EPTThis became a really long rant. I've tried to make this less painful to read by spoilering some of the stuff that's just me rambling my heart out. If you want more back story and details you can read those, even if some of the information is given twice.
+ Show Spoiler +
Okay. So I just started university one year ago, and she is about to end her third year and write her bachelor. I started talking to her at a school party and it turned out that she really likes Korea (we both study about subjects regarding Asia and Korea is my favorite, so I focus mainly on Korea.)
I knew her already, but hadn't thought about approaching her, mainly because I'm very deep in my studies and don't really have time for a girlfriend. So I was usually just having fun with the girls met and didn't try to make anything out of it.
She was looking for people who were going to Korea, mainly because she's great at getting contacts and wanted to take two semesters at a Korean university, at the same time I and my classmates were going to Korea. So she invited me to come make some Korean dinner, and we invited another girl from my class, which gave me the impression that she simply getting some contacts, nothing more.
But since I'm the only outgoing person who studies Korean (sounds a little harsh, but we are few, and most of them are very introverted) We simply ended up being really good friends. Eating together, studying together and watching movies/series together, we simply have a lot in common when it comes to interests. She has been to Asia many times and speaks fluent Chinese, plus she know a lot about Asia in general (she's been to Korea 5 times! And that's not even her focus!) She's so much further and more mature than I am, so I figured I was lucky to know her, especially when she's going to Korea at the same time as me and she has so many contacts I can leech of her.
Now I'm very open about pretty much everything, so we got rather close pretty fast, (we've been friends now for a little more than 2 months) talked about pretty much everything. Ranging from history, to sex, to all the things we find interesting about Asia and back to issues about family and friends. She seems to not have much self esteem, so I did gets signals from her that she was attracted to me, or so I thought at least.
One day after we had been studying, we went to her place to relax a bit and watch and episode or two of a series. We drank some wine and had a great time. Now we were both sitting right up and against each other and touching, now I was thinking "well screw it, I'm going to kiss her" since I and her had had some wine it seemed all great. But here I fuck up. I don't think I'm all that bad with girls, usually I know when the time is right and I go for it. But the truth is, I've never been with a girl I had actual feelings about or had a close friendship with before. I have had girlfriends, but It was mostly just for the sex and the security and warmth of being in a relationship. Suddenly I was here, I really care about her and I don't want to fuck it up, but I was certain the right thing to do was kiss her. All these feelings of insecurity came rushing and my hands went cold and I ended up not doing it and missing the chance.
Since then we haven't been talking a lot and I panic over ridiculous shit like her not writing smilies and being slow at replying. She's told me she didn't want a clingy guy on her, but still I can't help fucking writing her every day! And i don't even know what to write! I write the stupidest shit.
It's clear to me after that day that I have fallen completely in love with her and I'm thinking of these scenarios.
Best scenario: She feels the same way I do, and is sad and maybe feels let down that I didn't manage to man up and kiss her. Reason she's being cold over the phone is that I'm being overly dramatic, she's busy (even though she's pretty much done with this semester and hasn't started full time work yet) or she just doesn't know what to say since I've been acting weird. Now I don't get why a girl like her would be into me, except for low self esteem, which I really don't think is a great thing to start a relationship on.
What I think is the most likely scenario: She doesn't feel the same way as I do. If I tell her how I feel, she will be understanding and maybe it will even become closer through that.
My biggest fear: I messed up bad. She knows I came on to her and never wanted that, now she's annoyed and thinks I'm just another guy going after her for sex. Meaning our friendship is fucked and so am I.
I knew her already, but hadn't thought about approaching her, mainly because I'm very deep in my studies and don't really have time for a girlfriend. So I was usually just having fun with the girls met and didn't try to make anything out of it.
She was looking for people who were going to Korea, mainly because she's great at getting contacts and wanted to take two semesters at a Korean university, at the same time I and my classmates were going to Korea. So she invited me to come make some Korean dinner, and we invited another girl from my class, which gave me the impression that she simply getting some contacts, nothing more.
But since I'm the only outgoing person who studies Korean (sounds a little harsh, but we are few, and most of them are very introverted) We simply ended up being really good friends. Eating together, studying together and watching movies/series together, we simply have a lot in common when it comes to interests. She has been to Asia many times and speaks fluent Chinese, plus she know a lot about Asia in general (she's been to Korea 5 times! And that's not even her focus!) She's so much further and more mature than I am, so I figured I was lucky to know her, especially when she's going to Korea at the same time as me and she has so many contacts I can leech of her.
Now I'm very open about pretty much everything, so we got rather close pretty fast, (we've been friends now for a little more than 2 months) talked about pretty much everything. Ranging from history, to sex, to all the things we find interesting about Asia and back to issues about family and friends. She seems to not have much self esteem, so I did gets signals from her that she was attracted to me, or so I thought at least.
One day after we had been studying, we went to her place to relax a bit and watch and episode or two of a series. We drank some wine and had a great time. Now we were both sitting right up and against each other and touching, now I was thinking "well screw it, I'm going to kiss her" since I and her had had some wine it seemed all great. But here I fuck up. I don't think I'm all that bad with girls, usually I know when the time is right and I go for it. But the truth is, I've never been with a girl I had actual feelings about or had a close friendship with before. I have had girlfriends, but It was mostly just for the sex and the security and warmth of being in a relationship. Suddenly I was here, I really care about her and I don't want to fuck it up, but I was certain the right thing to do was kiss her. All these feelings of insecurity came rushing and my hands went cold and I ended up not doing it and missing the chance.
Since then we haven't been talking a lot and I panic over ridiculous shit like her not writing smilies and being slow at replying. She's told me she didn't want a clingy guy on her, but still I can't help fucking writing her every day! And i don't even know what to write! I write the stupidest shit.
It's clear to me after that day that I have fallen completely in love with her and I'm thinking of these scenarios.
Best scenario: She feels the same way I do, and is sad and maybe feels let down that I didn't manage to man up and kiss her. Reason she's being cold over the phone is that I'm being overly dramatic, she's busy (even though she's pretty much done with this semester and hasn't started full time work yet) or she just doesn't know what to say since I've been acting weird. Now I don't get why a girl like her would be into me, except for low self esteem, which I really don't think is a great thing to start a relationship on.
What I think is the most likely scenario: She doesn't feel the same way as I do. If I tell her how I feel, she will be understanding and maybe it will even become closer through that.
My biggest fear: I messed up bad. She knows I came on to her and never wanted that, now she's annoyed and thinks I'm just another guy going after her for sex. Meaning our friendship is fucked and so am I.
Long story short,
I've been friends with this girl for about 2 months, it's been a great time, and she gives be some great opportunities, in regards to me going to study in Korea this September, since she's going there too and has been there several times before, meaning lots of contacts and knowhow.
Last Thursday I had a fucked up day. It was great at first, she and me were studying all day and then went to her place to relax. We eat some snacks and whine that we bought on the way, then we watch some TV. We have fun blabla, I've had a bit of wine and my arm around her, and I felt like this was the time to kiss her. But I'm scared as fuck. Never been with a girl I actually before, never told a girl that I loved her (and meant it), never being afraid of the consequences of a kiss that I was about to give. But that day all my heart was pounding like a fucking kick drum (seriously, there is no way she didn't notice that being up against me), and all my hands got ice cold. I knew this was the time to kiss her, but and I tried to pay extra attention to any signs of her wanting me to kiss her, but I simply wasn't certain and I fucked it up, didn't kiss her. After the show was done she said I should probably get going now, since I still had more homework to do.
So I did. I couldn't help myself from stopping on the way down the stairs from her apartment and yelling fuck. I knew this was bad, I felt so fucking bad and pathetic, I had no idea what to do. So I went home a listened to rainy mood. I didn't take long for me to realize that I'm in love with her. I've been waiting for this moment for years, since I've never been able to either say it or make it work with a girl I had a crush on.
I know I said short, but that's the best I can do.
After having written all of this, I realize that I should tell her somehow, but I'm not sure how. I really like being friends with her and I don't want to mess that up, but I can't run from my feelings and I feel like the more I wait the worse it gets. How do I tell her? I've been trying to get her to meet me ever since, but she's declined every time. She used to write me fast and send me smilies in all he messages but doesn't any more. I'm freaking out over every little single thing and I can't stop thinking about her!
What do I do? Should I call her? I don't feel very well with telling her over the phone. Should I just go to her place? Should I simply write her and say that I need to talk to her, and if I can come over? I'm really not sure.
I saw her last Sunday, when we went to see an historical collection from ancient Egypt, which she is really into. But she had a friend along. It was cool and we all had a good time, but I didn't manage to talk to her in private since I had an exam the next day and wanted to study.
Needless to say, I didn't get shit done and did pretty bad on the exam. Not the end of the world. but really fucking annoying, since a re-exam is going to be in the same time as I'm in Korea and it will have to be over Skype. I could easily have done well on the exam, it wasn't hard, I just couldn't concentrate on it at all due to her.
Thanks for reading my long rant, writing this has made me feel somewhat better, so far so good. But I really need to talk about this, any advice is welcome.
