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Hello TeamLiquid, the title really says it all.
I've been dating this girl for 1 year and 10 months, and through it all it seemed like there was this great connection, we weren't perfect, but we learned and progressed and got better with each other, and we supported each other through the hardships of going to one of the world's top design schools.
Over the summer she confessed to me that she was really curious about what it was like to be with other guys, sexually. We had a long talk, I told her that I understood her feelings, this was each of our first time really, really dating someone, and she felt that she hadn't experienced enough in life. I told her that I could understand her desire for exploration, but that I didn't think I could handle having her sleep with another man. She wished for me to go out there and sleep with other people too, but I really didn't feel compelled to, not to mention the fact that it would be immensely harder for me to casually fuck someone in my location.
She told me that she valued our relationship and that if I didnt want her to that she would not sleep with other men in Korea.
I told her that I wasn't comfortable with it, she said okay, and I felt that we had been together long enough that I could place my trust in her, she was living alone in Korea at the time, and I truly, fully believed that she would respect my trust, respect my wishes, and at the very least tell me if she couldn't handle it.
Fast forward to the beginning of school, we were reunited after three months apart, and I couldn't have been happier. As the days progressed she seemed more and more closed off, and then yesterday she tells me that she wants to take a break.
I was a little put off, but she explained that she wanted to spend more time being social, and focusing on her work, and I understood that and agreed that it would be for the best. I reluctantly went back to my apartment in relative disbelief.
Later that night I decided that I would man the fuck up and talk to her about this, in depth, because in my eyes this was something worth saving. I'm not afraid of compromise and if she truly wanted to separate over the year after this talk I would let go.
As the conversation went on about how she wanted to work on herself, she mentioned she was a bad person. I challenged that, I had never seen anything that would lead me to believe that she was a bad person, but in the pit of my stomach I knew it. I knew what she had done. I asked her how many and who.
She told me that she slept with three guys. Her friend's friend. A drunk one night stand. Her tango teacher.
I was... hurt to say the least. Hurt that someone who I trusted, who I thought loved and respected seemed to think so little of me.
I'm still hurt. I don't know what to do. We're going on a break for one month, but I don't know if I can forgive this kind of breach of trust. This was one of the best things I had had going for me, and over a day it crumbles around me, and I can't decide if I should forgive her or not. Can I trust her? Should I trust her? Will she ever be satisfied in a committed relationship, I just don't know.
I'm not the type to sleep around or drink, but I'm going to go talk to my old roommate whos adept at both and see what he has to say. I dunno. I think I deserve better than someone who I have to imagine must think so little of me.
Right now I'm fighting off the urge to tell her mother (who believes shes a virgin) everything. But I think thats just bitter. Maybe cruel. But I don't know.
Any advice?
 
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You don't want the real answer, but here it is:
Your relationship was over before you even had that "talk" during the summer. What she was really trying to do was to get you to end the relationship, so she could be removed of any perceived consequences for sleeping with the guy(s) that she wanted to (and, likely, had already started).
It's over; it's done. Grieve the loss (there's a big time & energy investment on your part) and move on. But otherwise remove her from your life. You aren't "there for her" when she comes crying to you later. It's just the nature of dealing with these issues.
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On September 13 2014 03:11 Taf the Ghost wrote:
You don't want the real answer, but here it is:
Your relationship was over before you even had that "talk" during the summer. What she was really trying to do was to get you to end the relationship, so she could be removed of any perceived consequences for sleeping with the guy(s) that she wanted to (and, likely, had already started).
It's over; it's done. Grieve the loss (there's a big time & energy investment on your part) and move on. But otherwise remove her from your life. You aren't "there for her" when she comes crying to you later. It's just the nature of dealing with these issues.
I appreciate the honesty, whether or not if thats exactly how I have to imagine that was the core of the matter.
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She's not worth keeping.
Seriously.
Unless you subscribe to the idea of non-monogamous relationships (which you explicitly told her you don't), then sleeping with another person is pretty much the single worst breach of trust in life. She did it three times, all carelessly.
To put it bluntly, she's a selfish, immature bitch and you deserve better.
Move on. Tell her that you deserve better than her and shove her out the door. Tell her to take your little "break" and shove it. The point is, you do in fact deserve better and she deserves nothing more than to get chewed out by you. You really should have dropped her as soon as she expressed interest in sleeping with other guys. That is an immediate sign that she is going to at some point and that she is not as mature as you are (at least when it comes to the relationship). The fact that she lied to you and did it anyway means she deserves some harsh words. There's no way in hell that I would ever trust someone who said anything like that, let alone after she slept with three other guys. If you give her another chance, a person like that will do it again.
People can sleep around and be sexually adventurous all they want and it's 100% OK, but it's not OK to do it while in a monogamous relationship. Hell, there are even very, very rare occasions where relationships can be fixed after someone cheats. This is obviously not one of those cases.
Don't go to her mom though, that's just petty.
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Bearded Elder29905 Posts
I didn't real the whole thing, I admit but cheating = end of relationship. Period. Even if you're one of those guys who are able to forgive such thing and you will be back together it will break sooner or later, things never gets better after one of partners cheated.
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I agree the "talk" was her trying to end the relationship, to be guilt free. "She wished for me to go out there and sleep with other people too".
People have needs regardless of morality, you didn't fulfill a specific need therefore she found a solution. Having said that people who cheat more than once, will cheat again. It's in their blood you don't know exactly what they experienced when they were younger. "3" guys man. THREE
You say you understand how she feels to be with other men, OK. Say that, but do not forgive, do not trust and find a better woman. I know this is cliched to the max but there are so many fish in the sea, this is the truth, if one woman won't satisfy your needs. You simply go find another.
You can tell her mother if she asks you why you aren't together anymore, nothing wrong with that. But don't tell her for the reasons you're feeling now; betrayal, disgust, sadness, etc. Because once you become an adult you have the right and privacy for your own personal life. Think about it. Do you want your mother to know every single time you had sex?
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Some people have a need for more sensation and experiences than others. Although a monogamous relationship might be ideal for you, that's not always the case for others. She needs disinhibition and won't be satisfied in a committed relationship so you should just let her go.
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First of all, you need to break up with cheaters immediatly.
I found out that i find cheating so disgusting that the cheater immediatly becomes unattractive as a person.
Since you were seperated recently, the breakup shouldnt be too hard on you since you arent used to each other too much.
And then, dont let girls put you on hold by "taking a break".
You must realize that this in 90% of all cases means your relationship failed and she wants to keep you available until she found someone "better".
So, break up and find a less disgusting person.
Who the fuck sleeps with their dancing teacher when in a relationship, its like one of those fake reality tv detective shows.
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Don't tell the mother; it's not your business and won't do you any good.
She's not a bitch, but she's certainly immature and didn't know how or couldn't face up to her need to break up with you.
She acted selfishly to cheat on you, but that's not the real issue with your relationship. The real problem is that the two of you are not romantically compatible. You're looking for different things. It's over and you'll find someone else that will make you happy.
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On September 13 2014 04:09 LaNague wrote:
First of all, you need to break up with cheaters immediatly.
I found out that i find cheating so disgusting that the cheater immediatly becomes unattractive as a person.
Since you were seperated recently, the breakup shouldnt be too hard on you since you arent used to each other too much.
And then, dont let girls put you on hold by "taking a break".
You must realize that this in 90% of all cases means your relationship failed and she wants to keep you available until she found someone "better".
So, break up and find a less disgusting person.
Who the fuck sleeps with their dancing teacher when in a relationship, its like one of those fake reality tv detective shows.
The thing is that over the year and ten months we spent a gargantuan amount of time together. Right now I'm calling up a bunch of my friends, and I'm going to spend this evening getting advice and, for the first time in like three years, drinking.
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Damn dude that sucks. Sorry to hear that that happened.
My advice is to cut her out of your life completely. She didnt respect your trust in an intimate relationship, so how is she going to respect your trust and wishes as a friend? You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders and are passionate and loyal. You will definitely find someone whom you can trust and love.
Good luck man. And stay strong. You aren't alone.
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Sorry that happened to you OP, it's crap really.
Talking about what you feel for each other: regardless whether she will do it again in the future or not, whether you can trust her again, and whether you forgive her, I think this is the key:
On September 13 2014 02:51 Zambrah wrote:
I think I deserve better than someone who I have to imagine must think so little of me.
Thinking about it in a more "practical" way: I think you must realize you both want different, incompatible things. You want A and she wants ¬A. Imho it's impossible to carry on in a relationship under fundamental differences in a critical topic like this.
My humble advice: Let it go. Don't seek vegeance or do anything harmful to her. Even if you feel she deserves it, it will hurt you more, and you and only you is all you must care about now.
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On September 13 2014 04:17 vult wrote:
Damn dude that sucks. Sorry to hear that that happened.
My advice is to cut her out of your life completely. She didnt respect your trust in an intimate relationship, so how is she going to respect your trust and wishes as a friend? You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders and are passionate and loyal. You will definitely find someone whom you can trust and love.
Good luck man. And stay strong. You aren't alone.
Thanks, I appreciate it. I'm trying to stay strong, and I know that I have to keep some degree of composure due to school, but this whole ordeal is made so much harder by the fact that girls at my school (RISD) are just... of a different breed than I believe myself compatible with.
I have to admit I am worried about spending the year in relative loneliness, but maybe thats just whats best.
EDIT: Oh, and I'm not going to seek out vengeance, its too easy and I want to be able to think better of myself.
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sorry to hear but my best advice is to move on, cut her out. its going to be unbelievable difficult for you but she already did it 3 times, what if you get back together and down the road and decides she wants something different or that she wants to "explore" again and confesses to more cheating? thats another ride on the emotional roller coaster, gl
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Mexico2170 Posts
I'm Sorry man, i know how it hurts.
Well at least she was honest at the end, you can give her that, but you should definitely end the relationship, like not even talk to her anymore.
If it was just one man, and she was drunk or something, MAYBE, just MAYBE the relationship could continue. But with 3 people? willingly? probably more than one time? Definitely NO.
I'm sure you are aware that when a long relationship happens (even if its temporary, as it was in your case) it is way more likely for this thing to happen. So, if she is going to korea again sometime in the future, sadly, you can almost be sure that this will happen again.
You will have to move on. Just remember the good times and don't remember her with anger. Know that at the end, she knew it was wrong, and decided to end the relationship, you can be sure she didn't do that to hurt you. She was selfish, yes, but she doesn't think "so little" of you.
You will find someone else, you seem like a good-hearted man and you will find a women who respects and love that, and the best advice i can give you is to try and do things you couldn't do before with her, enjoy being alone, and use the time you used in her, to do something good for you, a hobby, learn an instrument, study more, go to parties etc. This is giving you the chance to learn new things. Just keep on.
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United States15275 Posts
I think I deserve better than someone who I have to imagine must think so little of me.
During the initial stages of a failed relationship, this is usually the first immediate thought. It is also a complete lie. Very few relationships fail because of one participant. When one side takes a decision that breaks the trust, it is spurred by the apathy/obtuseness of the other. As much as you might feel insulted by the insinuation, there's a high chance she felt emotionally neglected and that your mutual trust was weak as a result.
Simply put, your former girlfriend didn't find your relationship fulfilling enough. Considering she hadn't been with other men beforehand, this isn't surprising. If she didn't have to the opportunities to be sexually adventurous and find out what kind of people she connects with on a sexual and emotional level, she would naturally end up in unfulfilling relationships during the early period of her life. Finger-pointing and slut-shaming won't change this fact; neither will ascribing all the blame to her. You must take responsibility for certain things as well. Both sides screw up in early relationships. That's the way things are.
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Think about how you feel right now
Think about who has made you feel that way
Think about why they made you feel that way
Think about why you give a shit about this person
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On September 13 2014 05:17 CosmicSpiral wrote:Show nested quote +I think I deserve better than someone who I have to imagine must think so little of me. During the initial stages of a failed relationship, this is usually the first immediate thought. It is also a complete lie. Very few relationships fail because of one participant. When one side takes a decision that breaks the trust, it is spurred by the apathy/obtuseness of the other. As much as you might feel insulted by the insinuation, there's a high chance she felt emotionally neglected. Simply put, your former girlfriend didn't find your relationship fulfilling enough. Considering she hadn't been with other men beforehand, this isn't surprising. If she didn't have to the opportunities to be sexually adventurous and find out what kind of people she connects with on a sexual and emotional level, she would naturally end up in unfulfilling relationships during the early period of her life. Finger-pointing and slut-shaming won't change this fact; neither will ascribing all the blame to her. You must take responsibility for certain things as well.
I'm more upset at the lying aspect. I understand that she has needs, we were separated for three months over summer vacation, I was tried my very best to be understanding, I know she has needs, I know that she wants experience, but what burns is being lied to about it. During our relationship we were often challenged to be fully open with each other, me especially, she has admitted to not being sure how to handle the emotions of others, but through the relationship we grew and improved at these things.
We talked every night, I really tried to be as available to her as my schedule would allow, and I know she tried to stay faithful to the relationship but I just wish she would have, at the very, very least, told me as soon as these things happened.
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There's a lot of advices or filosofy to throw around but I'm just gonna agree with the majority in this thread saying that you need delete her at least from your everyday life and move on. I would recommend giving it a couple of months and then reading CosmicSpiral's comment again.
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On September 13 2014 05:46 Koivusto wrote:
There's a lot of advices or filosofy to throw around but I'm just gonna agree with the majority in this thread saying that you need delete her at least from your everyday life and move on. I would recommend giving it a couple of months and then reading CosmicSpiral's comment again.
Time probably will help
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EPT
