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Hello TL, this is going to be a very short blog, really I love this website and community despite how many of you may think of me, I also just want to say in advance I don't really care about what people think of me, so that is why I write blogs about my personal life, because I always try to keep it real and I am actually a very honest person, anyways...
I am very terrified, I was diagnosed Bi-Polar, I didn't want to believe the Doctors so they listened to me and prescribed me a medicine called BuSpar or Buspirone, treats anxiety and also has anti depressant qualities, it is said to take weeks before it actually starts to work properly, the doctors didn't even tell me this.
The side effects of this medication was worse than the one the same doctor prescribed me 2-3 years prior, before i started traveling around, which was a medication called Depakote, I took both medications for less than a week and then threw them away, because ALL of the negative side effects would happen to me, No sleep, having terribly negative thoughts people wouldn't want to have nightmares about, sometimes I become afraid to sleep because I worry I won't wake up, because I have insomnia that bad at times.
Benzodiazepines (Xanax / klonopin) are the only thing that make me feel like a normal person, like I am actually MYSELF, right now I am having another terrible anxiety / panic attack and they are very scary, I sometimes feel like I cannot get any help b/c I have no insurance and owe so much for hospital bills because of previous health issues (Cluster headaches)
I am so scared and trying to get my brain / mental stable, no I do not do drugs, I smoke weed and occasionally have a few drinks, because it is the only thing that relaxes me (the weed), and I was previously living in California so it wasn't a big deal
So at this point I am actually terrified of having to admit myself into a mental hospital to get myself figured out, but I don't trust doctors, and I know these medications completely alter your DNA / personality, and you have less rights / control in those mental facilities than in jail, I am too afraid of being kept in a box like an animal fed pills till THEY (THE DOCTORS) think they have figured me out, when I was taking benzos that i got prescribed from the ER, I was able to work flawlessly even overtime, I am now one of the top advisors that work for Apple, but boom once the benzos were gone I am not very stable. I feel very alone, no friends really, I work from home, so all I do is stare at these 4 walls all day.
I am scared I will have to admit myself into a mental hospital, I am looking and praying for alternatives to balance myself besides finding benzos on the street....
Please pray for me.
God bless TL
 
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TLADT24920 Posts
This sounds extremely rough. A diagnosis of bipolar changes your life completely. I think you should talk to the doctor and discuss what side effects you are experiencing to try and find what works for you because I'm sure once you find something that works, you'll start feeling normal. Best of luck!
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As long as you're still alive, you haven't lost.
Keep going strong.
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I Hope this will get better.
On a side note, have you been to a psychotherapist? Maybe it is worth a shot, especially if you can't bring yourself to trust a psychiatrist's diagnosis as psychotherapists come from a different background (no medicin, more psychology and actual brain focus) and are arguably more qualified to do a diagnosis. It's never wrong to get a second opinion. But even admitting yourself to a mental hospital shouldn't be that scary, as they should have evolved from the Rosenhan experiment days.
Best of luck to you!
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This sounds like you need professional help. This is nothing anyone should cope with alone.
I was in a mental hospital for a couple weeks last year and it was a great experience overall. Of course there are strict rules but it's not like prison at all (not that I've ever been to a prison). At least here in germany. I don't know anything about that stuff in the US. Either way I think it is very unwise to not go to a hospital based on hearsay and fear alone. You should get some facts about how this stuff is handled in the US and only then decide what is the right step for you. A doctor you trust could help you get those facts. Or maybe you have something over there like an independed patient consultation that can give you reliable and independent information.
Of course, not having a good ensurance makes everything that much harder. Maybe you have a friend who can help you check the facts and forge a plan? The first step should be to have an idea how you want to handle things in the next weeks and how you can regain some of that balance.
Good luck!
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On July 04 2018 13:26 Jan1997 wrote:
As long as you're still alive, you haven't lost.
Keep going strong.
Yep. Everyone needs a little FanTaSy GG timing in their lives.
GGzerG Fighting! (And keep your chin up, though I know it is likely a difficult thing to do at the moment).
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Thanks for the positive messages, i'm moving to a new place tomorrow ssos hopefully it will help.
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On July 04 2018 22:15 GornWood wrote:
I Hope this will get better.
On a side note, have you been to a psychotherapist? Maybe it is worth a shot, especially if you can't bring yourself to trust a psychiatrist's diagnosis as psychotherapists come from a different background (no medicin, more psychology and actual brain focus) and are arguably more qualified to do a diagnosis. It's never wrong to get a second opinion. But even admitting yourself to a mental hospital shouldn't be that scary, as they should have evolved from the Rosenhan experiment days.
Best of luck to you!
No, not yet, I'm hoping to see one soon, but yea it is very expensive without insurance, the insurance from my job won't kick in for awhile, and I haven't really looked into how much it would be to get insurance itself to be honest.
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while it varies considerably by state; buying insurance yourself would tend to run around 400-500 (could still diverge from that considerably), depending on what you get; and it'd probably have a deductible of 2.5k or so.
the flux in obamacare due to politics; as well as the degree to which your state supports subsidies for insurance, could also have considerable effects on what you'd pay.
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Benzos are dangerous. I know people who got severly fucked up by taking them too long / too much. Figuring out how to get along with your own mind is a neverending struggle. Drugs can help, but imho you have to be extremely cautious. If you can't manage your situation on your own, get professional help. Do you have a stable social life? (friends, family, spouse)
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Consider Islam GGzerG (surrender to the one who creates everything, and un-ally the devil, I wish I could do this perfectly), and don't play Silent Hill 4.
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On July 05 2018 10:41 virpi wrote:
Benzos are dangerous. I know people who got severly fucked up by taking them too long / too much. Figuring out how to get along with your own mind is a neverending struggle. Drugs can help, but imho you have to be extremely cautious. If you can't manage your situation on your own, get professional help. Do you have a stable social life? (friends, family, spouse)
My family has always been a pretty broken thing and is another long story, not many real friends because I really spent the majority of my life selling weed to survive (weren't real friendships, just meeting people to exchange shit really), I had very few 'real' friendships in my life I'd say, and most of them are now dead or married / lost contact, i'm trying to make more real life long friendships now
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Hi
asking for help is hard but that is a good idea you had <3
not that internet is perfect but it exist.. and we should all feel less alone because of it.
Ok so lets get to it.. first thing first, stop weed!
stop smoking it, stop selling it!
Don't get me wrong, i see your plight and i see that you can only see the mountain of efforts coming to achieve that..
i'm not going to tell you weed is bad or that you should feel somewhat "lesser" of a human being for being addicted to it.. nope.
My point is that living in an altered state AND as an outlaw is the worst thing you can be doing right now.
Addiction and bi polarism go hand in hand to destroy your sense of self, that is what i wish to convey to you.
We are all faced with stuff in life, your mountain to climb is not an easy one and yes many people fail and fail again and again at reaching the top.. reaching a "sane stable simple" happyness that will allow you to build your life, .. as opposed to being a slave to what you are used to, what you call currently (this 5th of july) "normal".
You decide dude, don't cower in fear of the shame that you will encur on the way to the top of that mountain.. just do it.
Trust me when i say the vista is awesome once you get to the top, sadly i can't refrain from telling you (as you probably suspect it yourself already) that there you will discover a hundred other mountains to climb and the million other ways that you will be challenged in life from then on.
But the sttrenght gained from this first climb will sustain you, trust me. This is THE climb of your life.
i trust that you can do it.
Now i need you to allow me to swindle you into agreeing with me. 
# tell me if you are interested and i'll try to adress all the things i can (selling weed, how to quit ; smoking it, how to start afresh ; making real meaningful connections leading to getting friends into founding your own family (dare i say it? your own tribe) .. something worth fighting for.. etc), i feel walls of text are only good if someone has voluntered to read them
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On July 05 2018 04:12 GGzerG wrote:
No, not yet, I'm hoping to see one soon, but yea it is very expensive without insurance, the insurance from my job won't kick in for awhile, and I haven't really looked into how much it would be to get insurance itself to be honest.
Damn, sometimes I forget that health insurance in the USA is not really a thing compared to european countries. Hopefully you can get whatever insurance you need for this.
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Hang on there buddy! Don't give up and eventually it will get better! It might take time and the road might be hard but there is always a way out.
Here are a few observations I have based on my own struggles with anxiety disorder and insomnia.
1. Find a psychiatrist you can trust.
2. But try to do psychotherapy too. It is helpful to have someone willing to listen about your struggles.
3. Learn more about your condition reading books or trusted online materials. It helps to know your "enemy." But know that there is a lot of crap "information" there too.
And if you really need it, there is nothing wrong going to a hospital. Good luck!
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Good luck, can't think of saying anything better than this, I sincerely wish you to heal.
I know what I would do but I know it's a very hard call for you right now.
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On July 05 2018 20:25 fluidrone wrote:Hi asking for help is hard but that is a good idea you had <3 not that internet is perfect but it exist.. and we should all feel less alone because of it. Ok so lets get to it.. first thing first, stop weed! stop smoking it, stop selling it! Don't get me wrong, i see your plight and i see that you can only see the mountain of efforts coming to achieve that.. i'm not going to tell you weed is bad or that you should feel somewhat "lesser" of a human being for being addicted to it.. nope. My point is that living in an altered state AND as an outlaw is the worst thing you can be doing right now. Addiction and bi polarism go hand in hand to destroy your sense of self, that is what i wish to convey to you. We are all faced with stuff in life, your mountain to climb is not an easy one and yes many people fail and fail again and again at reaching the top.. reaching a "sane stable simple" happyness that will allow you to build your life, .. as opposed to being a slave to what you are used to, what you call currently (this 5th of july) "normal". You decide dude, don't cower in fear of the shame that you will encur on the way to the top of that mountain.. just do it. Trust me when i say the vista is awesome once you get to the top, sadly i can't refrain from telling you (as you probably suspect it yourself already) that there you will discover a hundred other mountains to climb and the million other ways that you will be challenged in life from then on. But the sttrenght gained from this first climb will sustain you, trust me. This is THE climb of your life. i trust that you can do it. Now i need you to allow me to swindle you into agreeing with me. # tell me if you are interested and i'll try to adress all the things i can (selling weed, how to quit ; smoking it, how to start afresh ; making real meaningful connections leading to getting friends into founding your own family (dare i say it? your own tribe) .. something worth fighting for.. etc), i feel walls of text are only good if someone has voluntered to read them
Please do share.
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Thanks everyone for your kind words, actually went to the ER today again for the panic / anxiety and the Dr prescribed me Atarax this time, it seems to be working a lot better, my anxiety / panic seems to be dissipating and I am openly conversing with men and with beautiful women without any issues, I also just moved into this new apartment, so things are looking up, just have to continue to stay focused.
I went in to the hospital asking them to admit me but they wouldn't b/c I am not suicidal or have any thoughts of harming others, so this may have been a better alternative.
Again, thank you all for your kind words.
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As you may have already surmised i did what you do for a decade.. not that i'm particularly proud or ashamed, just i think my insights could help.
All the "work" is translatable to "legitimate" employ, you think of yourself as "unskilled" maybe from this practice that has become a job. Remember when u got bad batches and still managed to sell them on?
Think of all that talking you did with your "customers" (no that did not make you get real friends nor should it have) .. all that is there, it proves your worth!
All that running, lying, scheming.. all that is worth more than you think. Everything you have been doing in that regard has value, do not think otherwise. Yes even ripping off the dumb ones and enticing the smart ones .. you did that!
Now i don't know you so i can't build up much in the way of "what" to go for.. but i'm sure there are other stuff you are interested in. Getting enough money to live is not going to be easy if you don't value yourself.
Let me give you a simple example of that: why do women get 20 to 50% less pay for the same job? Because they ask for less at the bargaining stage!
It is the same for ex dealers.. if you think that those skills are untranslatable to a legit employ/self employ.. then you are wrong!
How to stop using? mmm well again, i don't know you so that's gonna remain a bit "abstract" but i do feel you are smart enough to see what is for you and what is not.
Life is not a habit, if it becomes one you are dead already! and i don't think that is your case yet.
Obviously right now, besides intellectual / social interactions, i surmise that the only pleasure you have resides in the secured safety of the habit: you know you will get your fix and that allows you to do the things you loath (like getting up in the morning)?
Again, i'm not rating life with and life without.. that is not my point! i am building on the axioms that :
1/getting high suppose to be fun
2/your life is at a vulnerable crossroads and you need clarity and a more stable environment to get to the point where/when you can make YOUR own choices
3/your body/soul is giving you the full angst treatment
4/maybe you are "bi polar"
5/ (1/ to 4/ ) is too much at once
My point is not to tell you to never smoke again, just to stop so you can see for yourself (for real) how this "habit" makes you into something you are not.
Sadly, once you know you are an addict, usually you cut off the habit entirely instead of re working it.. because of the fear of going back to the slave version of drug consumption.
What you have to ask yourself is simple.. is this practice worth it?
Remember the first times? [insert illegal orgasm looking emote] Well.. you can get that back! But you need to stop for a couple of months .. the time for your whole body (at your age, i'm surmising that you are young <30) to recuperate and rebuild.
Think back to the time where / when you were seduced by the idea of "doing it".. then think of the times when you started to do it habitually .. .. and how it feels now that you are doing it without thinking (thinking for instance if if you even want to or not)...
For me, i'd say: first (best ever) then parties for 2 decades (always fun because often high with other people high too) then getting older (most people grow out of it) into the rest of your life (hopefully do it once in a while and never ever ever suffer from it).
Now ... all this is abstract as s hit.. i'll be the first to admit it. But if you are going to do this "quit illegal stuff / get friends / be happier" you are going to have to do this exercise many many many many times...
That exercise is to use your mind to heal yourself, use your mind to trick yourself, use your mind to not become crazy.
Who says you can't do it? i say it is a matter of choice and you still have that capacity! Choose to make your own!
start here for instance
OBVIOUSLY you have seen all those old people playing dominoes, doing cross word puzzles.. same for young kids willingly jumping head first out of a plane or on a spring.. steering jet-skies or go karts (till they feel mortal enough).. standing on stage naked and singing or jumping through hoops and purring like a cat...
What do you think these people are doing?
They are addicts same as you! They are doing stuff to forget that it is all going to end too soon. You are no different but maybe you just need to see it?
It is like bi polarism! Who says you have it? Who says you are not "just "under 15/20 years of repressed feelings?
Full transparency, i am no doctor and there are people that completely dissociate with reality that require medical help!
they "merit" getting filled with medication that "can" (sometimes) do the trick and allow them a semi normal life providing someone "deemed normal" does it for them by being there mostly at all times!
So just take what i am saying as you would a conversation you would have with a stranger in a bus station waiting hours for a bus.
Bi polarism is the new "trendy" word, just know that before it was "quantum leap"...
Don't let it be the "end all be all" that most people will define you as!
i had an ex that was diagnosed bi polar and i dabbled in the subject in a weird way. Made me think i am bi polar.. and again that everyone is "several".
So here let us be clear: "being" sick or "becoming" sick or furthermore "thinking" you are sick are VERY different issues.
Best option is you just think you are ill. Which is why quitting a mood (character/persona) change inducing chemical will be great! Under a month without it (no using at all) and you will know that you are not sick!
You will be able to know yourself!
Half half is "yes" you are becoming ill.. maybe you can stop it or maybe you can just "react" to the symptoms .. in any case if you can take charge somewhat then you can steer your life (and that is the definition of beating an illness), .. you will probably achieve balance but clearly you will always regret your previous choices and that will be hard to get over ...
Full blown is the worst case scenario.. you are ill and maybe nothing you will ever do will help...
You are young and that is not to be considered useless info, you have time (both) to conquer your illness or to succumb to it on your own terms.
Sadly, we are all afraid that we are different, we should not be!
The "upbringing" we all get teaches us what conformity is or is not.. that does not mean you must conform or not conform to the norm.. that would be a catch 22...
What it means is you must learn what conformity is, how it came to be, where and when it applies to your place in the sun and how the hell do you get ahead of the curve on this .. just so you can feel "normal" (which is a pleasure, don't ever doubt it).
i know i am several in me.
Does that make me bi polar? i think not, however what if one of the "me" within me wasn't me at all?
What if that me was just the chemicals talking?
Wouldn't you like to check under your own hood .. just to know?
Trust me, quitting use for a few months never hurt anyone! If there are some weird few that end up in a loss .. it is because it was done wrong (the quitting) or/and that the writing was already on the wall #done and there would have been no time for the benefit to be felt or arguably exist.
i do not wish to trivialize what "stopping" is, but you do know that you can do it.. in your inner depth self?
You will probably hate everyone and everything before you get it right, but that is the point, the goal..
to not hate everything, to not hate everyone
(you can replace the "hate" in that sentence with "fear" or other words, i suppose you get what i am driving at).
Mood altering thc is and yes you will/might return to that original person you were long ago when not using, however you might see yourself in the most unflattering lights for years to come.. before plainly simply unequivocally getting to a state where you do not think of it.
So to be clear, you don't wake up or get off "life".. whatever occupations you find to fill the days will be who you are to others, what you are to yourself is limitless.
You can settle for a simple life or try to reach for the stars, you can fail and you will try again and end up succeeding, or never succeed.. such is the freedom you possess, we all do.
What i mean is getting by or getting over an affliction is a life's journey, we all make a roadmap that all others ignore.
(be back later for more maybe ; do react / add to the discussion)
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