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Obligations to what I laughably call the day job bid me away from my computer this week so I feared I'd have nothing to offer. Thankfully Twitter informed me that a phone can act as a Nintendo DS emulator and while it is unsuitable for playing fast paced action games something slower and more thoughtful would surely suit. Considering the sheer volume of hours that constitutes international travel for Australians I figured it best to have a JRPG at hand so the hours of mind numbing tedium can be replaced by mind numbingly hitting the A button a whole lot, so Pokemon Black it is then.
Pokemon is…. well we all know what it is, it's a game about kidnapping sentient beings from their habitats and holding them in captivity in between deployments in legalised cockfighting, kinda like being Di Caprio’s character from Django Unchained. I haven’t played a Pokemon since Pokemon Red 18 years ago so I was somewhat curious how it had changed and how my adult self feels about something child me used to adore. As it turns out, fuck all has changed and child me was an easily impressed simpleton, so no great discovery I fear.
How little has changed you ask? Same idyllic village, same Grass/Fire/Water starter pokemon, same 8 Gym badges, same team of token villainous a-holes, same fun naming your character ‘oi cunt’. As tempting as it is to rail against the predictable trappings of formula, I’m actually going to give Nintendo a pass here. You see, Pokemon is very much a game for children, you’re not actually meant to play the next iteration, that’s for the next legion of little snot nosed bastards whose parents don’t want to spend time with them anymore. I’m not the intended audience, having (allegedly) grown and matured a bit since the good ol’ beardless days, so I’m hardly going to criticise Nintendo for recycling.
What I will do is grumble about shit that’s new that doesn’t fix old problems. There’s a few Pokemon types I don’t recognise, like Dark, Steel and Dragon, and there’s this thing where you can give items to pokemon to hold onto which might help out a bit in combat, and occasionally a pokemon battle with two or three-a side, and passive effects for certain Pokemon, and weather effects and more abilities that do non-damage related effects. But all these additions do very little to get around the fact that Pokemon has always been ‘if the phrase IT’S SUPER EFFECTIVE! does not appear after an attack then you dun goofed’. What the fuck is the point about a temporary stat changer when instead I can drop them with the single right attack? I understand we don’t want to overload a child’s gnat sized brain by demanding they contemplate something more rigorous than Rock Paper Scissors but why have all that crap in the game if it’s never going to be necessary? It’s just bloat disguised as innovation from a design team looking for the gaming equivalent of a new hat that will justify another release.
The other big new difference I observed is that there’s more of a plot going on in Pokemon Black. Red didn’t really have a plot past ‘get badges, elite four, final champion, fill pokedex, Gary’s an enormous douche who desperately needs his head shoved up an elephant’s back entrance’ but that’s okay because for video games a hollow plot is still better than a shit one. In Black the token inexplicably evil pricks have this ongoing plan to separate all Pokemon from trainers forever. First issue, why is the player the only one who can stop them, where’s the fucking Police? Deploy some snipers, just fucking shoot them. Second issue, why is the game trying to paint the people who wish to liberate Pokemon like they’re the bad guys here?
You might recall earlier this year when The Division came out and everyone pointed out that it, perhaps unintentionally, seemed to promote ‘shoot first, ask questions later’ totalitarian police state style politics? Well Pokemon Black is like that except it’s promoting a different evil: Slavery. There’s numerous dialogues about how the relationship between Pokemon and Human is beneficial for both parties but there’s no evidence that Pokemon are used as anything other than gladiatorial pit slaves. You can’t call a relationship symbiotic when one side is literally treated as property and is acquired by going to where it lives, smacking them to near death, taking them from their loved ones and then placing them in a box from where they can never, ever escape.
Now obviously it’s not like Pokemon is some kind of sick filth that must be banned lest the kids start answering ‘what do you want to be when you grow up?’ with ‘plantation owner’. Pokemon promotes animal cruelty at the same rate that GI Joe promotes facism, we’ve nothing to truly be worried about. The motivations don’t gel right with me is all. “But iaguz” cries a nearby strawman “surely one shouldn’t demand too much from a piece of children’s media?”. Bollocks, I say, balls, scrotums and testicle satchels! If LEGO can make a kids movie that’s a satirist deconstruction of society and narrative then Nintendo can put just a little bit of effort into making sure I’m not cheering for the villains the whole game.
Despite all the reasons to hate Pokemon Black I still found myself sinking far more hours into it than I care to publicly disclose. It could very well be that there’s a quiet sense of satisfaction in cultivating a sextet of ruthless murderers that gets past all the repetitive combat and inane dialogue or it could be that, much like being a child, when you don’t have any other games you’ll just play the same one over and over and convince yourself you’re having a good time. In either case I ended up playing shitloads of Pokemon instead of reading a good book or watching a quality film so I guess revisiting Pokemon has reminded me I’m still a fucking simpleton after all these years. Thanks Nintendo! Ya dicks!
  
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On August 19 2016 17:12 BEARDiaguz wrote:
What I will do is grumble about shit that’s new that doesn’t fix old problems. There’s a few Pokemon types I don’t recognise, like Dark, Steel and Dragon, and there’s this thing where you can give items to pokemon to hold onto which might help out a bit in combat, and occasionally a pokemon battle with two or three-a side, and passive effects for certain Pokemon, and weather effects and more abilities that do non-damage related effects. But all these additions do very little to get around the fact that Pokemon has always been ‘if the phrase IT’S SUPER EFFECTIVE! does not appear after an attack then you dun goofed’. What the fuck is the point about a temporary stat changer when instead I can drop them with the single right attack? I understand we don’t want to overload a child’s gnat sized brain by demanding they contemplate something more rigorous than Rock Paper Scissors but why have all that crap in the game if it’s never going to be necessary? It’s just bloat disguised as innovation from a design team looking for the gaming equivalent of a new hat that will justify another release.
These things add some depth to the multiplayer experience. If you choose, you can beat the singleplayer while ignoring them...
You might compare it to how you can largely beat StarCraft campaigns using just Marines, although I doubt you'd consider the rest of the Terran lineup as "bloat disguised as innovation" in that case.
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Yeah, all those things you listed are super important in the competitive metagame. Really surprised to read that paragraph coming from a "Progamer". Kanil already came with the perfect analogy so I won't waste anymore words on it.
Dragon type was already in pokemon red btw. There's even a Dragon-type Elite 4.
You see, Pokemon is very much a game for children, you’re not actually meant to play the next iteration, that’s for the next legion of little snot nosed bastards whose parents don’t want to spend time with them anymore. I’m not the intended audience, having (allegedly) grown and matured a bit since the good ol’ beardless days, so I’m hardly going to criticise Nintendo for recycling.
Statements like this are pretty silly imo. I think you have zero understanding of the competitive metagame behind pokemon, this is not just a game for "snot nose bastards".
Poor blog.
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What I get from this is that you love Pokemon. LOVE IT.
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I really shouldn't read your blogs when my child is sleeping. The urge to laugh out loud almost overrode the need for my 5 month old to get his much needed sleep.
I really like your writing technique. Your ability to seamlessly tie in your closing sentence with one of your opening paragraphs creates a cyclical effect that makes the reader chuckle twice from the same joke.
As always, love reading your shit.
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Wow there are a couple of Pokemon fans that are butthurt by this blog.
Perhaps he doesn't understand the intricate details of Pokemon, but to be fair he never said he wanted to. All he wanted was a game to kill some time. Was his assessment of the game accurate? I don't care. Did I enjoy reading it? Damn straight I did.
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In other words, you got sucked right back in like the rest of us. I first played Yellow, then Platinum then got sucked back in this year. Going to start with White 2 this weekend cause I couldn't find other used gen 5 games at my local Gamestop. Got two gen 6 games new as well.
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Gen 5 is pure garbage, I highly recommend Gen 2 and Gen 3
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On August 19 2016 17:46 Kanil wrote:Show nested quote +On August 19 2016 17:12 BEARDiaguz wrote:
What I will do is grumble about shit that’s new that doesn’t fix old problems. There’s a few Pokemon types I don’t recognise, like Dark, Steel and Dragon, and there’s this thing where you can give items to pokemon to hold onto which might help out a bit in combat, and occasionally a pokemon battle with two or three-a side, and passive effects for certain Pokemon, and weather effects and more abilities that do non-damage related effects. But all these additions do very little to get around the fact that Pokemon has always been ‘if the phrase IT’S SUPER EFFECTIVE! does not appear after an attack then you dun goofed’. What the fuck is the point about a temporary stat changer when instead I can drop them with the single right attack? I understand we don’t want to overload a child’s gnat sized brain by demanding they contemplate something more rigorous than Rock Paper Scissors but why have all that crap in the game if it’s never going to be necessary? It’s just bloat disguised as innovation from a design team looking for the gaming equivalent of a new hat that will justify another release.
These things add some depth to the multiplayer experience. If you choose, you can beat the singleplayer while ignoring them... You might compare it to how you can largely beat StarCraft campaigns using just Marines, although I doubt you'd consider the rest of the Terran lineup as "bloat disguised as innovation" in that case.
To add to this, it's not just competitive, it's post-game content like winstreaks on Subway/Maison too. Beginning to E4 introduces a player to certain concepts. A player could easily just ignore things like held items, but it gives you enough information about the game mechanics to ease you into the deeper parts of the game such as how to construct a consistent 100+ win streak team
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There's enough depth in the game to be enjoyed by adults, even adults who aren't interested in the competitive aspect. And it's not like the deep parts are hidden away. They show the basic mechanics, they introduce you to the subway early in the game as somewhat of a tease for the postgame. It's up to the player to choose how YOU want to enjoy the game. You can willfully ignore parts of the game and you'll still have a blast! But just because you ignore the depth, doesn't mean it's not there.
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Pokemon is my favorite eugenics simulator and as soon as you embrace the darkness of it all the better you'll feel. <3
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I thought eugenics related to improving human genes. How is Pokemon an eugenic simulator?
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On August 20 2016 21:48 Jett.Jack.Alvir wrote:
I thought eugenics related to improving human genes. How is Pokemon an eugenic simulator?
breeding pokemon for IVs/abilities/moves I guess
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Well eugenics is about breeding for the best possible genes, but the term itself refers to humans specifically.
I thought when referring to animals and plants the term was artificial selection or selective breeding.
I am not a scientist or anything, so this is coming from a layman understanding.
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On August 20 2016 06:41 Purind wrote:Show nested quote +On August 19 2016 17:46 Kanil wrote:On August 19 2016 17:12 BEARDiaguz wrote:
What I will do is grumble about shit that’s new that doesn’t fix old problems. There’s a few Pokemon types I don’t recognise, like Dark, Steel and Dragon, and there’s this thing where you can give items to pokemon to hold onto which might help out a bit in combat, and occasionally a pokemon battle with two or three-a side, and passive effects for certain Pokemon, and weather effects and more abilities that do non-damage related effects. But all these additions do very little to get around the fact that Pokemon has always been ‘if the phrase IT’S SUPER EFFECTIVE! does not appear after an attack then you dun goofed’. What the fuck is the point about a temporary stat changer when instead I can drop them with the single right attack? I understand we don’t want to overload a child’s gnat sized brain by demanding they contemplate something more rigorous than Rock Paper Scissors but why have all that crap in the game if it’s never going to be necessary? It’s just bloat disguised as innovation from a design team looking for the gaming equivalent of a new hat that will justify another release.
These things add some depth to the multiplayer experience. If you choose, you can beat the singleplayer while ignoring them... You might compare it to how you can largely beat StarCraft campaigns using just Marines, although I doubt you'd consider the rest of the Terran lineup as "bloat disguised as innovation" in that case. To add to this, it's not just competitive, it's post-game content like winstreaks on Subway/Maison too. Beginning to E4 introduces a player to certain concepts. A player could easily just ignore things like held items, but it gives you enough information about the game mechanics to ease you into the deeper parts of the game such as how to construct a consistent 100+ win streak team ----- There's enough depth in the game to be enjoyed by adults, even adults who aren't interested in the competitive aspect. And it's not like the deep parts are hidden away. They show the basic mechanics, they introduce you to the subway early in the game as somewhat of a tease for the postgame. It's up to the player to choose how YOU want to enjoy the game. You can willfully ignore parts of the game and you'll still have a blast! But just because you ignore the depth, doesn't mean it's not there.
There is a fanmade pokemon game called pokemon zeta. I have played only a few hours yesterday but it seems well made if kinda infringing on copyright since it's like a direct copy. Anyhow, right at the start it asks you if you want to do a challenge mode like "faint = dead" or "no pp restore at pokecenters (I think)", and the general difficulty of the gyms is harder I think.
I like higher difficulty settings sometimes, especially for games like pokemon or starcraft that I'm so familiar with.
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I like reading your blogs. Even if you write about pokemon.
Please write about the stuff thats out to kill you in your backyard next time.
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On August 21 2016 09:20 Kevin_Sorbo wrote:
I like reading your blogs. Even if you write about pokemon.
Please write about the stuff thats out to kill you in your backyard next time.
Holy shit Australia is a dangerous place to live. From scorpions climbing into your shoes, to snakes slithering into bed with you, and don't forget about birds that will peck your eyes out, Australia is not friendly to your health. I saw a show about dangerous creatures in Australia, and all of my examples were in the fucking city. Melbourne I think.
In Ontario the only fucking dangerous creature I have to worry about is the damn raccoon that knocks over my trash at nights.
Australians are fucking crazy to continue living there.
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On August 21 2016 10:05 Jett.Jack.Alvir wrote:Show nested quote +On August 21 2016 09:20 Kevin_Sorbo wrote:
I like reading your blogs. Even if you write about pokemon.
Please write about the stuff thats out to kill you in your backyard next time. Holy shit Australia is a dangerous place to live. From scorpions climbing into your shoes, to snakes slithering into bed with you, and don't forget about birds that will peck your eyes out, Australia is not friendly to your health. I saw a show about dangerous creatures in Australia, and all of my examples were in the fucking city. Melbourne I think. In Ontario the only fucking dangerous creature I have to worry about is the damn raccoon that knocks over my trash at nights. Australians are fucking crazy to continue living there.
all of those things exist in north america
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Enjoyed reading it, I second to your writing style being really nice.
I had a similar experience with Black, I rooted for N all game long. He was a bit extreme, but I could really understand where he was coming from. The less than subtly hinted "I'm the real bad guy and it was all a front" helped only a little bit.
Also yeah the systems add to multiplayer and stuff like duel tower/subway.
@Cricketer12:
I don't agree to 5th gen being worse than 3rd.
2nd is pretty legendary though.
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This was an easy and fun read. Just what I come to blogs for.
Even though the tone of this was like "tongue in cheek" I agree that there's something evil about pokémon. Its all about ownership and ones own power over other creatures. I don't enjoy pokémon anymore.
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On August 22 2016 19:34 Blackfeather wrote:
Enjoyed reading it, I second to your writing style being really nice.
I had a similar experience with Black, I rooted for N all game long. He was a bit extreme, but I could really understand where he was coming from. The less than subtly hinted "I'm the real bad guy and it was all a front" helped only a little bit.
Also yeah the systems add to multiplayer and stuff like duel tower/subway.
@Cricketer12:
I don't agree to 5th gen being worse than 3rd.
2nd is pretty legendary though.
Gen 3 was definitely the best in terms of gameplay for me.
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EPT
