EPTSo, after doing the first couple issues of the e-magazine, I started writing a third edition around the time the HoTS beta was going on, or somewhere close to there, if I'm not mistaken. Obviously, a lot has changed since then; the whole patchzerg thing has died, and World of Tanks didn't quite make it as an eSport. So, finishing the issue would be kind of frivolous in my opinion because all of the jokes are outdated, and they would be mixed with a bunch of new jokes. The issue of what constituted an eSport was a topic that was sort of going around on the forums, so I kind of wanted to write something semi-humorous about that. I like taking current topics on TL for GGEsports to parody so that it's not just a bunch of random inside jokes that nobody understands, so obviously, staying current makes sense if this is my approach.
Most of the topics I pick up are just ones I find funny, and I'm not trying to diss people by making fun of them. For example, 'balance whine' just seems like a part of competitive games where there are different classes of any element of play that cannot be accessed by every player. But I get it. Almost paradoxically, the very games that are meant to be fun are some of the biggest sources of frustration for the people playing them. That frustration is only exacerbated when the game's "experts" declare a disparity in some element of the game's balance, which lends credence to the idea that losing is not the player's fault, but that the game can be faulted. This is a Pandora's Box that cannot be closed anymore. No matter how many changes that will be subsequently made to StarCraft 2, there will be a large number of users who will be dissatisfied by the game's balance (or lack thereof) and will quit playing until their perceived problems are remedied. This seems to be a bigger issue today (as opposed to when the original inception of gge 3 was being written) with the release of HoTS and subsequent changes to units like Hellbats to further attempt to "fix" the game.
I don't want to seem mean, but since SC2 is not my cup of tea, the alterations to the play don't affect me. They do, however, affect the careers and legacies of professional gamers, who see drastic changes in their win-loss ratio due to factors that they have no control over. That, to me, is a travesty. I'm not suggesting that anyone grab their pitchforks and torches and go over to Blizzard headquarters, but to have a very sober look at where the professionalism in the game will be in a few years if professional gamers cannot make a living playing the game because the game's creators change very fundamental elements of play periodically. I don't expect very many people to step back and look at this issue with an unbiased mentality, because so many people are very emotionally invested in the game and the idea of eSports. I get that. E-Sports represents something computer-savvy users have wanted (or maybe not, it depends on the person) which is mainstream acceptance. The idea that you can make a living playing computer games, doing what you love, having your parents accept your passion, having your friends think you're cool for playing - these are all very enticing thoughts, but can't exist if there is no future in eSports. At the moment, there is absolutely no guarantee of financial security when playing a game like StarCraft 2. Some people may disagree with me and say "Well, so and so is making x dollars", but for how long? What if Blizzard nerfs that player's go-to strategy and they never win another championship? It's a big "if", but it's a Damocles' Sword that hangs over everyone playing for their life right now.
I personally would love to see people come play StarCraft: BroodWar. I don't wish anyone else ill in doing so, but it was difficult to see people applaud the downfall of BroodWar in Korea for the sake of StarCraft 2. I don't feel like SC2 is anywhere close to being "dead", but seeing players switching to LoL, or back to BW makes me secretly happy. Honestly though, I don't understand why people feel like they can ONLY play one game. I want people to come play BroodWar, because it's an amazing game, and there's nothing else like it. I've played WoL and enjoyed it (the game itself, not so much the fans who complain about everything and say 'bw needs to just die already') and I've also had some semi-enjoyable moments playing LoL. I didn't purchase HoTS right away because I wanted to wait and see what the critical response to the game would be, and the response was not very generous, to say the least, so perhaps I made the right choice. I really love the Zerg-heart logo, though. It's really cute. I don't know - I have really mixed emotions about SC2, because I know if people gave BroodWar a chance, they'd absolutely love it, but I know other games like SC2 and LoL are basically monopolizing the play-time of nearly everyone who plays competitive RTS games.
The worst thing is that feeling when you realize that nothing lasts forever. It's one of those unavoidable grim realities that just slap you in the face when you realize that on the internet, companies pop up and die like flowers. There were really fun chatrooms on AOL, for example, and now they're all empty. There were some cool message board sites I used to visit that are long-gone. The huge Myspace empire has come and gone. I find it also astonishing that some brands continue to persist, and how some of the biggest name-brands on the internet have crumbled to dust. The past suggests that BroodWar will not revive, that SC2 will actually really die at some point, and that LoL could just be a flash in the pan, and could be just as dead as Halo 2 in a couple of years. LoL has imitators popping up left and right, and it's not inconceivable that their monopoly on team games will end, and the fanbase will split over a bunch of LoL knock-offs.
I know first-hand that being involved in a competitive gaming community can be discouraging if you see that community that you love shrinking. The market for games is constantly changing and it can be difficult to maintain a fanbase, especially when it becomes factionalized between "hardcore" players who want a very high skill-ceiling, and marketers who want to make it easier to become good at the game by making it more accessible to casual gamers and noobies. That's the sort of thing that will tear a community apart if not resolved quickly, and it's disheartening. So as far as eSports go, I think it's really good to sometimes just get away from it all. It's great to just go out to a movie, or go on a date, or look a beautiful painting in a museum, or go hiking down a nature trail, and especially to laugh. That's why I wrote GGEsports 1 and 2, and also this. I just really love making people laugh and be happy. Being able to laugh at eSports doesn't take anything away from being passionate about it, in fact, it does the opposite by taking the stress out of it, and putting things into perspective. I know not everyone understands my sense of humor, or finds it at all funny, but I'm okay with that. I'll just keep doing the best I can to make you smile, so I sincerely hope you enjoy the 2.5 issue. 감사합니다
Giggly Girl E-SPORTS, volume 2.5
"내 거시기가 꺼져 떨어지려고 생각합니다. 난 그냥 생선과 섹스를 했어요."
~ ancient Korean Proverb
Letter From The Editor
Begrüßung, miststück! Hello, family, friends, fans! Hi mom! It looks like the Mayans are liars. They told us the world would end on December 21st, 2012, and we're in 2013 right now. Literally. I even bought an underground bunker, and stockpiled stuffed animals, such as bunnies, teddy bears, squirrels, kitties, puppies, penguins, and lobsters. For drinks, I didn't buy water, because water tastes bad, so I stocked up on 500 gallons of Stolichnaya Vodka, made in the motherland itself. For food, I just planned to use a harpoon to hunt wolfs. As you may very know (I hope), wolf-meat gives you superhuman powers, such as the power to whistle really loud, and the power to tie really complicated knots.
So anyway, I'm really happy that you're reading this, and I think it's really cool. I worked pretty hard on this, so it's pretty nice. Yeah, thanks for reading this. It's good. I remember this one time, I was listening to Woody's Yoc-Influenced mixtape (before the government killed him, as he knew too much about that thing we're not supposed to talk about) while I was smoking a substantial amount of PCP, and I was watching The Wizard of Oz simultaneously, and it was really trippy, dude. Like, the movie synced up perfectly with what I was listening to and I realized that the Earth is like a grain of sand, and we're grains of sand on a grain of sand, then I blacked out and threw up all over my cat. The point of this story is that I hope you have a similar experience while reading this latest edition of Giggly Girl ESPORTS, although, you have to keep in mind, this edition is probably going to suck. Think about Spiderman 3. Think about the third Matrix movie. Think about Kill Bill Volume 3. They all were terrible, so considering that this is the third issue, it's probably not going to be up to snuff.
I can't guarantee to deliver cuddliness or cuteness, either. I just can't. You might as well just stop reading right now, because there's no point any more. I think we peaked in the last issue, and we can only go downhill from there, and our secretary, Helen, got really depressed and stayed in her apartment for 2 months, eating nothing but sherbert. MondayMorningWarlock demanded the writing staff produce material, but they just shrugged sadly and informed us that they would have to copy jokes from popular television shows. Upon hearing this, I slammed my cup of coffee and said "Well shit! If you guys can't write anything useful, then in my Letter From The Editor intro, I am going to diss you all so bad. You are going to get roasted SO HARD. Your assholes will never be the same after this shit."
So, MaxTerran, you are a whiner and the reason you lose games isn't because of imbalance, it's because you suck at StarCraft. Lacuna eats cereal without milk, and that's retarded. McLemonadeStand, you disgust me; I don't know why, but your face is ugly. Luigikart, you smell bad. StOp[kOny], you are a disappointment to all of us, and should pay your ex-wife some damn child support. RapidRappingRabidRabbit, you need to clip your fingernails, because they are slightly too long for office policy to tolerate. Helen, you vindictive fucking piece of slutfuck, I would call you a whore, but that would be bringing you up to their level. You are below whores. You are below the excrement of sea creatures that live super-deep in the ocean. Everything about you is an obscene scream from the forces of nature that God made a mistake, and therefore, the universe should not even exist because you are so fucking disgusting that it might cause existence itself to cease, and I'm not even joking. Finally, Atlas[Mouse], you are fired, you piece of shit. Take your jars full of boogers and get out my building.
Club Penguin: The Next ESPORT?
by McLemonadeStand
There is a lot of speculation from unknown sources that the popular children's role-playing game, Club Penguin, may emerge as the next big ESPORT in the ESPORTS scene. Developed by Disney, and released in 2005, this high-octane MMORPG boasts an impressive depth to it's gameplay, twisting storyline, and mind-bending strategy. The game that declares "Waddle around and meet new friends" certainly is making many friends within the ESPORTS community, who see the competitive nature of Club Penguin as a potentially multi-trillion-dollar industry. Although the Teamliquid.net staff denies that TL.net may give Club Penguin it's own section and cover Club Penguin tournaments and events on the front page, we should never rule it out of the realm of possibility. Already, this game is vastly popular in the Commonwealth of Independent States and the Republic of Korea, with almost 19 billion players in each country respectively, the craze sweeping the globe may inevitably reign supreme in the ESPORTS market after replacing LoL, Dota2, and SC2 as the rulers of the universe. Many professional teams, such as Evil Geniuses and ROOT Gaming are already making the transition over to Club Penguin, with big names such as IdrA, HuK, Stephano, Taeja, and many more secretly practicing Club Penguin. When asked about Club Penguin, Greg 'IdrA' Fields just walked away from the microphone without even saying anything.
Infestors Are So Fucking Imbalanced
by MaxTerran
Playing Terran in SC2 is fucking disgusting. Zerg is just fucking disgusting. I'm not even sure what David Kim and Dustin Browder were thinking when they designed this game, but I'm pretty they were really, really high on meth and having a money fight (which is like a fucking snowball fight, but you throw money stacks at each other) and saying "How can we make this fucking game as fucking nooby as possible?" and then they fucking decided to fuck Terran over so fucking hard that I'm never going to be able to sit down properly again. Let explain what the holy flying fuck I'm talking about. First, you have this goddamn fucking bullshit Queen buff which makes Zergs not afraid to just go ahead and take five bases right away without worrying about, I dunno, fucking aggression. Then, they just fucking sit there for 15 minutes, get Infestors and kill your army, and there's not a fucking thing you can do about that shit. Fungal Growth just wrecks any prospect of you being able to do shit about anything and fuckin' infested terrans just blow everything up, and have a fucking huge area of effect that makes nukes look like firecrackers. That shit is so goddamn stupid, it's no wonder 99% of the players are Zerg now, and all the up-and-comers are fucking Zergs, fucking duh! Regardless of this fucking fucking fucking bullfuck cumstain asswipe shitnipple of a broken game, I'm going to continue playing, because I have too much dignity to quit in the face of Zerg bullshit. Patchzerg patchzerg patchzerg.
Editor note: If you read this and felt bad for MaxTerran, don't worry. About 20 minutes after writing this article, he went beserk and ran off and ended up in a local mall, where he met a beautiful girlfriend, and they have been going out for about three weeks now. He has not touched SC2 since.
Pictures of IdrA Smiling
by SmileCosmic
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OMG CUDDLYSTARCRAFT REAVERS SO ADORABLE OMG <33333
by SmileCosmic
I know we've been promising cuddly reavers for a long time now, but I lied. Like most major corporations, I made a projection and reported it in advance, which I don't feel bad about, because if it's good enough for Enron (rmbr dat?), it's good enough for me. As a bonus, I am releasing a montage of cuddly StarCraftness. Enjoy this toe-curling adorableness.
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/bsbNXCu.jpg)
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EEE 2013 Financial Pyramid Collapses
by SmileCosmic
Shock and awe rocketed through the Teamliquid community last Thursday, when the company that won the award for "North America's Most Innovative Corporate Entity Thing", EywaSC, filed for bankruptcy, when it's founder and CEO, Eywa reported that company netted exactly zero dollars in profit over 2012; far short of their target goal of 100,000 dollars. When asked what went wrong, Eywa replied, "Here at EywaSC, we strive to excel at synergizing excellence and committment to goal-oriented directives, but we had inadequate resources to materialize our initial projection. We employed one associate, and he was unresponsive in his committment to quality control packaging of our pokemon card venture. Let me perfectly clear: this is, in no way, is my fault at all. I know I promised to do many amazing things for the BroodWar community. That was a lie. I totally got you guys. You should've seen the look on your faces - it was priceless. Some very inconsequential and completely trivial critics, such as that bitch whore fuckface NinaZerg, whom I am most certainly not afraid to play against in BroodWar, have asserted that I should have acquired the money before making the announcement that I had the money. Obviously, such people are imbeciles, because that's not how business is conducted."
"To start a successful business, you need two things: 1) 700 dollars from your dad to start the business, and 2) Balls. What I did took enormous, huge, hairy, plucked-goose-flesh, veiny balls. Unfortunately, the community failed me, not the other way around. They should have rallied around me and supported my self-sponsored Euro LAN, and the fact that I didn't get massive support is a worse failure of BroodWar players than my projection that I would acquire 100,000 dollars through pokemon cards." It should be pointed out, however, that the Euro LAN was essentially an enormous bluff, but unfortunately, even dumb fat Americans could read his p-p-pokerface.
The scheme worked like this: EywaSC employees would travel to Pokemon Stadium 2 LANs, and sell Pokemon Cards. After hustling enough little kids, they would make a net profit of like 100 dollars. That means they would only have to attend 1,000 events, or around 3 per day, for 300 days, and voila. The flaw in this plan came out of the closet when EywaSC failed to acquire any Pokemon cards for sales, did not research or locate any venues for sales, did not factor in travel expenses, food costs, commission fees, the possibility of a wolf attacking their SUV, or anything in general. Also, after acquiring only one volunteer employee, EywaSC made the fatal mistake of pissing him off, and shifting the blame for the entire enterprise onto that one employee, who subsequently quit. It was not long before a Hitler's Downfall-esque scene took place, pen-throwing and all, with Eywa shouting at his generals in German about how everyone had betrayed him.
EywaSC has shifted it's attention to DotA2, and hosting tournaments in that scene, so if you play DotA2 or know anyone who does, you should probably let them know to steer clear of that.
iCCup Suddenly Goes Down Due to Spilled Coffee
by RapidRabidRappingRabbit
SIBERIA, RUSSIA - Somewhere out in the waist-high snow of the Siberian forests, the bold Russian Unk has returned to his wooden cabin, with a freshly-killed bear slumped over one shoulder, and a huge log for firewood over the other. He drops the bear onto the snow-covered ground, and removes his jacket. It is far too warm for a true Russian - a boiling -20°C - so he sweats, but it is a manly sweat. Unk unsheathes his pocket knife, and opens the bear's belly, reaches in, and pulls out a fresh bear heart, which he takes an enormous bite out of. Suddenly, a wolf appears, smelling the bear meat, the greedy wolf wants some of Unk's bear meat! Unk smiles and hurls his axe with insane accuracy, and it's blade strikes the wolf in the ribs, causing the wolf to run at full speed through the woods in retreat, with the axe still protruding from it's side.
Unk is a true Russian. Every morning, he drinks vodka and eats a bear. He has a picture of Vladimir Putin by his computer monitor, which always gives him inspiration and energy through the hard times. He brings many beautiful women to his cabin and has sex with them. However, despite his strength, which has helped to build the strongest nation on the globe, approximately last Thursday, he made a small mistake: he accidentally spilled his coffee into the iCCup servers, causing them to catch on fire, and one of them actually exploded. Unk looked at the servers, and commented on the situation by saying "Oops! Xexexe."
Meanwhile, millions of iCCup users instantly lost their accounts, and demanded answers. When asked why this situation had happened, Yelloant gave this statement: "Why not?"
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/ugJYtLN.jpg)
Sir, are you aware that you are a cat?
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Nick Plott getting ready to cast World of Tanks:
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Raven drew it, not me:
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/R5tDEMx.png)
The end.
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