Just finished reading some of my blog posts from 2004/5. One post on racial bias drew a comment saying I had written it just because some guy snatched a girl I was crushing on. He was right.
When I read the posts now, they barely make sense to me. There seems to be this sense of inchoate rage permeating the words - and without that feeling inside me, they fall apart like bricks without mortar.
It's been more than 10 years separating that point in time from this one. But, seeing that angry teenager railing against the world on livejournal, I can see the roots of many of my decisions.
I don't think I would have taken as many risks in my career if I did not feel a sense of ambition that was rooted in anger. When I started working all I wanted to do was make giant amounts of money, quickly. I quit a job many of my classmates would have killed for because I wanted (no joke) to be a billionaire. Why did I want to be a billionaire? Because I wasn't popular enough in high school, lol.
If you had asked me at the time, I would have said - no, I'm not angry, I'm calm, I'm just focused and I want a better life - but that would have been a lie. Deep down inside, my motivation would have been to make a ton of cash and show up to my HS reunion in a car no one recognized because there were only 10 of them made that year. (AKA the worst reason to start a company, ever.)
I don't feel that sense of anger anymore. I've seen what my ambition, borne of anger, can do to me - and those I love.... yet I'm still ambitious. This ambition, though - it seems, at least, to come because the world has given me something to love and cherish, instead of an empty pit seeking fulfillment and validation through wealth.
Basically, I love her and I love the world, and I want to make the world a better place and to give people who want to change it the means and support to do so.
I think all of us, when we are young, feel that sense of anger, and sometimes, it motivates us to do great things. But it's worth considering switching that to a sense of love - love of life, love of the people around us, and love of those who mean the most to us. You'll feel better. I do.
I hope I can be more like you when I'm older, I admit that most of my drive to continue and work hard comes from a negative place, but I'm really not sure what to do about it.
I'm sure I'll mature out of it, this blog certainly gives me a glimmer more of hope so.
Have been a pleasure to read you since 2011. I'll have to check those teenage blogs too . Quite a source of inspiration i'd say even if my goals are waaaaaaaaaaaaaay differents
Shady, I think you are still only scratching the surface. The most important aspect you have learned (from my point of view, that is), is not that ambition is destructive (it depends what kind of ambition and for what reasons, good ambition is actually extremely positive), but to re-evaluate your actions and the reason you took them.
You will be able to learn from your mistakes in that case as well as understand yourself well enough to do things that are instinctively bad for your but yield a long term benefit far exceeding instant gratification.
I started this self-knowing journey when I was 17, and now at 32 I feel like I am nearing its end (I would have never expected things to turn out so drastically different than my goals when I was 17).
How do I know its nearing its end? Well, took me some years to get there, If I wanted to explain it, id have to write a book :D.
The only thing I would like to caution you about is that girls are one of the strongest drives to good or bad (ambition) there is.
Be careful to choose like in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade:
One of the most important parts after that scene is when trying to get the Grail from falling down costs the live of the girl (I hope I am not spoiling anything :D), so remember: If you want something, make sure you know WHY you want it.
On April 08 2016 02:19 puppykiller wrote: I can't relate to people with strong ambition. I don't understand how they can want something so badly.
It's the same as junkies, really. Strong success, for some people, creates a rush similar to cocaine or heroin.
Once you've tasted that high once, you'll want it again, and again, and again. You'll give up nights with those you care about for it. You'll forget to talk to your friends for weeks. You'll pop melatonin at 2AM and get up at 6AM with Red Bull and keep going. You'll get "edgy" at work, focusing on the project/deal/code with an intensity of an addict jonesing for crack. You'll take that project puts you in a different city from your family 5 days a week for 6 months a year.
Ask MightyAtom - he knows. I've seen it in what he writes, he's tasted that drug.
Nice blog sandy, I remember you from a decade ago I think. Its nice to see these old timers .
The key for me is to find a passion. But that is really the hardest thing. I go for one degree, turns out I am horribly depressed because I "chose wrong" so there go 4 years and a bunch of money, and what are my career prospects? Working in an industry I would feel depressed in; the alternatives are working menial labour jobs in another industry entirely.
So I try again, this degree is better...more fun. I enjoy physics. But it is also fairly hard, like an onslaught of work and tutoring, exams, grading (that said I am excited to learn quantum field theory, it doesn't matter how tough it might be). I feel like life up until this point has been about trying my best to make an informed decision, realizing it was half-random, and then hoping that things actually worked out well. I think I might be okay now but the whole process took a lot out of me.
EPT
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