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Fluidrone that was really well written and some really good insight, I have quit for almost a year several times before, but I have smoked most of my life, there are so many points to touch and I am in a bit of Anxiety now actually so I will do my best to answer them all...
1) I am 30
2)You are absolutely right about everything you said about selling it yes, and I have used these skill sets to try and start my own online businesses, although none of them took off so far yet, I know that can change though.
3) I have been feeling a lot better with this new medication, but I am not sure this is the end all be all / perfect thing to fix my issues
4)I'm starting to believe that potentially my running from women to women looking for 'love' or that attachment has also caused this potentially, I've had several relationships lasting up to 3 years, but none of them really seemed like real 'relationships', except for the last one which I spoke about in one of my previous blogs, the girl I fell in love with, this is kind of when this all started, I keep getting a little better over the last few weeks and then fall back and had to go back to ER, so I am listening to all of your wise words and heed at your advice.
5)I feel one of the biggest issues is my circadian cycle being way off (sleep cycle), for a long time, but I am also not sure of this.
6)last medications I have been taking all have 'anti-depressant' qualities ( Depakote, BuSpar), and then (Propanolol) Beta blockers previously for my cluster headaches ( ridiculously painful headaches that are nicknamed suicide headaches, because of the amount of people that commit suicide due to the high level of physical pain)
7) I understand what you are saying about being several you's inside of yourself, although being just 1 the entire time.
8)I understand the power of positive thinking, I understand that the human / human brain has the power to rewrite it's own DNA / ' rewire' the brain, through positive thinking over long periods of time, there is a beautiful movie called "What the Bleep do we know", I think I need to watch again, and also I highly recommend you to watch it as well.
9)The link you shared is very interesting, I will continue to read over and post more tomorrow, I just got off work though and as I said previously I need to try to focus on getting my sleep cycle back in check.
Again, thank you very much for all of your insight and wisdom, it was VERY helpful to read all of what you wrote, you are actually quite intelligent and should consider becoming a psychologist / motivational speaker or something, if you aren't already.
God bless ya bro, unless you are an atheist, in that case you are just awesome, and if it's some other religion that doesn't use a god or something, then just bless ya in whatever way possible hah... thank you, would like to talk to you more in private sometime, ever use any discords?
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Most days,
i believe in humans.
You are too kind, i think i type like a "minion" 
Don't get me wrong, i'm still very much a human/coward and several times when i came close to dying f ck me i was chatting god up something fierce.
Don't get me wrong, i hate us humans, we are so bright so passionate so great .. and look at the world we made 
Glad if my typing helped..
i have insights only into what my own life is  so take it for what it is worth but seeing as we are related (too emo for our own good, too early for own good, we are the future though) i wanted to tell you that
if you make it, i make it..
if you don't make it (get to a place where/when you are happy and can get others to be so too) then it will somehow have been my fault.. (yeah .. to each his/her own cross to bare) ..so really no thanks warranted..
just pass this forward (to anyone/everyone you feel can hear it)
#we are all in this together!
ps: you can usually find me listening to sc2 twit ch chats/streams  if i'm front of my computer (while i write/draw/work), my twit ch id is houndofbaskerville
otherwise i skype (if you ever on the deep end, shoot me a message, if i'm there i'll do my best to get u smiling/laughing live, promise)
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I don´t mean to be a douche about this, but have you tried just going for a somewhat healthy lifestyle?
I mean most mental illnesses go along with fucked up sleep rythms, lack of physical exhaustment and a general deprivation of sunlight. If you want to be healthy and feel good about yourself you just need to do the good things that your body is programmed to do; Work your ass off, have real relationships with real persons, have real fun and lots of sex. In short, start living! and don´t phantasize about living while doing some wierd prescribtion drug and worrying about "being Bipolar", thats just a word.
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Have you tried not being a mutant?
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On July 10 2018 00:48 fluidrone wrote:
Have you tried not being a mutant?
not very amusing mate. I understand that you feel belittled by the provoking tone in my previous post but how is cynism going to help here?
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On July 09 2018 20:20 alpenrahm wrote:
I don´t mean to be a douche about this, but have you tried just going for a somewhat healthy lifestyle?
I mean most mental illnesses go along with fucked up sleep rythms, lack of physical exhaustment and a general deprivation of sunlight. If you want to be healthy and feel good about yourself you just need to do the good things that your body is programmed to do; Work your ass off, have real relationships with real persons, have real fun and lots of sex. In short, start living! and don´t phantasize about living while doing some wierd prescribtion drug and worrying about "being Bipolar", thats just a word.
I Can understand and respect where you are coming from with this, and yes I have actually been trying to do this, eating healthier (as much fruit / veggies as I can), drinking nothing but water, smoking less (cigs and herb), and I basically quit drinking (maybe 1-2 drinks a week or something, pretty much non existent)
I have been out in the sun every day since I moved here, I still need to excercise more and yes, I am working hard on building solid real friendships and relationships, thanks for the advice.
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On July 09 2018 20:20 alpenrahm wrote:
I don´t mean to be a douche about this, but have you tried just going for a somewhat healthy lifestyle?
I mean most mental illnesses go along with fucked up sleep rythms, lack of physical exhaustment and a general deprivation of sunlight. If you want to be healthy and feel good about yourself you just need to do the good things that your body is programmed to do; Work your ass off, have real relationships with real persons, have real fun and lots of sex. In short, start living! and don´t phantasize about living while doing some wierd prescribtion drug and worrying about "being Bipolar", thats just a word.
On July 10 2018 06:24 alpenrahm wrote:not very amusing mate. I understand that you feel belittled by the provoking tone in my previous post but how is cynism going to help here?
Hi,
i found it amusing sorry. i did not feel belittled, thank you for your concern.
We are all different and the nature of society is to make you forget this, i was just "abruptly" reminding you that.. .. we are all mutants
Sorry,
i'm not even a cynic anymore 
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UPDATE : I ended up losing my job because of how the medications were affecting me, but I have enough money saved up until I get another one, so I living pretty comfortably, I wanted to update the blog to say what happened as of recent (last 1-2 months), I haven't been gaming lately because of health issues (Panic / anxiety attacks / withdrawal from all the damn medications the doctors gave me.
The girl that this blog was all about finally came around and apologized to me for everything, said she has never treated someone so poorly in her life, and a whole myriad of other things, she explained how it was the medicine she was withdrawing from herself. We hung out a few times and she was telling me that she was saving herself for marriage now, and we are just friends, and didn't to rush into anything like we did last time.
A few visits later she totally flipped the script and said "Please fuck the bitch out of me" .... I kind of looked at her with a dead confused stare for a minute and then was just like "Okay..." and kinda laughed about it, we are not 'dating' or together with a 'title', but she is living with me, and we've been very intimate & gotten a lot closer than we ever were before, but at the same time she doesn't want to display PDA and doesn't really care if I mess around with other chicks (it's not something I'm used to lol), but then at the same time I think she would care, so it is quite fucking confusing.
All in all it has been nice to have her back with me, as we've both been kind of leaning on each other when we need each other with this crazy mental shit that's been happening in the last few months, I feel that it can be potentially unhealthy for the both of us at the same time though, so we are treading lightly to make sure neither one of us get over stimulated in terms of anxiety or stress.
All in all we've both become a lot more closer, learned a lot more about each other, and she came back into my life when I was about to give up.
TL : DR - Life is crazy.
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On November 23 2018 05:25 GGzerG wrote:
UPDATE : I ended up losing my job because of how the medications were affecting me, but I have enough money saved up until I get another one, so I living pretty comfortably, I wanted to update the blog to say what happened as of recent (last 1-2 months), I haven't been gaming lately because of health issues (Panic / anxiety attacks / withdrawal from all the damn medications the doctors gave me.
The girl that this blog was all about finally came around and apologized to me for everything, said she has never treated someone so poorly in her life, and a whole myriad of other things, she explained how it was the medicine she was withdrawing from herself. We hung out a few times and she was telling me that she was saving herself for marriage now, and we are just friends, and didn't to rush into anything like we did last time.
A few visits later she totally flipped the script and said "Please fuck the bitch out of me" .... I kind of looked at her with a dead confused stare for a minute and then was just like "Okay..." and kinda laughed about it, we are not 'dating' or together with a 'title', but she is living with me, and we've been very intimate & gotten a lot closer than we ever were before, but at the same time she doesn't want to display PDA and doesn't really care if I mess around with other chicks (it's not something I'm used to lol), but then at the same time I think she would care, so it is quite fucking confusing.
All in all it has been nice to have her back with me, as we've both been kind of leaning on each other when we need each other with this crazy mental shit that's been happening in the last few months, I feel that it can be potentially unhealthy for the both of us at the same time though, so we are treading lightly to make sure neither one of us get over stimulated in terms of anxiety or stress.
All in all we've both become a lot more closer, learned a lot more about each other, and she came back into my life when I was about to give up.
TL : DR - Life is crazy.
Good luck. I hope things will go well for you.
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Flush your pills and stay away from "doctors", unless you wanna end up dumb, fat, functionally castrated, and dependent on the pills for the rest of your life.
If you think I'm talking out of my ass, just read the huge black label warning on the bottle, or just look up benzo addiction.
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EPT
