EPTRate My Writing Please - Page 2
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Ghin
United States2391 Posts
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tomatriedes
New Zealand5356 Posts
On April 23 2013 18:14 Ghin wrote: after reading this, im left with more questions than answers That's the sign of good literature?? Edit- In case anyone finds the first line offensive I thought of a possible alternative: It was a dark, black night, that was utterly pitch black like the darkest dark templar ever. | ||
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Fishgle
United States2174 Posts
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AnythingThenDelete
381 Posts
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DarkNetHunter
1224 Posts
On April 23 2013 14:28 ninazerg wrote: It was a dark, black night, that was utterly pitch black like the blackest African ever. This opening line makes it too funny to be taken serious haha, I don't know if that is what you intend for though. At first I thought it was terrible because of the repetitive "state the obvious" kind of style you're employing, but it grew on me as the story progressed, and the little references to the character's weird backgrounds, like the 34year old with the high school gf or the bit about the cat and the aunt were quite entertaining. I think overall it's quite good, but I feel like you didn't follow through with the same style consistently, as in your line Then he turned and saw a man completely covered in peanut butter. should have then included (this was not the man in the lake, and not the man who was just shot) or something along that train of thought.Looking forward to more though! | ||
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r.Evo
Germany14081 Posts
10/5 for peanut butter though. | ||
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L_Master
United States8017 Posts
On April 24 2013 00:20 r.Evo wrote: Wow you really screwed up the "dark night, bright moon, round corner"-stuff, my grandpa used to tell me the German version as a poem when I was little. So that gives -5 points already. 10/5 for peanut butter though. I'd say only 9/5 for PB. No mention of Nutella is an issue here. | ||
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r.Evo
Germany14081 Posts
On April 24 2013 02:07 L_Master wrote: I'd say only 9/5 for PB. No mention of Nutella is an issue here. At the... same... time? I'm asking this as a person who loves mustard and Nutella. Or pickles and Nutella. | ||
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AnachronisticAnarchy
United States2957 Posts
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Ettick
United States2434 Posts
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RoyGBiv_13
United States1275 Posts
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ninazerg
United States7291 Posts
On April 24 2013 03:36 RoyGBiv_13 wrote: Maybe add in that Kerrigan truely loved Jim but then she was the demons. Art thou ireful, brother? On April 24 2013 03:30 Ettick wrote: It suffers from ArmA 2 syndrome a little bit (over usage of the word "man" or "men") but it's not bad otherwise. So, what you're saying is the story needs more women? | ||
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Capped
United Kingdom7236 Posts
It was batshit crazy with not-so-good literacy skills. Nina are you truly a journalist with a masters? Is this some sort of inside joke?  God im so confused... I mean the writing itself was Ok, all the sentences made sense and whatnot, it was just pretty childish (darkest african ever) and it was also batshit crazy. IS THIS A JOKE?! IM SO CONFUSED <Cocks gun> BANG. | ||
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Ettick
United States2434 Posts
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SamsungStar
United States912 Posts
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AiurZ
United States429 Posts
2. i think this because of the "specificity" of the actions being taken & the somewhat "precise nature" of the opening dialogue (which should be amended to read), "We did it," Robert Planter III said. "Yes, we did," Robert Planter II said. 3. i think in keeping with this "specificity" that you should also amend the dialogue later on to be "more consistent" with this sort of tonality. in general i feel like the "structure" of the sentences can be made better to reflect the general tone throughout- ie playing with very simple, declarative sentences. being "intensely specific" would be "good". 4. for this reason i think that we enter the world too "quickly" at the start in your first direct contrast between the dark night and the moon shining on the lake. i think that to be the "most effective" that you would be best off splitting these first two sentences up when you are revising and probably set them opposed to each other at opposite ends of the story-- you open with the "blackest night" and then close with the moon shining brightly on the lake-- the end result is a much "smoother" story 5. "only one man stood. the other man lay dead" i feel is a wasted opportunity in terms of "focus", you should definitely remove the "only" 6. there is a jumbled-ness towards the end that is uncharacteristic of the earlier hinted specificity, i think that this part should definitely be "more clear". 7. i think that the "flashback" seems excessive and jumbles up the story some (going back to pt 6) i think it would be more effective if instead the bed-time story is happening "simultaneously" but away from the general action of the story. all in all there are some very interesting moments & language throughout the story. i am reminded of things that i have read other people write. i think that there is the potential there to "reach" this kind of writing, but it is mostly "potential" and you seem more "concerned" with other things than actuall y "getting there" reference: http://farm6.staticflickr.com/5175/5493058782_01c97310cc_o.jpg | ||
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