Too much time reading r/sex, r/swingers, r/polyamory. Too much time reading profiles on okcupid. Too much time watching amateurs porn.
Then I compare to the world, ethical monogamy everywhere.
Then I compare to my life, complete isolation.
I don't understand what love is anymore. I thought it was simple, "two people, bound by feelings and sex, break the rules, break one heart". It's not that simple.
I'm pondering, am I okay with my partner sleeping with other people? I'm pondering, am I okay with my partner(s) loving other people?
I ask myself this while browsing okcupid. I see all these people, with requirements, with crazy lifestyle, sex life etc. I see the same crazy things online. Everyone has issues of all kinds.
People share their messaging on Tinder. I've seen it in real life. When a woman is interested, there is no interesting conversation, there are no feelings, they change into fuck boys.
And then, of course, I compare it to my life.
I don't need to read about celebrities. Average people are the equivalent of Hollywood.
I know i am not worth anything on the eyes of anyone.
Being happy on your own is a daily battle, everyone fights it, then find partners. Being happy on my own is my daily struggle, it's either that or being miserable on my own.
It's like this old story, build a wall, you trap yourself.
Most people are quite a bit less content than what their online personalities would lead you to believe. Not that the discomfort of others should be comforting - but the % of people in happy polyamorous relationships is veery small.
I mean, loneliness still sucks, so I feel you. It might just be the defining sickness of your generation, though - the ease and comfortability of online interactions has diminished people's willingness to have more 'real' ones.
Find a hobby that requires you to meet up with people and interact with them in real life. Dancing lessons, sports, martial arts, these are ways I see adults successfully make new relationships with people. It is true that for some guys, a lot of girls are just immediately into them, but for most guys, they need to get to know you first. Putting yourself out there, not in a 'I'm looking for a partner' way, but in a 'hey, I'm a person, you're also a person, let's talk' type of way, makes that more possible.
Or lower your standards if you just really want a partner and you really can't get one.
On March 03 2020 03:03 Dangermousecatdog wrote: What is "fuck boys"?
Google gave me a bunch of conflicting information.
Usually it is something like this:
Boy A and Boy B are interested in girl Girl A
Boy A wants to fuck Girl A and move on Boy B wants to date Girl A (long term'ish) Girl A fucks with Boy A and gets hung up on him Boy A then moves on to Girl B Girl A complains about "all men are assholes" then Boy B gets friendzoned
A fuck boy is a guy who sole interest is to fuck. He can feign it for a few minutes, but then he starts talking about sex. Lots of women don't like that.
But fuck boys have three things in mind: 1 - women are sexual creatures so sometimes it works 2 - they all have at least one example of a guy for whom it has been working all of his life
3 - (what I was talking about), the day a woman is really interested, she is the fuck boy.
"I don't need to read about celebrities. Average people are the equivalent of Hollywood."
I really like that statement. Without wanting to sound overly pretentious or weird, I find ordinary people venting/talking about their lives to be very interesting. That is why I have always enjoyed reading these stream of consciousness blogs. For the same reason, I also enjoy reading reddit threads but for whatever reason, they usually feel less raw and sincere compared to the blogs on teamliquid.
Ok thanks. Your explanation of what you meant seem to be hung up in all sorts of unwritten assumptions but such is slang I guess. It's hard to impart information of a world I don't associate with.
The only thing I can say is that winlessplayer, you got to stop reading and watching those activities you recognise in the first three lines that you are spending too much time doing. Why would you yourself questions like
I'm pondering, am I okay with my partner sleeping with other people? I'm pondering, am I okay with my partner(s) loving other people?
when you don't have a partner if not for those activities?
On March 02 2020 16:56 winlessplayer wrote: Then I compare to my life, complete isolation.
meh, try going outside into the real world and meeting real people in the real world. improve upon real world interpersonal and negotiation skills that you can apply to every aspect of life.
this is the world...
be Ricky Roma ... . don't be Shelly "The Machine" Lavine.
"i'd wish you luck, but you wouldn't know what to do with it if you got it", Blake in GlenGarry Glen Ross.
Ricky Roma is my spirit animal.
" the great fucks you may have had. what do you remember about them?", Ricky Roma " what do i remember?", Roma's prospective real estate customer " i don't know ... for me. ... i'm saying what it is.. its probably not the orgasm..." , Ricky Roma
On March 04 2020 08:32 Dangermousecatdog wrote: Not to rain on your parade, but you are talking about fictional characters in a work of fiction right? I just want to make sure...
As far as how realistic the money #s are being thrown around... I think for NA, for career real estate salesmen these are realistic #s. The movie takes place in NA.
Winlessplayer, you are obviously lonely and easily influenced and emotionally vulnerable from your posts, so I sincerely hope that you do not get influenced by what was written by jimmyjraynor when trying to make friends and form relationships. All the best.
People are so terrified of being alone that they trick themselves into thinking polyamory will somehow fill the void in their soul. It's fucking pathetic really, learn to be happy by yourself instead of trying to find someone to leach emotional security off of.
On March 05 2020 02:45 9-BiT wrote: People are so terrified of being alone that they trick themselves into thinking polyamory will somehow fill the void in their soul. It's fucking pathetic really, learn to be happy by yourself instead of trying to find someone to leach emotional security off of.
yeah, i take a similar view.
i'm a happily, monogamously married man, and to me the concept of poly makes no sense. it's like logic a meth head would use. "well, building trust and commitment with one person is complex and delicate enough, so if we add more people it must be easier!" what? i don't know of any poly relationships that worked, but i definitely have direct knowledge of several that failed horribly.
to me what a relationship means includes the kind of commitment where you and your partner prioritize each other #1, no questions asked, for example in an emergency. so if you're in the hospital, or having a mental breakdown, or stranded somewhere, etc. that person will drop everything to be there for you. if you have more than one partner then what happens if both of you need support at the same time? what's even the point of calling it a relationship if you can't depend on them? how can you trust someone who might be busy sucking someone else's dick when you get into a car accident?
if you're fucking two people then you're either sleeping around with two fuck buddies or you're cheating on a partner. and there's nothing wrong with just being single and sleeping around, but don't sell me some bullshit about it being a "three way relationship" to score progressive points
so many women in poly are just scared that a man won't love them enough to be faithful. so many men in poly are just using it as an excuse to not respect their partner. and despite the gender stereotypes, the reverse can be true too. more and more men are accepting this poly shit thinking it will keep a girl around. my close friend did it, and guess what happened? she had his kid and then left him for the other dude.
On March 05 2020 02:45 9-BiT wrote: People are so terrified of being alone that they trick themselves into thinking polyamory will somehow fill the void in their soul. It's fucking pathetic really, learn to be happy by yourself instead of trying to find someone to leach emotional security off of.
On March 05 2020 02:45 9-BiT wrote: People are so terrified of being alone that they trick themselves into thinking polyamory will somehow fill the void in their soul. It's fucking pathetic really, learn to be happy by yourself instead of trying to find someone to leach emotional security off of.
I would have thought if you’re having issues with self-esteem in this domain then poly would be many times worse anyway?
On March 05 2020 02:45 9-BiT wrote: People are so terrified of being alone that they trick themselves into thinking polyamory will somehow fill the void in their soul. It's fucking pathetic really, learn to be happy by yourself instead of trying to find someone to leach emotional security off of.
Very young children who do not receive enough physical touch from their parents have an emotional void that almost nothing will fulfill. You can do things to a child under 4 that can ruin them for the rest of their lives. So I think you have to be careful with lumping all the "afraid of being alone" people into 1 giant bucket.
For some it is just standard loneliness. For others it is the symptom of much deeper issues that cut to the core of their very humanity. Calling it "fucking pathetic really" is out of line. It depends on the person. If I got heavily into polyamoury.. labelling my actions "fucking pathetic really" probably fits. However, I had a proper childhood. For people who've lived through some disgusting horrifying early childhood experiences .. they are not "fucking pathetic really" if they happen to get into polyamoury. They are struggling to fill a void that will never go away. Its sad to see man.
Honestly, other than perhaps a visceral disgust towards polyamory, what really is so bad about it? I think there is not very much evidence suggesting that it is a good thing or a bad thing.
Nothing is really wrong with it, it's basically hard mode is all. Most people already struggle to be fair, affectionate and honest with one person, so one would expect that to be more difficult as more people are involved. New dynamics arise when each partner now has multiple points of romantic contact, but a balance still needs to be maintained since people's individual needs don't go away.
People tend to get a bit snide about polyamory in general when they see a case of it not working out, but honestly, when most relationships fail, poly or not, they fail on the back of the same principles. If people choose to open a relationship, that's their business, and not something to judge them for.
winlessplayer, the first three lines of your OP are all the advice you need. If you want to stop feeling bad about it stop engaging with it. You will stop feeling so lonely within a month.
Take an analogous situation where a person is tired of wasting their money on stuff they don't need, but they browse Amazon too much, they watch too many review videos for products, and they keep visiting message boards about products.
I don't think it will magically make you not feel lonely at all, but it might give you more opportunities to feel happy doing things you do like if you stop doing things that make you feel like crap. No one is making you do these things, no one wants you to do these things... it's comparatively a pretty easy problem to solve and it might help you see a real problem that you've been avoiding through made up problems, and then you might be able to work on the real problem.
On March 07 2020 05:32 Anc13nt wrote: Honestly, other than perhaps a visceral disgust towards polyamory, what really is so bad about it? I think there is not very much evidence suggesting that it is a good thing or a bad thing.
If you love two people, doesn't it hurt to make one jealous of the other?
I don't know if it's so much worse, a lot of people stick it out in monogomous relationships that aren't good for them until they wake up 10 years or 20 years later realising their partner never really thinks about their feelings. I think it's rare in general for people to really care about anyone other than themselves, and being in a polyamorous relationship just increases the odds that one of you is going to be a toxic shitlord and fuck it up for everyone. I honestly think the main driving force behind polyamory, and maybe the only real benefit, is that if the cost of living is too high to live alone you can split the bills, and it's better to split the bills with people who are, at least in principle, supposed to try to get along with you because you're in a relationship. Genuinely I think if everyone had enough money to support themselves and live well we'd see a huge decline in living together in general. It's hard living with other people, but everything is getting very expensive and it sucks to be room mates with someone who might end up finding a partner and leaving you to find a new room mate for a place you can't afford on your own.
Polyamory is not a natural response to rent being high. That's what you get a roommate for. Opening a relationship with polyamory is akin to being gender non-binary. It's a decision people are reaching of their own, as they desire, and as archaic gender roles and relationship norms are being broken down. The stigma to being in any relationship that isn't one man and one woman procreating is evaporating, and people are exploring those possibilities as they question if those old norms were really working for them. Splitting rent can be a perk, but the people in the open relationship don't always all live together. Often there is a primary, or anchor, partner, between paramours, and that defines their living situation. There is no strict correlation to be found in the economic angle.
On March 10 2020 21:56 NewSunshine wrote: Polyamory is not a natural response to rent being high. That's what you get a roommate for. Opening a relationship with polyamory is akin to being gender non-binary. It's a decision people are reaching of their own, as they desire, and as archaic gender roles and relationship norms are being broken down. The stigma to being in any relationship that isn't one man and one woman procreating is evaporating, and people are exploring those possibilities as they question if those old norms were really working for them. Splitting rent can be a perk, but the people in the open relationship don't always all live together. Often there is a primary, or anchor, partner, between paramours, and that defines their living situation. There is no strict correlation to be found in the economic angle.
Indeed, although I’m a tad skeptical as to how many have actually cast off the ‘shackles’ of monogamous culture and how many want to fuck around/how many are just placating such individuals due to low self-esteem or not wanting to be alone.
It’s not for me personally but I can certainly see why it may appeal to some and have no objections or anything, I’ve just known a few monogamously minded folks who got burned pretty badly mentally when they tried polyamory for the ‘wrong reasons’ I vaguely outlined.
EPT
