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I'm not the kind of person who feels the need to express himself online too much (see my post count/date of registration), but I got into a situation where this could help me.
A few weeks ago one of my friends died because of Leukemia. It's not like we were best friends, he was just a great person to have fun with and I won't forget the 2 holdays we spent together in the Netherlands. I heard about his disease about a year ago and was shocked, but I thought to myself all would become fine eventually. I kept myself informed by talking to other friends of him, but I never went to hospital to visit him. I don't know why, but hospitals disgust me, I just can't look at sick people and never would I want to see my friend that sick.
So, 3 weeks ago I got a phone call and one of my friends told me he died. 2 weeks before that phone call he got out of hospital and we had a barbecue. I remember him joking about his disease, saying stuff like "If I didn't get Leukemia, I would have never experienced how handsome I look with a bald head" or "The doctor told me I could continue to smoke Marijuana because that is shit compared to the drugs I get from him", making all of us laugh - guess that was his way to handle his disease. He never talked to me about how I didn't visit him in hospital, I guess he understood.
Since the funeral however, I have a really guilty conscience. From time to time I look at photos of him and just think about how fun it was spending time with him. I've never had this feeling of guilt and I have no clue how to handle this.
I hope it helps writing my thoughts down. I didn't create a topic, because I wouldn't want to start a discussion about my behaviour. This will most likely be my one and only blog entry, I hope I didn't depress you.
 
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Sad story.
He's in a better place now.
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tut mir Leid 8[
ich ''probe'' in meinen Gedanken abends alleine im Bett oft so einen harten Fall und dann muss ich weinen.. aba wenns dann wirklich passiert is es halt 1000 ma krasser und man kann wohl nichts dagegen machen, als es zu akzeptieren und so gut wie möglich weiter zu leben..
Und sich Vorwürfe zu machen.. tus nicht, es bringt dir nichts und ist unbegründet..
Mein Beileid 8[
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is awesome32277 Posts
Sucks. This kind of diseases have that kind of thing. they are random and most of the time you dont expect. Personally i never lost someone VERY close to me, so i have this "inmunity" feeling. I think it will hit me hard when it happens 
Good luck man
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[Oh come on - this is unnecessary here isn't it?]
- Beyonder]
err... anyways - You don't have anything to feel guilty about, but as someone who also has a perpetually guilty conscience, I know you feel and it will pass.
Your friend sounds like a cool guy how he took everything in stride and tried to see that his misfortune didn't bring anyone else down. It really puts things in perspective when you see a place like TL.Net where so many posters crave sympathy and pity for no other reason than the need for attention. We could all learn something from a guy like that. Don't feel guilty; feel grateful.
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United States24758 Posts
It might help to talk to some of those other people you mentioned such as his other friends. If the guy didn't get offended when you didn't visit him, he probably wouldn't want you to feel guilty.
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Mark Schultz wrote a song about a boy with leukemia too hope it helps in some way:
I'm down on my knees again tonight
I'm hoping this prayer will turn out right
See there is a boy that needs Your help
I've done all that I can do myself
His mother is tired
I'm sure You can understnad
Each night as he sleeps
She goes in to hold his hand
And she tries not to cry
As the tears fill her eyes
Can You hear me?
Am I getting through tonight?
Can You see him?
Can You make him feel all right?
If You can hear me
Let me take his place somehow
See, he's not just anyone
He's my son
Sometimes late at night I watch him sleep
I dream of the boy he'd like to be
I try to be strong and see him through
But God who he needs right now is You
Let him grow old
Live life without this fear
What would I be
Living without him here
He's so tired and he's scared
Let him know that You're there
Can You hear me?
Can You see him?
Please don't leave him
He's my son
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Really sad to hear about your friend.
Rest in peace man.
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RIP
its hard to die young like that
my summer school had leukemia, im thankful he survived
rip
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my sis had leukemia, and survived, but barely, we almost lost her numerous times over a 2 year period. So i can kinda feel your pain, and i understand why you would never want to visit your friend in the hospital, i could barely get through the doors to visit my sis when she was in there.
dont feel to down though. Even with the horrible disease he had, he seemed to be taking it all in stride, rather than being negative about it. If anything, remember the good memories of him and be happy you were able to experience it all and to respect his memory.
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I'm sorry to hear that. A friend of mine died during freshman year of high school; it hurt me pretty badly.
At least your friend's attitude was in the right direction.
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That really sucks man. I almost started crying, reading that. Life is too random and cruel sometimes...
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I'm sorry for your loss. But, try not to feel guilty about it. You didn't do anything wrong. I don't blame you for not going to the hospital; I have a hard time going, too. Frankly, he's better off. Having leukemia is no way to live.
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At least you have some fun with your friend (in the barbecue) before he died.
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theres not much worse than such a sudden loss of a friend.. but try not to feel guilty.. instead always be thankful for the good times and in return make sure you dont forget him.
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i recently lost a good friend this year. he was cheerful, hilarious, and always a ball to be with.
think about the good times you guys shared, i'm sure that's what he would've wanted. my sincerest condolences go out to you.
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i am incredibly sorry for your loss.
Whatever your feeling, feel it in stride. It's not right or wrong to feel or not feel guilty; ultimately it doesn't matter. What you can take from such an experience is an appreciation for what it is - you did miss those chances to visit him in the hospital. And he's gone, and it sucks, and it hurts, and it should hurt, and every moment you spend remembering him - whether in appreciation, or guilt, or with fondness or with loss, you're remembering him.
The guilt can be hard to get over (i experienced a similar feeling when i lost my grandmother), and from my perspective it should be hard. It tells me something about myself - that missing out on such opportunities are profound and encompassing and hard to deal with. It tells you something about him too - you truly do miss him and valued his person.
I can't think of a better way to commemorate his death - to commit such feelings inside yourself.
Again, sorry for your loss.
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EPT![[image loading]](http://srv008.pixpack.net/20070720202631848_sravpgivxt.jpg)
