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Self confidence hasn't been my strong suite for a long time now.
It wasn't always like that. I used to have a good sense of pride about some things I did. Why I don't really have that for almost anything anymore is probably not because of one singular reason but a combination of many things. Some reasonable and some not. But regardless of how I ended up here, that's where I am. It's been a downward decline the past 3 years at least and it's probably past the point of being healthy.
Ironically, the past three years have been a gradual rise in success for me, especially in esports.
- 2016 - Cast my first pro LAN events: Cheeseadelphia & Kings of the North. Locked down a sponsorship with Blizzard for a tournament I run(Ladder Heroes). Joined BasetradeTV for a short time.
- 2017 - Became a mainstay caster at Cheeseadelphia. Locked down my very first premier commentating gig(WCS Valencia).
- 2018 - Worked 3 of 4 WCS Circuit Events(1 as an observer, 2 as a commentator). Cast every day of WCS Challenger. Studio Broadcast for ESL(IEM PyeongChang B stream). Had so many opportunities that I've traveled 119 days this year, roughly 105 of which were for esports.
I know that these are signs of continued growth and success but I can also say that every year I feel less and less confident in my abilities.
After most events I've commentated or shows I've gone on, I've mentally caved in on myself for the mistakes I made or things I did wrong. To be honest my extremely negative view of myself has been a weird mental shield against public criticism. I've read scathing youtube comments, gotten tweets/dm's telling me what a shit commentator I am, seen a thread or two on the battle net forums asking me to be never be hired again, and even seen a notable pro player complaining about my commentary in twitch chat before. But I'm still yet to read a comment that has said any criticism worse than one I've given myself.
I know I have a lot to work on. My game knowledge is not where I want it to be. I know I'm not as entertaining or interesting as any of the other premier casters. In all honesty, I consider myself to be a worse commentator than most of the other community casters, even the ones that average 20-50 viewers. It's frustrating because when I rewatch broadcasts I feel like I can only see my mistakes and I struggle to identify things I don't like about most other people's commentary anymore.
I don't know what changed for me. I used to be able to pick out things I felt proud about my casts alongside things I thought I had room to improve on. Maybe it's that the stage is different and I feel like the bar was raised. But after every broadcast I feel impostor syndrome creeping in.
Part of it is that I think I have added less and less value to the scene. I used to organize a lot more events or make content I thought was decent but now I'm mostly casting other people's events and feel the quality & frequency of the content I put out is lower. When you're organizing events, you're not really taking away from anything. It's simply adding to the scene. But if you're mostly piggybacking off other content then it's suddenly a different bar: are you doing a better job than someone else who would have/could have cast this? It doesn't help that most negative feedback is accompanied by a "why did they get this guy instead of ___".
It's not a healthy attitude to have, constantly thinking about who I'm taking an opportunity from.
I know that.
But knowing doesn't seem to be enough for me to not do it.
And part of me wants to say suck it up and rise to the occasion. If I'm getting opportunities I think I'm not doing a good enough job with then get better so I won't be under-performing. It usually motivates me and I get gung-ho about working at it. For example, I hate where my general game knowledge is at, so I've actively reached out and asked questions or even for coaching from top 32 WCS circuit players on different matchups. I have made pushes to play a lot more to get better myself. I try to actively watch 3-5 hours of pro level SC2 almost every day on top of having a full time job. And yet it still doesn't click for me and it shows when I say something wrong on the broadcast.
It sounds so stupid but I am frustrated at how stuck I feel with my improvement at casting and even more frustrated that it feels like my success and opportunities don't reflect that. It's like if you felt like you were getting worse and worse at Starcraft but you won more regardless. There's something really unsatisfying about the situation that just doesn't sit right.
It's something I have to get over one way or another if I want to be involved in the scene. I guess I'm writing this because I find writing cathartic and helps me think, and doing it publicly forces me to be a bit more honest with myself. I hope it also explains why I'm sometimes a bit self deprecating at times, even though I try not to do it too publicly anymore since I know it's tiring to see. Thanks for putting up with it.
I guess at the end of the day it's not so different from playing Starcraft; I can't get too hung up on the win/loss result and just continue to look for ways to improve.
The saving grace is I can say I typically just genuinely enjoy casting NA SC2 events because the games and the players are fun enough that it's hard not to have a good time with it, and I'm lucky enough to have two coming up.
Maybe I'll feel better after.
Thanks for reading about my non issues.
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All casters make mistakes and lots of them: it's just in the nature of live broadcasting, and having to talk unscripted and fill time for hours on end. Unlike playing Starcraft there isn't really any metric that you can use to objectively evaluate quality (let alone self-evaluate casting quality), but at the very least you can be proud of bringing to the table NA expertise that really no other caster has. For what it's worth, I think your casting's fine.
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You always seem very passionate when you cast, I consider it the most important aspect of casting so you're fine.
Also, maybe your lack of confidence can be attributed to the Dunning-Kruger effect. If so, you're somewhere in the middle of the curve.
![[image loading]](https://catalogofbias.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2018/03/dk-effect.png)
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Johto4875 Posts
All I can say is that I really really do enjoy your casting, I'm sure you're gonna be fine 
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Italy2903 Posts
...keep up the good work man, I really like your casting and follow you through your events! don't worry, we all have bad days but you're doing well so don't mind them too much!
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This is likely going to be of no comfort to you, but I am going to provide my thoughts here.
I've not had much opportunity see a lot of your content, but with what I have borne witness to was of a very high quality; confident analysis and play-by-play, good banter with co-casters (you seem to be quite close with iNcontroL and took his ribbing with aplomb, lol) and had a great interview in one of the first Pylon Shows.
From the yearly breakdown you wrote, the difference between 2017 and 2018 seems very large, and you might be getting burned out due to the traveling and the amount of work you're doing. It might be worth considering taking a break from larger opportunities to recharge your batteries, regain your composure and see if you still have the same passion for the game. Perhaps take part in some smaller online cup casts for fun - it's well documented that when your hobby becomes your job it just isn't the same.
In the same vein, that yearly difference is evidence that you have in fact risen above your limits time and time again and have pushed yourself very far very quickly; you wouldn't be invited to so many events without good reason and you should take pride in it.
Keep up the good work.
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honestly, your knowledge and passion while casting IS lacking compared to most casters.
But why would you have bad feeling about who you "rob" of opportunities? If they were acutally better than you in every aspect, they would be chosen instead of you naturally. So there has to be something about you that at least some people admire about you over other casters.
May it be that you run into wrong calls and ppl consider it funny, may it be your hard working ethic and overall passion for starcraft or the content you put out to support the scene.
Does it make you a better caster than the others? no. But does it make people want you to cast over others despite that? probably so.
keep working hard, keep analyzing replays that are cast by top analytical casters, play lots of ladder. Be yourself while casting. That's all you can do. Worrying leads nowhere. And in reality, you are acutally making progress in your casting career!
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I am not a fan of yours. I never complained about you either on the forums, I think that is childish behaviour, there is a mute button so we can all live our lifes in peace (and I mute you less, so you became better!).
People can change, and improve. It takes two things, endurance, which from reading your blog you have probably too much of. And patience, which you seem to lack. Endurance is the active part of improving, where you push yourself to go that extra mile, where you are always in attack mode and look for things to improve. Patience is the part where you breathe, and feel how your chest moves up and down, and really focus on that feeling, and allow impressions to...well impress you, and to change you, and to develop, i.e. improve you. Listen and let it happen. (Don't listen to online forums though, this includes this silly post).
I am looking forward to an even better feardragon someday.
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Your viewer base is young. These young people are consuming a carefully stylized fantasy world universe. None of this encourages an adult objective mindset. All of it encourages the activation of many childhood and teenage fantasies.
No surprise that many of these viewers have ridiculously negative and positive opinions on real people working around the fantasy universe they love. So you've got some viewers saying a certain caster is God. You've got other viewers claiming a certain caster is worse than the devil.
Don't get swept up in the ramblings of a group of people who, regardless of their chronological age , are processing reality from the perspective of children.
Whatever you do, keep in mind that most of live-event-SC2-esports is not profitable. One stroke of a pen from an ATVI executive and most of live event SC2 esports disappears.
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As someone who doesn't follow you closely, I've never thought our scene was anything but better for having you. Thanks for your work!
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Thank you so much for your contributions to the SC2 scene, NA region in particular. I enjoy your casting more than some of the premier casters at times and I also think you have improved dramatically from where you started (it's really hard not to, especially for someone who cares as much as you do). Seriously, I can tell that you care so much about SC2 as a game, as the scene and for the players and other casters as well. Keep on doing what you're doing and just know that you've earned your success through all your hard work.
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This might be a weird compliment, but I've always enjoyed your voice when casting. I know people can't exactly change how they speak, but your voice was always very relaxing to get listen to. Certain people I can't really listen to for long periods of time, but I very much do enjoy your style of casting.
I appreciate the fact that you know and recognize a lot of the smaller NA talent and are able to talk about them when other casters are not able to do so.
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Always enjoyed your work and appreciated what you do for the scene.
If I had to guess, it sounds like your issues of insecurity and anxiety are probably not limited to just Starcraft, and I would say is the real underlying issue you need to address. I would suggest seeing someone professional, and I don't mean that in a bad way at all. I used to have serious/still have some issues with anxiety, and I used to talk to a therapist who helped me re-orient myself as well as get on some medications to help at the time (which I no longer use but were a big help). Hopefully you don't feel a stigma at all regarding it, and make sure to find the right person (try to find a contact through a friend).
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I quite enjoyed your cast for the WESG Canada qualifiers.
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just watched the cheesadelphia lan. you r doing good!
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I can relate in the sense that I often feel I make no progress in things I both enjoy, but also want to get respect or at least positive feedback.
Photography: Often enough, I post a quick snapshot on facebook and it gets (for my very small audience size) a lot of likes and good comments. I post a well-thought out photo, and get almost no response, despite putting so much work into it.
Also I often feel I cannot contribute enough, because I am simply not good enough to do anything of broader interest. Except for a couple of rare instances, I consider my comments on other photographs rather spam than interesting.
It gets worse. My buying decisions regarding equipment are always criticized by my peers.
On the other hand, I was able to achieve things all those braggart did not. I photographed a couple of very beautiful lady-colleagues and printed a lavish book. They do the talk, I do the walk.
My way.
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Thanks for the kind words everyone. I am feeling a lot better after WESG and Cheeseadelphia. I don't think the problems are solved but I at least feel remotivated and remember a lot better the parts I enjoy about casting after spending some time at some NA events.
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EPT
