That rather overdone introduction belies my true purpose. Recount my experiences of college in a negative light.
So far college has been OK. I have done fairly well in classes. Math has been a pain, but I have good grades in all other courses and should be able to pull an A in math should I do well on the final.
I'm regretful because I didn't do as well as I could have in high school, and I applied for computer science, which is tremendously difficult to get admitted for in general.
In high school I did well in school but frankly didn't realize how little and how inefficiently I was studying until late senior year. When I remedied this I did extremely well last semester of high school, in what could be characterized as inverse senioritis. My SAT was extremely good, and my GPA was adequate but certainly not nearly as good as it should have and could have been.
I also applied computer science and I'm not happy with it. In many ways I'm not sure why I'm not happy with it. It has tremendous ability to make and impact and is extremely interdisciplinary, and both of these aspects are things that I value. Yet I feel like I pushed myself into it. And it definitely made it harder to get into better schools, namely UCLA and Berkeley.
I'm a computer science major, but I don't particularly know why. I don't particularly care for the department although that shouldn't be something that deters me from getting the major. The subject matter should be what matters, but I'm still not sure what it culminates in. Here there is very little physical science involved in getting a computer science major. If I wanted to get a major in that subject area every quarter that passes is another quarter that I'm taking courses not at all relevant to that other major. (in terms of graduation requirements)
To a certain degree I keep on telling myself that I should major in CS because it's technical, but it's not what I'd like to do. Then again that is weighing long term vs short term benefit, and i've constantly struggled to reconcile the two notions.
To a certain degree I'm just entirely uncertain about what I want in life, which is normal. I'm not sure how best to resolve this uncertainty.
College has been somewhat anticlimactic for many reasons. One, my living situation has been rather subpar, with a roommate with some mental issues, amongst others, and a suite that I often clash with. (Sunday dead week, party in dorm, etc)
I think the people I associated with in high school were an exceptional bunch of people. I was used to having any sense of academic superiority shattered already. I heard going into college everyone would be competent and smart and there would be much more competition. But at least as of yet, maybe because of the people i dorm with, and maybe because of other factors I have yet to experience this. The students here are on the whole significantly less competent, and significantly less interested in serious matters than the people i knew from high school. This, more than the actual school resources or faculty itself has led me to regret going here, and adopting a grass is greener mentality. I've had a couple psychotic phases in which I felt as if I should attempt to transfer to another UC but I"m not sure if that would actually do any good. The problems with me are probably more internal than external.
Hence, I had a phase a couple weeks ago where I felt like I was elitist. Only reading the finest materials, and looking down on those people who didn't share an interest, which is entirely reasonable. They were in the right. I was in the wrong, but I'm still not in a good state either way. Even worse has been my tendency to just look down at everyone attending here. All endeavors as being petty. It's not true, but I'm more cynical than is advisable.
I think a lot of this is a reflection of inner conflict in which I have very little clue as to what I want to do with my life and additionally feel like I"m forcing myself into something. (despite the fact I have little clue as to what I actually want to do)
In any case, I'm generally disappointed. I've just been in a state of constant melancholy for weeks now. I feel like I'm alone in a sea of people. I've never really felt like that before. I feel like college is not at all what I anticipated, especially at UCSD. One of the reasons I turned down full rides elsewhere was for the people I would meet, but I'm unimpressed, although whether duly or unduly is unclear.
Furthermore, saying that I'm unimpressed seems rather petty. Why should it matter if I am not impressed with other people. I'm sure many people, including many here are unimpressed with me. and why should that matter?
I just feel like although I've been having success in school overall I've just been floundering and feel generally unhappy. I can't put a finger on any one thing for it, but I still feel just off.
I've met some cool people. But not freshmen. I've joined a couple clubs, it can be sort of fun. Some people are exceptional. I do know them. But still despite me rationally telling myself that it's not really having an effect, I know it is.
I suppose much of it may have to do with the climate and fit of a school which they talk so much about when applying to colleges. I never much liked the informal atmosphere at UCSD but i overruled that in large part due to the excellent CS program they have here. But I'm not sure I want to do that, and I'm sure at the time I was forcing myself into that. I also know I could potentially have been accepted at other schools had i not applied for computer science.
Heck, right now my plan is get a CS degree then attempt to get a graduate degree in something unrelated or attempt to go to law school. But why? I have no clue why.
In any case, hopefully somebody can make sense of this self induced rant and give me some sort of guidance. In any case, it felt really good to let that all out.