EPT
A RESPONSE
Well, I got a FB msg that I wasn't able to respond to, asking where I've been for the past year and really I've tried to write a few posts here and there, but ended up deleting them. It just wasn't enough material to write something authentic or insightful. And I haven't felt the need to write as a means of reflection, but it's been on a mind a while, after all this blog has been around since the start of my independent business journey and I think at this point I've come full circle.
JOE & HIS CUZ
I have this client from Taiwan 'Joe' who I've known for 8 years and he has a cousin 'James' who is nearly 15 years his junior and 20 years mine. And he asks me if I can have dinner with him because the kid is not focused, but he is smart and disciplined and graduated with his math degree from university but hasn't impressed in the company Joe owns. So it has perplexed him for the last couple of years.
About 8 months ago, Joe actually brings James to see me for 3 days, -now- this isn't just taking a 1 hour drive, he actually flies him to Manila from Shanghai and tells him to just talk to me over the next 3 days.
Now of course, it's clear that Joe wants James to take over the family business, and it's a big deal and over the last few years, when I was really tight and down, Joe was one of the few guys who was there for me and extended me a massive line of credit when I needed it.
When Joe was a young man and new to Macau and bigger business, I took him under my wing for a bit, and he flourished on his own, but Joe himself is a pretty smart guy, so over the years when he has had major issues he's always either called or actually come to meet me or resolve them. Joe himself when he was young, was a major networking point for me, so it was always good, but this was the first time he asked a favor like this.
JAMES THE YOUNG SEXY BEAST
So I meet James and he is a very good looking guy, he eats right, works out a lot, but he eats properly, he works out for power and balance, and he is extremely well read. First impressions were exceedingly high, but after about 15 mins of listening to him speak and his body language, I can see why Joe is perplexed. James seems like the total package, but he isn't.
James says to me, 'so, my cuz says that you're a pretty smart guy and that is a surprise because he never says that about anyone, and that over the next 3 days you're supposed to figure me out or something?'
And I reply, 'I wouldn't say I'm smart, but as for figuring you out - who knows if there is anything 'wrong with you', I'm just meeting you as a favor to your cousin'
James replies; 'Oh, so you're not going to psycho analyse me or pick me apart?'
'No, but if I like you, we can hang out over the next few days, if not and you don't like my company either there are a lot of fun things a young guy like you can do in Manila over the next few days.'
So anyway- we go out that night, I drink, he gets drunk, and he doesn't have any local cash on him and Joe is flying in late the next day, and since James has picked up a chick, I have him dropped off at a nearby hotel and give him enough cash for the room and deposit.
Over the next 2 days, I don't say much, just ask him his opinion on a few things here and there, and he tags along with me for my late afternoons, as he wakes up at 1pm or so. Joe ends up coming on the 3rd day instead, and so finally we go for nice dinner just the 3 of us.
THE RECKONING
And the first thing Joe says as we sit down is, 'my cousin is a retard right?' Right in front of James. (FYI Joe went to private school in Texas, so his English is fluent, but he talks like a Texan if you can image that...)
And I say, no he isn't. then Joe says, 'then what is his problem?' And then James says, 'He doesn't know, he has just been drinking with me and not saying much'
Joe turns to James and says 'shut up retard, you think he doesn't know exactly who you are after 3 days?' And James looks at me and says, 'do you?'
I look at James and I say to him, 'Yes, I do, I know you exactly who you are, but what would be the point to saying it to you?'
Now this gets James' curiosity going and then of course he challenges, me, 'why wouldn't you tell me if you do know?' now this has gotten to the level of a grade school stare down and I reply,'you're not ready to hear it, so it would just be wasted words,' At this, James sits back and starts to grin, 'ok this is bullshit right? Joe thinks you know everything, but here you are acting as if you do know everything, but you're saying nothing. And I've been shadowing you for the last couple of days, and nothing you've done either has impressed me'
Joe, stands up from the tables and says, 'I'm going to go the washroom, and in the few minutes I'm gone, Atom, tell this retard what he asks, as a favor to me, whether it helps this dumbass or not, it doesn't mater to me at this point.'
So Joe leaves the table and now it's just me and James looking at each other, and I'm just drinking my fine red wine at this fine restaurant not saying anything at all. James looks at me in silence for about 10 seconds and says in a smug but still curious voice, 'well, are you going to tell me something or what, the clock is ticking', and I say, 'let me enjoy this wine a bit more, and I will.'
So he watches me swirl the wine around and then I take a small sip and put the glass down. And then in about 5 short sentences I break him down, articulate his position, character and attitude, in about a minute and I ask him in a calm nonchalant rhetorical way 'does that sound right to you?' And he is speechless and says, 'yes...how did you do that?'
At this point, Joe comes back to the table, looks at us, and sits down. And James still in shock says, to Joe, 'Atom just broke me down perfectly...how did you do that...' and Joe turns to James and cuts him off and says, 'of course he did, why do you think I flew you out here to meet him you dumbass.' Then Joe turns to me and says, 'ok I just want to know, how do I fix this kid, tell me you have the answer.'
Then me and Joe proceed to speak as if James wasn't there.
'Unfortunately, Joe, there is no answer, at this point. Your dumbass cousin will continue to be a dumbass for the foreseeable future, I don't see him having any urge to change and you've already spoiled him with everything a young man shouldn't have at his age and the fact is that it was clear he was going to smart enough to recognize what I was saying was true, as he is a very bright kid, but there isn't a solution now for him, time will tell if something else turns up that can change things for him, but for now, he is a retard, will continue be one. So, sorry it's not better news, I'm not a miracle worker.'
Joe sits back and looks at James and says, 'damn it' and gives a big sigh. 'Ok so what should I do with him' and James at this point knows that it was out of fake courteous that we were acting as if he was an equal participant in the last few days, he just sits there and takes the humiliation, but yet not, as he is sitting up, listening...
I tell Joe, 'listen, send him to me every few months or so for a week, he can stay at my place, let him do what he wants in the meantime and lets take it from there.' Joe replies, 'You don't think this is a waste of your time? I am happy to do that, but isn't it a bit much for you?' And I say, 'I know how significant this is for you, if James is up for it, then I'm happy to do it for you, after all, since you're pretty fucked up, and likely to fuck up things in the future, maybe it's better we have James as a back up for you!'
'Fuck you, that kid ain't ever going to be better than me, but, yeah, lets do that; James are you up for meeting Atom again or was this a big waste of time for you?'
And James replied, back, in all seriousness, 'yeah, I'd like to visit Atom again'.
Over the past 10 months, I've seen James about 5 times, sometimes 3 days, other times he has stayed a month. He has opened up about a lot of things like family pressure, expectations and things that he knows he could never speak to Joe about, My kids love uncle James, as they think he like superman, (but of course I'm the hulk). And recently, I've given him some very tough love and basically swore/hit him for a couple of days and have told Joe to not send him back to me until he can speak Mandarin fluently.
QUORA FAN
But to get to the point of all of this, James loves to read Quora, and while I read the top stories every couple of days, James is addicted to it, and the kid loves guns and military history as well. So a few months ago, it comes up that we both read it, and he says, 'Atom, you must be an expert poster on Quora!, where would I follow you?' And I say to him, 'oh I don't post anything there.' and James asks, 'why not, there is so much you could share,' and I say, 'no not really, the quality of the posters and their knowledge and expertise far exceeds mine, in fact, I would feel that none of my posts would really be insightful or informative enough, in fact, when I do skim through some of the other more specific business topics, I'm amazed at what information I pick up and how up-to-date everyone is.' And James replies, 'I disagree,' and we leave it at that. But the reality is, it's not that I don't think I could be insightful or informative enough, and a couple of times I have been really tempted to answer a few questions that I felt really missed the market even though it has been upvoted a hundred times. -
the reality is, I don't give a shit about the people at Quora, I don't care about that community, I'm not one to waste my time on anything or anyone, I live a very very hectic complex lifestyle with a ton of responsibility as well as support my own family and relatives.
LET THEM BLEED OUT
I don't need to prove that I'm right, and the other people are wrong or misinformed, in fact, I've said this so many times, in business, who cares if someone is saying something you think is wrong, let them be wrong, let them shoot themselves in the foot, let them bleed out and die, go ahead, be right, and die being right. I don't give a shit, not because I don't have the ability to give a shit, but I chose not to waste my time on things I don't care about or identify with. And one thing I care very deeply about and identify myself with is Teamliquid and being a gamer.
HONESTLY I DO...CARE...
A lot of newer members -ones who have just joined over the years- who can't stand my blogs tend to think I'm writing to make them feel bad about their lives or that I'm here to show off or if I am so great and powerful why would I post here to just get the adoration of little peons for my self-delusional world. And when I mean newer members, I mean members who have joined, but ultimately haven't stuck around, they read the one cryptic post I wrote and have to comment something because they want to point out one of the above points so they can be stand up to the Mightyatom blog of whatever delusion/ego/elitism etc. But if you see, I always try to reply back in the most constructive way, unless the person is just so rude there is no point, because, this is a community that I deeply care about.
BUT I ONLY CARE ABOUT TL.
How relevant is TL to me now? That's another question, but I think which can be clearly answered in how much I do participate in other threads, which is zero for the last 3 years I guess. But in terms of how relevant is TL to me 'always', and the community that I know and that knows me, - it will always be relevant - just like close friends you haven't seen for years, we don't change that much really, and it's not hard to start off where you left off from.
AN OLD SCHOOL GAMER
As a gamer as well, my identity there is fading, at coming on to 42 now, it's hard to keep to keep a young mentality, I use gaming to relieve stress more that trying to win, which makes playing public games nuts sometimes for my team mates because I'm not so consistent with my play. Dota2 and Company of Heroes 2 are the only 2 games I play anymore. Even those games are barely able to keep my interest. I play Disney infinity with my 7 year old, but it's such an effort to get into it. But again, at the heart of my personal identity is that I am a gamer. old school, but still. But being a gamer has also helped me keep relevant as well as given me insight in my current industries. I miss the entire SCBW international scene, the Korean one for me, being in Korea was cool as a spectator, but I had so much pride in being part of the international scene and it was such a special time, like when Pride FC was at it's peak. I still have so many great memories from the first WCG in 2000.
THIS BUSINESS ABOUT BUSINESS HAS RUN ITS COURSE
In terms of coming full circle in business, I think I nearly have. So many things I have learned from the time of being a hotshot goldenboy executive to where I am now. And after all this time, I think I can now distill it to just a few key points.
-When I left being a multinational senior director, I assumed that doing my own business would just be a 2 year adjustment. When really it has been a 6 year adjustment, and the reason for that is that being an executive and being an entrepreneur is just a total paradigm shift. It's not there isn't anything similar between the two, there are, but it's in a totally different framework and logic that it simply took time. I was over confident to approach being an entrepreneur as if it was just like learning a new industry, rather it was equivalent to being a mid-western American and learning to become a native Chinese citizen living in central China.
You spend the first 2 years looking for similarities on what you do know, but then realize that it causes more misunderstanding than understanding.
You spend the next 3 years starting to learn the language properly and realizing how American you really are and how not Chinese you are.
Then in the last year you actually start being Chinese.
And the key word is start.
And I'd say, whether I'm a slow learning or not, or that being a strategist is hardwired into my brain, it took 5 years of my life to actually start to have the right mind set/approach to being an entrepreneur. But the difference with me is that I did have these really preconceived understanding/frameworks that had always worked for me in the past. Getting past this was a major major huddle.
SENIOR EXECUTIVE TALENT = ENTREPRENEURIAL FAIL
Now in this respect, how to transition from an executive to an entrepreneur, I think I could write a definitive book on it. Which if an entrepreneur read it, they would say, 'duh obviously, these points are a given', but if an executive read it, they would probably say, 'thank god Atom has dissuaded me from thinking I could become an entrepreneur'. And yes, my message would be to 98% of senior established executives who simply want to make money, be successful and have stability and power, just stay put. You had the talent to make it to the top that quickly, it's probably the same talent which will work against you as an new entrepreneur. But if you are shit executive, well, maybe trying your hand at your own business isn't the worse move. lol.
NO WINS
At this point, I know I'm a shit entrepreneur or can I say, noob entrepreneur. I should not be giving advice on how to run your own business. It's not to say that I haven't learned a helluva lot or that I'm not not 3 times the man I use to be, but this has been an absolutely brutal experience that I've put my family through and while I'm still on this track, I probably did it the worst possible way on all fronts, which if you see my blog over the last 5 years, there are some small moments of victory, but most are blogs trying to grind or inspire or just survive. So in the last year when I did realize that I had finally made a paradigm shift to actually being an entrepreneur, I took stock of my immediate resources and of course one of them was my executive skill set and business negotiator background, so then I treated these as resources rather than who I am (i.e. than these skill defining and dictating the direction of business) and I just started to use them as if was just a staff in my own company that I had access too.
FULL CIRCLE
So nearly full circle, still doing the same thing, but in a totally different framework with totally different results. I had my first real win ever in the last 5 years this past 3 months, with a major international fund, buying out one of the companies I made, - this gave me such a morale boost and gave me some space to think clearly. I didn't make anything off of the sale, but I did get all the investment money back, which was 7 figures and a small percentage on the upside for the future.
But the network to the fund was my objective, which I got.
I finally pivoted my main company -twice- the first time just because I was desperate for any kind of win, and the second time, because I knew it the right move, even though it totally gave up on the initial market, -which I'm still on the hook to explain to my board about - this won't be an easy discussion and who knows, the effect in the market is still 60 days out, I could still screw the goose on this and that would basically destroy my reputation in the industry.
But I have 2 things going for me. I negotiated a very small exclusive distributor agreement that won't make much money, but will be enough to cover all my company's fixed expenses -assuming I don't hire anyone else- and I have one last Hail Mary unicorn agreement which I've been working on for the last 2 years, which may close tomorrow. Maybe not, I'm not banking on it, but it would be nice to be powerful again. ^^
NOT MY LAST POST
So I guess this is it, I won't say this is my last blog post, but this will be my last blog post on what I'm doing in business, because I think that journey is now done; as much as I don't need to post on TL to reflect on where I am at, and as much as this blog has become too vague when it comes to details (and thus a cryptic post which serves no purpose but to frustrate) -whereby I had to write that way because of being burned before by publicly posting and having a competitor and investor use it against me - which at this point am a I'm a lot more careful now and out of the spotlight ^^- but which makes for shit reading.
Again, this isn't my last blog post, just the last one for the entire business journey. So this isn't a good bye or anything, just wanted to explain and give some closure, but also say, Thank you TL, we are a great community, I am proud to have been a hyung to some of you, and thank you for reading, supporting, it was many times when the only support I had was TL in that it gave me some space to reflect, express and receive a good word of 'fighting' which is more than most people can hope for. TL is this place where I share, but it's like that is my other life and this is my life here. Hard to explain, but really I feel timeless here, as though I could be typing from 2005 and now in 2016 wouldn't be and isn't any different.
Every comment I appreciated, every read count I appreciated and it was never my intention to belittle anyone of you, it was my intention to contribute as I am to this community as the character that I am here, and presenting another side of experiences, while I feel that Quora probably will do that better than any blog post I could write, and that was never my intention, to educate TL or readers, it was just my way of contributing.
NON APOLOGETIC FUCK YOU
As a closing note this all. Money, materialism, stability. These are just byproducts and people really do think that happiness is a byproduct of money, materialism, stability. People will say, no that isn't the case, but really, people lie to themselves, life is always better with a bit more money, more material goods and of course stability.
But happiness for me, has been in competing in business -when I was a senior executive- and I was never saying that that is happiness for everyone, it's a profile of me, to share with you. And yes, at the end of the day, power which comes from money, reputation, stability etc, it gives me a high, and still does and will give, if I get to that point again, but I won't apologize for that, more than anything - I think about how I can remember these moments and not let myself get drunk with the feeling of power if it should come again. So I can still be myself, and not some asshole dickhead who really believes that having money and power makes him/her a better person or smarter and lose touch with reality-which I've done which lead me to giving it all up before.
But life is very tough for everyone, this blog was never meant to be a put down on anyone, but it isn't also apologetic either. I want to close and say, it's a choice, to be unbalanced to just focus on money or some kind of success alone. It's a choice to make hard decisions for the long term like moving your family for a chance. And there are sacrifices that other's aren't prepared to take, because it is a risk, it is selfish, etc. But for me, just me, it's ambition that defines me. And that's it. And it's why I don't regret, because I have no room for the regret because I am always pushing forward. It's not a life for everyone and it isn't a judgement on anyone, but it is the standard that I live by and what I did purposely want to present when I wrote.
MACHINE MODE
I am a Machine.
Because I chose it.
Because I want the power,
to crush any regret
I could have.
If for one moment, you needed to be the Machine, I wanted my community to know, that is what it looks like - for that day or period, when you have to chose to be a Machine because you had no choice but to.
But I'm no fool, the Machine can't run forever, and there is the man in the machine, I chose to be the Machine as long as I could, and now it's time to let it go...and be
an Archon!
Power
Overwhelming.
Fuck did you really think I was going to go out on a pussy note?
The day will come when I'm old, frail, and I want to spend more time with the things that really matter in life, but not for this post, this blog, and this is here when you need it.
No regret, crush those who would crush you, and above all else protect the weak.
What do guys think I've been doing all this time?
Inspiring gamers to crush is a calling. ^^
