EPTEven though I sit with you every single day at lunch, I feel like you know nothing about me. We joke, make fun of teachers, and have even shared a meal together for the last two years. But we're not friends. As much as I may know superficial things about you and act like we have things in common, we're not really that similar.
I never disliked you, but I realized that we could never be friends last year. I am not sure why, but someone else from my table last year thought it would be funny to bring back the nickname I was given for having a difference in opinion. Apparently thinking that abortion is acceptable in some cases and believing that you couldn't possibly have the knowledge to preclude someone else from making that decision is deserving of a special title.
I tried to play along with it, but there's something just very unsettling about being called something as awful as Hitler. I guess it's easy for a bunch of rich, white Christians to just call someone Hitler without really even understanding how awful of an association it is and how humiliating it would be to even have someone compare you to that. I guess that was compounded by the fact that my mother and her entire side of the family is Jewish, something that I wouldn't expect you to realize. I guess I was embarrassed by this fact from the start, considering this is a Catholic school and I didn't want anyone to think of me as anything other than that. I guess it's pretty selfish of me to just completely ignore a part of my family's history and be even embarrassed by something completely out of my control.
I still try as hard as I can to act like everything is alright at school, but I know that nothing will be okay. I'm not cut from the same cloth as everyone else. I don't find it funny when you make derogatory comments about other ethnic groups, I don't believe in Catholicism, I don't enjoy watching or playing sports, and I certainly don't like how you think you can get away with anything as long as you make sure that you're really sorry to Jesus and ask for forgiveness.
I know that you'll never know how I feel and I know that I can't expect you to ever understand what it's like from my perspective. I guess that all I can hope is that one day you can understand how awful that name is and that if you want to be forgiven, I will forgive you. I don't think I should be angry at you, considering you don't even know that I hate that name as much as I do. I hope that one day I can forgive myself though, for doing nothing but lying for three years (going on four) straight. It's morally draining to consider yourself a hypocrite and not even know how the people you interact with on a daily basis view you. I guess we all have to find some way to fit in, even if we end up changing ourselves to do it.
I never disliked you, but I realized that we could never be friends last year. I am not sure why, but someone else from my table last year thought it would be funny to bring back the nickname I was given for having a difference in opinion. Apparently thinking that abortion is acceptable in some cases and believing that you couldn't possibly have the knowledge to preclude someone else from making that decision is deserving of a special title.
I tried to play along with it, but there's something just very unsettling about being called something as awful as Hitler. I guess it's easy for a bunch of rich, white Christians to just call someone Hitler without really even understanding how awful of an association it is and how humiliating it would be to even have someone compare you to that. I guess that was compounded by the fact that my mother and her entire side of the family is Jewish, something that I wouldn't expect you to realize. I guess I was embarrassed by this fact from the start, considering this is a Catholic school and I didn't want anyone to think of me as anything other than that. I guess it's pretty selfish of me to just completely ignore a part of my family's history and be even embarrassed by something completely out of my control.
I still try as hard as I can to act like everything is alright at school, but I know that nothing will be okay. I'm not cut from the same cloth as everyone else. I don't find it funny when you make derogatory comments about other ethnic groups, I don't believe in Catholicism, I don't enjoy watching or playing sports, and I certainly don't like how you think you can get away with anything as long as you make sure that you're really sorry to Jesus and ask for forgiveness.
I know that you'll never know how I feel and I know that I can't expect you to ever understand what it's like from my perspective. I guess that all I can hope is that one day you can understand how awful that name is and that if you want to be forgiven, I will forgive you. I don't think I should be angry at you, considering you don't even know that I hate that name as much as I do. I hope that one day I can forgive myself though, for doing nothing but lying for three years (going on four) straight. It's morally draining to consider yourself a hypocrite and not even know how the people you interact with on a daily basis view you. I guess we all have to find some way to fit in, even if we end up changing ourselves to do it.
Just felt like getting some of this off my chest for no reason. As my junior year is coming close to an end I just want to finally be getting some closure for high school in a way that is cathartic without causing me too much misery in real life.
As an aside, I just started finished the first season of the show Hannibal. It's awesome in my opinion and highlights some of the deepest fears of the human body: our own sanity and how other people perceive us. Mads Mikkelsen (Casino Royale), Hugh Dancy, and Laurence Fishburne (The Matrix) all do an awesome job as their characters and it's super enjoyable. I figured I should at least have something positive in this blog
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