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DarkPlasmaBall
United States43720 Posts
 Being lied to and cheated on is awful x.x There's really no way to ever trust her again, so I agree with everyone else who's saying that you'll eventually need to move on from her, and remove her from your life. The worst thing you can do is get back together with her, and I'd say the most important piece of advice I could give you is to tell you that not every girl is as selfish as she was. She didn't respect you; you'll eventually find someone who will  | ||
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DarkNetHunter
1224 Posts
All of the causes for cheating are more than likely correct, your past relationship with her did not fulfill her in the same way it did for you. Her bringing up that she wants to explore with other men should have immediately alerted you to this, as that means her physical urges are overpowering her mental or emotional attachment to you, or the mental and emotional attachment have grown so weak as they are not even comparable anymore. However notable is that it occurred during a prolonged period of physical absence, many relationships don't survive long-distance and the physical aspect is just not something you can neglect in a relationship. A real relationship is emotional, intellectual, physical, all of these combined. Without trying to intrude on your personal life, if you didn't do something with her to release your physical urges and maintain your physical attachment while you guys were apart this should not come as a surprise as you neglected a part of your relationship in that case. What you can blame her for is cowardice, cheating on someone is selfish, because the person is attempting to get the satisfaction of maintaining a longterm/safe relationship, while simultaneously getting the thrill of new experiences. Most people do not have the emotional flexibility or detachment to maintain this ruse, thus when you confronted her she broke down and confessed, because the guilt was picking away at her. So she's a bad person for being a coward and not breaking up with you before having sex with other men, but at least she's not so emotionally absent as that she could maintain lying to your face in the aftermath. Advice: Don't involve her mother, that just reflects badly on yourself. Do not stay in contact with her for the immediate year, later once your emotional wounds have sealed you can get in contact again if you are still interested, but an emotional break of trust is sometimes irreparable damage. Do not enter another relationship immediately, as it most likely will not be stable. If you wish to go drink and have fun with other girls, do that, or retreat into video games, just do whatever keeps you busy and keeps you happy. Hang out with your friends, they're the most valuable thing you can get in life | ||
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Meepman
Canada610 Posts
Not like a lovey-dovey hahah we're so cute together way and can't imagine being apart way, either. We're talking twelve beers at noon and you can't remember why anymore. Don't make excuses for her, she knew exactly what she was doing the entire time. | ||
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DarkPlasmaBall
United States43720 Posts
On September 13 2014 05:17 CosmicSpiral wrote: During the initial stages of a failed relationship, this is usually the first immediate thought. It is also a complete lie. Very few relationships fail because of one participant. When one side takes a decision that breaks the trust, it is spurred by the apathy/obtuseness of the other. As much as you might feel insulted by the insinuation, there's a high chance she felt emotionally neglected and that your mutual trust was weak as a result. Simply put, your former girlfriend didn't find your relationship fulfilling enough. Considering she hadn't been with other men beforehand, this isn't surprising. If she didn't have to the opportunities to be sexually adventurous and find out what kind of people she connects with on a sexual and emotional level, she would naturally end up in unfulfilling relationships during the early period of her life. Finger-pointing and slut-shaming won't change this fact; neither will ascribing all the blame to her. You must take responsibility for certain things as well. Both sides screw up in early relationships. That's the way things are. The girlfriend just didn't want to be exclusive anymore. Sometimes that's actually not the guy's fault. (Or vice-versa.) And furthermore, if there was a real issue with the relationship, the girlfriend should have talked with him about what they could work on as a couple. But it just seems like the girl wanted to explore new people, rather than explore new things with the same person. And that's her own decision, but then she should have been mature and honest enough to either break up with him to pursue her own interests, or bite the bullet and stay exclusive with him. She lied and cheated, and you can't (even partially) blame him for her behavior. | ||
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krndandaman
Mozambique16569 Posts
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LockeTazeline
2390 Posts
Long term advice, after you've let things settle a little, forgive her if you can. I don't mean trust her - she's lost that completely, probably for good - but try to move on completely and that means letting go of the bitterness. Not easy, I know, but if you keep carrying on those dark feelings inside of you, you'll be the one that suffers. She hurt you, badly, but don't let her continue to do so, even by being the object of your bitterness. Stay strong man. | ||
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Shebuha
Canada1335 Posts
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docvoc
United States5491 Posts
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ETisME
12259 Posts
But if there is any one reason needed for you to convince yourself to run away from her, it is just that she is not ready to get settled down while you are completely ready. It wouldn't have worked even if you two did not have this issue because she wouldn't be satisfied. | ||
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Xyik
Canada728 Posts
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Zambrah
United States7093 Posts
Anyways, I'm not going to avoid her, but I'm not going to seek her out, and I'd rather try and act civil in this, she made a mistake and while it hurts, I don't necessarily think shes the worst person. Also, as far as going out and drinking is concerned, I seriously have the hardest time trying to develop a taste for beer. I appreciate all of the advice, I got a lot of good feedback from people who know her, and from you guys which really helped me get a better grip on the situation, I'm going to talk to her again in a week and tell her that I hope she manages to work herself out over junior year but that I don't think I can ever place romantic-levels of trust in her again. | ||
BigFan
TLADT24920 Posts
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MavivaM
1535 Posts
No need to tell her mother anything, it's petty and childish, and won't make you a better person. Guess you both were too different, take yourself some time and then eventually find someone who's more like you. If you feel like letting some bitterness out consider that most likely she'll get someone more like her, and that's pretty enough. It should be clear enough that I think that you should not even contact her anymore, you can't trust someone who cheated you more than once knowing that it would have hurt you. Btw I find pretty tasteless for her to tell you that she cheated on you thrice, as if a single mention wasn't enough... | ||
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Kaeru
Sweden552 Posts
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evilfatsh1t
Australia8601 Posts
what background are you guys? if its too personal you dont have to answer | ||
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LockeTazeline
2390 Posts
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[sc1f]eonzerg
Belgium6496 Posts
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hymn
Bulgaria832 Posts
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Taf the Ghost
United States11751 Posts
On September 13 2014 10:50 Zambrah wrote: Right now I think I'm mostly hoping that she'll figure herself out. Shes not a bad person, which is part of what makes this hard (the other part is knowing that shes a very rare brand of tolerable-human-being at my school), I see in her the potential to be in a monogamous relationship but I don't think I can consider it fair to myself to be with someone who I couldn't place my full faith in. Anyways, I'm not going to avoid her, but I'm not going to seek her out, and I'd rather try and act civil in this, she made a mistake and while it hurts, I don't necessarily think shes the worst person. Also, as far as going out and drinking is concerned, I seriously have the hardest time trying to develop a taste for beer. I appreciate all of the advice, I got a lot of good feedback from people who know her, and from you guys which really helped me get a better grip on the situation, I'm going to talk to her again in a week and tell her that I hope she manages to work herself out over junior year but that I don't think I can ever place romantic-levels of trust in her again. I don't drink because I can't stand the smell. Don't worry about not getting a "taste" for alcohol. It serves the wallet well. But I bolded the one part you need to correct yourself on. A "mistake" is losing your car keys. Sleeping with other men is *anything* but a "mistake". It was an utterly willful choice on her part. The self-defensive instinct wants you to think of it as she made a "mistake", but don't accept that. She wanted to sleep with other men and it was her choice. It's why I said to grieve the loss and move on. There's a definite loss to you, as you were invested in the relationship, but she chose this result. Now it's time for you to choose your next destination in life. As for her mother, if you interacted with her a bunch of times, I would thank the mother for your interactions, and simply wish her well. Be honest, but don't be cruel. I personally would have little problem directly telling her that the relationship ended because her daughter cheated, but I also wouldn't suggest just throwing it out there. Best wishes. | ||
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Zambrah
United States7093 Posts
On September 13 2014 13:01 evilfatsh1t wrote: this isnt advice but i was so curious i had to ask, mainly because i assume you met her in the US but she lives in korea now what background are you guys? if its too personal you dont have to answer We go to the same art school, Rhode Island School of Design, we're both Juniors in Illustration, shes from Korea, but shes lived in the US for a fair while, and I'm just from the US. We're both back in the US for school now though. | ||
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