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East Gorteau22261 Posts
That story I blogged about last week (?) quickly mutated into horror/sci-fi rather than the political/military sci-fi I had in mind. Nonetheless, the input I received from a lot of people about the Ukraine/Russia situation (all the way back to the Cold War) was immensely helpful.
Anyway, here's an excerpt from a short horror story I'm writing on the side (I know, lots of balls to juggle...). It takes place in the mind of a man suffering from brief reactive psychosis following severe trauma. It might read a little weirdly without the full context, but I'd rather not paste the whole story before I'm done with it. Criticism is welcome, though I might say that commenting on what is actually happening in this scene in and of itself is an exercise in futility because it's written with the explicit purpose of not making much sense on its own.
He stands alone in a hallway. The hallway is not empty, but no one else is alive. He does not know when he arrived or what has happened. The hallway is dark and smelling of blood and fuel discharge. He looks down, finding that the floor is littered with body parts. Arms and legs lay in crude patterns, bloody teeth scattered amongst them.
He looks at his hands. They are covered in blood, and some of it his own. He does not know how much. He does not feel any pain, but knows that the pain might still come later. His legs are weak, but he takes a few steps forward. Stops. Waits. There is someone else nearby, but he does not know where.
He looks down and sees that there is a weapon in his hand. A thin trail of black smoke runs from the barrel, and it is hot. He has fired it, perhaps many times, but he does not remember doing so. He feels a vague ringing in his ears, a recollection of violence. He does not remember coming here, nor does he know what he is doing here. He remembers violence, but does not remember the details. He takes another step into the darkness, feels the other one’s presence. Looks, listens, searches...
Time has passed, but is difficult to discern how much. There are no longer bodies on the floor, but the blood seems to follow him. The walls have been painted a deep crimson by dying men whose screams seem to echo through the hallway. He closes his eyes, knowing that some of the screams come from his own lungs. He tries to stop, but finds that he cannot.
More time has passed, and he is at the end of the hallway. He stands by a glass window overlooking the city. The suns are setting and the dying light dances across his body. It is covered in red, in blood, and he does not know whose the blood is. He feels the presence of someone else nearby but does not know where he is. He looks around, but there is no one but him.
Exhausted, he sits down by the window. On the street, two boys are pointing at him. He cannot hear them through the window, but they look concerned, afraid. For a moment he wonders why, before he realizes that he does not care. He, too, is afraid, but there is nothing that can be done about it. The fear is natural,
There is blood on the window and someone else is nearby. He thinks that perhaps the blood belongs to someone else, someone alive. A thick cloud of death hovers over the place and he wonders if he should care. He does not, but feels that it is wrong. That he is wrong, though he cannot say why.
A man appears in the arched doorway. He is tall and handsome, blond hair contrasting against dark brown skin. There is a tattoo beneath his right eye, two diagonal lines crossing a circle. He knows the symbol, feels that it is evil. The man wears metal, an armor that seems as much a part of him as the body itself. There is blood on the man's hands, but the man's armor is clean and glistens in the faint light. He wonders if the man has come to kill him, but finds that he does not care.
He looks at his hand, now pointing the weapon at the man. He squeezes the trigger and the muffled click tells him that the weapon is unusable. He feels tired, so he puts the weapon away. The heat discharge has burned his palm, leaving a bright red mark. He knows that there will be pain, later, but the thought is distant. He does not care.
The man edges closer, watching him through a glass visor. Bright lights flash across the glass, telling the man things the man should not know. He wants to hide from the man, so he looks away. Hopes that the man will leave him alone.
There is blood on the walls. Oh god, why is there always blood on the walls?
  
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United States15275 Posts
Oi. Lemme get back to this.
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East Gorteau22261 Posts
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United States15275 Posts
It will be more painful than what the main character went through.
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East Gorteau22261 Posts
The worst part is that I know you can and will probably pick this apart
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I'm having a slow day at work, so I'd love to offer some criticism (hopefully constructive).
You have two characters in the scene. One is referred to as 'he', while the other is only known as 'the man'. This leaves you in the awkward position of not having access to the pronoun 'he' when referring back to the man. Hence: "...telling the man things the man should not know." The more natural way to phrase this is "...telling the man things he should not know", but that becomes too confusing when your POV character is simply 'he'. You could always write the 'he' part from a first person perspective as you seem to communicating his subjective experience anyways. That isn't necessary, but might be worth considering. It will be difficult to keep using 'he' when its not referring back a name or anything. 'I' is more convenient, if nothing else.
Regarding 'the man', some specificity might be welcome. Even without a name he could be, 'the tall man', 'the blond man', 'the armored man', 'the stranger' or something else entirely. The other character isn't the man, anyways. He's a man. Your main character is also presumably a man in the room.
If we're inside the main character's head, the subjective nature of his reality is implied. You don't need to tell the reader what things 'seem' like. For instance, " the blood seems to follow him" and "dying men whose screams seem to echo" could just be "the blood follows him" and "dying men whose screams echo". I think it's more impactful that way.
"Hopes that he leaves him alone" should probably be combined with the preceding sentence: "He wants to hide from the man, so he looks away, hoping that the man will leave him alone"
Well, that's all I've got. Good luck.
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United States15275 Posts
I'm assume that the story was originally written in English.
Writing horror, like filming horror, is largely about technical understanding of the medium. Establishing the hook, parsing out details of the environment, establishing character and tone in as few words as possible, blah blah blah...all of them are crucial for establishing things like information asymmetry and tonal shift. Command of precise language and plot structure are especially important since horror is one of the few genres that doesn't provide wiggle room for emotional interpretation. It doesn't matter if you have mind-blowing synthesthetic phrasing or vivid character buildup: if it causes the reader to laugh, you've fucked up. So +1 for keeping the writing simple.
He stands alone in a hallway. The hallway is not empty, but no one else is alive. He does not know when he arrived or what has happened. The hallway is dark and smelling of blood and fuel discharge. He looks down, finding that the floor is littered with body parts. Arms and legs lay in crude patterns, bloody teeth scattered amongst them.
Right away there's confusion over which perspective the story is written in. You're writing from a third-person perspective that focuses on an individual's experience, but you keep mentioning information that the protagonist has no sensible access to. He might see arms and legs, but he can't conclude that everyone else is dead unless it's hinted to be an unconscious deduction. He smells fuel discharge...but what is the purpose of this particular detail? That is a very distinct odor, yet it's never used to expand the protagonist's characterization or hint at the location's identity.
Small note: I'd rewrite "The hallway is dark and smelling of blood and fuel discharge" to "The hallway is [more specific phrase for describing its darkness]. The smell of blood and fuel discharge [more elaborate predicate]. This forces the reader to process each sentence independently, unconsciously triggering separate connotations that build to a stronger atmosphere.
He looks at his hands. They are covered in blood, and some of it his own. He does not know how much. He does not feel any pain, but knows that the pain might still come later. His legs are weak, but he takes a few steps forward. Stops. Waits. There is someone else nearby, but he does not know where.
He looks down and sees that there is a weapon in his hand. A thin trail of black smoke runs from the barrel, and it is hot. He has fired it, perhaps many times, but he does not remember doing so. He feels a vague ringing in his ears, a recollection of violence. He does not remember coming here, nor does he know what he is doing here. He remembers violence, but does not remember the details. He takes another step into the darkness, feels the other one’s presence. Looks, listens, searches...
Same issue as before. If the protagonist is so mentally disoriented that he can't remember how he arrived or how much time he's been there, he can't be trusted to make a judgment concerning his blood or the gun. From a third-person perspective, this doesn't help to convey uncertainty and anticipation. It's just annoying.
His legs are weak in what way? Do they not respond to his will? Do they hurt too much? Are they cramped from lack of use? Vagueness is your enemy here. The same applies to his memory of violence. Give us images, emotions, something that builds dread for what's coming.
Time has passed, but is difficult to discern how much. There are no longer bodies on the floor, but the blood seems to follow him. The walls have been painted a deep crimson by dying men whose screams seem to echo through the hallway. He closes his eyes, knowing that some of the screams come from his own lungs. He tries to stop, but finds that he cannot.
More time has passed, and he is at the end of the hallway. He stands by a glass window overlooking the city. The suns are setting and the dying light dances across his body. It is covered in red, in blood, and he does not know whose the blood is. He feels the presence of someone else nearby but does not know where he is. He looks around, but there is no one but him.
There's no need to tell us that time has passed. We as readers can infer it by the background changes.
Same things as before.
Exhausted, he sits down by the window. On the street, two boys are pointing at him. He cannot hear them through the window, but they look concerned, afraid. For a moment he wonders why, before he realizes that he does not care. He, too, is afraid, but there is nothing that can be done about it. The fear is natural.
There is blood on the window and someone else is nearby. He thinks that perhaps the blood belongs to someone else, someone alive. A thick cloud of death hovers over the place and he wonders if he should care. He does not, but feels that it is wrong. That he is wrong, though he cannot say why.
Same things as before.
A man appears in the arched doorway. He is tall and handsome, blond hair contrasting against dark brown skin. There is a tattoo beneath his right eye, two diagonal lines crossing a circle. He knows the symbol, feels that it is evil. The man wears metal, an armor that seems as much a part of him as the body itself. There is blood on the man's hands, but the man's armor is clean and glistens in the faint light. He wonders if the man has come to kill him, but finds that he does not care.
He looks at his hand, now pointing the weapon at the man. He squeezes the trigger and the muffled click tells him that the weapon is unusable. He feels tired, so he puts the weapon away. The heat discharge has burned his palm, leaving a bright red mark. He knows that there will be pain, later, but the thought is distant. He does not care.
The man edges closer, watching him through a glass visor. Bright lights flash across the glass, telling the man things the man should not know. He wants to hide from the man, so he looks away. Hopes that the man will leave him alone.
There is blood on the walls. Oh god, why is there always blood on the walls?
Same things as before.
You can substitute "gun" for "weapon" with better results. Also, there's no need to repeat that a detail translates into something important for the plot. "He squeezes the trigger. A muffled click is the only response." would say the same thing but have actual exformative use.
The main thing you're lacking is precise vocabulary. You can't establish tone without using the right words to induce the right connotations and reactions. This doesn't mean you need to have a thesaurus next to you at all times. There are great horror stories that aren't rife with snobby synonyms ("The Summer People" by Shirley Jackson is a great example). Maintaining perspective and what knowledge can be gleaned from it is another issue. Horror stories usually play with it all the time. There's "The Waxwork" by A.M. Burrage, Gertrude Atherton's "The Foghorn", and plenty of other examples you can look up. You want to have a clear grasp on why you've chosen a certain perspective and how you want it to help build towards the release. The way the excerpt currently works, there is no compression (i.e. no buildup of tension towards a release) in the story
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too much topos x____x everywhere
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East Gorteau22261 Posts
On September 25 2014 15:54 Boonbag wrote:
too much topos x____x everywhere
I read your post before you edited it and I'm not sure I understand what you mean. Could you point out the things that you didn't like?
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sentences are flat expression is dull with just many mistakes you should write more
as the other poster stated before prose feels incoherent because of the narrative schizophrenia
wich is btw the only thing i find interesting in your text lol cuz it sounds weird
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I will not go and critisize anything, because I have no clue about things like this.
However I got the same kind of feeling as when I played that zombie game for the first time alone in the dark....
What was it.. ?
Ah Silent Hill 2. That game spooked the creeps out of me, and your story reminded me of it 
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On September 26 2014 06:11 WonnaPlay wrote:I will not go and critisize anything, because I have no clue about things like this. However I got the same kind of feeling as when I played that zombie game for the first time alone in the dark.... What was it.. ? Ah Silent Hill 2. That game spooked the creeps out of me, and your story reminded me of it
Don't call Silent Hill 2 "a zombie game" plz. It is scary as fuck though.
I liked it, but what it lacks (100% understandably so since it's just an excerpt) is plot. Because for me, no matter how frail or vague (as vagueness can be planned and wanted) there needs to be something to tie the sequence of events/happenings/experiences together. As like in the above mentioned SH2 without plot development it would lose 80% of itself, it would be just scares without any purpose.
Would love too see your short story in some sort of bigger setting plot-wise. It could work very well as an in-medias-res beginning.
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On September 25 2014 20:53 Boonbag wrote:
sentences are flat expression is dull with just many mistakes you should write more
as the other poster stated before prose feels incoherent because of the narrative schizophrenia
wich is btw the only thing i find interesting in your text lol cuz it sounds weird
Is it really schizophrenic?
The protagonist does not care about what is happening, and consequently, neither do I. There are problems with perspective and theme, but what troubles me here is that there is no psychological unity to this character. Everything said about how he feels or does not feel is fake, because the narrative of his impressions is just an eclectic scramble of moods that doesn't make sense sequentially.
Writing is difficult because it requires us to expose the limits of our insights, and the nervous dilettante is more eager to conceal than reveal.
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I have to admit, I didn't find the text very good. It was blandly descriptive, yet not really striking (which is imho needed when you go for a simple/concise style).
Not really a fan of the present tense. Would have been better if something was actually happening I guess. The rest I'm not really enough of an expert to comment on, I'm just giving you my humble impressions as a reader.
Edit: Removed the part about the character, which is more content than form, and I get that we don't really have the right to judge your story from a mere page of text.
A man appears in the arched doorway. He is tall and handsome, blond hair contrasting against dark brown skin. There is a tattoo beneath his right eye, two diagonal lines crossing a circle. He knows the symbol, feels that it is evil.
The last "he" is too ambiguous for it to feel comfortable to read I feel. It doesn't help that you write your character at the 3rd person with an internal point of view and then introduces another 3rd person male character to go with him, and the most specific you address them with is "he" or "the man".
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On September 27 2014 17:26 MoltkeWarding wrote:Show nested quote +On September 25 2014 20:53 Boonbag wrote:
sentences are flat expression is dull with just many mistakes you should write more
as the other poster stated before prose feels incoherent because of the narrative schizophrenia
wich is btw the only thing i find interesting in your text lol cuz it sounds weird Is it really schizophrenic? The protagonist does not care about what is happening, and consequently, neither do I. There are problems with perspective and theme, but what troubles me here is that there is no psychological unity to this character. Everything said about how he feels or does not feel is fake, because the narrative of his impressions is just an eclectic scramble of moods that doesn't make sense sequentially. Writing is difficult because it requires us to expose the limits of our insights, and the nervous dilettante is more eager to conceal than reveal.
not scizo more like undecisive perspective makes the sentences sound weird and i found it amusing
but it's pretty boring to readn evertheless t_t
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I don't think the repetition of blood had the effect you wanted it to. To elaborate, by the end of it i felt like i was in a sitcom pausing the show to turn and talk to the cameras with some witty remark "Let me guess, there was blood!"
While i think you were trying to instill fear, it was almost comical because everything you described had blood in its description.
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You are a brave soul to put your work up on the internet. Because you decided to bare your talent to us, I will in turn provide my insight and criticism.
Your descriptions are difficult to read. For example, in your first paragraph,
He stands alone in a hallway. The hallway is not empty, but no one else is alive. He does not know when he arrived or what has happened. The hallway is dark and smelling of blood and fuel discharge. He looks down, finding that the floor is littered with body parts. Arms and legs lay in crude patterns, bloody teeth scattered amongst them.
You're describing three things about the hallway (dark, blood smell, fuel smell), but in essence its only two things (dark, smell). You can re-write it to "The smell of blood and fuel discharge lingered in the dark hallway." This sentence is easier to read, and conveys the situation a bit better. I would remove discharge, unless that is a key word in the plot.
Also this entire paragraph is six sentences. I would probably condense it into four. Here is my version of your first paragraph.
Standing alone in a dark hallway, he looks around to find he is the only one alive. The smell of blood and fuel assaults his nostrils. He looks down and sees the floor is littered with corpses, severed limbs, and broken teeth swimming in pools of blood. A look of confusion on his face, he can't remember what happened or how he got here.
Writing is tough. I even hate writing on the TL forums because I constantly re-write my comments before I ever post it. Even after I post it, I re-read it to see if I can make any changes. In fact, I have changed my version three times already. The only times I don't care is when I am talking about a tournament or match playing at the moment. I am probably too excited and hyped about the game.
One thing I always keep in mind when I write is "Can I make it shorter, but with the same description". Try to remove unnecessary words, or combine some sentences.
Thank you for sharing. Keep at it, and don't stop posting your stuff on TL.net. It might encourage me to do the same
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I have to make another comment that is really bothering me. It pertains to these two paragraphs.
He looks at his hands. They are covered in blood, and some of it his own. He does not know how much. He does not feel any pain, but knows that the pain might still come later. His legs are weak, but he takes a few steps forward. Stops. Waits. There is someone else nearby, but he does not know where.
He looks down and sees that there is a weapon in his hand. A thin trail of black smoke runs from the barrel, and it is hot. He has fired it, perhaps many times, but he does not remember doing so. He feels a vague ringing in his ears, a recollection of violence. He does not remember coming here, nor does he know what he is doing here. He remembers violence, but does not remember the details. He takes another step into the darkness, feels the other one’s presence. Looks, listens, searches...
In the first paragraph, he looks at his hands, but you don't mention the weapon in his hands. In the second paragraph, he looks at his hands again and there is a weapon. It makes the reader feel like it magically appeared, because when he looked at his hands the first time, you would assume he would see the weapon. Unless you want the readers to think that he didn't notice the weapon the first time.
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@CosmicSpiral,
I read your entire reply, and you have given me insight towards writing that I never thought of before.
Thank you very much!
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I thought this was about soO lol
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EPT
