Diablo 2 Lord Of Destruction Battle Report 7

“You first,” I said to Emilio. He looked back at me, staring through my soul with that undying gaze of hatred and despair that only years of servitude to unworthy masters could bring. I pitied Emilio. He had only been freed from his torture recently when I purchased him from mad scientist/slave-merchant Greiz. He hadn’t known kindness such as that which I had given him his whole life. I threw some potions on the ground for Emilio to pick up before throwing him down the hole as part of his human sacrifice to me. However, in my hastiness to push him into Duriel’s chamber, I lost my footing and fell into the room with Emilio where the angry bug eagerly awaited us.

“Somebody call for an exterminator?” I coolly said. Duriel quickly mauled me and I ran away in terror while Emilio attempted to stab the mighty beast.


“Save me Emilio!!!”

Duriel charged toward me and Emilio and sneezed on us to slow us down.

“It’s Duriel’s COLD!” I shouted at Emilio, whom had already been frozen by the time he heard me. It was no use, Duriel skipped past Emilio and headed straight for me every time I made a pass. My numerous attempts to use Emilio as a meatshield were a failure.


I chose the wrong week to stop sniffing thawing potions!

If there’s one thing I learned through all my days of playing a naked hardcore barbarian, it was that persistence pays off. My early attempts at throwing Emilio in the way, though unsuccessful, allowed Emilio to shank Duriel once or twice every thirty seconds...if lucky. I threw down a portal to town, knowing Duriel would be too big to fit into it, and planned to abandon ship as emergency.


I have a feeling I’m gonna need more of those portals!

After a good 10 minutes or so of running around the room helplessly while Emilio took a potstab every once in a while, I grew tired and attempted to face the beast directly.

“Hey ugly!” I called out to Duriel. Emilio mistook the cue and started walking toward me. Either that or he knew what I was planning. I planted my feet right in front of the giant bug and weighed up his muscles against mine.



“I got this,” I said and I punched Duriel square in the chest. You should have seen Duriel’s health drop! I could tell I had gravely wounded him because he immediately pummeled me and took away two-thirds of my health.

I started running scared shitless and mashing the keys to use the rejuvenation potions in my belt before realizing I had already used my emergency pots.


“Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!!”

Somehow, in my panic, I managed to accidentally gulp another rejuvenation potion, leaving me with only one last one as I frantically ran around the room, crying for Emilio to save me. I opened up my inventory and periodically chugged some red blood juice each time I started running low.



A good half hour was spent in those chambers running in circles. Stamina potions were chugged regularly, and I always kept some on hand. My frequent trips back to town to stock back up on red blood juice made me appreciate the town-discount I was granted. Ideally though, the town should have given me their potions for free! After saving the town multiple times, these people should fear me enough to just throw their stuff at me and hope I don’t Emilio them to death!

Eventually, Emilio and I (mostly me, really) managed to whittle down Duriel’s health to a more manageable state. I had exhausted my inventory of health potions multiple times over, and was about to head back to town to purchase more when I realized that that was the way ladies play this game. I grabbed my junk to check to make sure that I am, indeed, not a lady before skillfully continuing to run around the room helplessly waiting for Emilio to occasionally stab Duriel.


1 health potion left? Sentinel, plz.

Emilio, seeing my desperation, charged in for his patented move, which he likes to refer to as, “the stab!” Duriel’s health bar stood no chance after a good dozen or so of “the stabs.” I told Emilio that his move sounded like an STD, but Emilio kept referring to giving people “the stabs.” I let it slide because Emilio was doing work. Duriel was finished.


Here you see Emilio landing the finishing move on Duriel, a move usually reserved for me alone.

As Duriel melted into a gooey mess, fireworks started blowing up inside the cavern, and also suddenly EARTHQUAKE! A bunch of caterpillars crawled out of Duriel’s corpse, and Emilio and I made a game of stepping on them. PETA would not be happy with us.



The only good bug is a dead bug.

Emilio pointed out that a cavern had opened up in the earthquake, and he started exploring on his own. I quickly called him back and warned him not to go off without me, lest there be gold dangerous enemies!!!

“Oh, it’s just Tyrael.”


The hooded angel told us we were fat outta luck in stopping Baal’s escape. I was lucky I was playing on the expansion otherwise I wouldn’t have had a clue as to what the dude was talking about. Baal, you say? Never heard of the guy.

I went back to town and was proclaimed a hero for saving the day. Only nobody gave me gifts… What gratitude… I talked to the local pirate, Meshif, who offered to take me to Kurast, the next town he planned to raid. I agreed so I could leave this ungrateful town, and I took Emilio with me.



To be continued...