A few weeks ago one of my friends died because of Leukemia. It's not like we were best friends, he was just a great person to have fun with and I won't forget the 2 holdays we spent together in the Netherlands. I heard about his disease about a year ago and was shocked, but I thought to myself all would become fine eventually. I kept myself informed by talking to other friends of him, but I never went to hospital to visit him. I don't know why, but hospitals disgust me, I just can't look at sick people and never would I want to see my friend that sick.
So, 3 weeks ago I got a phone call and one of my friends told me he died. 2 weeks before that phone call he got out of hospital and we had a barbecue. I remember him joking about his disease, saying stuff like "If I didn't get Leukemia, I would have never experienced how handsome I look with a bald head" or "The doctor told me I could continue to smoke Marijuana because that is shit compared to the drugs I get from him", making all of us laugh - guess that was his way to handle his disease. He never talked to me about how I didn't visit him in hospital, I guess he understood.
Since the funeral however, I have a really guilty conscience. From time to time I look at photos of him and just think about how fun it was spending time with him. I've never had this feeling of guilt and I have no clue how to handle this.
I hope it helps writing my thoughts down. I didn't create a topic, because I wouldn't want to start a discussion about my behaviour. This will most likely be my one and only blog entry, I hope I didn't depress you.