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United States10091 Posts
Curiosity. Curiosity killed the cat. Too bad there was no satisfaction to bring it back this time.
I fucked up. I seriously fucked up and right now, I hate the sight of my own face in the mirror or any reflection. It always seems that the people around me who care for me most and love me the most... I end up disappointing the most. I've never felt more ashamed of myself and who I am in my life today.
My girlfriend has a tumblr she's had for the past 5 years. Now, for obvious reasons, she doesn't want me to see it because it's her own personal and private space that she feels she can openly talk about her thoughts and post what she wants. Me, being the fucking moron and curious piece of shit, had to hear this. Instead of hearing, "Please don't ever go find my blog," I heard, "Please try to find my blog and destroy any sense of privacy I have." This was last Wednesday. I didn't try to find it, and I tried to ignore that burning itch to look for it.
Yesterday, while at work, that itch gets the better of me. I start thinking of what her name might me and it hits me... her snapchat name. I'm excited now, I might have cracked it. But inside, all I had was fear. I didn't want to see it. I wanted it to be a dud. I didn't want to do this to her. But I went home, typed it in, and would you know it, she used this tag in one of her posts. I followed this trail down and stumbled upon... the most beautiful tumblr page I have ever seen. It was.... so... her. I fell in love with it the second I could confirm it was hers. Every tiny detail, every post, every tag, I could see her cute little fingers typing those in, formatting everything to perfection.
Then... I found my own tag. "Wang Zi" or "prince." I was her prince. I cried. I cried like a little girl when I clicked on that tag and was flooded with thoughts and emotions. And yet... I felt like shit. I felt like I had destroyed her privacy, her trust. I hated myself, but I was in love with her blog. I've never been so torn in my life.
I told her an hour ago. I hated how calm she was, how... ok she was with it. But I knew she was disappointed in me and upset on the inside. She wasn't mad, she wasn't angry. She was just... I don't know... sad? I felt like I lost so much of her trust from this. I had gone into her personal work, something she's put time and energy into for about 5 years of her life.
I want to change. I hate being this curious about everything, prying my way into things I shouldn't be prying into. I'm too open of a person, and expecting people would be equally open back to me. But she's a very... closed person. She doesn't like talking about feelings that much. I know you might think we're not a good match or whatever, but I've never loved someone more in my life than I have right now. I'm scared things will never be the same after this.
I'm going to hate the face I see tomorrow morning in the mirror.
-FFTW
 
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I don't get why people share things they don't want to share. If it is online it is fair game.
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Yep, you fucked up.
I pretty much told my girlfriend to stay off of TL. But then she watched GoT, and she wanted to read what people said in the GoT thread, so I was like okay fine. And then, curiosity got the better of her, and she started reading all of my shit.
I was mad and upset, lost some trust in her, etc. It's my place to vent about whatever I want, and potentially share unpopular opinions that I have, so I don't like people I know snooping here. In the long term, I don't think it was too damaging. Other things she has done are a lot harder to let go than her reading my messages in a couple thread she was interested in.
Just have that self-control, and don't have the need to be omniscient... Just a matter of respecting the other person =/
On July 22 2015 16:31 Odowan Paleolithic wrote:
I don't get why people share things they don't want to share. If it is online it is fair game.
I disagree. You will tell your friends things you don't post on facebook, I will tell strangers on TL here things I wont tell people IRL, I will share more casual things on Tumblr (if I used tumblr), that I wouldn't share on facebook. It's not like they are deep-dark secrets, it's just wanting to keep different parts of your life separate.
It's like if I went to my girlfriends friends, and started asking all about the things they do together, and embarrassing things she has done... If she wants to tell me, she can, it's not my prerogative to snoop for that information. I mean legally you can, but I wouldn't want to be with someone who can't give me my space (when I clearly have no wicked intentions).
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On July 22 2015 16:32 FiWiFaKi wrote:
I pretty much told my girlfriend to stay off of TL.
So she can't visit TL because of you? That is not up to you to decide right?
If the beauty has to find out the beast and can't take it then the beauty is too shallow.
I haven't posted things on Facebook much at all. If I find it important enough to bother I just straight up call or meet. If there is dark secret then why post it without the onion?
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On July 22 2015 16:38 Odowan Paleolithic wrote:Show nested quote +On July 22 2015 16:32 FiWiFaKi wrote:
I pretty much told my girlfriend to stay off of TL. So she can't visit TL because of you? That is not up to you to decide right? If the beauty has to find out the beast and can't take it then the beauty is too shallow.
It's my place, where I have an identity among my peers, that I simply want to keep separate from my university and relationship life. If she respects this, then she wont come here.... She honestly has very little interest in anything here besides things I may say, it's not as if I'm preventing her from using facebook, or some other hobby she enjoys.
Maybe we simply have a different perspective on how we think relationships should work. One of the first things I told my girlfriend after our first week or two of "being in love" is that we don't make each other the world, but build a world together that we love while being at each others' side (was worded better then). I dunno, I don't think it's unreasonable if my girlfriend asks me not to join the dodgeball league she is in, or the book club she might be in, etc.
And my girlfriend knows me well enough that I have my things I nerd out about, whether it was making money from SC in the past, cycling 1250km to Seattle for TI5, staying up till 6am (or 10am) to watch OSL or Tour de France. I'm not hiding these hobbies from her, I just want to do these hobbies separately.
edit: As for your facebook comment, I'm not talking about me specifically, just the observations about others I've seen. I'm quite reserved in using facebook for sharing information.
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On July 22 2015 16:46 FiWiFaKi wrote:Show nested quote +On July 22 2015 16:38 Odowan Paleolithic wrote:On July 22 2015 16:32 FiWiFaKi wrote:
I pretty much told my girlfriend to stay off of TL. So she can't visit TL because of you? That is not up to you to decide right? If the beauty has to find out the beast and can't take it then the beauty is too shallow. It's my place, where I have an identity among my peers, that I simply want to keep separate from my university and relationship life. If she respects this, then she wont come here.... She honestly has very little interest in anything here besides things I may say, it's not as if I'm preventing her from using facebook, or some other hobby she enjoys. Maybe we simply have a different perspective on how we think relationships should work. One of the first things I told my girlfriend after our first week or two of "being in love" is that we don't make each other the world, but build a world together that we love while being at each others' side (was worded better then). I dunno, I don't think it's unreasonable if my girlfriend asks me not to join the dodgeball league she is in, or the book club she might be in, etc. And my girlfriend knows me well enough that I have my things I nerd out about, whether it was making money from SC in the past, cycling 1250km to Seattle for TI5, staying up till 6am (or 10am) to watch OSL or Tour de France. I'm not hiding these hobbies from her, I just want to do these hobbies separately. edit: As for your facebook comment, I'm not talking about me specifically, just the observations about others I've seen. I'm quite reserved in using facebook for sharing information.
You see all those thing you mentioned you are not exactly hiding right?
The things OP talked about was explicitly trying to hide (whether it was worth hiding is up to debate).
This reminds me of the how I met your mother episode where the envelope contains the will.
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Pandemona
Charlie Sheens House51452 Posts
Now you know whats on there you dont need to go on it again and thus you haven't done anything wrong. Just say sorry and move on, like someone says if your posting shit on the internet lots and lots of people can see it....whether you want them too or not.
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On July 22 2015 17:23 Pandemona wrote:
Now you know whats on there you dont need to go on it again and thus you haven't done anything wrong. Just say sorry and move on, like someone says if your posting shit on the internet lots and lots of people can see it....whether you want them too or not.
Will he get away with it?
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Human curiosity is something, which you shouldn't be blamed for.
The thing with posting stuff on the internet is, that anyone can find it. If people know some of your traits/nicknames, it is easily accessible.
If she really wants to keep things a secret, she would write in a diary. She's using tumblr to express her emotions and maybe chat with similar girls/problems. I'd understand that she'd prefer you not to find it, but it's not something she can demand. It would be a whole different story if you'd snoop between her things/mobile/diary and found out that way.
You merely found her online due to her nicknames and that should be viewed as "interested in" instead of "invading privacy". If this is invading privacy, we're going to have huge problems in the future..
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On July 22 2015 18:12 WonnaPlay wrote:
Human curiosity is something, which you shouldn't be blamed for.
The thing with posting stuff on the internet is, that anyone can find it. If people know some of your traits/nicknames, it is easily accessible.
If she really wants to keep things a secret, she would write in a diary. She's using tumblr to express her emotions and maybe chat with similar girls/problems. I'd understand that she'd prefer you not to find it, but it's not something she can demand. It would be a whole different story if you'd snoop between her things/mobile/diary and found out that way.
You merely found her online due to her nicknames and that should be viewed as "interested in" instead of "invading privacy". If this is invading privacy, we're going to have huge problems in the future..
She can certainly demand it. She can't legally enforce it, but she can demand it. Just like my girlfriend can't force me from cheating if I really want to...
The only difference between this and a private diary is that the diary is meant to be shown to nobody, while the tumblr posts are meant to be shown to a select group of people that she chose you to not be a part of (which is fair, nothing to be jealous of). It's very similar to snooping through someones diary imo.
Like if she specifically asks "don't do this", why would you? Yes, curiosity is a good trait for the human race to have, but being curious can be bad, just like in this situation.
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On July 22 2015 16:31 Odowan Paleolithic wrote:
I don't get why people share things they don't want to share. If it is online it is fair game.
I tend to agree with that feeling.
I mean if she wants to have a diary to keep her personnal thoughts that's all fine and dandy. But if she gets that diary published and it's available in every bookstore, then she can't ask you to not read it and act like it's still private.
If you want things to stay private, don't share them openly. Facebook and most social networking sites now allow you to set up "private groups" where only the people in the group can see what's posted.
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If she had a physical journal then I would understand, this "everyone and anyone online but you" line of reasoning is weak
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On July 22 2015 19:09 Cambium wrote:
If she had a physical journal then I would understand, this "everyone and anyone online but you" line of reasoning is weak
You wouldn't care at all if your girlfriend just searched your username in the sidebar, and started reading every single post you've posted on TL?
You know, all the politics debate, saying stupid shit like "I'm homo for lomo" or something when Hwaseung Oz was doing really well in SPL, and just like little details they you'd prefer people not knowing, even though you are not hiding them. It's a nice feeling believing you can share your unfiltered opinions about things without it having impacts on your life.
Just like how in theory there should be nothing wrong with posting your email or address on the internet, but instead, we like to have so anonymity on the internet, so we don't have to face consequences for what we do here. Just like you'd prefer if your boss didn't through your TL posts.
I'm actually socked how many people here support the OP in having done nothing wrong. Different values and beliefs I suppose.
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Seriously.
Everything you put out on the internet, just like this post of mine, is out there with your consent.
There simply aint no room to be "disappointed". You dont want anyone to read or hear of what you think? Dont write it into the easiest available platform of all time then.
Get real please. 
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lmao I saw your reddit post dude. you've done a great job of spinning your fuckup around for internet points!
jk jk good luck friendo
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On July 22 2015 19:27 NoSoldier wrote:Seriously. Everything you put out on the internet, just like this post of mine, is out there with your consent. There simply aint no room to be "disappointed". You dont want anyone to read or hear of what you think? Dont write it into the easiest available platform of all time then. Get real please.
That logic is so bad.
Firstly, most of you here probably don't use Tumblr, so you might not understand the appeal of it. You want to share things with a specific group of people with the same interests as you. Kind of hard to find anyone in a distant world without making it accessible before meeting them.
If you are in a relationship, you can request whatever you want, and the other person can decide whether to agree with it or not. I can request my girlfriend to not cheat, I can request her to not steal things from my house... Your boss at work can request you to not go through folders on the shelves with confidential information in them.
Just because something is easily possible, doesn't mean you can't ask people to not do it. Obviously, there must be incentive for them not to do it (as in there was be a relationship between the two parties that is worth more than the act).
The logic here is so fucking stupid, it's the same logic that says girls who dress like sluts were asking to get raped and shit.
edit: Anyway, I'm done with this thread, as it isn't doing anyone any good, and I don't think anyone who has posted has been in or understands the situation adequately except the OP.
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The fact that tumblr is special for you does not influence the fact that what you write on that platform is accessible from almost all over the world - on top of that from EVERYONE who bothers to look for it.
I get the point that when you request something from someone you would like for that something to be obeyed.
Lets get this straight:
Girlfriend has tumblr since forever (yeahyeah, 5 years). I have no way of knowing how long they are together, so lets assume 2 scenarios:
The relationship is young:
You fucked up. Big time. I dont find anything else to say here.
The relationship extends for a longer period of time:
You were not interested in her tumblr for a long time. Like a long time.
What made you want to look at it in the first place?
What gets the mouse in the trap? The fucking cheese does.
"Dont ever look on my tumblr." Thats what is supposed to get you into the "trap". "Is it exciting? Tasty? Is it horrible? Is it really nice?" It makes you curious.
She planted the thought in your head. You were not even bothering with it.
I think from her perspective this is one of three things:
a) A scheme to get you to walk into the trap, because she knows you would. A powerplay or call for attention.
b) A test to see whether you are trustworthy. Apprently you wouldve failed that one here.
c) A simple dumb move from her part, because not mentioning it wouldve done the trick in the first place. And even before that as i wrote earlier not putting this "sensitive" (to her and her alone) out there in the first place.
My recommendation to you in any case is to not think about the problem too much. To not engulf yourself in this (mostly) selfpity and to think of what you can do better than you have in the past to improve the relationship. Dont talk about it. Do it.
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My girlfriend uses Tumblr, so I can kind of relate.
How can she just not mention it? If you're with her quite often, you see that she is looking at it, might make a post... Like there is no point to trying to hide it like that, that would raise suspicions more than anything.
Instead, if she goes up to you, and says, "Hey, you know, Tumblr is like a place I can go vent about my day, share some porn gifs I like, like some girly stuff, I'd like to keep it to myself, and would appreciate if you didn't go looking for it"... I don't see what would go make you want to go on a hunt for it. Just like, when you see her, and she's on Tumblr, ask to see what you posted, and jokingly bug her about it or something, you know?
Anyway, that doesn't matter now. Just apologize, say that you shouldn't have done it... That you should have respected her privacy, and you wont do it again. And that you'll focus on rebuilding the trust that she has lost. That's something along the lines of what my GF said to me, and it was good enough for me.
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Yeah you fucked up, but it's very telling that you recognize what you did (and appropriately feel like shit), and I think you and her will end up stronger as a result. There are far worse ways to betray a significant other's trust (e.g., cheating on them), and I think you and her will be just fine after you guys get over this I understand your mindset, although some other commenters apparently don't understand the difference between "The right/ freedom to look it up on the internet" and "Abiding by a special request that someone you care about asked of you". Obviously, you didn't do anything illegal, but this is a still a personal and moral issue because you also broke a commitment to someone you care about not to butt in on an outlet for personal thoughts, which can cause friction in your relationship.
It'll be okay though Just don't pull this shit again, in any other forms of snooping where you don't belong 
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she probably wouldn't have minded if you didn't tell her you done it
now you just look like a chump
doing silly sneaky things is pretty much human nature
but telling people about them is straight up stupid
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If you somehow logged onto her laptop, or got her tumblr through unscrupulous means, then that would be a breach of trust. However, since you deduced it through use of intellect, it's fair game.
If she leaves her personal secrets out in the open, and you get to read it, she has no logical reason to be upset or anything.
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On July 22 2015 21:23 Pangpootata wrote:
If you somehow logged onto her laptop, or got her tumblr through unscrupulous means, then that would be a breach of trust. However, since you deduced it through use of intellect, it's fair game.
If she leaves her personal secrets out in the open, and you get to read it, she has no logical reason to be upset or anything.
You clearly don't understand how a relationship- or a breach in trust- works.
It would be twice as bad if he hacked her computer to get on, but he didn't do nothing wrong by going back on an agreement he made with her not to breach her private thoughts- whether they're posted online or in a diary under her bed.
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On July 22 2015 16:10 FlaShFTW wrote:
I want to change. I hate being this curious about everything, prying my way into things I shouldn't be prying into.
No, dont change that. Being curious is very important and is the first step to get critical thinking. If no one was curious, we would be stuck in caves forever.
Some people may hate you because you discovered things they didn't want you to. They are wrong to behave like that.
So in your story, you were right to do what you did, she was wrong for what she did.
Go out, find people truely worthy getting your respect.
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On July 22 2015 19:18 FiWiFaKi wrote:Show nested quote +On July 22 2015 19:09 Cambium wrote:
If she had a physical journal then I would understand, this "everyone and anyone online but you" line of reasoning is weak You wouldn't care at all if your girlfriend just searched your username in the sidebar, and started reading every single post you've posted on TL? You know, all the politics debate, saying stupid shit like "I'm homo for lomo" or something when Hwaseung Oz was doing really well in SPL, and just like little details they you'd prefer people not knowing, even though you are not hiding them. It's a nice feeling believing you can share your unfiltered opinions about things without it having impacts on your life. Just like how in theory there should be nothing wrong with posting your email or address on the internet, but instead, we like to have so anonymity on the internet, so we don't have to face consequences for what we do here. Just like you'd prefer if your boss didn't through your TL posts. I'm actually socked how many people here support the OP in having done nothing wrong. Different values and beliefs I suppose.
All my past GFs read all of my posts on TL, including all the posts when I was younger and complained about them. Don't care.
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Why on earth post private things online? Oh well, we all make mistakes and it sounds like you apologized and sincerely regret it, then I think it will be alright down the line. We are all just human.
I have personally done things much worse than that to ex lovers, I also regret it, sincerely. All you can do is try to be a better person than you were yesterday. There are people out there who knows no such thing as regret, at least you are not one of them.
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Papua New Guinea1058 Posts
Privacy and a public tumblr profile? These two things really do not go together.
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the only thing you fucked up on was telling her you'd play that stupid game in the first place. as absolutely stupid as her request was it was big time dick of you to agree to it and then do it anyway.
that aside it's on a public place on the internet. don't have a public diary if you don't want people to read it. would you agree to a similar rule about old face book posts? No, because that would be insane. it's shit that is readily accessible to anyone on the internet. that rule should have been a giant red flag
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On July 22 2015 22:04 QuanticHawk wrote:
the only thing you fucked up on was telling her you'd play that stupid game in the first place. as absolutely stupid as her request was it was big time dick of you to agree to it and then do it anyway.
that aside it's on a public place on the internet. don't have a public diary if you don't want people to read it. would you agree to a similar rule about old face book posts? No, because that would be insane. it's shit that is readily accessible to anyone on the internet. that rule should have been a giant red flag
good points.
I think the issue here might have been more your insecurity or lack of trust about how she told you she felt about you...
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Even most secure person in the world is going to hear alarm bells going off when someone says 'you're not allowed to look at my public tumblr even though I interact with random internet weirdos all the time'
while I definitely get what you are saying, I think boiling it down to doing it because of insecurity really diminishes how weird her request was. if she wants a private safe space to vent to just her friends only a total weirdo would begrudge her for that, and there are plenty of ways to do that.
wanting a venting space that anyone can access but her SO is really really weird
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TLADT24920 Posts
hmm tough call. I mean, she asked that you don't look at it and you should've respected that. However, I think she should've also just mentioned that there isn't anything to be concerned about and its more just some private thoughts that she's sharing. Basically, anticipated that you'll become curious and might look around for it, so, they'll try to relieve you of any concerns (not like it sounds like it'll work lol). I dunno, I think this is one of those situations where it's hard to say just how much you breached her privacy considering its on the internet (but she made a request too which was the bigger problem imo).
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Baa?21242 Posts
I love this, this is such a classic TL girl blog - some totally absurd and trivial issue that still some how sparks irrational debate.
On July 22 2015 19:18 FiWiFaKi wrote:Show nested quote +On July 22 2015 19:09 Cambium wrote:
If she had a physical journal then I would understand, this "everyone and anyone online but you" line of reasoning is weak You wouldn't care at all if your girlfriend just searched your username in the sidebar, and started reading every single post you've posted on TL?
I'd be upset if she didn't actually.
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Japan11285 Posts
I love this, this is such a classic TL girl blog - some totally absurd and trivial issue that still some how sparks irrational debate.
Haha, love this.
I don't know if the right thing was to tell her or to shut your mouth.
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United States10091 Posts
On July 22 2015 20:23 DarkPlasmaBall wrote:Yeah you fucked up, but it's very telling that you recognize what you did (and appropriately feel like shit), and I think you and her will end up stronger as a result. There are far worse ways to betray a significant other's trust (e.g., cheating on them), and I think you and her will be just fine after you guys get over this I understand your mindset, although some other commenters apparently don't understand the difference between "The right/ freedom to look it up on the internet" and "Abiding by a special request that someone you care about asked of you". Obviously, you didn't do anything illegal, but this is a still a personal and moral issue because you also broke a commitment to someone you care about not to butt in on an outlet for personal thoughts, which can cause friction in your relationship. It'll be okay though Just don't pull this shit again, in any other forms of snooping where you don't belong
thank you for making the best response in this thread. it means a lot.
im at work and i feel like im going to crumble at any second right now. i feel so weak lol.
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I don't even know what tumbler is. Isn't that like, a batman's car? *shrug*
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It's a good sign that you feel bad about this since it shows you care, but keep it in perspective, it's a public site, you didn't wiretap her or something. If you were an actor on Days of Our Lives you wouldn't get very far telling your partner not to watch it. Normal people would just be delighted by it, like you were when you saw her blog, and wouldn't think of it as a big deal at all. But when you say not to do something, it creates the forbidden fruit thing.
What you should be trying to do is communicate something like this (which should also be the truth): that you didn't go to her blog for the purpose of judging her, that you never had a judgmental attitude with her, that you were curious about who she is, and that you also feel a little bit shut out because you want her to be comfortable being her true self with you. That you want to know her by tearing down all the onion layers between you. Your intention was just to know who she is, that should mean something, don't let her have any impression that you were trying to be a dick. Be honest, tell her you loved what you saw on it, tell her the thing about cute fingers typing. And better yet, show her this blog as an act of solidarity.
The thing is public or not, there's things that people get embarrassed about. Including hair or moles at weird parts of their body. But it's not ultimately realistic to tell your partner never to look at that mole. Especially a public blog, I mean come on, she would have known you'd eventually see it. Embarrassment is a symptom of intimacy. It shouldn't be hurtful. If you've ever been embarrassed and someone sincerely reassured you, the feeling is amazing. So maybe try that. You need to do something, at least, because not communicating is still miscommunicating.
You know that quote, something about on the internet, everyone knows your deepest secrets, but doesn't know your name, and in real life people know your name but nothing really about you, I think that applies here. You're a real person though, let her know not to be afraid of being open with you.
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On July 22 2015 22:27 QuanticHawk wrote:
Even most secure person in the world is going to hear alarm bells going off when someone says 'you're not allowed to look at my public tumblr even though I interact with random internet weirdos all the time'
while I definitely get what you are saying, I think boiling it down to doing it because of insecurity really diminishes how weird her request was. if she wants a private safe space to vent to just her friends only a total weirdo would begrudge her for that, and there are plenty of ways to do that.
wanting a venting space that anyone can access but her SO is really really weird
I disagree with multiple things you said. The first one is the use of SO. I find that expression so fucking absurd and retarded it makes me angry. Significant other. What the fuck, this bottle opener I have in front of me is significant and I have others. "SO". Fuck that. Fuck.
Sorry
Now forgive me QH I spend a lot less time on these girl blogs and dating boards than you seem to, but allow me to express my unpolished opinion. I can totally see why people would want to have this weird public thing that'd be also private from the people you know in real life, even your significant other. OP wrote about how she wrote him as "her prince" which is tacky as fuck and if I was a softy and had cared to write those fluffy stories about the cutesie things I and my gf did, I certainly wouldn't want people to see. It's kind of like how I enjoy this weird Kpop sometimes and I can tell you QH but I can't tell my skiing buddies, they wouldn't understand, and that's okay too. It's kind of like keeping a private journal that you don't want others to see, but you don't mind it if they're strangers.
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On July 23 2015 00:25 FlaShFTW wrote:Show nested quote +On July 22 2015 20:23 DarkPlasmaBall wrote:Yeah you fucked up, but it's very telling that you recognize what you did (and appropriately feel like shit), and I think you and her will end up stronger as a result. There are far worse ways to betray a significant other's trust (e.g., cheating on them), and I think you and her will be just fine after you guys get over this I understand your mindset, although some other commenters apparently don't understand the difference between "The right/ freedom to look it up on the internet" and "Abiding by a special request that someone you care about asked of you". Obviously, you didn't do anything illegal, but this is a still a personal and moral issue because you also broke a commitment to someone you care about not to butt in on an outlet for personal thoughts, which can cause friction in your relationship. It'll be okay though Just don't pull this shit again, in any other forms of snooping where you don't belong thank you for making the best response in this thread. it means a lot. im at work and i feel like im going to crumble at any second right now. i feel so weak lol.
Any time <3
She'll feel like you betrayed her trust (because you did), but you guys will definitely get through it. This isn't relationship-ending drama, but it's a solid "You'll feel like shit for a while and she'll need time to recover" situation. And that naturally happens in relationships. Once that's over, you guys will have kickass makeup sex
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No dude, you don't understand. We girls always say the opposite of what we want. She obviously wanted you to find the blog and was waiting for this day.
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United States10091 Posts
On July 23 2015 02:50 DarkPlasmaBall wrote:Show nested quote +On July 23 2015 00:25 FlaShFTW wrote:On July 22 2015 20:23 DarkPlasmaBall wrote:Yeah you fucked up, but it's very telling that you recognize what you did (and appropriately feel like shit), and I think you and her will end up stronger as a result. There are far worse ways to betray a significant other's trust (e.g., cheating on them), and I think you and her will be just fine after you guys get over this I understand your mindset, although some other commenters apparently don't understand the difference between "The right/ freedom to look it up on the internet" and "Abiding by a special request that someone you care about asked of you". Obviously, you didn't do anything illegal, but this is a still a personal and moral issue because you also broke a commitment to someone you care about not to butt in on an outlet for personal thoughts, which can cause friction in your relationship. It'll be okay though Just don't pull this shit again, in any other forms of snooping where you don't belong thank you for making the best response in this thread. it means a lot. im at work and i feel like im going to crumble at any second right now. i feel so weak lol. Any time <3 She'll feel like you betrayed her trust (because you did), but you guys will definitely get through it. This isn't relationship-ending drama, but it's a solid "You'll feel like shit for a while and she'll need time to recover" situation. And that naturally happens in relationships. Once that's over, you guys will have kickass makeup sex
This is exactly what's going on right now. She basically had a semi-withdraw from me and told me she did lose some trust in me. She was also getting ready to open up to me more and when I was going to see her next weekend (I'm in SF for internship and she's still in SD), she was going to tell me some things. Now that I did what I did, she says it will take her time to open up again.
And idk if the last part will happen haha. But again, seriously, thanks for the advice and words. Between TL and reddit, you've given me the best answers and words so far. I truly appreciate it. <3
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On July 23 2015 04:06 FlaShFTW wrote:Show nested quote +On July 23 2015 02:50 DarkPlasmaBall wrote:On July 23 2015 00:25 FlaShFTW wrote:On July 22 2015 20:23 DarkPlasmaBall wrote:Yeah you fucked up, but it's very telling that you recognize what you did (and appropriately feel like shit), and I think you and her will end up stronger as a result. There are far worse ways to betray a significant other's trust (e.g., cheating on them), and I think you and her will be just fine after you guys get over this I understand your mindset, although some other commenters apparently don't understand the difference between "The right/ freedom to look it up on the internet" and "Abiding by a special request that someone you care about asked of you". Obviously, you didn't do anything illegal, but this is a still a personal and moral issue because you also broke a commitment to someone you care about not to butt in on an outlet for personal thoughts, which can cause friction in your relationship. It'll be okay though Just don't pull this shit again, in any other forms of snooping where you don't belong thank you for making the best response in this thread. it means a lot. im at work and i feel like im going to crumble at any second right now. i feel so weak lol. Any time <3 She'll feel like you betrayed her trust (because you did), but you guys will definitely get through it. This isn't relationship-ending drama, but it's a solid "You'll feel like shit for a while and she'll need time to recover" situation. And that naturally happens in relationships. Once that's over, you guys will have kickass makeup sex This is exactly what's going on right now. She basically had a semi-withdraw from me and told me she did lose some trust in me. She was also getting ready to open up to me more and when I was going to see her next weekend (I'm in SF for internship and she's still in SD), she was going to tell me some things. Now that I did what I did, she says it will take her time to open up again. And idk if the last part will happen haha. But again, seriously, thanks for the advice and words. Between TL and reddit, you've given me the best answers and words so far. I truly appreciate it. <3
Glad I could help
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On July 23 2015 02:45 Djzapz wrote:Show nested quote +On July 22 2015 22:27 QuanticHawk wrote:
Even most secure person in the world is going to hear alarm bells going off when someone says 'you're not allowed to look at my public tumblr even though I interact with random internet weirdos all the time'
while I definitely get what you are saying, I think boiling it down to doing it because of insecurity really diminishes how weird her request was. if she wants a private safe space to vent to just her friends only a total weirdo would begrudge her for that, and there are plenty of ways to do that.
wanting a venting space that anyone can access but her SO is really really weird I disagree with multiple things you said. The first one is the use of SO. I find that expression so fucking absurd and retarded it makes me angry. Significant other. What the fuck, this bottle opener I have in front of me is significant and I have others. "SO". Fuck that. Fuck. Sorry Now forgive me QH I spend a lot less time on these girl blogs and dating boards than you seem to, but allow me to express my unpolished opinion. I can totally see why people would want to have this weird public thing that'd be also private from the people you know in real life, even your significant other. OP wrote about how she wrote him as "her prince" which is tacky as fuck and if I was a softy and had cared to write those fluffy stories about the cutesie things I and my gf did, I certainly wouldn't want people to see. It's kind of like how I enjoy this weird Kpop sometimes and I can tell you QH but I can't tell my skiing buddies, they wouldn't understand, and that's okay too. It's kind of like keeping a private journal that you don't want others to see, but you don't mind it if they're strangers.
hahaha, sorry it's a habit. I find it odd too but i have friends who prefer to use that term so it comes out naturally at times. no worries! Kpop is always shameful though.
but as far as us both being dorks who talk about and play video games with people from a random forum, yeah it's generally a private thing in the sense that I don't do it with any of my friends. But that's more of a function of my friends and gf not being interested in bw, the games I play, or the forums I post on. More than a few times I've played games with both grounds of people. If one of your skiing friends or gf loved broodwar, kpop, and hockey, he'd be here too, no?
I get the concept of wanting a space to vent or just write freely. I just don't get wanting a public diary that's open to everyone but your bf.
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On July 23 2015 06:20 QuanticHawk wrote:Show nested quote +On July 23 2015 02:45 Djzapz wrote:On July 22 2015 22:27 QuanticHawk wrote:
Even most secure person in the world is going to hear alarm bells going off when someone says 'you're not allowed to look at my public tumblr even though I interact with random internet weirdos all the time'
while I definitely get what you are saying, I think boiling it down to doing it because of insecurity really diminishes how weird her request was. if she wants a private safe space to vent to just her friends only a total weirdo would begrudge her for that, and there are plenty of ways to do that.
wanting a venting space that anyone can access but her SO is really really weird I disagree with multiple things you said. The first one is the use of SO. I find that expression so fucking absurd and retarded it makes me angry. Significant other. What the fuck, this bottle opener I have in front of me is significant and I have others. "SO". Fuck that. Fuck. Sorry Now forgive me QH I spend a lot less time on these girl blogs and dating boards than you seem to, but allow me to express my unpolished opinion. I can totally see why people would want to have this weird public thing that'd be also private from the people you know in real life, even your significant other. OP wrote about how she wrote him as "her prince" which is tacky as fuck and if I was a softy and had cared to write those fluffy stories about the cutesie things I and my gf did, I certainly wouldn't want people to see. It's kind of like how I enjoy this weird Kpop sometimes and I can tell you QH but I can't tell my skiing buddies, they wouldn't understand, and that's okay too. It's kind of like keeping a private journal that you don't want others to see, but you don't mind it if they're strangers. hahaha, sorry it's a habit. I find it odd too but i have friends who prefer to use that term so it comes out naturally at times. no worries! Kpop is always shameful though. but as far as us both being dorks who talk about and play video games with people from a random forum, yeah it's generally a private thing in the sense that I don't do it with any of my friends. But that's more of a function of my friends and gf not being interested in bw, the games I play, or the forums I post on. More than a few times I've played games with both grounds of people. If one of your skiing friends or gf loved broodwar, kpop, and hockey, he'd be here too, no? I get the concept of wanting a space to vent or just write freely. I just don't get wanting a public diary that's open to everyone but your bf.
It's weird but not necessarily a red flag. Like you know I like embarrassing stuff but I don't mind because you don't know who I am. I've also blogged stuff that hopefully my friends who know of this username won't read because some of my blogs are bad. But yeah I get it.
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true, that's a fair enough criticism. I can agree with weird but not a necessarily a red flag.
at any rate op i think it's fair to say you both should have a talk about why she wants to hide it so bad, and why you're so curious to see it.
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TLADT24920 Posts
On July 23 2015 08:19 QuanticHawk wrote:
true, that's a fair enough criticism. I can agree with weird but not a necessarily a red flag.
at any rate op i think it's fair to say you both should have a talk about why she wants to hide it so bad, and why you're so curious to see it.
I think he's curious to see it because she told him not to see it lol. As for why she wants to hide it, maybe she feels embarrassed that she calls him prince or thinks that her relationship will change if he checked it. Alternative is that she wants her thoughts to stay "private" online.
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United States10091 Posts
She primarily told me she wanted to hide it was because she wanted some personal place to express herself and her feelings. Yes, you all have said, "but it's on the internet blah blah." I understand why you all think she's in the wrong but regardless of what media she puts it on, it's my responsibility to accept what she wants and not go looking through her stuff that she tells me not to.
Additionally, no one she knows actually knows about her tumblr. They probably know she has one, but they most likely have been able to restrain themselves or just don't care. I, on the other hand, am overly curious which led me to have thoughts go into my head and try to find it.
Anyways, thanks for all the replies, regardless if you dislike my girlfriend or don't understand her reasoning. But at the end of the day, I should have listened to her and not done what I did. Thanks again.
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Dude... She has an ONLINE, PUBLIC PAGE and you are angry with yourself because you looked at it?
If she wants secrets she can keep a diary. Wtf is this I don't even...
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Bearded Elder29903 Posts
On July 23 2015 04:06 FlaShFTW wrote:Show nested quote +On July 23 2015 02:50 DarkPlasmaBall wrote:On July 23 2015 00:25 FlaShFTW wrote:On July 22 2015 20:23 DarkPlasmaBall wrote:Yeah you fucked up, but it's very telling that you recognize what you did (and appropriately feel like shit), and I think you and her will end up stronger as a result. There are far worse ways to betray a significant other's trust (e.g., cheating on them), and I think you and her will be just fine after you guys get over this I understand your mindset, although some other commenters apparently don't understand the difference between "The right/ freedom to look it up on the internet" and "Abiding by a special request that someone you care about asked of you". Obviously, you didn't do anything illegal, but this is a still a personal and moral issue because you also broke a commitment to someone you care about not to butt in on an outlet for personal thoughts, which can cause friction in your relationship. It'll be okay though Just don't pull this shit again, in any other forms of snooping where you don't belong thank you for making the best response in this thread. it means a lot. im at work and i feel like im going to crumble at any second right now. i feel so weak lol. Any time <3 She'll feel like you betrayed her trust (because you did), but you guys will definitely get through it. This isn't relationship-ending drama, but it's a solid "You'll feel like shit for a while and she'll need time to recover" situation. And that naturally happens in relationships. Once that's over, you guys will have kickass makeup sex This is exactly what's going on right now. She basically had a semi-withdraw from me and told me she did lose some trust in me. She was also getting ready to open up to me more and when I was going to see her next weekend (I'm in SF for internship and she's still in SD), she was going to tell me some things. Now that I did what I did, she says it will take her time to open up again. And idk if the last part will happen haha. But again, seriously, thanks for the advice and words. Between TL and reddit, you've given me the best answers and words so far. I truly appreciate it. <3
I never believed in the 'I need time to open up' bullshit that girls kept saying to her partner. What I mean is that if a girl is really into you, she will open up from the very beggining and will 'close' a bit once she loses a bit trust to her partner since trust needs to rebuilt BUT I never ever believed in 'I need time to open up'. You either open up at the beggining of relationship or you never do it in 100%. But that's just my own opinion based on experience and observation.
Also I had a little storm between me and my wife as she always knew I'm a part of TL community and that I post often here and she wasn't really into it until one day, she just started reading my past posts and there were few of them that she didn't liked at all. All ended up good and I have no reason to hide anything from her if it comes to TL or other community sites liek facebook or twitter or mails or w/e.
Edit : And all in all, I was glad she actually read that. It means she still cares.
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On July 22 2015 18:29 FiWiFaKi wrote:Show nested quote +On July 22 2015 18:12 WonnaPlay wrote:
Human curiosity is something, which you shouldn't be blamed for.
The thing with posting stuff on the internet is, that anyone can find it. If people know some of your traits/nicknames, it is easily accessible.
If she really wants to keep things a secret, she would write in a diary. She's using tumblr to express her emotions and maybe chat with similar girls/problems. I'd understand that she'd prefer you not to find it, but it's not something she can demand. It would be a whole different story if you'd snoop between her things/mobile/diary and found out that way.
You merely found her online due to her nicknames and that should be viewed as "interested in" instead of "invading privacy". If this is invading privacy, we're going to have huge problems in the future.. She can certainly demand it. She can't legally enforce it, but she can demand it. Just like my girlfriend can't force me from cheating if I really want to... The only difference between this and a private diary is that the diary is meant to be shown to nobody, while the tumblr posts are meant to be shown to a select group of people that she chose you to not be a part of (which is fair, nothing to be jealous of). It's very similar to snooping through someones diary imo. Like if she specifically asks "don't do this", why would you? Yes, curiosity is a good trait for the human race to have, but being curious can be bad, just like in this situation.
I think we need to know the ages.
If this scenario was when I was 18, I'd be on your side.
To me, my gf is someone who knows my thoughts and we share basically everything. She doesn't have to agree with me, but neither do I have to agree with her. If she wants to look at my posts on my fora, then she should.
Respecting privacy is still key, I wouldn't want to check through her personal stuff for things, but if I just happen to find something and see something I would tell her.
She can demand to not view her tumblr, but by saying that she only made it more interesting to the OP. It's been said before, but if the OP was going through her personal stuff and found the blog this way, I consider it unethical. If he found it the way he did through intelligence, then it means that his GF wasn't so scared of hiding herself. I mean if I google my own freaking name, I'll end up on so many gaming / nerd stuff. It's not even funny... I chose to not make a private life on the internet, if I chose a private life on the internet, I would keep them 100% apart.
Tumblr is a public site without a login needed. Public is Public, Private is Private. If you're going down the road of : "don't go on Tumblr,because it's possible that you find my private stuff there", then you might aswell put Freedom of Speech on the banning table, since that is an escalation of this instance.
On July 22 2015 19:18 FiWiFaKi wrote:Show nested quote +On July 22 2015 19:09 Cambium wrote:
If she had a physical journal then I would understand, this "everyone and anyone online but you" line of reasoning is weak You wouldn't care at all if your girlfriend just searched your username in the sidebar, and started reading every single post you've posted on TL?
No, I think that in a strong relationship you just know/accept this from eachother. Who hasn't said stupid stuff during their life or done idiotic things?
edit :
On July 23 2015 09:07 FlaShFTW wrote:
She primarily told me she wanted to hide it was because she wanted some personal place to express herself and her feelings. Yes, you all have said, "but it's on the internet blah blah." I understand why you all think she's in the wrong but regardless of what media she puts it on, it's my responsibility to accept what she wants and not go looking through her stuff that she tells me not to.
Additionally, no one she knows actually knows about her tumblr. They probably know she has one, but they most likely have been able to restrain themselves or just don't care. I, on the other hand, am overly curious which led me to have thoughts go into my head and try to find it.
Anyways, thanks for all the replies, regardless if you dislike my girlfriend or don't understand her reasoning. But at the end of the day, I should have listened to her and not done what I did. Thanks again.
I think it's a very respectable choice. In the end, it's all about context.
How did she say it; How is your relationship; what age are you guys; in what way do you communicate.
I don't think there's a right or wrong here, just interpretation of a scenario.
As you said, you think you were in the wrong in your scenario. Which I think is good. Admittance of fault can be a very hard thing to do and your GF should be able to understand where you're coming from.
However, since your situation is so specific, every relationship would handle this in a different way, which results in all these spread out opinions. It's one of those situational ethical dilemma's.
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Bearded Elder29903 Posts
On July 23 2015 20:26 WonnaPlay wrote:Show nested quote +On July 22 2015 18:29 FiWiFaKi wrote:On July 22 2015 18:12 WonnaPlay wrote:
Human curiosity is something, which you shouldn't be blamed for.
The thing with posting stuff on the internet is, that anyone can find it. If people know some of your traits/nicknames, it is easily accessible.
If she really wants to keep things a secret, she would write in a diary. She's using tumblr to express her emotions and maybe chat with similar girls/problems. I'd understand that she'd prefer you not to find it, but it's not something she can demand. It would be a whole different story if you'd snoop between her things/mobile/diary and found out that way.
You merely found her online due to her nicknames and that should be viewed as "interested in" instead of "invading privacy". If this is invading privacy, we're going to have huge problems in the future.. She can certainly demand it. She can't legally enforce it, but she can demand it. Just like my girlfriend can't force me from cheating if I really want to... The only difference between this and a private diary is that the diary is meant to be shown to nobody, while the tumblr posts are meant to be shown to a select group of people that she chose you to not be a part of (which is fair, nothing to be jealous of). It's very similar to snooping through someones diary imo. Like if she specifically asks "don't do this", why would you? Yes, curiosity is a good trait for the human race to have, but being curious can be bad, just like in this situation. I think we need to know the ages. If this scenario was when I was 18, I'd be on your side. To me, my gf is someone who knows my thoughts and we share basically everything. She doesn't have to agree with me, but neither do I have to agree with her. If she wants to look at my posts on my fora, then she should. Respecting privacy is still key, I wouldn't want to check through her personal stuff for things, but if I just happen to find something and see something I would tell her. She can demand to not view her tumblr, but by saying that she only made it more interesting to the OP. It's been said before, but if the OP was going through her personal stuff and found the blog this way, I consider it unethical. If he found it the way he did through intelligence, then it means that his GF wasn't so scared of hiding herself. I mean if I google my own freaking name, I'll end up on so many gaming / nerd stuff. It's not even funny... I chose to not make a private life on the internet, if I chose a private life on the internet, I would keep them 100% apart. Tumblr is a public site without a login needed. Public is Public, Private is Private. If you're going down the road of : "don't go on Tumblr,because it's possible that you find my private stuff there", then you might aswell put Freedom of Speech on the banning table, since that is an escalation of this instance. Show nested quote +On July 22 2015 19:18 FiWiFaKi wrote:On July 22 2015 19:09 Cambium wrote:
If she had a physical journal then I would understand, this "everyone and anyone online but you" line of reasoning is weak You wouldn't care at all if your girlfriend just searched your username in the sidebar, and started reading every single post you've posted on TL? No, I think that in a strong relationship you just know/accept this from eachother. Who hasn't said stupid stuff during their life or done idiotic things?
I totally agree.
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I'm 21 and I've been in my relationship for 30~ months, so I might be younger than many of the ones posting here... And I agree it's a bit on the borderline edge, and that it can go both ways, but in general, I still stand by my original position.
If someone specifically asks you to keep out of somewhere, because they just want some personal privacy from their real world stuff, I think it's a reasonable request. I might occasionally rage when I play SC2, and I don't say anything that my girlfriend would get pissed over, but I'd just personally rather have her not see that. My girlfriend works as a bartender while going to school, in the same way, I have a good idea of what she does, but she probably wouldn't want me to be sitting at the bar while working... You know, she might feel a bit less comfortable doing those flirty things for tips, etc. Maybe I'm not explaining myself well, but what I've said is how I look at the situation.
At the end of the day, I don't think it's that big of a deal... If my girlfriend went on TL and started reading my posts, I'd be like bleh why, or contacting my little brother to see where I am. It's just the things I'd prefer she not go snooping, even though I have nothing to hide. The fact that she specifically asked him not to do that is what makes it a bigger deal, versus the "doesn't matter much, though I'm sure she'd prefer I not do that".
edit: Imo, what the OP did is still kind of snooping... He didn't just stumble on it, he went a bit Sherlock Holmes to find it, and thus, like looking through a diary, I think it's unethical. If it's opened on your computer after she left, then I'd still close it, but I'd consider that the grey zone.
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Bearded Elder29903 Posts
Maybe you're right. I can't respond to this, since I'm a bit older, I have a wife and a son now and we've been living together for over 4 years. We share with basically anything, there is no place for 'private' things but that's probably because neither me nor my wife ever asked for me or wanted to keep any kind of secrets away from me.
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Yes, I've read your blog, congratulation on the marriage.
It definitely changes with time, especially once you start sharing finances, having children, definitely less room for secrets... I've noticed that with us too, telling each other almost everything about what we did, when before we'd be a bit more vague on the details of hanging out with others and such.
Might also be a cultural thing, I was originally born in Slovakia, living in Canada, and it's certainly a more individualistic culture here. We can both be right ^__^.
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I can totally relate to your standpoints. I just don't agree with all of them
I think this is indeed a cultural/age/ethical thing, where neither party is right or wrong.
When I think from your reasoning, it makes sense. When I relate it to my own life, it doesn't make sense.
The incident happened, you either get over it with each other or not. If you truly love one another, this shouldn't be a deal breaker.
I think this saying is spot on concerning this topic, since I think your logic is solid aswell (thus it removes the discussion potential) ;
Agree to Disagree.
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United States10091 Posts
My gf knows I use TL. At least, I've shown her the website, and hell I've even shown her my username. I wouldn't care if she read my posts, though my earlier blogs when I was... less mature and different from where I am today is something I would consider telling her not to look at, simply because it does not reflect upon who I am today. But the works I've done, the current commentary and gameplay analysis stuff I'm doing, that's all fair game. Hell she'll watch me stream sometimes even though she has no clue what's going on.
I can't repeat exactly what she said, my memory is getting fuzzy and it's something I'd rather try to forget. But she said basically, "It's a place for me to share my feelings and personal thoughts where I feel safe from anything." In fact, when I got visibly upset that she told me she wanted this to be a secret for only her, she told me sorry, it's just something she wants to herself but I could have anything else I wanted to know. We're both 18, her being only 1 month older than I am. Our relationship is pretty good, we're generally very happy with each other and we talk every night and text every moment we get.
I can see where you all come from. I still agree most with FiWi because, in the end, I did go Sherloc on it. It's not like I just typed in her name on tumblr and immediately found her (I tried doing that immediately after she told me she had one but before she said to not look for it). I had a plan, I followed through, I had hoped to not find it but I did. Yes, I am a detective when it comes to finding information and it's a bit scary to even myself how committed I can be to find something. It's weird though, she said if she just left a physical copy on her desk in an actual diary, I feel like I wouldn't even go for it. Because it's on the internet and I can actively try to find it and look for it, that might be another reason why I tried to find it.
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I think you just need some time to calm down. When you are 18 every bit of relationship drama seems like the end of the world. What happened was obviously not great and she has the right to be upset. It sounds like she didn't really get THAT bothered by it though, so just be grateful that she's cool about it and don't do it again.
I don't agree with people who say that "because it's online and public you are entitled to it". People have pseudonyms and throwaway accounts for a reason. If she says you can't look at it, then it's off limits. The OP definitely deliberately looked into it, knowing it's off limits. That's no excuse.
But seriously, relax. There are much worse things you can do than this. She doesn't even really care. It's just your own ego that got simultaneously inflated by the "prince comments" and crushed by your own conscience. Get over yourself.
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On July 22 2015 23:48 Carnivorous Sheep wrote:
I love this, this is such a classic TL girl blog - some totally absurd and trivial issue that still some how sparks irrational debate.
This is actually vintage TL girl blog material. Couldn't have phrased it better myself lmao
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I find you very sweet with your better half. (no troll/flame/paternization, honest)
Hope all is well in "the end".
She knows you sherlock, she told you where to look. Power play is a mean expression, I call it life. Every breath every thought is a power play.
That you felt shame absolves you of the basic sin, but what about the rest?
Next stop? I would humbly say you could try to balance the scale by doing something else (something that would revert in her mind what "you did to her" into what it was for you: interest in her "derived/inceptionned" from the way you are!)!
This might be about that sherlockitude you were mentioning? Is that not who you are, who she texts to daily?
No no.. sherlock must thrive, let him. Now .. that watson.. telling everyone about sherlock.., that I'm not too sure about.. maybe you should do something about him..?
(in this analogy: sherlock represents what you are what you could be, watson what you seem to be and the worst others think of you, etc).
Telling her is a coward move, not telling her would have been worse, a gambling move...
There are times when there is just the lesser of two evils and you save your soul first .. if anything else can survive then it is great but your soul must survive otherwise there s nothing.
As for her "opening up"? Do.. or do not. There is no trying!
Teenager couples are hard, good luck have faith!
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EPT
