I fucked up. I seriously fucked up and right now, I hate the sight of my own face in the mirror or any reflection. It always seems that the people around me who care for me most and love me the most... I end up disappointing the most. I've never felt more ashamed of myself and who I am in my life today.
My girlfriend has a tumblr she's had for the past 5 years. Now, for obvious reasons, she doesn't want me to see it because it's her own personal and private space that she feels she can openly talk about her thoughts and post what she wants. Me, being the fucking moron and curious piece of shit, had to hear this. Instead of hearing, "Please don't ever go find my blog," I heard, "Please try to find my blog and destroy any sense of privacy I have." This was last Wednesday. I didn't try to find it, and I tried to ignore that burning itch to look for it.
Yesterday, while at work, that itch gets the better of me. I start thinking of what her name might me and it hits me... her snapchat name. I'm excited now, I might have cracked it. But inside, all I had was fear. I didn't want to see it. I wanted it to be a dud. I didn't want to do this to her. But I went home, typed it in, and would you know it, she used this tag in one of her posts. I followed this trail down and stumbled upon... the most beautiful tumblr page I have ever seen. It was.... so... her. I fell in love with it the second I could confirm it was hers. Every tiny detail, every post, every tag, I could see her cute little fingers typing those in, formatting everything to perfection.
Then... I found my own tag. "Wang Zi" or "prince." I was her prince. I cried. I cried like a little girl when I clicked on that tag and was flooded with thoughts and emotions. And yet... I felt like shit. I felt like I had destroyed her privacy, her trust. I hated myself, but I was in love with her blog. I've never been so torn in my life.
I told her an hour ago. I hated how calm she was, how... ok she was with it. But I knew she was disappointed in me and upset on the inside. She wasn't mad, she wasn't angry. She was just... I don't know... sad? I felt like I lost so much of her trust from this. I had gone into her personal work, something she's put time and energy into for about 5 years of her life.
I want to change. I hate being this curious about everything, prying my way into things I shouldn't be prying into. I'm too open of a person, and expecting people would be equally open back to me. But she's a very... closed person. She doesn't like talking about feelings that much. I know you might think we're not a good match or whatever, but I've never loved someone more in my life than I have right now. I'm scared things will never be the same after this.
I'm going to hate the face I see tomorrow morning in the mirror.