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On July 23 2015 02:45 Djzapz wrote:Show nested quote +On July 22 2015 22:27 QuanticHawk wrote:
Even most secure person in the world is going to hear alarm bells going off when someone says 'you're not allowed to look at my public tumblr even though I interact with random internet weirdos all the time'
while I definitely get what you are saying, I think boiling it down to doing it because of insecurity really diminishes how weird her request was. if she wants a private safe space to vent to just her friends only a total weirdo would begrudge her for that, and there are plenty of ways to do that.
wanting a venting space that anyone can access but her SO is really really weird I disagree with multiple things you said. The first one is the use of SO. I find that expression so fucking absurd and retarded it makes me angry. Significant other. What the fuck, this bottle opener I have in front of me is significant and I have others. "SO". Fuck that. Fuck. Sorry Now forgive me QH I spend a lot less time on these girl blogs and dating boards than you seem to, but allow me to express my unpolished opinion. I can totally see why people would want to have this weird public thing that'd be also private from the people you know in real life, even your significant other. OP wrote about how she wrote him as "her prince" which is tacky as fuck and if I was a softy and had cared to write those fluffy stories about the cutesie things I and my gf did, I certainly wouldn't want people to see. It's kind of like how I enjoy this weird Kpop sometimes and I can tell you QH but I can't tell my skiing buddies, they wouldn't understand, and that's okay too. It's kind of like keeping a private journal that you don't want others to see, but you don't mind it if they're strangers.
hahaha, sorry it's a habit. I find it odd too but i have friends who prefer to use that term so it comes out naturally at times. no worries! Kpop is always shameful though.
but as far as us both being dorks who talk about and play video games with people from a random forum, yeah it's generally a private thing in the sense that I don't do it with any of my friends. But that's more of a function of my friends and gf not being interested in bw, the games I play, or the forums I post on. More than a few times I've played games with both grounds of people. If one of your skiing friends or gf loved broodwar, kpop, and hockey, he'd be here too, no?
I get the concept of wanting a space to vent or just write freely. I just don't get wanting a public diary that's open to everyone but your bf.
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On July 23 2015 06:20 QuanticHawk wrote:Show nested quote +On July 23 2015 02:45 Djzapz wrote:On July 22 2015 22:27 QuanticHawk wrote:
Even most secure person in the world is going to hear alarm bells going off when someone says 'you're not allowed to look at my public tumblr even though I interact with random internet weirdos all the time'
while I definitely get what you are saying, I think boiling it down to doing it because of insecurity really diminishes how weird her request was. if she wants a private safe space to vent to just her friends only a total weirdo would begrudge her for that, and there are plenty of ways to do that.
wanting a venting space that anyone can access but her SO is really really weird I disagree with multiple things you said. The first one is the use of SO. I find that expression so fucking absurd and retarded it makes me angry. Significant other. What the fuck, this bottle opener I have in front of me is significant and I have others. "SO". Fuck that. Fuck. Sorry Now forgive me QH I spend a lot less time on these girl blogs and dating boards than you seem to, but allow me to express my unpolished opinion. I can totally see why people would want to have this weird public thing that'd be also private from the people you know in real life, even your significant other. OP wrote about how she wrote him as "her prince" which is tacky as fuck and if I was a softy and had cared to write those fluffy stories about the cutesie things I and my gf did, I certainly wouldn't want people to see. It's kind of like how I enjoy this weird Kpop sometimes and I can tell you QH but I can't tell my skiing buddies, they wouldn't understand, and that's okay too. It's kind of like keeping a private journal that you don't want others to see, but you don't mind it if they're strangers. hahaha, sorry it's a habit. I find it odd too but i have friends who prefer to use that term so it comes out naturally at times. no worries! Kpop is always shameful though. but as far as us both being dorks who talk about and play video games with people from a random forum, yeah it's generally a private thing in the sense that I don't do it with any of my friends. But that's more of a function of my friends and gf not being interested in bw, the games I play, or the forums I post on. More than a few times I've played games with both grounds of people. If one of your skiing friends or gf loved broodwar, kpop, and hockey, he'd be here too, no? I get the concept of wanting a space to vent or just write freely. I just don't get wanting a public diary that's open to everyone but your bf.
It's weird but not necessarily a red flag. Like you know I like embarrassing stuff but I don't mind because you don't know who I am. I've also blogged stuff that hopefully my friends who know of this username won't read because some of my blogs are bad. But yeah I get it.
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true, that's a fair enough criticism. I can agree with weird but not a necessarily a red flag.
at any rate op i think it's fair to say you both should have a talk about why she wants to hide it so bad, and why you're so curious to see it.
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TLADT24920 Posts
On July 23 2015 08:19 QuanticHawk wrote:
true, that's a fair enough criticism. I can agree with weird but not a necessarily a red flag.
at any rate op i think it's fair to say you both should have a talk about why she wants to hide it so bad, and why you're so curious to see it.
I think he's curious to see it because she told him not to see it lol. As for why she wants to hide it, maybe she feels embarrassed that she calls him prince or thinks that her relationship will change if he checked it. Alternative is that she wants her thoughts to stay "private" online.
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United States9925 Posts
She primarily told me she wanted to hide it was because she wanted some personal place to express herself and her feelings. Yes, you all have said, "but it's on the internet blah blah." I understand why you all think she's in the wrong but regardless of what media she puts it on, it's my responsibility to accept what she wants and not go looking through her stuff that she tells me not to.
Additionally, no one she knows actually knows about her tumblr. They probably know she has one, but they most likely have been able to restrain themselves or just don't care. I, on the other hand, am overly curious which led me to have thoughts go into my head and try to find it.
Anyways, thanks for all the replies, regardless if you dislike my girlfriend or don't understand her reasoning. But at the end of the day, I should have listened to her and not done what I did. Thanks again.
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Dude... She has an ONLINE, PUBLIC PAGE and you are angry with yourself because you looked at it?
If she wants secrets she can keep a diary. Wtf is this I don't even...
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Bearded Elder29902 Posts
On July 23 2015 04:06 FlaShFTW wrote:Show nested quote +On July 23 2015 02:50 DarkPlasmaBall wrote:On July 23 2015 00:25 FlaShFTW wrote:On July 22 2015 20:23 DarkPlasmaBall wrote:Yeah you fucked up, but it's very telling that you recognize what you did (and appropriately feel like shit), and I think you and her will end up stronger as a result. There are far worse ways to betray a significant other's trust (e.g., cheating on them), and I think you and her will be just fine after you guys get over this  I understand your mindset, although some other commenters apparently don't understand the difference between "The right/ freedom to look it up on the internet" and "Abiding by a special request that someone you care about asked of you". Obviously, you didn't do anything illegal, but this is a still a personal and moral issue because you also broke a commitment to someone you care about not to butt in on an outlet for personal thoughts, which can cause friction in your relationship. It'll be okay though Just don't pull this shit again, in any other forms of snooping where you don't belong  thank you for making the best response in this thread. it means a lot. im at work and i feel like im going to crumble at any second right now. i feel so weak lol. Any time <3 She'll feel like you betrayed her trust (because you did), but you guys will definitely get through it. This isn't relationship-ending drama, but it's a solid "You'll feel like shit for a while and she'll need time to recover" situation. And that naturally happens in relationships. Once that's over, you guys will have kickass makeup sex This is exactly what's going on right now. She basically had a semi-withdraw from me and told me she did lose some trust in me. She was also getting ready to open up to me more and when I was going to see her next weekend (I'm in SF for internship and she's still in SD), she was going to tell me some things. Now that I did what I did, she says it will take her time to open up again. And idk if the last part will happen haha. But again, seriously, thanks for the advice and words. Between TL and reddit, you've given me the best answers and words so far. I truly appreciate it. <3
I never believed in the 'I need time to open up' bullshit that girls kept saying to her partner. What I mean is that if a girl is really into you, she will open up from the very beggining and will 'close' a bit once she loses a bit trust to her partner since trust needs to rebuilt BUT I never ever believed in 'I need time to open up'. You either open up at the beggining of relationship or you never do it in 100%. But that's just my own opinion based on experience and observation.
Also I had a little storm between me and my wife as she always knew I'm a part of TL community and that I post often here and she wasn't really into it until one day, she just started reading my past posts and there were few of them that she didn't liked at all. All ended up good and I have no reason to hide anything from her if it comes to TL or other community sites liek facebook or twitter or mails or w/e.
Edit : And all in all, I was glad she actually read that. It means she still cares.
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On July 22 2015 18:29 FiWiFaKi wrote:Show nested quote +On July 22 2015 18:12 WonnaPlay wrote:
Human curiosity is something, which you shouldn't be blamed for.
The thing with posting stuff on the internet is, that anyone can find it. If people know some of your traits/nicknames, it is easily accessible.
If she really wants to keep things a secret, she would write in a diary. She's using tumblr to express her emotions and maybe chat with similar girls/problems. I'd understand that she'd prefer you not to find it, but it's not something she can demand. It would be a whole different story if you'd snoop between her things/mobile/diary and found out that way.
You merely found her online due to her nicknames and that should be viewed as "interested in" instead of "invading privacy". If this is invading privacy, we're going to have huge problems in the future.. She can certainly demand it. She can't legally enforce it, but she can demand it. Just like my girlfriend can't force me from cheating if I really want to... The only difference between this and a private diary is that the diary is meant to be shown to nobody, while the tumblr posts are meant to be shown to a select group of people that she chose you to not be a part of (which is fair, nothing to be jealous of). It's very similar to snooping through someones diary imo. Like if she specifically asks "don't do this", why would you? Yes, curiosity is a good trait for the human race to have, but being curious can be bad, just like in this situation.
I think we need to know the ages.
If this scenario was when I was 18, I'd be on your side.
To me, my gf is someone who knows my thoughts and we share basically everything. She doesn't have to agree with me, but neither do I have to agree with her. If she wants to look at my posts on my fora, then she should.
Respecting privacy is still key, I wouldn't want to check through her personal stuff for things, but if I just happen to find something and see something I would tell her.
She can demand to not view her tumblr, but by saying that she only made it more interesting to the OP. It's been said before, but if the OP was going through her personal stuff and found the blog this way, I consider it unethical. If he found it the way he did through intelligence, then it means that his GF wasn't so scared of hiding herself. I mean if I google my own freaking name, I'll end up on so many gaming / nerd stuff. It's not even funny... I chose to not make a private life on the internet, if I chose a private life on the internet, I would keep them 100% apart.
Tumblr is a public site without a login needed. Public is Public, Private is Private. If you're going down the road of : "don't go on Tumblr,because it's possible that you find my private stuff there", then you might aswell put Freedom of Speech on the banning table, since that is an escalation of this instance.
On July 22 2015 19:18 FiWiFaKi wrote:Show nested quote +On July 22 2015 19:09 Cambium wrote:
If she had a physical journal then I would understand, this "everyone and anyone online but you" line of reasoning is weak You wouldn't care at all if your girlfriend just searched your username in the sidebar, and started reading every single post you've posted on TL?
No, I think that in a strong relationship you just know/accept this from eachother. Who hasn't said stupid stuff during their life or done idiotic things?
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On July 23 2015 09:07 FlaShFTW wrote:
She primarily told me she wanted to hide it was because she wanted some personal place to express herself and her feelings. Yes, you all have said, "but it's on the internet blah blah." I understand why you all think she's in the wrong but regardless of what media she puts it on, it's my responsibility to accept what she wants and not go looking through her stuff that she tells me not to.
Additionally, no one she knows actually knows about her tumblr. They probably know she has one, but they most likely have been able to restrain themselves or just don't care. I, on the other hand, am overly curious which led me to have thoughts go into my head and try to find it.
Anyways, thanks for all the replies, regardless if you dislike my girlfriend or don't understand her reasoning. But at the end of the day, I should have listened to her and not done what I did. Thanks again.
I think it's a very respectable choice. In the end, it's all about context.
How did she say it; How is your relationship; what age are you guys; in what way do you communicate.
I don't think there's a right or wrong here, just interpretation of a scenario.
As you said, you think you were in the wrong in your scenario. Which I think is good. Admittance of fault can be a very hard thing to do and your GF should be able to understand where you're coming from.
However, since your situation is so specific, every relationship would handle this in a different way, which results in all these spread out opinions. It's one of those situational ethical dilemma's.
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Bearded Elder29902 Posts
On July 23 2015 20:26 WonnaPlay wrote:Show nested quote +On July 22 2015 18:29 FiWiFaKi wrote:On July 22 2015 18:12 WonnaPlay wrote:
Human curiosity is something, which you shouldn't be blamed for.
The thing with posting stuff on the internet is, that anyone can find it. If people know some of your traits/nicknames, it is easily accessible.
If she really wants to keep things a secret, she would write in a diary. She's using tumblr to express her emotions and maybe chat with similar girls/problems. I'd understand that she'd prefer you not to find it, but it's not something she can demand. It would be a whole different story if you'd snoop between her things/mobile/diary and found out that way.
You merely found her online due to her nicknames and that should be viewed as "interested in" instead of "invading privacy". If this is invading privacy, we're going to have huge problems in the future.. She can certainly demand it. She can't legally enforce it, but she can demand it. Just like my girlfriend can't force me from cheating if I really want to... The only difference between this and a private diary is that the diary is meant to be shown to nobody, while the tumblr posts are meant to be shown to a select group of people that she chose you to not be a part of (which is fair, nothing to be jealous of). It's very similar to snooping through someones diary imo. Like if she specifically asks "don't do this", why would you? Yes, curiosity is a good trait for the human race to have, but being curious can be bad, just like in this situation. I think we need to know the ages. If this scenario was when I was 18, I'd be on your side. To me, my gf is someone who knows my thoughts and we share basically everything. She doesn't have to agree with me, but neither do I have to agree with her. If she wants to look at my posts on my fora, then she should. Respecting privacy is still key, I wouldn't want to check through her personal stuff for things, but if I just happen to find something and see something I would tell her. She can demand to not view her tumblr, but by saying that she only made it more interesting to the OP. It's been said before, but if the OP was going through her personal stuff and found the blog this way, I consider it unethical. If he found it the way he did through intelligence, then it means that his GF wasn't so scared of hiding herself. I mean if I google my own freaking name, I'll end up on so many gaming / nerd stuff. It's not even funny... I chose to not make a private life on the internet, if I chose a private life on the internet, I would keep them 100% apart. Tumblr is a public site without a login needed. Public is Public, Private is Private. If you're going down the road of : "don't go on Tumblr,because it's possible that you find my private stuff there", then you might aswell put Freedom of Speech on the banning table, since that is an escalation of this instance. Show nested quote +On July 22 2015 19:18 FiWiFaKi wrote:On July 22 2015 19:09 Cambium wrote:
If she had a physical journal then I would understand, this "everyone and anyone online but you" line of reasoning is weak You wouldn't care at all if your girlfriend just searched your username in the sidebar, and started reading every single post you've posted on TL? No, I think that in a strong relationship you just know/accept this from eachother. Who hasn't said stupid stuff during their life or done idiotic things?
I totally agree.
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I'm 21 and I've been in my relationship for 30~ months, so I might be younger than many of the ones posting here... And I agree it's a bit on the borderline edge, and that it can go both ways, but in general, I still stand by my original position.
If someone specifically asks you to keep out of somewhere, because they just want some personal privacy from their real world stuff, I think it's a reasonable request. I might occasionally rage when I play SC2, and I don't say anything that my girlfriend would get pissed over, but I'd just personally rather have her not see that. My girlfriend works as a bartender while going to school, in the same way, I have a good idea of what she does, but she probably wouldn't want me to be sitting at the bar while working... You know, she might feel a bit less comfortable doing those flirty things for tips, etc. Maybe I'm not explaining myself well, but what I've said is how I look at the situation.
At the end of the day, I don't think it's that big of a deal... If my girlfriend went on TL and started reading my posts, I'd be like bleh why, or contacting my little brother to see where I am. It's just the things I'd prefer she not go snooping, even though I have nothing to hide. The fact that she specifically asked him not to do that is what makes it a bigger deal, versus the "doesn't matter much, though I'm sure she'd prefer I not do that".
edit: Imo, what the OP did is still kind of snooping... He didn't just stumble on it, he went a bit Sherlock Holmes to find it, and thus, like looking through a diary, I think it's unethical. If it's opened on your computer after she left, then I'd still close it, but I'd consider that the grey zone.
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Bearded Elder29902 Posts
Maybe you're right. I can't respond to this, since I'm a bit older, I have a wife and a son now and we've been living together for over 4 years. We share with basically anything, there is no place for 'private' things but that's probably because neither me nor my wife ever asked for me or wanted to keep any kind of secrets away from me.
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Yes, I've read your blog, congratulation on the marriage.
It definitely changes with time, especially once you start sharing finances, having children, definitely less room for secrets... I've noticed that with us too, telling each other almost everything about what we did, when before we'd be a bit more vague on the details of hanging out with others and such.
Might also be a cultural thing, I was originally born in Slovakia, living in Canada, and it's certainly a more individualistic culture here. We can both be right ^__^.
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I can totally relate to your standpoints. I just don't agree with all of them
I think this is indeed a cultural/age/ethical thing, where neither party is right or wrong.
When I think from your reasoning, it makes sense. When I relate it to my own life, it doesn't make sense.
The incident happened, you either get over it with each other or not. If you truly love one another, this shouldn't be a deal breaker.
I think this saying is spot on concerning this topic, since I think your logic is solid aswell (thus it removes the discussion potential) ;
Agree to Disagree.
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United States9925 Posts
My gf knows I use TL. At least, I've shown her the website, and hell I've even shown her my username. I wouldn't care if she read my posts, though my earlier blogs when I was... less mature and different from where I am today is something I would consider telling her not to look at, simply because it does not reflect upon who I am today. But the works I've done, the current commentary and gameplay analysis stuff I'm doing, that's all fair game. Hell she'll watch me stream sometimes even though she has no clue what's going on.
I can't repeat exactly what she said, my memory is getting fuzzy and it's something I'd rather try to forget. But she said basically, "It's a place for me to share my feelings and personal thoughts where I feel safe from anything." In fact, when I got visibly upset that she told me she wanted this to be a secret for only her, she told me sorry, it's just something she wants to herself but I could have anything else I wanted to know. We're both 18, her being only 1 month older than I am. Our relationship is pretty good, we're generally very happy with each other and we talk every night and text every moment we get.
I can see where you all come from. I still agree most with FiWi because, in the end, I did go Sherloc on it. It's not like I just typed in her name on tumblr and immediately found her (I tried doing that immediately after she told me she had one but before she said to not look for it). I had a plan, I followed through, I had hoped to not find it but I did. Yes, I am a detective when it comes to finding information and it's a bit scary to even myself how committed I can be to find something. It's weird though, she said if she just left a physical copy on her desk in an actual diary, I feel like I wouldn't even go for it. Because it's on the internet and I can actively try to find it and look for it, that might be another reason why I tried to find it.
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I think you just need some time to calm down. When you are 18 every bit of relationship drama seems like the end of the world. What happened was obviously not great and she has the right to be upset. It sounds like she didn't really get THAT bothered by it though, so just be grateful that she's cool about it and don't do it again.
I don't agree with people who say that "because it's online and public you are entitled to it". People have pseudonyms and throwaway accounts for a reason. If she says you can't look at it, then it's off limits. The OP definitely deliberately looked into it, knowing it's off limits. That's no excuse.
But seriously, relax. There are much worse things you can do than this. She doesn't even really care. It's just your own ego that got simultaneously inflated by the "prince comments" and crushed by your own conscience. Get over yourself.
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On July 22 2015 23:48 Carnivorous Sheep wrote:
I love this, this is such a classic TL girl blog - some totally absurd and trivial issue that still some how sparks irrational debate.
This is actually vintage TL girl blog material. Couldn't have phrased it better myself lmao
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I find you very sweet with your better half. (no troll/flame/paternization, honest)
Hope all is well in "the end".
She knows you sherlock, she told you where to look. Power play is a mean expression, I call it life. Every breath every thought is a power play.
That you felt shame absolves you of the basic sin, but what about the rest?
Next stop? I would humbly say you could try to balance the scale by doing something else (something that would revert in her mind what "you did to her" into what it was for you: interest in her "derived/inceptionned" from the way you are!)!
This might be about that sherlockitude you were mentioning? Is that not who you are, who she texts to daily?
No no.. sherlock must thrive, let him. Now .. that watson.. telling everyone about sherlock.., that I'm not too sure about.. maybe you should do something about him..?
(in this analogy: sherlock represents what you are what you could be, watson what you seem to be and the worst others think of you, etc).
Telling her is a coward move, not telling her would have been worse, a gambling move...
There are times when there is just the lesser of two evils and you save your soul first .. if anything else can survive then it is great but your soul must survive otherwise there s nothing.
As for her "opening up"? Do.. or do not. There is no trying!
Teenager couples are hard, good luck have faith!
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EPT
