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Some random poetry.

Blogs > GaNgStaRR.ElV
Post a Reply
GaNgStaRR.ElV
Profile Blog Joined May 2010
Canada535 Posts
January 04 2013 14:43 GMT
#1
So I write alot of hip-hop/r&b stuff, but i've also dabbled into writing a bit of poetry.

Just thought I'd post it here to see what yall think.

I won't lie I was pretty stoned(I found them in my old lyric book, loads of pages with burnmarks etc.)

The Oath of Friends:

The smoke covers the cold,
the fire and the ice, an old story told,
the thoughts we share with smoke in the air,
while riding down our streets of gold,
all these times we share together,
spartan's shield to stormy weather,
soldiers we fall down one by one,
bearing the heat; a forgotten son,
We stand alone, we dare the test,
To give our all, no more no less,
To gain it all, or we shall fall,
answers to the sirens call.


Nobody Sees:

A sun setting on a unique view.
But what of the shadow,
which lies through the sun,
boiling over with the sun's heat.
A black hole,
sucking life itself into its grasp,
Though we look right at it,
It is just a waave in the sea,
unnoticed and eternal,
waiting for a lost soul to stumble across it and remained trapped forever.
Travelling through time and space,
Familiar places changed by it's power,
Familiar faces unrecognizable and sour,
You should see it, if you look carefully,
but nobody sees.

Rot:

Life rots,
a blind rot,
oblivious to human nature,
love torn apart and worn away,
Till all that remains is pain and darkness,
1 friendship devours another,
A romance with no winner or beginner,
No Samaritan or sinner.
Until the cloest friend is the pain of having known so much,
Grown so much,
only to have it all crumble,
Like a tower of cards stacked too high,
so that nothing remains.

Grass:

I see you,
I dare not approach,
this is what I fear the most.
I watch you walk oblivious to me,
not even a glint of recognition.
Im just a face in the crowd,
A single blade of grass,
blown by the unfathomable wind.
When you look at me,
the wind blows again,
Lifting me once again,
Into breathing a hopeful gulp of air;
only to be returned to the floor,
for a single eye movement,
makes me a blade of grass once more.


GaNgStaRR.ElV
Profile Blog Joined May 2010
Canada535 Posts
January 07 2013 13:46 GMT
#2
My poetry must suck balls to not get 1 comment!
Smancer
Profile Blog Joined December 2010
United States379 Posts
January 07 2013 17:06 GMT
#3

The Oath of Friends:
8/10

Nobody Sees:
3/10

Rot:
2/10

Grass:
7/10


Did not care for the two middle ones.


In the case of The Oath of Friends: I liked this. good work, nice pace, nice rhythem. Thematically good. The first line could use work. I don't like it, seems forced, and could have more elegant language.

In the case of Nobody Sees:, it just somehow seemed unoriginal. Maybe the theme is just way too over done. I don't know really thought it was played.

In the case of Rot: pain and darkness, again seems emo, and tired. Hard to even make it through this one.

In the case of Grass: fun, spirited, and clever. I think you could work on the wording so you don't have two lines ending in the same word.


I am a mathematician. I know nothing about poetry. This was just what I thought.
A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby."
AiurZ
Profile Blog Joined May 2004
United States429 Posts
January 08 2013 03:23 GMT
#4
1st thing that i dont like: you've end-stopped all your lines without needing to. i could see maybe if they were natural end-stops, maybe that's just the way that you like to organize things, but some of the end-stops don't make sense in the context of a sentence etc. it can be a 'stylistic' thing but as the reader i think its troublesome and distracting. this is easy enough to fix tho.

some of the language is clumsy at parts ie i would never think of a really high tower of cards "crumbling" because i feel like "crumbling" generally implies a sort of decay over time rather than the intensely sudden collapse of a house of cards ie the idea of a romance having a "winner" or "beginner" or "samaritan" or "sinner" (i feel like here you are too focused on the 'sound' of things, which is good but it is very difficult to sacrifice coherence for acoustics effectively).

it is very important to consider the images that you are presenting. there are lines that sound very nice but don't make much sense in terms of imagery ie "i want to be your cold dead nothing/ i want to be a million dead birds in you" and when you begin to venture into this territory you have to be very careful with what you are doing in order to do it effectively.

i know i dont need you to 'keep writing' or encourage you that you are off to a great start etc. but you are off to a great start and you should keep writing (poetry). write poetry that's not a puzzle. write poetry that is just simple and plain language that people can read and feel and want to read and want to feel. dont write as a "poet" but as a person because you are a person and all person's are "poets". have fun while you do it.
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