This is a story about three new legends: Kwark, Tofucake, and Big Monkey. I suppose you could say I was their squire.
Background
Team Liquid is home to many sub communities, one of which is based in EVE Online. EVE is a game that emphasises, above all else, community-based gameplay. Players spend hours each day hanging out with each other on platforms like TeamSpeak, resulting in a very tight-knit atmosphere where people become friends and comrades not only in the game, but in real life as well.
A bit of EVE background. Kwark and Tofucake are two members who had been part of our small EVE community for several years. Big Monkey, on the other hand, was part of a gigantic evil galactic empire in the game, which TL often fought and stomped in almost all engagements. He eventually defected and joined us sometime last year, and we accepted him with open arms after he paid us a large collateral in case he did something naughty.
One thing that we quickly found out about Big Monkey was that he was an Iron Man. He had started them only in the last year or so, after being inspired by something meaningful. For those of you unfamiliar with Iron Man, here is a quick description from Wikipedia:
An Ironman Triathlon is one of a series of long-distance triathlon races organized by the World Triathlon Corporation (WTC) consisting of a 2.4-mile (3.86 km) swim, a 112-mile (180.25 km) bicycle ride and a marathon 26.2-mile (42.2 km) run, raced in that order and without a break.
Impressed yet? What if I told you the following: Big Monkey did not know how to swim at the beginning of last year. He had to learn how to swim almost four kilometres in under a year. Yeah, no small feat.
Anyway, sometime in January this year, Big Monkey came forward with a proposal: ‘Instead of listening to me talk about it all, let’s pick a Tough Mudder date and go as a group.’
This was our first introduction to ‘What is Tough Mudder’
Tough Mudder is an endurance event series in which participants attempt 10–12 mile long military-style obstacle courses. Designed by British Special Forces to test mental as well as physical strength, obstacles often play on common human fears, such as fire, water, electricity and heights. The organizers encourage teamwork, and many obstacles are designed to be very difficult to complete alone.
Kwark says:
A tough mudder is a (roughly) half marathon length endurance course with around 20 obstacles along the route. A list of the obstacles can be seen here.
http://toughmudder.co.uk/obstacles/
The obstacles vary, including physical challenges
+ Show Spoiler +
teamwork challenges
+ Show Spoiler +
tests of nerves
+ Show Spoiler +
stuff that is pretty nuts
+ Show Spoiler +
and just plain unpleasant
+ Show Spoiler +
A tough mudder is a (roughly) half marathon length endurance course with around 20 obstacles along the route. A list of the obstacles can be seen here.
http://toughmudder.co.uk/obstacles/
The obstacles vary, including physical challenges
+ Show Spoiler +
teamwork challenges
+ Show Spoiler +
tests of nerves
+ Show Spoiler +
stuff that is pretty nuts
+ Show Spoiler +
and just plain unpleasant
+ Show Spoiler +
We decided to do it on September 21st, when it would be held in the South West UK. This would give us plenty of time to train up and prepare both physically and mentally. A few said ‘hmm’, others went ‘sure, maybe?’ then pulled out or disappeared, but three manly men committed to it right away with a straight ‘yes’: Big Monkey, Kwark, and Tofu. I wimped out and did not commit to joining, but said I would come along as a spectator.
What a preparation it was to be. Take a look at some of these posts from Tofu, who kept us up to date with his workout, posting daily updates on his progress.
+ Show Spoiler [The Start] +
+ Show Spoiler [The Product] +
+ Show Spoiler [Bonus from Kwark] +
The Big Day: 21st September 2013
Each of the participants have forwarded me their own writeups of the day, and so my job shall simply be to put the jigsaw puzzle pieces together to tell a story.
Kwark says:
We, The Mity Hattree, are a group of Eve Online players from TeamLiquid. Playing Eve does not typically involve many obstacles but unfortunately for us a Mr Big Monkey likes obstacles IRL and wanted to share that with us. Last year he did an Iron Man while we e-cheered him on but shortly afterwards he proposed that The Hatchery form a team to do a Tough Mudder with him. Interest was initially high with people promising to train and come from Germany, Sweden, Poland and even the United States. However most of these people proved insufficiently manly and we were reduced to just three: tofucake, myself and Big Monkey. Firebolt145 also signed up, but despite the rigorous application of peer pressure, refused to participate and only watched. After many months of training the day came.
We, The Mity Hattree, are a group of Eve Online players from TeamLiquid. Playing Eve does not typically involve many obstacles but unfortunately for us a Mr Big Monkey likes obstacles IRL and wanted to share that with us. Last year he did an Iron Man while we e-cheered him on but shortly afterwards he proposed that The Hatchery form a team to do a Tough Mudder with him. Interest was initially high with people promising to train and come from Germany, Sweden, Poland and even the United States. However most of these people proved insufficiently manly and we were reduced to just three: tofucake, myself and Big Monkey. Firebolt145 also signed up, but despite the rigorous application of peer pressure, refused to participate and only watched. After many months of training the day came.
Tofu says:
I get turned around in Bristol. Firebolt doesn't consider a building covered in blue scaffolding and a sign which says "Temple Circus Gyratory" as landmarks. 23 seconds later the four of us meet up and Firebolt asks why I didn't tell him to look for the guy with the magnificent beard.
I get turned around in Bristol. Firebolt doesn't consider a building covered in blue scaffolding and a sign which says "Temple Circus Gyratory" as landmarks. 23 seconds later the four of us meet up and Firebolt asks why I didn't tell him to look for the guy with the magnificent beard.
Honestly, Tofu did have a pretty sweet beard. You’ll see it later.
Kwark says:
We met up in sunny England at Bristol train station for Tough Mudder South West. The event itself was in Wales but we had a 2pm start time and the logistics made Bristol a good choice. For breakfast we filled up on a wonderful greasy full English breakfast which I now believe was instrumental in our success. Throughout breakfast I was aggressively slandered by my teammates who attacked my plan of doing it in swimming shorts which I had on under my jeans because they're all colossal baddies. Eve analogies were made, I called people bad, fun was had.
We met up in sunny England at Bristol train station for Tough Mudder South West. The event itself was in Wales but we had a 2pm start time and the logistics made Bristol a good choice. For breakfast we filled up on a wonderful greasy full English breakfast which I now believe was instrumental in our success. Throughout breakfast I was aggressively slandered by my teammates who attacked my plan of doing it in swimming shorts which I had on under my jeans because they're all colossal baddies. Eve analogies were made, I called people bad, fun was had.
The initial impression Kwark gave us was that he was planning to do the entire thing (running, obstacle courses, and all) in jeans. He claimed that he would just be able to take them off for particularly wet obstacles. Needless to say we mocked him endlessly over breakfast.
Big Monkey says:
So the stage was set for the 3 TL homies to become immortalised in TL history forever. Never before had gamers in the community been up to do something so sporting or so challenging. A challenge it would be.
The first challenge for me was to find the TL peeps. I turned and saw 2 fellows chatting in a corner and suddenly I realised one would have to be Kwark, I'd know that voice anywhere and the other one was the 4th man Flamberg who wasn’t actually doing the event but his enthusiasm was high and his presence was by no mean invalid. We had a search around and found Tofu and the jigsaw was complete. The adventurers were ready to go adventuring and to participate in all sort of manliness.
First the fellows needed feeding and off to Tesco we went to purchase some breakfast. Mine was healthy, Kwarks was next and Tofu had...well...fried bread and 6 pieces of bacon. As we sat around the breakfast table much jocularity ensued when it emerged Kwark was going to do Tough Mudder in his jeans. A 12 mile obstacle course designed by the special forces and this man wanted to do it in his jeans, removing them for the water obstacles for his trunks. I nearly pissed myself laughing. I’m pretty bad at EVE and get laughed at for that but this was my turn. This kind of event is my turf and I made sure I was going to milk it. Piss taking over, off the fellows went to Welsh Wales and the sun was out when we arrived which for this part of Wales is unheard of.
So the stage was set for the 3 TL homies to become immortalised in TL history forever. Never before had gamers in the community been up to do something so sporting or so challenging. A challenge it would be.
The first challenge for me was to find the TL peeps. I turned and saw 2 fellows chatting in a corner and suddenly I realised one would have to be Kwark, I'd know that voice anywhere and the other one was the 4th man Flamberg who wasn’t actually doing the event but his enthusiasm was high and his presence was by no mean invalid. We had a search around and found Tofu and the jigsaw was complete. The adventurers were ready to go adventuring and to participate in all sort of manliness.
First the fellows needed feeding and off to Tesco we went to purchase some breakfast. Mine was healthy, Kwarks was next and Tofu had...well...fried bread and 6 pieces of bacon. As we sat around the breakfast table much jocularity ensued when it emerged Kwark was going to do Tough Mudder in his jeans. A 12 mile obstacle course designed by the special forces and this man wanted to do it in his jeans, removing them for the water obstacles for his trunks. I nearly pissed myself laughing. I’m pretty bad at EVE and get laughed at for that but this was my turn. This kind of event is my turf and I made sure I was going to milk it. Piss taking over, off the fellows went to Welsh Wales and the sun was out when we arrived which for this part of Wales is unheard of.
Tofu says:
We head to Tesco and have breakfast in the cafe. The 3 of them get balanced breakfasts. Meanwhile, I have eggs with bacon, bacon, bacon, bacon, bacon, and bacon. We spend 15 minutes convincing Kwark that running Tough Mudder in jeans is a bad idea. Kwark buys some sportish pants from Tesco for 7 pounds.
We head to Tesco and have breakfast in the cafe. The 3 of them get balanced breakfasts. Meanwhile, I have eggs with bacon, bacon, bacon, bacon, bacon, and bacon. We spend 15 minutes convincing Kwark that running Tough Mudder in jeans is a bad idea. Kwark buys some sportish pants from Tesco for 7 pounds.
Kwark says:
We set off for Wales with some concerns regarding the weather, British weather this time of year is notoriously cold, damp and windy and Welsh weather is reliably like English weather but more shit. Given the number of water obstacles likely to be there a cold wet day would be absolutely miserable. However, despite some damp patches on the way there, the weather in the valleys was surprisingly good that day and I was cautiously optimistic at the time of registration. Not too optimistic, we'd seen one ambulance speed past us on the way there and another when we got there, but there was a distinct possibility of a good day to be had.
We set off for Wales with some concerns regarding the weather, British weather this time of year is notoriously cold, damp and windy and Welsh weather is reliably like English weather but more shit. Given the number of water obstacles likely to be there a cold wet day would be absolutely miserable. However, despite some damp patches on the way there, the weather in the valleys was surprisingly good that day and I was cautiously optimistic at the time of registration. Not too optimistic, we'd seen one ambulance speed past us on the way there and another when we got there, but there was a distinct possibility of a good day to be had.
That, for Wales, is pretty incredible weather. Take my word for it.
Tofu says:
We all check in and look at a few of the obstacles (Everest, Shock Therapy, and a tunnel crawl). We head back to the car to change. We've also noticed that there's a sun and blue above us, which I'm told is quite odd in Wales and possibly means the end of the world is upon us.
We all check in and look at a few of the obstacles (Everest, Shock Therapy, and a tunnel crawl). We head back to the car to change. We've also noticed that there's a sun and blue above us, which I'm told is quite odd in Wales and possibly means the end of the world is upon us.
Tofucake, Big Monkey (
Slightly worrying sight at the entrance…
Drawing our participant numbers on each other.
The start line!
A map of the course.
Tofu says:
Warmup time! Lunges, high knees, some squats, and jumping jacks. It's poorly organized as they crammed us together like sardines, leaving little room to actually do the exercises. After 15 minutes we head to the start line. Before we get there we encounter our first obstacle: an 8 foot wall. Everyone gathers round at the start line and we do some chants and such.
Warmup time! Lunges, high knees, some squats, and jumping jacks. It's poorly organized as they crammed us together like sardines, leaving little room to actually do the exercises. After 15 minutes we head to the start line. Before we get there we encounter our first obstacle: an 8 foot wall. Everyone gathers round at the start line and we do some chants and such.
Big Monkey says:
We warmed up with some excercises and my adrenaline was rising. I was feeling pumped and had been looking forward to this for a long time. We then headed for the start line and had to climb an 8 foot wall to get there. We threw tofu over, gave kwark a hand and i climbed over unassisted no problem no problem. We bade each other good wishes and off we went. We started with a run at a gentle pace and i was hopeful of getting round without incident. Kwark had a good pace and i was aware Tofu had been training for 9 months losing 25% of his body weight in the process. a mile into the run the pace slowed and i realised that maybe we wouldnt be running all the way round there could be some walking involved. At this stage i didnt realise how much walking. I had seen other people doing the course and they didnt seem that muddy. I thought this was tough mudder? where is the mud? Didnt have to wait long.
We warmed up with some excercises and my adrenaline was rising. I was feeling pumped and had been looking forward to this for a long time. We then headed for the start line and had to climb an 8 foot wall to get there. We threw tofu over, gave kwark a hand and i climbed over unassisted no problem no problem. We bade each other good wishes and off we went. We started with a run at a gentle pace and i was hopeful of getting round without incident. Kwark had a good pace and i was aware Tofu had been training for 9 months losing 25% of his body weight in the process. a mile into the run the pace slowed and i realised that maybe we wouldnt be running all the way round there could be some walking involved. At this stage i didnt realise how much walking. I had seen other people doing the course and they didnt seem that muddy. I thought this was tough mudder? where is the mud? Didnt have to wait long.
Tofu says:
We run for a mile. And then another mile. Somewhere inside that second mile I strained my right abductor which makes the rest of the course more difficult than it should have been.
We run for a mile. And then another mile. Somewhere inside that second mile I strained my right abductor which makes the rest of the course more difficult than it should have been.
Kwark says:
The first obstacle was just a 6ft wall which a kind gentleman boosted me over.
Then there was roughly a 2 mile run which I guess was intended to spread the pack out a little so we didn't get all congested on the obstacles. We proceeded at a fairly leisurely pace, a nice easy jog while we were fresh up to the next obstacle, the Kiss of Mud.
+ Show Spoiler +
Relatively simple although we did get covered in mud. Buckets of water were thrown over the obstacle and us as we went keeping the mud slick and guaranteeing we got covered. No real difficulty there though.
The first obstacle was just a 6ft wall which a kind gentleman boosted me over.
Then there was roughly a 2 mile run which I guess was intended to spread the pack out a little so we didn't get all congested on the obstacles. We proceeded at a fairly leisurely pace, a nice easy jog while we were fresh up to the next obstacle, the Kiss of Mud.
+ Show Spoiler +
Eat dirt as you crawl commando-style under barbed wire set 8 inches from the ground. This obstacle is true to its name – Mudders℠ must belly-crawl through mud in order to avoid getting snagged by the barbed wire above. On some courses, the Kiss of Mud is set on an uphill, increasing the level of difficulty. To prepare for this obstacle, start crawling in any mud you come across, or, do our Tough plank series (alternating low & high planks – fast!).
Relatively simple although we did get covered in mud. Buckets of water were thrown over the obstacle and us as we went keeping the mud slick and guaranteeing we got covered. No real difficulty there though.
Big Monkey says:
First up was the kiss of mud. crawling on out bellys in thick brown mud. it was Glorious. Our Mity Hatree tshirts were totally covered. I thought this is great.
First up was the kiss of mud. crawling on out bellys in thick brown mud. it was Glorious. Our Mity Hatree tshirts were totally covered. I thought this is great.
Tofu says:
Towards the end of mile 2 we hit the first official obstacle: kiss of mud. Crawl through mud under some barbed wire. No problem. I speed through it, Kwark and Monkey get through quickly as well.
Towards the end of mile 2 we hit the first official obstacle: kiss of mud. Crawl through mud under some barbed wire. No problem. I speed through it, Kwark and Monkey get through quickly as well.
Saw a group of people in Roman soldier outfits and had to take a picture.
Big Monkey says:
A bit more running and of course walking we came to Glory blades. These were slanted walls. we took the same approach as before. Push Tofu over the wall, help kwark up, monkey climbs over.
A bit more running and of course walking we came to Glory blades. These were slanted walls. we took the same approach as before. Push Tofu over the wall, help kwark up, monkey climbs over.
Kwark says:
Another short run took us to the Glory Blades.
+ Show Spoiler +
Plan was that monkey and I would boost up tofu, monkey would boost me up and then he'd jump and we'd haul him up. However when the time came to pull him over Mr Monkey just cleared it in a single bound of his powerful frame which made it easier. No problems there.
Another short run took us to the Glory Blades.
+ Show Spoiler +
Already conquered Berlin Walls? Now it’s time to take on Glory Blades. These 8 foot walls are no easy task when they are standing straight up, but now Tough Mudder has angled them toward you, eliminating the chance of kicking off the wall to help yourself get up and over. In order to defeat this obstacle you will need a full team of helping hands.
Plan was that monkey and I would boost up tofu, monkey would boost me up and then he'd jump and we'd haul him up. However when the time came to pull him over Mr Monkey just cleared it in a single bound of his powerful frame which made it easier. No problems there.
Tofu says:
After that is Glory Blades which is basically just slanty walls. Kwark and Monkey shove me up, then I help haul Kwark up, then we both help Monkey up. Pretty straight forward. Next we hit Arctic Enema. Kwark lost his glasses in there and I lost a contact. We now have 3 good eyes on the team.
After that is Glory Blades which is basically just slanty walls. Kwark and Monkey shove me up, then I help haul Kwark up, then we both help Monkey up. Pretty straight forward. Next we hit Arctic Enema. Kwark lost his glasses in there and I lost a contact. We now have 3 good eyes on the team.
Kwark says:
Next came the Arctic Enema.
+ Show Spoiler +
Jumping into the mixture of mud and ice cubes wasn't too difficult because I knew I was going to do it because I had to get to the other side so even though it was obviously an insane idea I still jumped in and then once in I was very strongly incentivised to get out the other end. Unfortunately there was a bit where you had to fully submerge yourself under the ice to cross below a plank and I forgot I was wearing glasses. Also I bashed my head coming up the other side. To make matters worse Tofu was directly ahead of me and took forever getting it out (probably about 5 seconds but 5 seconds feels like a long time in a freezing muddy ice bath). When your body goes from jogging on a warm sunny day to being under icy water it goes into shock and starts doing things that your conscious mind didn't tell it to do. Even after coming out of the ice my heart was going nuts and my body was cutting off the circulation to limbs it intended to let die to conserve my core and it took a while for it to work out that I wasn't actually in danger of hypothermia.
Next came the Arctic Enema.
+ Show Spoiler +
This obstacle is all about mental grit. Many athletes use ice baths for recovery, but you’ll have a difficult time relaxing your muscles in this frigid dumpster. First you must bravely jump into Big Mudder’s floating iceberg abyss. Once submerged, find the mental and physical strength to swim through the ice, under a wooden plank and pull yourself out on the other end before you become hypothermic.
Jumping into the mixture of mud and ice cubes wasn't too difficult because I knew I was going to do it because I had to get to the other side so even though it was obviously an insane idea I still jumped in and then once in I was very strongly incentivised to get out the other end. Unfortunately there was a bit where you had to fully submerge yourself under the ice to cross below a plank and I forgot I was wearing glasses. Also I bashed my head coming up the other side. To make matters worse Tofu was directly ahead of me and took forever getting it out (probably about 5 seconds but 5 seconds feels like a long time in a freezing muddy ice bath). When your body goes from jogging on a warm sunny day to being under icy water it goes into shock and starts doing things that your conscious mind didn't tell it to do. Even after coming out of the ice my heart was going nuts and my body was cutting off the circulation to limbs it intended to let die to conserve my core and it took a while for it to work out that I wasn't actually in danger of hypothermia.
Big Monkey says:
3rd obstacle was Arctic enema. Id been looking forward to this one. Jump in a ice bath, swim under a board and out the other side. Im sure many manhoods were shrunk in this obstacle. What I didn’t envisage was Kwark losing his glasses, Tofu a contact lens. We now had 3 good eyes between us and 2 of them were in my head.
3rd obstacle was Arctic enema. Id been looking forward to this one. Jump in a ice bath, swim under a board and out the other side. Im sure many manhoods were shrunk in this obstacle. What I didn’t envisage was Kwark losing his glasses, Tofu a contact lens. We now had 3 good eyes between us and 2 of them were in my head.
Glasses go into the container of ice…
...but they don’t come out.
Kwark says:
Immediately after the Arctic Enema came Trench Warfare.
+ Show Spoiler +
This was probably my least favourite obstacle although the other two blitzed it with ease. We took different tunnels so I could tell myself I got a hard tunnel but whatever, I came out bleeding in a dozen places and still have the cuts a week later. You had to do a very low crawl on your forearms and shins across jagged rocks in the dark. Seemed like it took me forever and was very painful, would very much not recommend.
Immediately after the Arctic Enema came Trench Warfare.
+ Show Spoiler +
This military-style obstacle requires Mudders℠ to crawl through narrow, dark, muddy trenches. Watch out for rocks, obstructions, and the occasional splash of muddy water from the Mudder crawling ahead. We advise all Mudders to move quickly through this obstacle to reduce the risk of contracting gangrene or trench foot. These trenches will test the stamina and mental grit of all Mudders, especially those who fear dark, confined spaces
This was probably my least favourite obstacle although the other two blitzed it with ease. We took different tunnels so I could tell myself I got a hard tunnel but whatever, I came out bleeding in a dozen places and still have the cuts a week later. You had to do a very low crawl on your forearms and shins across jagged rocks in the dark. Seemed like it took me forever and was very painful, would very much not recommend.
At this point the middle stretch of the course was closed off to spectators as it involved running through forests and up and down hills and what not, so I have no pictures of the next few obstacles. I went and took a nap in the spectator area, waking up rather sunburnt. I also met a very pretty, friendly, and interesting girl who was also accompanying her own group (the earlier mentioned Romans). We chatted for about an hour while waiting for our groups to appear at the next obstacle. Alas I did not get her number for various reasons (none of which were my fault!), but that is not the focus of this story.
Big Monkey says:
We ran along some more (if I say ran from this point on I actually mean a lot of walking with some running) we came to the monkey bars and none of us made it to the other side without falling in and swimming to the other end.
We ran along some more (if I say ran from this point on I actually mean a lot of walking with some running) we came to the monkey bars and none of us made it to the other side without falling in and swimming to the other end.
Kwark says:
Next came Funky Monkey
+ Show Spoiler +
I had no shot at doing upwards inclined monkey bars. I jumped into the mud as gracefully as one can and swam to the other side. None of us made it across so on the other side we resumed jogging to try and keep warm and keep going.
Next came Funky Monkey
+ Show Spoiler +
Sure monkey bars were easy when you were 5 years old, but you’ll need to hold on extra tight to these. Some have been greased with our finest mixture of mud and butter and if you slip you’ll fall into an icy pond below. Bars are spaced 1.5 feet apart and you will be on an incline upward for the first half of the Monkey and then descending downward for the second portion. Seasoned Mudders℠ keep their arms bent at a 90-degree angle and bicycle-kick their legs to gain momentum.
I had no shot at doing upwards inclined monkey bars. I jumped into the mud as gracefully as one can and swam to the other side. None of us made it across so on the other side we resumed jogging to try and keep warm and keep going.
Tofu says:
Next we have 4 miles of running uphill. There are some expanses where it's moderately flat, but mostly it's uphill. Just after mile 4 is the monkey bars. I get 4 in and fall. Not sure how Kwark or Monkey did as I was more concerned about getting out of the water before my balls froze off.
Next we have 4 miles of running uphill. There are some expanses where it's moderately flat, but mostly it's uphill. Just after mile 4 is the monkey bars. I get 4 in and fall. Not sure how Kwark or Monkey did as I was more concerned about getting out of the water before my balls froze off.
Stock picture of Funky Monkey.
Kwark says:
After a fairly long climb came Hold Your Wood.
+ Show Spoiler +
We were still with the pack at this point and the start and finish points of Hold Your Wood were next to each other so the people finishing it passed their logs to the people setting out. Mr Monkey and I threw our logs onto our shoulders and blitzed off but tofu seemed to be struggling a bit. As we approached the end of the obstacle my team spirit caught up with me and I dropped mine and went back to see what was up with him, only to find him struggling under a tree. Apparently someone had just handed it to him and he didn't think to question why he was solo carrying a log twice as big as anyone else's. It was long enough to put it on my shoulder and his so we did that and took it to the end, with me fully intending to go back and get mine (I'd left it about 50m from the end) but not bothering. Mr Monkey decided that he'd carry his log the other 8 miles to the end before someone explained to him that the obstacle was over and he didn't have to.
After a fairly long climb came Hold Your Wood.
+ Show Spoiler +
Make like a lumberjack and carry a heavy log through a section of the Tough Mudder course. If the course is flat, expect to be lugging your log for at least 1/2 mile. If the area is hilly or mountainous, get friendly with your wood because you’ll be hauling it up a steep and challenging ascent.
We were still with the pack at this point and the start and finish points of Hold Your Wood were next to each other so the people finishing it passed their logs to the people setting out. Mr Monkey and I threw our logs onto our shoulders and blitzed off but tofu seemed to be struggling a bit. As we approached the end of the obstacle my team spirit caught up with me and I dropped mine and went back to see what was up with him, only to find him struggling under a tree. Apparently someone had just handed it to him and he didn't think to question why he was solo carrying a log twice as big as anyone else's. It was long enough to put it on my shoulder and his so we did that and took it to the end, with me fully intending to go back and get mine (I'd left it about 50m from the end) but not bothering. Mr Monkey decided that he'd carry his log the other 8 miles to the end before someone explained to him that the obstacle was over and he didn't have to.
Big Monkey says:
Log carry we were all given a log to carry and Tofu being bear like and manly had the biggest log which i think he soon regretted taking. Mine was longest but probably lightest. We carried a while. I got to the point where i was told there was half left to go. So i carried on taking the log until a woman said. you can carry the log the rest of the way but no need. i soon lost my load.
Log carry we were all given a log to carry and Tofu being bear like and manly had the biggest log which i think he soon regretted taking. Mine was longest but probably lightest. We carried a while. I got to the point where i was told there was half left to go. So i carried on taking the log until a woman said. you can carry the log the rest of the way but no need. i soon lost my load.
Tofucake says:
About a half mile later there's a half mile log carry. Apparently Kwark and Monkey both got appropriate sized logs but I managed to obtain a 2 person log. Halfway, Kwark dumps his and helps me out. Monkey attempted to carry his log the rest of the course but was told that might be a bad idea.
About a half mile later there's a half mile log carry. Apparently Kwark and Monkey both got appropriate sized logs but I managed to obtain a 2 person log. Halfway, Kwark dumps his and helps me out. Monkey attempted to carry his log the rest of the course but was told that might be a bad idea.
Kwark says:
Next came the Mud Mile.
+ Show Spoiler +
This was a difficult obstacle for me because for the last few years I've been taking my boots off by undoing the laces, bracing one boot against the sole of the other and pulling them off. This had clearly weakened the sole of the boot. Slodging through very sticky, deep, clay-y mud was slowly tearing the sole off one of my boots. Each time I lifted it back out the sole peeled back a little further. The boot was fucked, I just had to hope it'd make it the rest of the course.
We were still climbing up the side of the valley at this point and it was getting exhausting. It was steep and muddy and rather than give us a flatish route parallel to the incline they had us meander up and down. There was a very easy obstacle that was just running and jumping over a bunch of steep earth mounds, kind of like a BMX track, which I did twice for laughs. Next came the Hero Carry.
+ Show Spoiler +
Given the relative sizes and strengths of our team members and the fact that carrying was impractical with three people I just gave Mr Monkey a piggy back for most of this. We continued on although my boot was beginning to worry me, even clear of the Mud Mile it appeared to be fatiguing.
Next came the Mud Mile.
+ Show Spoiler +
Slosh through up to a mile of waist-deep sludge as you try not to lose your shoes in the mud. Balance and coordination are required if you want to make it through this obstacle without face-planting… but what’s the fun in that? Real Mudders℠ eat mud for breakfast. On some courses, Mudders℠ will encounter obstructions throughout Mud Mile that require them to fully submerge in the mud to slosh onward.
This was a difficult obstacle for me because for the last few years I've been taking my boots off by undoing the laces, bracing one boot against the sole of the other and pulling them off. This had clearly weakened the sole of the boot. Slodging through very sticky, deep, clay-y mud was slowly tearing the sole off one of my boots. Each time I lifted it back out the sole peeled back a little further. The boot was fucked, I just had to hope it'd make it the rest of the course.
We were still climbing up the side of the valley at this point and it was getting exhausting. It was steep and muddy and rather than give us a flatish route parallel to the incline they had us meander up and down. There was a very easy obstacle that was just running and jumping over a bunch of steep earth mounds, kind of like a BMX track, which I did twice for laughs. Next came the Hero Carry.
+ Show Spoiler +
Tough Mudder has created a signature obstacle to represent the teamwork and camaraderie displayed at events worldwide. In the spirit of commemorating heroes carrying their wounded brothers to safety, this obstacle involves fireman carrying your fellow Mudder for 100 meters, then switching places and going another 100 yards.
Given the relative sizes and strengths of our team members and the fact that carrying was impractical with three people I just gave Mr Monkey a piggy back for most of this. We continued on although my boot was beginning to worry me, even clear of the Mud Mile it appeared to be fatiguing.
Tofucake says:
The next mile or so is a mostly uphill run through mud. Lots of mud. Several abandoned shoes were spotted. Halfway through the sole rips off the bottom of Kwark's left boot. He will spend the next 4 miles torturing his foot. Hero Carry ended up being pretty straight forward, with Kwark and Monkey both getting carried and me doing half carry and then just walking (the downside of having an odd number of teammates).
The next mile or so is a mostly uphill run through mud. Lots of mud. Several abandoned shoes were spotted. Halfway through the sole rips off the bottom of Kwark's left boot. He will spend the next 4 miles torturing his foot. Hero Carry ended up being pretty straight forward, with Kwark and Monkey both getting carried and me doing half carry and then just walking (the downside of having an odd number of teammates).
Big Monkey says:
Next was the mud mile. This part of the course would test our resolve and comaraderie. I set off running up the hill and for a bit i adopted the run and wait technique making sure my brothers in arms were ok. Kwark started to lose the sole on his boot then suddenly it ripped off and the next few miles kwark did in one sock and one boot. What a man, what a hero. I knew from this point much encouragement would be needed to get the troops round. we got to the hero carry and being the lightest this was my easiest obstacle with kwark and tofu taking it in turns to carry me down the muddy track.
Next was the mud mile. This part of the course would test our resolve and comaraderie. I set off running up the hill and for a bit i adopted the run and wait technique making sure my brothers in arms were ok. Kwark started to lose the sole on his boot then suddenly it ripped off and the next few miles kwark did in one sock and one boot. What a man, what a hero. I knew from this point much encouragement would be needed to get the troops round. we got to the hero carry and being the lightest this was my easiest obstacle with kwark and tofu taking it in turns to carry me down the muddy track.
Kwark says:
Shortly afterwards came the Electric Eel.
+ Show Spoiler +
I was somewhat nervous about sliding on my stomach through mud with 10,000V wires dangling down unavoidably overhead. While I'd been able to just jump in to the Arctic Enema, avoiding my hesitation, this seemed an even more stupid proposition. However my psyching myself up was ruined when tofu just charged in so I decided I pretty much had to follow. I took a few shocks in the first quarter and then was able to evade a good number of the wires for the middle half. I almost believed I was going to be able to make it through without any more until I got shocked a bunch of times in the final quarter, resulting in an outburst of expletives.
Shortly afterwards came the Electric Eel.
+ Show Spoiler +
Mudders℠ frequently forget about this obstacle since they’re so focused on Electroshock Therapy – but they shouldn’t. Slide on your belly through frigid water or, even worse, a layer of ice and beware of the shocks overhead. Should you try to crawl on your knees, you’ll be smacked with live wires and your body will compulsively contort. Be sure to protect your head, otherwise you might experience what Big Mudder calls a brain reboot.
I was somewhat nervous about sliding on my stomach through mud with 10,000V wires dangling down unavoidably overhead. While I'd been able to just jump in to the Arctic Enema, avoiding my hesitation, this seemed an even more stupid proposition. However my psyching myself up was ruined when tofu just charged in so I decided I pretty much had to follow. I took a few shocks in the first quarter and then was able to evade a good number of the wires for the middle half. I almost believed I was going to be able to make it through without any more until I got shocked a bunch of times in the final quarter, resulting in an outburst of expletives.
Big Monkey says:
Electric eel was next. I was dreading this obstacle. Having an entire metal plated forearm and a metal plate in my mouth i knew this could be bad. there was a plastic wet sheet we had to crawl on covered in electric tentacles. Tofu went through like a boss and me and Kwark just stared at it. I didnt know if either of us would do this one. Kwark started off and on getting shocked started shouting cunt. He was chastised for thsi by a female marshal. I just kept looking. i decided i would have to do it after these manly demonstrations by the 2 brothers and set off. the shocks were worse than i imagined. Every time i got shocked i lost a secon and started shouting just fuck off and leave me alone. no one chastised me like our glorious Hatree leader. we then had to run up and down some small mounds. wasnt really a challenge. we then had dirty ballerina which wasnt the wanton fair maiden i hoped it was but jumping over muddy pits.
Electric eel was next. I was dreading this obstacle. Having an entire metal plated forearm and a metal plate in my mouth i knew this could be bad. there was a plastic wet sheet we had to crawl on covered in electric tentacles. Tofu went through like a boss and me and Kwark just stared at it. I didnt know if either of us would do this one. Kwark started off and on getting shocked started shouting cunt. He was chastised for thsi by a female marshal. I just kept looking. i decided i would have to do it after these manly demonstrations by the 2 brothers and set off. the shocks were worse than i imagined. Every time i got shocked i lost a secon and started shouting just fuck off and leave me alone. no one chastised me like our glorious Hatree leader. we then had to run up and down some small mounds. wasnt really a challenge. we then had dirty ballerina which wasnt the wanton fair maiden i hoped it was but jumping over muddy pits.
Tofucake says:
We hit the Electric Eel. Kwark is about 90% sure he isn't going to do it because electricity is scary when you're not crawling through a tarpaulin lined water pit with 10k volt wires dangling above it. After I dive in Kwark decides he can't not do it now. He gets to the end and shouts "fucking cunt" and gets chastized by the nice lady.
We hit the Electric Eel. Kwark is about 90% sure he isn't going to do it because electricity is scary when you're not crawling through a tarpaulin lined water pit with 10k volt wires dangling above it. After I dive in Kwark decides he can't not do it now. He gets to the end and shouts "fucking cunt" and gets chastized by the nice lady.
Stock picture of Electric Eel. Yeah I can see why Kwark was cursing.
Kwark says:
There was another mile and a half run between Electric Eel and the next obstacle and my boot didn't make it. I was forced to run on the trail in a boot and a sock which very quickly wore through until I was just barefoot. This was rather painful. Fortunately the trail was very churned up by the thousands of people who had gone before us so I was able to run in nice soft mud and only hit rocks occasionally, although generally they were unexpected and unpleasant.
Next came the Dirty Ballerina which was easy enough.
+ Show Spoiler +
As long as you kept your speed up, didn't hesitate and didn't slip on the mud there was no real danger of falling in. No problems there.
Following that came the Human Gecko which the Tough Mudder site has not provided a description of. It's basically a slippery climbing wall that you have to traverse sideways over a pool of muddy water. The footholds were difficult barefoot and I concluded it wasn't happening and let go to fall in and take a mouthful of mud.
There was another mile and a half run between Electric Eel and the next obstacle and my boot didn't make it. I was forced to run on the trail in a boot and a sock which very quickly wore through until I was just barefoot. This was rather painful. Fortunately the trail was very churned up by the thousands of people who had gone before us so I was able to run in nice soft mud and only hit rocks occasionally, although generally they were unexpected and unpleasant.
Next came the Dirty Ballerina which was easy enough.
+ Show Spoiler +
Leap with the grace of a black swan muddily over our 4-foot-wide mud pits. 4 feet may not sound challenging at first, but the tracks of leaping Mudders℠ will erode the mud pits into wide, jagged-edged muddy gaps. Should your inner ballerina stumble, as she often can, you’ll find yourself submerged in a mud pit and calling your teammates for an assist.
As long as you kept your speed up, didn't hesitate and didn't slip on the mud there was no real danger of falling in. No problems there.
Following that came the Human Gecko which the Tough Mudder site has not provided a description of. It's basically a slippery climbing wall that you have to traverse sideways over a pool of muddy water. The footholds were difficult barefoot and I concluded it wasn't happening and let go to fall in and take a mouthful of mud.
Tofucake says:
Now we go downhill some more. We run into an obstacle not on the map which is basically just running up and down some small muddy hillocks. More downhill running. Next is a brief but steep uphill bit, followed by a brief but steep downhill bit. Then there's more downhill. On a nice, wide hill. Then up. Then down. Then up again. And down again. And then up again. This part is torture. Monkey runs ahead to get Firebolt to run back to the car and grab Kwark's spare shoes. Kwark and I manage Dirty Ballerina (jumping over some pits) pretty easily, followed up by Human Gecko, which is some rock wall handholds over a water pit. I got about a quarter of the way accross before running out of usable foot holds.
Now we go downhill some more. We run into an obstacle not on the map which is basically just running up and down some small muddy hillocks. More downhill running. Next is a brief but steep uphill bit, followed by a brief but steep downhill bit. Then there's more downhill. On a nice, wide hill. Then up. Then down. Then up again. And down again. And then up again. This part is torture. Monkey runs ahead to get Firebolt to run back to the car and grab Kwark's spare shoes. Kwark and I manage Dirty Ballerina (jumping over some pits) pretty easily, followed up by Human Gecko, which is some rock wall handholds over a water pit. I got about a quarter of the way accross before running out of usable foot holds.
Stock picture of the Dirty Ballerina.
Stock picture of the Human Gecko.
Big Monkey says:
Next up was Human Gecko, we had to climb over water using rock climbing grips. our heroes did well. even shoeless and eyes missing in the team we carried on. the next part was tough with lots of running up and down hills. Tofu was starting to flag and i had to encourage him on this bit. we reached a compromise. i would allow him to walk the ups and made him run the downs. I ran up and waited then we ran down together. Up and down like yo yos we went. Kwark was bobbing along singing a song with one shoe off and one shoe on. I realised this wasnt going to happen at this pace so i said to Kwark i would run until i got to Firebolt and get him to get Kwarks trainers from car. Off i went. Hilly and climby but at last i was running free like a tiger in the jungle. I got to Firebolt by the hero walls and sent him on a errand for kwarks trainers. So I waited, and waited, and waited. Then I waited some more and after waiting I did more waiting.
Next up was Human Gecko, we had to climb over water using rock climbing grips. our heroes did well. even shoeless and eyes missing in the team we carried on. the next part was tough with lots of running up and down hills. Tofu was starting to flag and i had to encourage him on this bit. we reached a compromise. i would allow him to walk the ups and made him run the downs. I ran up and waited then we ran down together. Up and down like yo yos we went. Kwark was bobbing along singing a song with one shoe off and one shoe on. I realised this wasnt going to happen at this pace so i said to Kwark i would run until i got to Firebolt and get him to get Kwarks trainers from car. Off i went. Hilly and climby but at last i was running free like a tiger in the jungle. I got to Firebolt by the hero walls and sent him on a errand for kwarks trainers. So I waited, and waited, and waited. Then I waited some more and after waiting I did more waiting.
Kwark says:
At this point we discussed my boot situation and Mr Monkey suggested that if he ran on ahead to where the spectators rejoined the route he could find firebolt who could go and get my trainers from the car (along with a contact lense for tofu). This seemed an exceptional idea so off he ran (fucking Iron Man) while tofu and I plodded along. On the way was a field at a fairly steep incline which the route had us meander down, then back up, then down, then back up and some lazy cunts were just cutting across it because apparently they had it in them to go 11.5 miles and cheat their way to the prize but they couldn't do 12, something they knew with absolute certainty 8 miles in. Total bullshit. They could keep going, as evidenced by the fact that they did keep going past that field, they just didn't want to do it.
At this point we discussed my boot situation and Mr Monkey suggested that if he ran on ahead to where the spectators rejoined the route he could find firebolt who could go and get my trainers from the car (along with a contact lense for tofu). This seemed an exceptional idea so off he ran (fucking Iron Man) while tofu and I plodded along. On the way was a field at a fairly steep incline which the route had us meander down, then back up, then down, then back up and some lazy cunts were just cutting across it because apparently they had it in them to go 11.5 miles and cheat their way to the prize but they couldn't do 12, something they knew with absolute certainty 8 miles in. Total bullshit. They could keep going, as evidenced by the fact that they did keep going past that field, they just didn't want to do it.
So yeah, as they mentioned, I went off and did my own little run to get Kwark's shoes and Tofu's contacts. It was a fair few hilly miles to the car and back (I was accompanied for a short while with the earlier-mentioned girl, who embarassingly enough appeared to be far more fit than I was) and I'd write a lot more about how demanding and tiring that run was if it didn't seem like a joke compared to what these other guys were doing. I got back round about the same time as Tofu and Kwark reached the next obstacle.
Kwark says:
Anyway, next was the Hero Walls.
There was also no description of the Hero Walls on the Tough Mudder site but they're pretty much the same as the Berlin Walls which are below.
+ Show Spoiler +
We rejoined Mr Monkey here and he had tofu's contact lenses which firebolt had given to him before he left to get my trainers. There were only two walls and we made it over reasonably easily. We boosted tofu up and then he straddled the wall while I got lifted up. Then, rather than following the plan where we lifted him up from on top of the wall Mr Monkey climbed up one of the buttresses holding the wall up while tofu used the wall to castrate himself. As we made it over the second wall firebolt showed up and I was able to move without pain again. We set off at a jog and firebolt was apparently unable to match our pace down the spectator route because he's a pussy and wanted to chase some girl whose number he failed to get.
Anyway, next was the Hero Walls.
There was also no description of the Hero Walls on the Tough Mudder site but they're pretty much the same as the Berlin Walls which are below.
+ Show Spoiler +
This obstacle relies on teamwork. Scale three 12′ wooden walls with the help of your teammates, strategically placed for when you are at your weakest during the event. While some Mudders℠ have worked up the strength to ascend the walls alone, most need a boost from a fellow Mudder — they got your back, literally.
We rejoined Mr Monkey here and he had tofu's contact lenses which firebolt had given to him before he left to get my trainers. There were only two walls and we made it over reasonably easily. We boosted tofu up and then he straddled the wall while I got lifted up. Then, rather than following the plan where we lifted him up from on top of the wall Mr Monkey climbed up one of the buttresses holding the wall up while tofu used the wall to castrate himself. As we made it over the second wall firebolt showed up and I was able to move without pain again. We set off at a jog and firebolt was apparently unable to match our pace down the spectator route because he's a pussy and wanted to chase some girl whose number he failed to get.
Tofucake says:
Another mile of running over rocky paths. We arrive at the Hero Walls where we wait for Firebolt. When he gets back, Kwark gets his shoes and I get a spare set of contacts. We then set off to get over the Hero Walls. Wall 1 goes simply enough: Kwark and Monkey shove me up, then I help pull up Kwark, then Monkey leaps the wall in a single bound. After a short rest and some strategizing, we find a new way up the wall in which we cheat by climing the support posts. At this point I need to get down and I don't want to jump on the post because that would be bad. So I lift myself up and slide back, promptly slamming my nuts into the top of the wall. After Kwark and Monkey stop laughing and some feeling returns, we go about wall 3 and clear it easily. A bit of running later, we arrive at the cage crawls. These are very easy, though I do lose a contact again.
Another mile of running over rocky paths. We arrive at the Hero Walls where we wait for Firebolt. When he gets back, Kwark gets his shoes and I get a spare set of contacts. We then set off to get over the Hero Walls. Wall 1 goes simply enough: Kwark and Monkey shove me up, then I help pull up Kwark, then Monkey leaps the wall in a single bound. After a short rest and some strategizing, we find a new way up the wall in which we cheat by climing the support posts. At this point I need to get down and I don't want to jump on the post because that would be bad. So I lift myself up and slide back, promptly slamming my nuts into the top of the wall. After Kwark and Monkey stop laughing and some feeling returns, we go about wall 3 and clear it easily. A bit of running later, we arrive at the cage crawls. These are very easy, though I do lose a contact again.
Pit stop of sorts for shoes and contacts
Big Monkey says:
We would do these hero walls. big high things as the other ones. No one though expected Tofu to sit on his nuts and it added to the comedy. we managed to get on to cage crawl without any more dramas. tofu now had eyes, and kwark now had trainers. on we go.
We would do these hero walls. big high things as the other ones. No one though expected Tofu to sit on his nuts and it added to the comedy. we managed to get on to cage crawl without any more dramas. tofu now had eyes, and kwark now had trainers. on we go.
Kwark says:
Meanwhile we made it to the Cage Crawl.
+ Show Spoiler +
This was probably quite difficult if you don't like confined spaces because you had to pull yourself along on your back with just inches of breathing room between the ceiling of the cage and water level. Honestly if you did panic or get into trouble down there I have no clue what they'd do to stop you drowning, probably have a staff member go through, haul you out and resuscitate you. I guess that's why they have you sign a death waiver. Anyway, if you didn't have a problem with it it was actually really easy, just pull yourself along the roof of the cage with your arms while your body is dragged along weightlessly in the water. No troubles there.
Meanwhile we made it to the Cage Crawl.
+ Show Spoiler +
This obstacle will take your fear of confined spaces and water and combine them. Flip over on your back and pull yourself across 60 feet of cage with only 6 inches of breathing room. Floating along on your back may seem like a tranquil experience, but the sense of entrapment will quickly begin to play on your mind.
This was probably quite difficult if you don't like confined spaces because you had to pull yourself along on your back with just inches of breathing room between the ceiling of the cage and water level. Honestly if you did panic or get into trouble down there I have no clue what they'd do to stop you drowning, probably have a staff member go through, haul you out and resuscitate you. I guess that's why they have you sign a death waiver. Anyway, if you didn't have a problem with it it was actually really easy, just pull yourself along the roof of the cage with your arms while your body is dragged along weightlessly in the water. No troubles there.
Tofucake says:
A bit of running later, we arrive at the cage crawls. These are very easy, though I do lose a contact again.
A bit of running later, we arrive at the cage crawls. These are very easy, though I do lose a contact again.
Big Monkey says:
cage crawl was exactly that, crawling through water on our backs under metal cages. Then we had to wade through a river washing our hatree t shirts in the process. Onto Boa constrictor crawling through plastic tubes and under barbed wire.
cage crawl was exactly that, crawling through water on our backs under metal cages. Then we had to wade through a river washing our hatree t shirts in the process. Onto Boa constrictor crawling through plastic tubes and under barbed wire.
The refreshing river they had to cross.
Kwark says:
Shortly afterwards came the Boa Constrictor.
+ Show Spoiler +
The pipe was too small to push yourself along with your legs so on the incline the idea was you try and grip it with your fingertips and haul yourself upwards. Unfortunately I lacked the upper body strength to overcome the friction of my entire body lying on my front so I turned onto my back, bent my knees as much as I was able, dug my heels in and pushed myself upwards. I repeated that motion until I saw daylight and then got my fingers on the lip of the pipe and pulled myself out.
Shortly afterwards came the Boa Constrictor.
+ Show Spoiler +
If you don’t like small spaces, this obstacle will be a challenge for you. Crawl through a series of pipes that force you on a downhill into some freezing mud, then a slippery uphill climb to the other side. Your legs will be useless in the narrow confines of the Boa, so use your arms to pull yourself through this obstacle. There really is light at the end of the tunnel.
The pipe was too small to push yourself along with your legs so on the incline the idea was you try and grip it with your fingertips and haul yourself upwards. Unfortunately I lacked the upper body strength to overcome the friction of my entire body lying on my front so I turned onto my back, bent my knees as much as I was able, dug my heels in and pushed myself upwards. I repeated that motion until I saw daylight and then got my fingers on the lip of the pipe and pulled myself out.
Tofucake says:
Another quarter mile of running. I hate running. I never want to run again. Boa Constrictor time. We all get through pretty easily, with Kwark and I having the same idea of doing the upside bit on our backs. I really scrape up my arms on the down side of it.
Another quarter mile of running. I hate running. I never want to run again. Boa Constrictor time. We all get through pretty easily, with Kwark and I having the same idea of doing the upside bit on our backs. I really scrape up my arms on the down side of it.
One...
Two...
Three!
And off they go.
Kwark says:
After another mile of half jogging, half walking came Walk The Plank.
+ Show Spoiler +
I'm not especially comfortable with heights so I didn't linger at the top. The moment I made it up to the platform I just thought "fuck it" and jumped in, swallowing about a pint of muddy water at the bottom as I didn't think to close my mouth and hold my nose. We were soaked again but only about a mile and a half from the end at this point so we pressed on.
After another mile of half jogging, half walking came Walk The Plank.
+ Show Spoiler +
Test your fear of heights and cold all in one with our 15+ foot high jump into freezing water. Mudders℠ like to display their fancy diving skills (or belly-flops) at this obstacle. Don’t spend too much time pondering your leap – Marines at the top of the platform will chew you out, or worse, push you into the freezing depths below.
I'm not especially comfortable with heights so I didn't linger at the top. The moment I made it up to the platform I just thought "fuck it" and jumped in, swallowing about a pint of muddy water at the bottom as I didn't think to close my mouth and hold my nose. We were soaked again but only about a mile and a half from the end at this point so we pressed on.
Big Monkey says:
Then we had walk the plank which we climbed up a high tower. i ran on climbed the tower and waited for the brothers. Tofu climbs and jumps on his own. I said thanks for waiting i thought we were jumping together.
Then we had walk the plank which we climbed up a high tower. i ran on climbed the tower and waited for the brothers. Tofu climbs and jumps on his own. I said thanks for waiting i thought we were jumping together.
Tofucake says:
A half mile of running later we hit Walk the Plank. I get up top last and just walk off. Monkey was expecting me to wait apparently and was thoroughly disappointed that I jumped immediately.
A half mile of running later we hit Walk the Plank. I get up top last and just walk off. Monkey was expecting me to wait apparently and was thoroughly disappointed that I jumped immediately.
The next obstacle, Everest.
Kwark says:
The next obstacle was the first one I was legitimately worried I wouldn't be able to do. The rest had mostly been physical challenges with a forfeit (generally mud) if you fail or just unpleasant stuff which, if you want it badly enough, you can do. But Everest was a pass/fail obstacle.
+ Show Spoiler +
To get to the top you'd need the help of your team, a fair bit of strength and a lot of explosive energy. People could help you but you'd need to run straight at it with a sprint and after three hours of exhausting obstacles I wasn't sure I could do it. Mr Monkey went first and got a hand up from the people already at the top. I followed and as I ran at it my body went numb and I managed a sprint I didn't know I had in me, my legs carrying on with it without involving my mind's feelings of exhaustion. As I got as high as I was going to make it and leaped I was unable to get my fingers on the top but the guys up there grabbed hold of me and would not let go. In my head I was sure I hadn't made it and was about to fall back down but a dozen hands had hold of me and just hauled me up the last few feet, I was up.
I wasn't much use in getting tofu up, the lads at the top were stronger and had more energy than I and honestly I felt it would be counterproductive to insist on offering him my hand when I'd be hurting his chances of getting up out of my own ego. I did at one point take my shirt off to use it as a makeshift rope but he made it up on his next attempt anyway so it didn't get used.
The next obstacle was the first one I was legitimately worried I wouldn't be able to do. The rest had mostly been physical challenges with a forfeit (generally mud) if you fail or just unpleasant stuff which, if you want it badly enough, you can do. But Everest was a pass/fail obstacle.
+ Show Spoiler +
Snowboarders and skate boarders have the half-pipe. Mudders have a real obstacle: Everest. A quarter-pipe that you’ll have to sprint up and enlist the help of other Mudders℠ to hurl you over this beastly summit. Everest is coated in mud and grease, a combination which will likely send you right back from where you came. Call upon other Mudders to catch you as you run up the quarter-pipe or work together to form a human chain so that you can scale someone’s shoulders to finally summit Everest.
To get to the top you'd need the help of your team, a fair bit of strength and a lot of explosive energy. People could help you but you'd need to run straight at it with a sprint and after three hours of exhausting obstacles I wasn't sure I could do it. Mr Monkey went first and got a hand up from the people already at the top. I followed and as I ran at it my body went numb and I managed a sprint I didn't know I had in me, my legs carrying on with it without involving my mind's feelings of exhaustion. As I got as high as I was going to make it and leaped I was unable to get my fingers on the top but the guys up there grabbed hold of me and would not let go. In my head I was sure I hadn't made it and was about to fall back down but a dozen hands had hold of me and just hauled me up the last few feet, I was up.
I wasn't much use in getting tofu up, the lads at the top were stronger and had more energy than I and honestly I felt it would be counterproductive to insist on offering him my hand when I'd be hurting his chances of getting up out of my own ego. I did at one point take my shirt off to use it as a makeshift rope but he made it up on his next attempt anyway so it didn't get used.
Tofucake says:
We run about another three quarters of a mile and hit Everest. Kwark and Monkey get up almost immediately. I have some trouble on this one. I thought I would have it on my 3rd attempt, but my toe caught on a bit of the padding which was upturned and I slammed face first into the wall. After that team South Africa showed up and we spent 20 minutes helping the paraplegic girl get up the wall by means of a lot of people standing on each others' shoulders. After she gets up, I finally get my ass up there and get hauled up by 6 people. Turn around, help the last guy from their team get up, and we get a picture. We help her down.
We run about another three quarters of a mile and hit Everest. Kwark and Monkey get up almost immediately. I have some trouble on this one. I thought I would have it on my 3rd attempt, but my toe caught on a bit of the padding which was upturned and I slammed face first into the wall. After that team South Africa showed up and we spent 20 minutes helping the paraplegic girl get up the wall by means of a lot of people standing on each others' shoulders. After she gets up, I finally get my ass up there and get hauled up by 6 people. Turn around, help the last guy from their team get up, and we get a picture. We help her down.
Big Monkey says:
Next was an obstacle that added something to my life and to a degree changed me. it was a 15 ft high half pipe which i ran up grabbed someones arm and they pulled me up. Next kwark came and got up next came tofu and we couldnt get him up the wall for a while. Then a lady in a wheel chair came and she had been on the course for 7 hours doing all the obstacles with a team. I was struck by the courage of this lady. Her team made a human ladder for her to climb and she started climbing up the ladder of people to get to the top. she was reaching out, i grabbed her hand, I was so moved by this lady I had tears in my eyes. As she hung on i knew i couldnt pull her up on my own and called for help. I had a bar underneath me and i felt my ribs go in(later it checks out i broke 2 ribs here) she was up. Next was Tofu to come up cheered on by the crowd. Like a hero he made it.
Next was an obstacle that added something to my life and to a degree changed me. it was a 15 ft high half pipe which i ran up grabbed someones arm and they pulled me up. Next kwark came and got up next came tofu and we couldnt get him up the wall for a while. Then a lady in a wheel chair came and she had been on the course for 7 hours doing all the obstacles with a team. I was struck by the courage of this lady. Her team made a human ladder for her to climb and she started climbing up the ladder of people to get to the top. she was reaching out, i grabbed her hand, I was so moved by this lady I had tears in my eyes. As she hung on i knew i couldnt pull her up on my own and called for help. I had a bar underneath me and i felt my ribs go in(later it checks out i broke 2 ribs here) she was up. Next was Tofu to come up cheered on by the crowd. Like a hero he made it.
Big Monkey and Kwark making it up.
The lady none of us will forget.
The moment none of us will forget.
And Tofucake rounds up the lot!
Kwark says:
From then on it was just a short jog to the end with just Electroshock Therapy between us and a cold pint.
+ Show Spoiler +
By the time you're there you're 12 miles deep and basically done so you have to keep going, it's unavoidable. We ran on through, got shocked a bunch of times and it was over. Shirts and headbands and great success.
From then on it was just a short jog to the end with just Electroshock Therapy between us and a cold pint.
+ Show Spoiler +
Sprint through a field of live wires — some carrying as much as 10,000 volts of electric shock. Watch out for hay bales and deep mud, or you will face-plant into some electrifying mud. Some Mudders℠ try to stealthily wind their way through the wires without getting shocked, while others barrel forward to get through as quickly as possible. Either way, you are guaranteed to get zapped with as much as 10,000 volts of electricity and it does NOT tickle. This is always the last obstacle Mudders must overcome before they cross the finish line.
By the time you're there you're 12 miles deep and basically done so you have to keep going, it's unavoidable. We ran on through, got shocked a bunch of times and it was over. Shirts and headbands and great success.
Tofucake says:
Then Mity Hattree decides not to steal their thunder on Electroshock Therapy so we hurry ahead (it's only a little ways ahead). We run through it together to finish at a time of 4:40. We would have been faster if not for my slow ass.
Then Mity Hattree decides not to steal their thunder on Electroshock Therapy so we hurry ahead (it's only a little ways ahead). We run through it together to finish at a time of 4:40. We would have been faster if not for my slow ass.
Big Monkey says:
As we got to the bottom i said lets go so we dont take the womans thunder and let her take all the acclaim she deserved. We ran through the last electric obstacle which for me was bad again and crossed the line. We had done it. Immortalised forever.
As we got to the bottom i said lets go so we dont take the womans thunder and let her take all the acclaim she deserved. We ran through the last electric obstacle which for me was bad again and crossed the line. We had done it. Immortalised forever.
The final obstacle.
The three legends and their crowns.
And a plate of chips as their reward!
Tofucake says:
We grab some food (I'm starving), skip showers, and head directly back to the car to change, as we need to get Firebolt back to Bristol for his train and we have very little time to do it. He ends up missing the train by just a couple minutes, and then he and Kwark head off to Kwark's for the night and I don't know what happened. Monkey drops me off at my hostel and I limp in, browse TL a bit, watch some TV, then pass out for 11 hours. I write this now from a nice room in the Marriott where I recover in luxury. At about 1pm on Tuesday, I head to London, then to places unknown (Berlin and Stockholm).
We grab some food (I'm starving), skip showers, and head directly back to the car to change, as we need to get Firebolt back to Bristol for his train and we have very little time to do it. He ends up missing the train by just a couple minutes, and then he and Kwark head off to Kwark's for the night and I don't know what happened. Monkey drops me off at my hostel and I limp in, browse TL a bit, watch some TV, then pass out for 11 hours. I write this now from a nice room in the Marriott where I recover in luxury. At about 1pm on Tuesday, I head to London, then to places unknown (Berlin and Stockholm).
Kwark says:
Unfortunately we'd failed to book a hostel in Bristol for ourselves due to poor logistics and firebolt missed his train by 3 minutes which sucked balls. He was forced to come home with me and meet my dog and go home in the morning. Still, a good day was had by all.
Unfortunately we'd failed to book a hostel in Bristol for ourselves due to poor logistics and firebolt missed his train by 3 minutes which sucked balls. He was forced to come home with me and meet my dog and go home in the morning. Still, a good day was had by all.
And that was all. The end of a day that will stay in our memories for a very long time, a day when three gamers achieved an incredible goal that none of us initially thought possible.
Who knows, someday we may do one of these again. Perhaps some of you will join us?
Gallery