
Ahhh okay  No offence, but I didn't think you'd spent much time on them. I just didn't want to say so in case you did :X Usually to write a good poem, I spend half the day thinking about it, and then however much time I need to write it.
It's my personal belief that all artists should attempt to make their work as interesting and unique as possible. That is, to make something that sets itself apart from most work. This accomplishes two things: One, your work will be the best of its kind (if it's truly unique), two, it will be less forgettable after someone has finished reading it.
When it comes to verse structure... It depends a lot on the type of poem you're writing. Typically, I usually just want my poems to maintain a rhythm from line after line... That is to say, I should be able to read one line at the same pace as another. You set the pace in your first verse... If your first and second lines aren't the same rhythm, that's not bad, but it means your 3rd line has to be the same rhythm as your first, and your 4th as your second (then your 5th as your first, 6th as your second... you get the idea). Rhythm can sometimes be artificially created by giving lines equal numbers of syllables, but this isn't fool-proof, so if you think a line needs an extra syllable to maintain rhythm, don't be afraid to put it in.
I guess what you really want to do, is just make it artsy. It's not a paragraph to be read at a constant uninterrupted pace. Even if you don't follow a rhythm, your line breaks should be significant. When you do them, you should be deliberately trying to shift the reader's focus, or to point something out. You did this okay in your second poem with the last line ("Drowned"), although it's not my favourite way of doing things.
It's good to know you're willing to hear advice. I want you to take everything I say (and anyone else says) with a grain of salt though Write what you like. If someone's advice makes you write things you like more, that's great, but it won't always. Still, I'm a very stubborn person and never accept advice unless I've asked for it, so you have an admirable quality
Below are two poems I've wrote, so you can assess whether my advice is worth taking or not (I assume you don't mind, as you encouraged TimeShifter to share):
+ Show Spoiler +
Ba Chomp
Ba Chomp
Ba Chewy
Chomp Chomp
Higgle Smithle Withle May
Bithle withle smarthy Jay
Up and up into the fray
Higgle Smithle Withle May
I've written a lot of other poems... That aren't of such a related genre, but unfortunately they're either for my book, so I can't show them, or they were written for a friend, so they're full of inside references that wouldn't make sense/would be too personal. I have some really silly dumb ones I could share though.
Cheers and good luck,
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Wow, PsycHOTemplar, how'd you come up with your themes? They're amazing! Thanks a lot for telling me about the structure and steps to write a poem. Good luck on your book!
Is your book going to be published soon? If you could remind me, I'll definitely buy a copy. I just started getting interested in reading and writing about a week a go but your poems really resonated with me. Your descriptions are really deep!
Thanks a lot, if you do readings and ever drop by in Toronto, please tell me.
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i liked the first one. thanks for sharing.
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Nice, I like them. The first one is the best (imo).
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Your first poem works pretty well, both in content and in form. I like the ambiguity - depending on the audience, the subject could be a loved one far abroad, or a stalker's object of desire, or even a severe case of writer's block.
PsyCHOTemplar addressed the latter two better than I can. “The Man Who Bled” was great, by the way.
The best thing you can do is read a lot. Learn what strikes your fancy. Constraints - rigid meter, rhythm, maybe a fixed rhyme pattern - are very helpful to start with. Read everything aloud. Edit frequently. Above all, try to have fun with it.
A sample from my blog:
+ Show Spoiler +
For Goya's Third of May, 1808
The Lord’s our shepherd, so they say.
But does he herd us for the fleece,
Or, rendered happy and obese,
We’re doomed upon the feasting-day?
Such blasphemy we mustn’t imply!
Still, public stomachs make demands.
Perhaps His bishops, round and sly,
May surreptitiously supply
Hell’s bottomless shawarma stands?
No. Neighbors from their pastures stray;
A flock no more, but brutal gangs
Advance, to horror and dismay,
All clad in predatory gray
With rifles tipped with metal fangs.
Alas, tonight is not your night.
Your horns provide a poor reprieve.
You cannot win, though try you might.
Professionals; they live to fight,
And fight to eat, and eat to live.
Arranged and crucified by fear,
You finally beseech your God:
"My shepherd, help!" He does not hear.
Perhaps he's busy nursing beer.
You stand before the firing squad.
As curtains fall, you feel within
The nagging of a dull regret.
If you could once again begin,
Don wolfen shako, wolfen skin,
And hold a wolfish bayonet...
Come hurry, mutton does not keep,
So scrape those bodies from the wall,
A feast of sheep, by sheep, for sheep,
A doner party, food for all.
Best of luck.
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Thanks a lot all of you guys! I still have no idea what books to read though.
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That was pretty good, defen. I liked the 3rd and 2nd last verses best.
I have to disagree about "reading a lot," though. I hardly read at all, and I consider myself an excellent writer. My reason is partly because I don't like reading very much, and partly because I don't want to be influenced by other's styles. What I have read, and loved, was Douglas Adams' books, but even though I used to try to mimic his style, mine is actually incredibly different from his. I think the best way to write is to just pour our your internal dialogue, and the best way to build an interesting internal dialogue, is to have an ocean of experiences and values to fish from (if you can pardon my unnecessary analogy ... Whether you gain these experiences simply by going out and doing things, or vicariously through literature, movies, and music, isn't entirely important... You just have to be a critical thinker when it comes to deciphering them. But literally, all I've read is Douglas Adams, J.K. Rowling's Harry Potter, and stuff that was mandatory for school... And I guess, more recently, short stories a writer friend sends me. Although she reads a lot, and her writing is pretty good... I'd say being a heavy reader is entirely optional.
Is your book going to be published soon?
I think it'll be awhile lol... I have to juggle school and work right now, so I'm only really 3 chapters into it. I'll let you know if I ever finish and you're still around here, though.
Some more advice... Try to show your friends your work. I can say from personal experience, it's far more interesting for people to read works by a new writer they know, than by someone they don't. I've always showed my friends my work, and it seems to be the best way to get positive feedback. And I know that when a friend has sent me their work, even if it wasn't the best, I was far more happy and ambitious to encourage them, and to try to enjoy their work than I would have otherwise. It really is fun to learn about someone thru their writing, so don't be shy around your pals... Of course... Once I had a friend who sent me the first chapter of a book he had no idea what he was doing with... He's always seemed like a pretty shallow person, and his chapter reflected that pretty well ahhahaa.... Oh well...
Write from the heart or your work will look like tofu.
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Check out a Norton Anthology and browse through it at random. If that's not an option, you cannot go wrong with Poe. Are you fluent in other languages?
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I can read french pretty well. That's all 
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Thanks, PsycHO. You're correct, it is not essential, but I've found it helpful (at least with poetry - my prose still invariably blows). On an unrelated note, if you liked Adams, you will love Terry Pratchett to death.
frozenclaw, if you enjoy fixed forms, French is better equipped for them due to a better balance of masculine and feminine rhymes. Just another option to explore.
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those are pretty good but I'm not a huge fan of needing to rely heavily on rhyme scheme in your poems.
also... to the op , vagueness in poetry really isn't that good. it doesn't connect with anything and usually just brings up big grand ideas as sort of a way for the author to make him/herself sound really deep when it actually says nothing.
example:
the earth floats by
in a vast abyss
sounds big and deep, but doesn't really say or do anything. you should add specifics to your poems to give the reader something to latch onto. do that for anything you write actually it will help you 99% of the time
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On October 27 2008 01:43 frozenclaw wrote:
Yes please!
edit: Wo, you're a girl!
hmm..lets see:
i wrote this for a friend's birthday;
+ Show Spoiler +Here's your birthday
wrapper with the sky
and tied with windy strings
its garlanded with red balloons
and stuck with tiny wings
its bigger than your arms can hold
but fits you like a glove
a birthday made of woven gold
and buttoned on with love
:D
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you should add a title to the first and third poems. also write a paragraph analyzing each one because im too lazy to read them above lvl 0 thinking. what are you reasons for separating each line and punctuation and stuff?
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On October 27 2008 01:07 TimeShifter wrote:
not bad for starters:D
should i let you sample some of mine?
i frequently write poetry lol haha
You're a girl? Wow I didn't know sg girls played starcraft!
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On October 27 2008 19:59 JMave wrote:
You're a girl? Wow I didn't know sg girls played starcraft!
T.T
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Wow, thanks a lot guys. I'll try working harder on my next poems and do as geometryb recommended
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EPT
