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Title sums up my view of the world around me pretty neatly, especially when it comes to video games.
Aquiring new skills by practicing, and learning in general makes me feel frustrated and angry. It's not even a conscious thought that i feel i can control rationally. Facing the fact that i can't just perform tasks, just play and win from time to time, fills me with such huge amounts of anger and despair that's it really hard to take sometimes. There are times when the word "depression" comes to mind, but i've never been diagnosed with anything and that would just be plain offensive to people really fighting with that, I just probably have a very shitty mentality.
Past a certain, pretty low, point i don't get better in anything I do. I learn very slowly and with very little steps, not understanding anything on the fly and having to train every smallest detail at least for some time. Maybe that's why?
I tried to ask myself where do I find joy and fun in playing games? In multiplayer all my positive emotions seem condensed on the win screen, if I don't reach that, any good feelings i maybe had in a game perish forever.
I'm jealous of people enjoying learning, but I don't know how to change, and is it even possible to change. I feel stuck and lost, but on the other hand something pulls me here, theres only so much time I can spend on passive entertainment, and I use it to the fullest, but then the vicious cycle is born.
Wish I was able to learn abilities just through general "doing them", I know many people do.
Wonder if there are other people who feel like me?
Back to losing games on stream, won 1 during ~2h (prolly like 8 or so matches).
 
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"I'm really not very old, but I have been younger than I am now, and something I wish I hadn't done was inadvertently train myself to be a very low effort, poor work ethic sort of person when I was a kid. I blew a lot of opportunities by putting the minimum amount of effort necessary to get everyone off my back, and now I legitimately have a hard time doing anything I don't want to do.
On a systemic level.
Addictive personality, poor willpower, and a slacker's attitude exacerbated by depressive spells that eat up a large portion of the free time I have."
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I think you got it right with having a poor mentality. In my opinion mentality and attitude can change over time with effort. It's much harder to change your circumstances and opportunities than it is to change your attitude.
You should probably think about it a little more deeply. Avoid jumping to conclusions like "I learn too slow," "I get angry when I lose," "I only like seeing the victory screen." Each of these things deserves more attention and you could work on to improve. You might learn slowly because you lack experience to make connections to things you already know. You might get angry when you lose because you're too focused on validating yourself. You might only enjoy games when you see the victory screen because you're giving too little attention to the other valuable things we get from games.
You might just not like competitive games. Lots of people get a less stressful feeling of progression and learning from single player and cooperative games, where achievement is beating a set challenge and not hitting the moving target that is another person's ability in the game. Competitive games are much harder to just sit down and win a few, because contrary to what you said about some people getting it by just doing it, competitive games in particular often have a study portion to them, especially StarCraft where you can't do anything without memorising build orders.
Anyway, regardless of your intelligence, putting yourself down while you try to learn is going to make it harder to learn. I think anytime I was intimidated by how difficult something seemed, it always became a lot easier to start the learning process accepting I would make mistakes along my way to mastery, that mistakes aren't just an inconvenience along the way, they are the actual knowledge of mastery. Which is just to say you can't take the learning process itself as a sign of your lack of intelligence. Getting upset over mistakes is the attitude problem holding you back.
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Learning doesn't kill joy. It's all these extra factors you associate and often attach themselves to learning (which ironically is bad habits you learned over time, that make you think learning is to blame.)
Pure learning creates joy. When you mixing in garbage thoughts in there like 1) comparing your learning to others, then having a emotion judgement about it. that certainly can potentially cause negative emotion. 2) the frustration you feel is not from learning but this act of comparison and competing, that fucks up your joy. You place arbitrary emphasis on thoughts like why am I not learning as fast this guy or that person, why am I not improving as fast as i think i should, then feel bad about it. that kill joy.
So it's all these extra crap that kill joy, not the concept of learning itself, which really brings joy. If you only feel good when you are "winning", or if a learning experienced matched your limited expectations, then you should re-evaluate your idea of what you consider is learning.
Need to seriously look at wtf is actually causing you emotion distress. And 9/10 it's ego, and it's competition, it's what you think should happen vs reality. But those are all arbitrary crap decided by your mind. even the fastest learners come across people who school them. Learning by itself is a pure idea that brings joy, the shit YOU attach to it, then blame the whole thing on learning. That's the issue. no one like to look at their own mentality.
You may learn certain things faster or slower than public average. But that's not a good or bad thing. You seem to place a lot more weight on winning and get to certain result in a certain time per your own expectation rather than just enjoy the game, and learn as you go and not give a flying f how you perform as long as you are enjoy yourself, continually improving, how slow or fast that maybe.
I think it really comes down to this, your overly concern about what you think of you, and what YOU think others thinks of you (since it really all comes down to you). You have a messed up idea of "should", when things don't match it, you fuck yourself over with stress. Now that part you should hate, that fucks up the joy. Not learning.
Just my limited opinion.
On September 30 2017 05:06 Fumapl wrote:
Title sums up my view of the world around me pretty neatly, especially when it comes to video games.
Aquiring new skills by practicing, and learning in general makes me feel frustrated and angry. It's not even a conscious thought that i feel i can control rationally. Facing the fact that i can't just perform tasks, just play and win from time to time, fills me with such huge amounts of anger and despair that's it really hard to take sometimes. There are times when the word "depression" comes to mind, but i've never been diagnosed with anything and that would just be plain offensive to people really fighting with that, I just probably have a very shitty mentality.
Past a certain, pretty low, point i don't get better in anything I do. I learn very slowly and with very little steps, not understanding anything on the fly and having to train every smallest detail at least for some time. Maybe that's why?
I tried to ask myself where do I find joy and fun in playing games? In multiplayer all my positive emotions seem condensed on the win screen, if I don't reach that, any good feelings i maybe had in a game perish forever.
I'm jealous of people enjoying learning, but I don't know how to change, and is it even possible to change. I feel stuck and lost, but on the other hand something pulls me here, theres only so much time I can spend on passive entertainment, and I use it to the fullest, but then the vicious cycle is born.
Wish I was able to learn abilities just through general "doing them", I know many people do.
Wonder if there are other people who feel like me?
Back to losing games on stream, won 1 during ~2h (prolly like 8 or so matches).
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You need to learn about the other kind of joy, the long, slow-burning, long-lasting type of joy.
When you win or achieve something, you get this sudden burst of joy that is like a huge spike of emotion.
What you want is the kind of joy that comes from getting just a little better at something. Progress. Looking back over days and weeks and seeing how far you've come. Comparing yourself today to who you were yesterday.
This type of joy isn't as big of a spike as the winning type, but you can feel almost as good when you think, "Wow, I'm actually sorta good now." You start to have pride, and you respect yourself when you're good at something.
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EPT
