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Hello, I have decided to dabble into the world of fictional writing, and I thought I'd share some of my better work for perhaps someone with a bit more expertise than I to dissect. Enjoy!
Credentials: I am an English Major with a minor in Communications. I am also both a professional and freelance writer, and I have published many articles and one book. I began writing fiction stories around 15 years ago, and I feel like I have really refined my work, and have elected to share the first chapter of a story that I'm working on. Let me know what you think!
Story:
It was a dark, black night, that was utterly pitch black like the blackest African ever. A full moon shone over the watery lake. A car drove up to the lake, and came to a stop when it stopped. Two men were in the car. One of the men looked like a guy, and the other one looked similar. One of the men had a face, and so did the other one. Both men stepped out of the car, but not before opening the car doors. They closed the doors. "We did it." one of the men said. "Yeah we did." the other man said. They went around to the trunk of the car, which was at the back of the car. They opened the trunk and pulled out a sack with ropes tied around in it. The sack was kind of bloody, but not really. The men hoisted up the sack, and it was very heavy, as if it had a dead person in it, which it did. "Good bye, Leonard." one the men said (not the dead man). The two alive men threw the sack into the lake, where it sunk like a rock, or a very heavy object.
"We must never speak of this to anybody." One of the men said to the other, not to the dead man, because the dead man was in the lake and wouldn't be able to hear. The other guy nodded, and pulled out his cigarette. He lit the cigarette and said "Damn." The first guy said "Swear you won't snitch. We just got away clean."
"What?" The other guy said, "You don't trust me? Listen, bud, we're in this together now, so I should be asking you not to snitch, but you don't hear me sayin' that shit, now do ya?"
"Yeah, just I ain't ever killed anyone before. I'm a bit freaked out. I keep thinking..."
"Well, fucking stop thinking. That's what fucks things up when you kill someone. You think 'oh, I need to confess this to my fucking priest' or something, and badda-boom, you land me in the fuckin' tank again."
"I said I was sorry for getting you sent to prison the first time."
"Yeah... about that. Remember when I said you'd pay for that?"
"Yeah, I remember that, so I was really surprised that you asked me to murder Leonard and then come out here with you instead of vice-versa, because you know, it would've made way more sense to kill me instead and OH SHIT."
"What's the matter?"
"PLEASE DON'T KILL ME, I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND AND SHE'S ALMOST OUT OF HIGH SCHOOL." (He was 34 years old)
Then the bullet came out of nowhere.
Only one man stood. The other lay dead.
The man standing continued to smoke his cigarette. "Well, that was the perfect crime. I'm glad there were no witnesses to see me, Robert Planter III, commit either of these first-degree murders."
Suddenly, he looked up and saw a cat in the tree. The cat looked at him with it's cat-like eyes and they seemed to be glowing. The cat quickly jumped from one branch to another with the agility of a cat. The cat continued to stare at him. He looked back at the cat and remembered a story that his aunt used to tell him before bedtime when he was younger, like during his 20s. She said "There is a black cat in the woods, and he stares at you with his green eyes and it means you're going to die." and the guy in the past was like "Why would you tell me a story like that before bed? That's fucked up. I don't think you're really my aunt. Why did you come through the window?" In the present, though, he just stared at the cat. The cat stared at him with it's bright orange eyes, and he knew it meant certain death. Then he heard a voice say "I heard you were allergic to peanut butter..."
Then he turned and saw a man completely covered in peanut butter.
THE END?
Any comments, criticisms or praise is welcomed. Thanks!
 
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I have discovered the meaning of life, and it was illuminated by the beauty of such poetic writing. thank you
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I'd say roughly 4/5 Reclusive's. The Eria Cycle is pretty gosu.
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Personally, I could not bring myself to enjoy the story because I didn't understand it at all. More specifically, I didn't understand what you were trying to say, what your purpose was.
Part of that is because this story straddles the middle ground -
It's too realistic to be completely abstract/surreal
It's too strange to be realistic
I couldn't really tell for what effect you were writing. I mean, the very first line was highly unconventional, perhaps racially insensitive, but definitely not the best comparison you could have used.
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I just spent twenty minutes (around 1/3 of an hour) looking for my password to this very website that I'm reading right now. I did that because I felt deep uncontrollable need to comment on your story and put my two cents in.
I finally found my password and logged in to this website so I could let you know that your story that you wrote was the best story I've read in all my 27 years of living life. I loved the surprise ending and I can't wait for the sequel. Do you think you could maybe include math or science equations in the next chapter? I feel like as if that would take the story you are writing over the top.
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Northern Ireland25665 Posts
I have no idea where this is going, but I'm intrigued. It definitely is stylistically coherent enough to remind me of something, tone wise.
Had to give it a brief leave though (went to the shop for sweet, sweet nicotine), for some reason the 'Like the blackest African ever' had me cracking up laughing.
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First I was like "Eh?' than I was like "Ohhh."
tl;dr (?) It was good, very interesting style.
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One guy should definitely be more awesome, so people can relate to him. Maybe give him some special powers?
Oh man, the best fiction is really on the internets.
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LOL A+
Well...I was really sure at first that it was just a funny story meant to lampoon "bad" or awkward writing, but some people are taking it seriously by legitimately critiquing you so I'm not sure what to say >.<
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On April 23 2013 15:03 GNAR_GNAR wrote:
I just spent twenty minutes (around 1/3 of an hour) looking for my password to this very website that I'm reading right now. I did that because I felt deep uncontrollable need to comment on your story and put my two cents in.
I finally found my password and logged in to this website so I could let you know that your story that you wrote was the best story I've read in all my 27 years of living life. I loved the surprise ending and I can't wait for the sequel. Do you think you could maybe include math or science equations in the next chapter? I feel like as if that would take the story you are writing over the top.
I think putting math equations in a story would make it confusing.
On April 23 2013 15:18 Just_a_Moth wrote:
First I was like "Eh?' than I was like "Ohhh."
tl;dr (?) It was good, very interesting style.
On April 23 2013 15:18 Wombat_NI wrote:
I have no idea where this is going, but I'm intrigued. It definitely is stylistically coherent enough to remind me of something, tone wise.
Had to give it a brief leave though (went to the shop for sweet, sweet nicotine), for some reason the 'Like the blackest African ever' had me cracking up laughing.
Thank you!!!!1
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On April 23 2013 15:53 Aerisky wrote:
LOL A+
Well...I was really sure at first that it was just a funny story meant to lampoon "bad" or awkward writing, but some people are taking it seriously by legitimately critiquing you so I'm not sure what to say >.<
I'm kind of hurt by this. This story wasn't meant to be "funny", and I was looking for real criticism, not sarcasm. 
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Baa?21243 Posts
Reading this has been more rewarding than reading any of the other shit fiction blogs we see on TL.
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Northern Ireland25665 Posts
This is the first fiction blog I've read, in fact I didn't bother coming to this section because when I last did every other thread appeared to be whining about love lives. Is the average fiction blog on here that bad Sheep?
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28090 Posts
It was a dark, black night, that was utterly pitch black like the blackest African ever.
rofl, this line.
In all, 5/5.
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Well what about if next time the main character was waiting in line like maybe at a fast food restaurant and he keeps talking about how he is craving chicken strips and then when its his turn to order the cashier tells him they only have grilled chicken strips? This would help to build tension and provide foreboding to later in the story.
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Please chapter two, but could you go off on more tangents in the next one? It's nice when they interrupt and run over each other. The part of my brain that keeps them all separate does not often get the chance to practice.
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On April 23 2013 16:29 GNAR_GNAR wrote:
Well what about if next time the main character was waiting in line like maybe at a fast food restaurant and he keeps talking about how he is craving chicken strips and then when its his turn to order the cashier tells him they only have grilled chicken strips? This would help to build tension and provide foreboding to later in the story.
You mean fried chicken strips? I think that's a good idea, good angle. It would have to be a powerful assassin who walked into the fast food restaurant, who has no inhibitions about killing a simple cashier.
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My review:
The imagery is really well done like a picture or an image of scenery.
The plot and narrative goes forward, which is really nice and easy to read: much better than some stories that go backwards or switch back and forth.
Your vocabulary is just kinda... you know... whatever.
I like that at the end you wrote ? after 'THE END' which makes me question whether or not it was actually the end or if there is more to the story. However, I don't like not knowing if there's more to the story so maybe you should write a sequel. Or maybe just an afterword that informs us that there's no sequel and that was really the end.
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lol nina, ur blogs hahaha so funny,
5 peanut butter cats out of 5 (black cat, that was utterly pitch black like the blackest African ever)
+ Show Spoiler +
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after reading this, im left with more questions than answers
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On April 23 2013 18:14 Ghin wrote:
after reading this, im left with more questions than answers
That's the sign of good literature??
Edit- In case anyone finds the first line offensive I thought of a possible alternative:
It was a dark, black night, that was utterly pitch black like the darkest dark templar ever.
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I haven't laughed so hard since I read My Immortal. 5/5
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5/5 but you are 22 days late ...
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On April 23 2013 14:28 ninazerg wrote:
It was a dark, black night, that was utterly pitch black like the blackest African ever.
This opening line makes it too funny to be taken serious haha, I don't know if that is what you intend for though.
At first I thought it was terrible because of the repetitive "state the obvious" kind of style you're employing, but it grew on me as the story progressed, and the little references to the character's weird backgrounds, like the 34year old with the high school gf or the bit about the cat and the aunt were quite entertaining.
I think overall it's quite good, but I feel like you didn't follow through with the same style consistently, as in your line Then he turned and saw a man completely covered in peanut butter. should have then included (this was not the man in the lake, and not the man who was just shot) or something along that train of thought.
Looking forward to more though!
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Wow you really screwed up the "dark night, bright moon, round corner"-stuff, my grandpa used to tell me the German version as a poem when I was little. So that gives -5 points already.
10/5 for peanut butter though.
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On April 24 2013 00:20 r.Evo wrote:
Wow you really screwed up the "dark night, bright moon, round corner"-stuff, my grandpa used to tell me the German version as a poem when I was little. So that gives -5 points already.
10/5 for peanut butter though.
I'd say only 9/5 for PB. No mention of Nutella is an issue here.
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On April 24 2013 02:07 L_Master wrote:Show nested quote +On April 24 2013 00:20 r.Evo wrote:
Wow you really screwed up the "dark night, bright moon, round corner"-stuff, my grandpa used to tell me the German version as a poem when I was little. So that gives -5 points already.
10/5 for peanut butter though. I'd say only 9/5 for PB. No mention of Nutella is an issue here.
At the... same... time?
I'm asking this as a person who loves mustard and Nutella. Or pickles and Nutella.
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It suffers from ArmA 2 syndrome a little bit (over usage of the word "man" or "men") but it's not bad otherwise.
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Teh character development is strong, but I think that the love story arc needs some work. Maybe add in that Kerrigan truely loved Jim but then she was the demons. Then John was a zombie.
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On April 24 2013 03:36 RoyGBiv_13 wrote:
Maybe add in that Kerrigan truely loved Jim but then she was the demons.
Art thou ireful, brother?
On April 24 2013 03:30 Ettick wrote:
It suffers from ArmA 2 syndrome a little bit (over usage of the word "man" or "men") but it's not bad otherwise.
So, what you're saying is the story needs more women?
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I still dont get it, is it an inside joke or something? :| the story was just, well not even a story.
It was batshit crazy with not-so-good literacy skills.
Nina are you truly a journalist with a masters?
Is this some sort of inside joke? 
God im so confused...
I mean the writing itself was Ok, all the sentences made sense and whatnot, it was just pretty childish (darkest african ever) and it was also batshit crazy.
IS THIS A JOKE?!
IM SO CONFUSED
<Cocks gun>
BANG.
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I mean that you should use other words than "man" or "men" since it is sort of repetitive.
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5/5. This story is an absolute tour de force of literary profundity. I am truly impressed with the talent that lurks here on TL. Bravo.
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1. i think it is jarring stylistically to go from the "vague-ness" of using unspecific terms to the sudden "me, Robert Planter III" -- i think that the more effective use of the device would be simply to eliminate the pronouns altogether and use "Robert Planter III" in place, but i think the structure of the story almost "demands" the "vague-ness" of pronouns.
2. i think this because of the "specificity" of the actions being taken & the somewhat "precise nature" of the opening dialogue (which should be amended to read), "We did it," Robert Planter III said. "Yes, we did," Robert Planter II said.
3. i think in keeping with this "specificity" that you should also amend the dialogue later on to be "more consistent" with this sort of tonality. in general i feel like the "structure" of the sentences can be made better to reflect the general tone throughout- ie playing with very simple, declarative sentences. being "intensely specific" would be "good".
4. for this reason i think that we enter the world too "quickly" at the start in your first direct contrast between the dark night and the moon shining on the lake. i think that to be the "most effective" that you would be best off splitting these first two sentences up when you are revising and probably set them opposed to each other at opposite ends of the story-- you open with the "blackest night" and then close with the moon shining brightly on the lake-- the end result is a much "smoother" story
5. "only one man stood. the other man lay dead" i feel is a wasted opportunity in terms of "focus", you should definitely remove the "only"
6. there is a jumbled-ness towards the end that is uncharacteristic of the earlier hinted specificity, i think that this part should definitely be "more clear".
7. i think that the "flashback" seems excessive and jumbles up the story some (going back to pt 6) i think it would be more effective if instead the bed-time story is happening "simultaneously" but away from the general action of the story.
all in all there are some very interesting moments & language throughout the story. i am reminded of things that i have read other people write. i think that there is the potential there to "reach" this kind of writing, but it is mostly "potential" and you seem more "concerned" with other things than actuall y "getting there"
reference: http://farm6.staticflickr.com/5175/5493058782_01c97310cc_o.jpg
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EPT![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/lY9w06a.jpg)
