EPTSeeing how the end of the year is nearing, thoughts of what I could have done better in the past 12 months and plans for the future are crossing my mind. Those "plans", however, merely qualify as ideas and are probably beyond the border of wishful thinking. The list of things I should have done (quite) differently in the past year is basically so long that adding a short paragraph about each thing would probably be enough to fill a short book. Considering how my previous new year's resolutions have a track record so abyssmal that even thinking about them makes me feel not only ashamed of myself but also question my ability to generally survive in life, I'd spare you the current ones.
Instead, in the spirit of the season, I decided to share my new year's eve that I can remember the best. As a matter of fact, I wish I could do exactly the same this very moment. This in itself might be worrysome consdidering how that day could be, in the best case, chalked off as an experience, although I feel like reading about it adjectives such as sad or pathetic could emerge in the reader...
On a side note, this might be fitting in my case:
http://9gag.com/gag/aZPxBz3
Currently listening to this on repeat. Certainly not the way I feel right now. I just saw Dido suggested on youtube and remembered that I used to like some of her old songs.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There I am: at home alone, sitting in front of my PC, not willing to sleep and feeling like drinking. It's already dark outside, and large groups of people on their way to celebrating the new year sounding like they are having the time of their life are walking past my balcony. And I'm alone... I had told my mother that I will be spending the night with a few of my friends from university. But I'm not. Everybody who would qualify as a friend of mine at the university is back in their home towns. I had been just too ashamed to admit that yet again not a single person that I knew from school or university had expressed the desire to spend new year's eve with me. It's not that I don't have any friends. I have always been able to get along with everybody. There are people who genuinely like me. Maybe, it was my extreme politeness and considerateness coupled with my above average shyness and rounded off with my nerdy interests that had created an emotional distance between me and those that should be close to me. Maybe, it was the fact all of my best friends were currently either in another country or at least another town...
None of this is crossing my mind at this moment. I am alone, because my only other option for today was being at home with my mother. I remember the days when I started elementary school. My mother used to ask me every now and then who my best friend from school is. I recall that I didn't know what to tell her. Who was my best friend? I recall that I simply listed names from other kids at school because I had no idea, who I could claim was my best friend. It's not like I was sitting alone every break at school waiting for the next period to start. I was playing soccer with the other kids. I was running around with them. I was having fun with them. But the fact of the matter is. I never met any of my classmates outside of school (except for birthdays) in my first two years of elementary school. Not a single time! There was only one kid that I spend a few days in 3rd and 4th grade with outside of school. A few days. In retrospect, the main reason might have been that he was an outgoing kid that for some reason wasn't liked by anybody, and I was the guy that had no ill feelings towards anybody, so I was more or less his only option.
I open a bottle of beer, light a cigarette and fill my playlist exclusively with songs from "30 Seconds to Mars": emo music reflecting my current emo state of mind. I'm alone pondering about my loneliness and in the background there is the distant noise of people getting ready to party tonight.
I chug the beer, get a glass of whiskey and light another cigarette. I had known that I will be spending the night alone and I had prepared myself. 22 years old and this is my 3rd time drinking at new year's eve (not in a row). In 22 years I had spent that date on the calendar only three times away from my family and with friends. I remember my schoolmates telling me about their experiences on new year's eve, how they have been drinking, how they have travelled to some place with their friends, how they have done something crazy. I remember my response being, how my mother made me a considerate gift or how my father took me to his hometown in the mountains. Thoughts of being a social failure creep into my mind while I fill another glass with whiskey trying to erase them.
A glance at the digital clock on my PC lets me know that in 15 minutes I will be hearing the fireworks of people, probably happier than me, go off. Alcohol and nicotine can only get you that far, it's time to have some "fun". Half a year ago, I decided that I need something to help me cope better with my studies. In the spirit of "you can get everything on the internet" I had got hold off some Ritalin. It did make me a zombie while studying, it did not make pass all of my exams with flying colors. I had experimented with taking Rit recreationally in the past and I enjoyed it. I definitely needed some recreation right now. I ground three 10mg pills into a fine powder, sort them in 3 thin lines with my credit card and snort them through a rolled 50 Euro bill. As a college student I'm not swimming in money, but I had made sure that I had a big banknote for snorting. Well, it did not make me feel like a pimp (as suggested by that one guy on the internet). I guess, I am missing the hooker whose ass I should have been snorting the powder off...
Only a couple of seconds later, I start feeling that familiar rush to my head. And it feels great! It has been a couple of months since the last time I indulged into this sin. I have been saving this substance of the gods for a special occasion and what could be more special than a night alone engulfed by feelings of inferiority and insignificance...
The loneliness forces thoughts of opportunities long gone into my head. All those girls (all 2 of them...), who wanted to crack my outer shell and reach the human being inside, appear in my mind along with all the other girls I had longed for. I keep thinking about the last one - a cute little thing with curly black hair, brown eyes and a smile so cute, I could die for. I remember the looks she gave me, the few times we talked, laughed and had fun together... And the time I made her completely disgusted with me. We were walking up the stairs to our only mutual class, together with a friend of mine. I not only kept communicating exclusively with my friend but I made an effort to ignore her - besides the fact that I was so overwhelmed by her sole presence, I simply didn't know what to tell her. When we reached the third floor I heard her make a sound I've never heard anytime before or after, a sound just like a sigh, but with the added elements of disgust and disappointment... I never talked to her again... I just kept thinking about her for the next 12 or so months. I remember a night when I got very drunk with a great friend of mine at my house. After getting us both hammered, I decided it would be a good idea to accompany him half way home (never mind that he had his bike with him). Halfway meant the middle of the park/forest separating our cities. I remember lying on the ground, drunk out of my mind and confessing to him how I felt about her and how sorry I was about missing those opportunities... I recall the tears in my eyes when talking about her... And I recall her favorite movie: "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"...
It is finally time to watch this movie. I turn it on, lay down in my bed and take another sip from my bottomless whiskey glass (by this time the bottle is standing next to me, so I can refill my glass whenever I'm done with my drink). The movie is great! Jonnie Depp is a genius! And I keep drinking even during the three cigarette breaks I take during the movie. Throughout the movie, I keep wishing for a stash of drugs with at least a fraction of the stuff they are taking in it. So far, besides alcohol and cigarettes, I've only smoked weed, taken Rit and swallowed some Lorazipam that was shipped with my Ritalin by mistake. Ah, my Lorazepam experience... The only drug I ever took without taking any side effects into consideration... I had swallowed a bunch of those pills after drinking a few bottles of beer. Next thing I know is: waking up in my roommates' bed, finding him in my room, and hearing from him how I was talking about jumping from the balcony (4th floor btw)... I take another deep sip from my whiskey glass in order to kill the invading thoughts of failure and disgust with myself...
The movie is over and I there are still hordes of happy, drunk people wandering around under my balcony. It's time for another round of "fun". I crush yet another two pills of rit into fine lines and snort them. I know I shouldn't, but I do feel so much better just in a matter of seconds. Who cares about loneliness when you feel like you can tear down the walls in your room? Well, I don't try to tear them down. I figure that's not the right thing to do. Instead, I opt for another round of whiskey and cigarettes. By this time, I have lost count of the number cigarettes I've smoked. I'd say a day of celebration justifies smoking a pack or two! The whiskey bottle is also halfway gone and by surpirse I notice that there are already three empty bottles of beer!? Who gives a fuck? I chug the next glass and start writing a blog on TL. As universally known, inspiration is required for every aspiring writer, so I do the usual procedure with yet another 2 pills of vitamin R.
God, I feel great!
Thoughts from my inner genius are rushing through my head. While writing down my great experience and the million dollar ideas deriving from it, I chat up long forgotten acquaintances over Facebook. Vitamin R has truly shown me that being the "King of the World" means being busy all the time...
Two word pages down the road, I realize that I not only have problems reaching the bathroom, but also that I have no idea what the hell I have been writing about in the past 1000 or so words...
God, I feel awful!
It's getting quiet outside. Loneliness!? Failure!? None of this matter anymore. I guess, I did manage to kill those thoughts. I simply need to sleep now...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In retrospect, it's sad that this is my New Year's Eve I remember the best. I guess, it's also rather pathetic that this is what I crave for. And I have no idea why...
Times have changed, though. I still do have regrets. I still do see tons of room for improvement for myself. But not everything is grey. I have a great girlfriend, who is better than anything I could have wished for. There is also hope on the horizon for every other aspect in my life. Let's just hope that I reach what can be reached.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This friend of mine I talked about above. We were never too close. I've seen him only a couple of times outside of school. I still felt rather close to him, though. And every now and then, I still recall the day we lost him. He was delivered to the hospital a few days before 12th grade started. We got to visit him one last time before he was sent to emergency care and subsequently passed away there. Tears were shed at his funeral service when we commemorated him one last time. I realize that there are far worse things to go through: Him coming home to find his mother dead in the bathroom, a schoolmate of mine losing her little sister to a traffic accident, my girlfriend losing her previous boyfriend to an accident... Still, I felt like talking about him here. I never got to visit his grave...
I think it's normal to feel lonely, after all, social interactions are something that most people including introverts(every once in a while) yearn for. I also would not think of yourself as a failure just because you don't have that best friend. I think being able to get along with everyone can in a way also exclude you from having that best friend(not all the time though). There are people out there that have to do nothing apart from being themselves and they draw people in. People want to hang around with them, make plans with them etc... They don't need to initiate in most cases. With others, you are meant to be the initiator and such. At least that's my perspective on it ^^
