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I think the last 11 weeks can best be characterized as a state of meh. Of regret, of excitement, of more regret. Of undue disdain, undue elitism. Acceptance, tolerance, and amazement.
That rather overdone introduction belies my true purpose. Recount my experiences of college in a negative light.
So far college has been OK. I have done fairly well in classes. Math has been a pain, but I have good grades in all other courses and should be able to pull an A in math should I do well on the final.
I'm regretful because I didn't do as well as I could have in high school, and I applied for computer science, which is tremendously difficult to get admitted for in general.
In high school I did well in school but frankly didn't realize how little and how inefficiently I was studying until late senior year. When I remedied this I did extremely well last semester of high school, in what could be characterized as inverse senioritis. My SAT was extremely good, and my GPA was adequate but certainly not nearly as good as it should have and could have been.
I also applied computer science and I'm not happy with it. In many ways I'm not sure why I'm not happy with it. It has tremendous ability to make and impact and is extremely interdisciplinary, and both of these aspects are things that I value. Yet I feel like I pushed myself into it. And it definitely made it harder to get into better schools, namely UCLA and Berkeley.
I'm a computer science major, but I don't particularly know why. I don't particularly care for the department although that shouldn't be something that deters me from getting the major. The subject matter should be what matters, but I'm still not sure what it culminates in. Here there is very little physical science involved in getting a computer science major. If I wanted to get a major in that subject area every quarter that passes is another quarter that I'm taking courses not at all relevant to that other major. (in terms of graduation requirements)
To a certain degree I keep on telling myself that I should major in CS because it's technical, but it's not what I'd like to do. Then again that is weighing long term vs short term benefit, and i've constantly struggled to reconcile the two notions.
To a certain degree I'm just entirely uncertain about what I want in life, which is normal. I'm not sure how best to resolve this uncertainty.
College has been somewhat anticlimactic for many reasons. One, my living situation has been rather subpar, with a roommate with some mental issues, amongst others, and a suite that I often clash with. (Sunday dead week, party in dorm, etc)
I think the people I associated with in high school were an exceptional bunch of people. I was used to having any sense of academic superiority shattered already. I heard going into college everyone would be competent and smart and there would be much more competition. But at least as of yet, maybe because of the people i dorm with, and maybe because of other factors I have yet to experience this. The students here are on the whole significantly less competent, and significantly less interested in serious matters than the people i knew from high school. This, more than the actual school resources or faculty itself has led me to regret going here, and adopting a grass is greener mentality. I've had a couple psychotic phases in which I felt as if I should attempt to transfer to another UC but I"m not sure if that would actually do any good. The problems with me are probably more internal than external.
Hence, I had a phase a couple weeks ago where I felt like I was elitist. Only reading the finest materials, and looking down on those people who didn't share an interest, which is entirely reasonable. They were in the right. I was in the wrong, but I'm still not in a good state either way. Even worse has been my tendency to just look down at everyone attending here. All endeavors as being petty. It's not true, but I'm more cynical than is advisable.
I think a lot of this is a reflection of inner conflict in which I have very little clue as to what I want to do with my life and additionally feel like I"m forcing myself into something. (despite the fact I have little clue as to what I actually want to do)
In any case, I'm generally disappointed. I've just been in a state of constant melancholy for weeks now. I feel like I'm alone in a sea of people. I've never really felt like that before. I feel like college is not at all what I anticipated, especially at UCSD. One of the reasons I turned down full rides elsewhere was for the people I would meet, but I'm unimpressed, although whether duly or unduly is unclear.
Furthermore, saying that I'm unimpressed seems rather petty. Why should it matter if I am not impressed with other people. I'm sure many people, including many here are unimpressed with me. and why should that matter?
I just feel like although I've been having success in school overall I've just been floundering and feel generally unhappy. I can't put a finger on any one thing for it, but I still feel just off.
I've met some cool people. But not freshmen. I've joined a couple clubs, it can be sort of fun. Some people are exceptional. I do know them. But still despite me rationally telling myself that it's not really having an effect, I know it is.
I suppose much of it may have to do with the climate and fit of a school which they talk so much about when applying to colleges. I never much liked the informal atmosphere at UCSD but i overruled that in large part due to the excellent CS program they have here. But I'm not sure I want to do that, and I'm sure at the time I was forcing myself into that. I also know I could potentially have been accepted at other schools had i not applied for computer science.
Heck, right now my plan is get a CS degree then attempt to get a graduate degree in something unrelated or attempt to go to law school. But why? I have no clue why.
In any case, hopefully somebody can make sense of this self induced rant and give me some sort of guidance. In any case, it felt really good to let that all out.
 
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Remember me? I'm your UCLA "doppleganger". It's the same at every school, there are underqualified people, but look past them. Why is the CS department well known? Research, not teaching. Try to get a job working for a professor in some lab somewhere. Being alone in a sea of people? I'm still doing that.
If you are still bored: Hackathons
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On December 12 2012 19:29 Loser777 wrote:
Remember me? I'm your UCLA "doppleganger". It's the same at every school, there are underqualified people, but look past them. Why is the CS department well known? Research, not teaching. Try to get a job working for a professor in some lab somewhere. Being alone in a sea of people? I'm still doing that.
If you are still bored: Hackathons
Haha. I know that's not hte problem. Quality of instruction has actually been fairly good.
I've gone to CSE events. I'm not sure if its exclusive here but the people were hard to talk to: not as in it was hard for me to talk to them, but as in I got very limited response.
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Find the kid in your classes that actually gives a shit and talk to him about what he's interested in CS. Think about all of the problems that CS attempts to solve--they're uncountable and in every modern field of science imaginable.
Hell, read news.ycombinator.com or whatever.
PS
Here's where it gets spooky: I'm rooming with a UCSD transfer
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Lol. Wow. Might actually be nice to talk to him, although it's not something I think I ever really seriously considered. Maybe. I'm not sure.
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Ooh, sorry to hear that. For what it's worth, you could also try joining some online cs communities, especially because of the readily self-taught nature of cs.
I'm curious though: what exactly did you change in your senior year about studying, if it helped you that much? Reverse senioritis, definitely something that you don't hear about every day :p
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I went CS because I got in so easily, but I found out it was not for me, worst 2 years of my life.
Don't hesitate to switch if something else interests you way more.
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Good companions are hard to find, but don't think hapiness is a state of being coming naturally, to anyone.
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On December 12 2012 20:06 nepeta wrote:
Good companions are hard to find, but don't think hapiness is a state of being coming naturally, to anyone.
On some level I think that one can "choose" happiness, or at least strive for it in life.
Well if I were you, I'd go to a career counselor ASAP. If you don't like CS, don't do it. If you don't want to do CS, then there is no reason for you to be at UCLA. If you don't like the school you're at, leave it. There's no point in staying in a place you don't like doing something you don't like - you can get out and go change your environment to something much more positive. Go do it! Stop being "meh" and take action. Unless you want to be "meh" the rest of your life, then just keep on keeping on. You'll get a degree in a subject you may be good at but don't appreciate. You'll have a crappy college experience. You'll go on to grad school and then suffer extra years in school, potentially needlessly.
I agree that figuring out what to do with your life can be daunting. It is! However, there are a ton of resources out there to help you explore. Your school should have them somewhere. Utilize them. Don't settle!
Good luck!
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Froadac, why do you keep telling yourself to stay in CS if it's not what you'd like to do? What would you like to do instead?
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On December 13 2012 00:08 thoraxe wrote:
Froadac, why do you keep telling yourself to stay in CS if it's not what you'd like to do? What would you like to do instead?
Not sure, not sure.
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On December 12 2012 23:58 Zaranth wrote:Show nested quote +On December 12 2012 20:06 nepeta wrote:
Good companions are hard to find, but don't think hapiness is a state of being coming naturally, to anyone. On some level I think that one can "choose" happiness, or at least strive for it in life. Well if I were you, I'd go to a career counselor ASAP. If you don't like CS, don't do it. If you don't want to do CS, then there is no reason for you to be at UCLA. If you don't like the school you're at, leave it. There's no point in staying in a place you don't like doing something you don't like - you can get out and go change your environment to something much more positive. Go do it! Stop being "meh" and take action. Unless you want to be "meh" the rest of your life, then just keep on keeping on. You'll get a degree in a subject you may be good at but don't appreciate. You'll have a crappy college experience. You'll go on to grad school and then suffer extra years in school, potentially needlessly. I agree that figuring out what to do with your life can be daunting. It is! However, there are a ton of resources out there to help you explore. Your school should have them somewhere. Utilize them. Don't settle! Good luck!
Oh, I'm at UCSD. Just thinking of (trying to) transfer to ucla but it's the other side of the fence.
And yeah, I do need to take action. Decision to take inaction is in itself an action.
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I agree with Zaranth. It's sad too read that you are dissapointed, after the parent rage blogs I hoped college would mean new great life for you  . At least you are away from those sociopathic fuckers (parents) and some people you met in clubs are cool  but if that's not enough, definitely seek something new, don't waste your time waiting!
Are you in touch with your hs friends?
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On December 12 2012 19:45 Aerisky wrote:
Ooh, sorry to hear that. For what it's worth, you could also try joining some online cs communities, especially because of the readily self-taught nature of cs.
I'm curious though: what exactly did you change in your senior year about studying, if it helped you that much? Reverse senioritis, definitely something that you don't hear about every day :p
do you know any good online cs communities by any chance?
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On December 13 2012 03:50 beetlelisk wrote:I agree with Zaranth. It's sad too read that you are dissapointed, after the parent rage blogs I hoped college would mean new great life for you . At least you are away from those sociopathic fuckers (parents) and some people you met in clubs are cool but if that's not enough, definitely seek something new, don't waste your time waiting! Are you in touch with your hs friends?
A bit. haha. I'm somewhat disappointed, but in positives my relationship with my parents has improved substantially now that they've realized I haven't blown anything up.
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It's only first year, chill man you don't need to have super elite impressive peers.
Regarding switching majors - yeah I agree with the people here saying that earlier the better, but you better give it a lot of thought and research before making it happen. Talk to people in that target major. Talk to counsellors and if possible, professors (this won't be easy as they tend busy). Think about what made you choose CS, then think again if the new target major is worth it. Sometimes it's better NOT to look at the distant future - don't look at it as a 45-year career-changing decision.
Switching schools - too much paperwork and sacrifices and unknowns, I recommend against this unless you know exactly what you're doing.
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On December 13 2012 05:03 OpticalShot wrote:
It's only first year, chill man you don't need to have super elite impressive peers.
Regarding switching majors - yeah I agree with the people here saying that earlier the better, but you better give it a lot of thought and research before making it happen. Talk to people in that target major. Talk to counsellors and if possible, professors (this won't be easy as they tend busy). Think about what made you choose CS, then think again if the new target major is worth it. Sometimes it's better NOT to look at the distant future - don't look at it as a 45-year career-changing decision.
Switching schools - too much paperwork and sacrifices and unknowns, I recommend against this unless you know exactly what you're doing.
Thanks.
In regards to #2, I agree. It's just a stupid grass is greener argument.
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Well at least your blog made me feel better about my situation, as its a similar type of depression. Except I've already finished one degree and am going for a second, hopefully this is "the one" that I really enjoy. I think you just have to get exposure to a bunch of different fields and look at all the things that excite you. If you don't have any social anxiety it should be easy for you (since you can talk to people rather than read internet articles).
I always believed that things fall into place once you find your passion, its just a matter of finding it. And I'm assuming we all have one (or something close enough)
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University is much less about the education than the experience itself, and I think you are seeking refuge in academia because of your lack of success in the social aspect of things. My advice to you would be to try to enjoy the university life; enjoy the freedom you have; enjoy the company of other young people. The feeling of superiority can be very damaging, and immature. Everyone has a unique perspective that they offer, and something you can learn from; discovering and respecting their differences will help you bond to these to new people.
With regards to your major, I can hardly imagine how you've established a disdain given that you've probably only taken a very limited number of foundation CS courses, which you probably are required to take for a lot of other majors. A typical CS program will offer two 'streams' of CS courses: theoretical and practical, and you don't get to take the interesting ones until your junior year. I'm not saying you should stick with CS, but you should at least make an effort to find out what it offers before deciding against it (something you should have done in high school, but it's never too late).
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On December 13 2012 04:22 LML wrote:Show nested quote +On December 12 2012 19:45 Aerisky wrote:
Ooh, sorry to hear that. For what it's worth, you could also try joining some online cs communities, especially because of the readily self-taught nature of cs.
I'm curious though: what exactly did you change in your senior year about studying, if it helped you that much? Reverse senioritis, definitely something that you don't hear about every day :p do you know any good online cs communities by any chance?
I'm not actually a coder, but I have friends in comp sci to whom I speak regularly about science/tech in general (I know, not exactly super legit credentials or anything lol), and as far as I know, Stack Overflow (really great) and Stack Exchange Network for cs stuff, and Quora for a generally intellectual community. None of them are nearly as tightly-knit as is TL, however.
Also Cambium's advice is 24 carats gold, not to mention he's a beast programmer in his own right iirc :-)
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On December 13 2012 09:41 Cambium wrote:
University is much less about the education than the experience itself, and I think you are seeking refuge in academia because of your lack of success in the social aspect of things. My advice to you would be to try to enjoy the university life; enjoy the freedom you have; enjoy the company of other young people. The feeling of superiority can be very damaging, and immature. Everyone has a unique perspective that they offer, and something you can learn from; discovering and respecting their differences will help you bond to these to new people.
With regards to your major, I can hardly imagine how you've established a disdain given that you've probably only taken a very limited number of foundation CS courses, which you probably are required to take for a lot of other majors. A typical CS program will offer two 'streams' of CS courses: theoretical and practical, and you don't get to take the interesting ones until your junior year. I'm not saying you should stick with CS, but you should at least make an effort to find out what it offers before deciding against it (something you should have done in high school, but it's never too late).
Thanks. I rationally know a lot of that but it's not what I feel.
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On December 13 2012 04:41 Froadac wrote:Show nested quote +On December 13 2012 03:50 beetlelisk wrote:I agree with Zaranth. It's sad too read that you are dissapointed, after the parent rage blogs I hoped college would mean new great life for you . At least you are away from those sociopathic fuckers (parents) and some people you met in clubs are cool but if that's not enough, definitely seek something new, don't waste your time waiting! Are you in touch with your hs friends? A bit. haha. I'm somewhat disappointed, but in positives my relationship with my parents has improved substantially now that they've realized I haven't blown anything up.
What were you supposed to blow up?
Lol I thought I mixed up sociopathy and psychopathy until I read they both mean the same on wikipedia 
+ Show Spoiler + The term sociopathy may be preferred by sociologists because it shares the prefix of their field. The term psychopathy may be preferred by psychologists for similar reasons.
Even though I'm happy to read that your relationship with them got better, and my first thought was
"could it be you can have normal relationship with them?"
I thought for a minute and concluded
"it looks good because you are not there with them so they can't blame you for every little shit AND use you as a punching bag when they want to vent in peaks of their disorder showing".
Please tell me if I'm wrong, that's what I remember from parent rage blogs, -_- what you wrote there about what they were doing still pisses me off.
And here comes question related to that, that I couldn't decide to ask: why did you write in one of your earlier blogs that there were things you were doing wrong in relationship with them? What was that supposed to be? Of course I will understand if you don't answer because you don't want to delve in that shit.
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Eh, I think some of it was just at a certain point I got so angry I wouldn't fold on the little things.
And everything.
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On December 13 2012 09:41 Cambium wrote:
University is much less about the education than the experience itself, and I think you are seeking refuge in academia because of your lack of success in the social aspect of things. My advice to you would be to try to enjoy the university life; enjoy the freedom you have; enjoy the company of other young people. The feeling of superiority can be very damaging, and immature. Everyone has a unique perspective that they offer, and something you can learn from; discovering and respecting their differences will help you bond to these to new people.
With regards to your major, I can hardly imagine how you've established a disdain given that you've probably only taken a very limited number of foundation CS courses, which you probably are required to take for a lot of other majors. A typical CS program will offer two 'streams' of CS courses: theoretical and practical, and you don't get to take the interesting ones until your junior year. I'm not saying you should stick with CS, but you should at least make an effort to find out what it offers before deciding against it (something you should have done in high school, but it's never too late).
I'm inclined to disagree here. I thoroughly enjoyed my data structures and intro to programming courses.
Of course - OS and algorithms are much cooler, but I didn't hate my classes the way the OP is describing.
I honestly think he just doesn't have a passion for the sciences. And that's fine. A lot of people default into CS because they think enjoying spending time on the computer will translate to enjoying CS. Programming and using a program are completely different things.
OP - did you visit UCSD before applying and going there?
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Yeah, I did.
And I knew that CS != computer stuff. I had some programming experience and never really liked it that much. What made me apply CS was probably implied familial pressure and income prospectives more than anything else.
My CS class is easy and uninspiring. I don't had the class. I just found the opinions within the department when going to club meetings advisory to be :/
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On December 13 2012 14:07 Froadac wrote:
Yeah, I did.
And I knew that CS != computer stuff. I had some programming experience and never really liked it that much. What made me apply CS was probably implied familial pressure and income prospectives more than anything else.
My CS class is easy and uninspiring. I don't had the class. I just found the opinions within the department when going to club meetings advisory to be :/
How terrible your school's CS department and classes are is pretty much irrelevant to whether or not you enjoy CS. School is designed to be easy. You aren't going to find cutting edge projects and clever algorithms in CS courses, especially undergrad. You're going to find run-of-the-mill topics, problems, and logic.
Unless you're going to MIT, you're going to get a healthy mix of uninspired as well as very inspired students. It doesn't matter where you go.
Furthermore, I don't understand your mentality. You straightforwardly admit you don't like CS then talk about your school being bad almost as an excuse. I don't get it.
If you don't like CS, then it doesn't matter whether your school is good or bad. If you do like CS, then it doesn't matter whether your school is good or bad because you will enjoy it in spite of that.
"The grass is greener" on the other side indeed. Again, unless you go to MIT, undergraduate education is pretty much the same everywhere.
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It was the atmosphere of dept more than department itself. Objectively it is a very good department
Design to be easy: tell that to the upperclassmen
Yeah, you're obviously right.
My school is good for CS, I just disliked the mantra I heard from the department. I think in terms of quality of instruction it is very good.
And yes, obviously true.
And yes.
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Just curious, where do you go, donut? :o stalking reading some of your old posts, it seems like your a comp sci major or at least comp eng. Also I know you're just using MIT as an example, but there are plenty of colleges with fantastic cs programs that aren't t1 institutions, e.g. cmu, UoT, UCLA, udub, uni of texas austin, or UBC. CMU probably being the most outstanding one though. And yeah, I'm pretty sure upper div cs isn't that easy ...
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At least according to friends I've talked to in industry UCSD CS > UCLA cs, although I'm not sure of the validity of that.
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Yeah, I guess SD and LA's CSE programs are more or less equivalent in education and job opportunities.
I was wondering about it so I googled it, and while I didn't necessarily get any concrete answers with regard to how the schools compare, I did stumble upon anecdotal criticism of SD*. Not to further push you into conflict over whether or not you'd like to stay at the school, but those guys' comments aren't unfamiliar to me. The idea of having so many separate colleges and the general La Jolla environment having this kind of separation and lack of bustling school spirit might be part of your issue with the campus culture. But the incredible trouble of changing schools... yeah... :/
*The link does seem to support the idea of SD having a nice CS program though
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Yes. It feels very disjointed. That is a good way to put it. Almost a negative school spirit too.
but yeah, the cs program is great.
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On December 13 2012 14:07 Froadac wrote:
Yeah, I did.
And I knew that CS != computer stuff. I had some programming experience and never really liked it that much. What made me apply CS was probably implied familial pressure and income prospectives more than anything else.
My CS class is easy and uninspiring. I don't had the class. I just found the opinions within the department when going to club meetings advisory to be :/
This sucks. Having to study something you don't really like, and not knowing what you like. Have you ever created a program, just for yourself? Aren't there things that would be cool to program?
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On December 13 2012 17:25 Aerisky wrote:
Just curious, where do you go, donut? :o stalking reading some of your old posts, it seems like your a comp sci major or at least comp eng. Also I know you're just using MIT as an example, but there are plenty of colleges with fantastic cs programs that aren't t1 institutions, e.g. cmu, UoT, UCLA, udub, uni of texas austin, or UBC. CMU probably being the most outstanding one though. And yeah, I'm pretty sure upper div cs isn't that easy ...
I'm currently going to USC (Viterbi) and I'm in my final few semesters for undergrad.
While I absolutely adore my school and it's doing great in rankings (12th in the U.S. for engineering and we will keep climbing), I wish I would have applied to MIT (I probably would have got in). I was an idiot in HS. There's nothing wrong with these T2 schools. They are great. Hell, going to an engineering school at all is great accomplishment.
The reason I mention MIT is kinda of hard to understand if you're never been to the campus and spent any time there. MIT is, in my opinion, the best school for computer science because it's a school that's based around the hacker mentality. This isn't like stack-overflows kind of hacking. Hacking, before the media botched it, just meant having a superior knowledge and curiosity towards life (and thus, all subjects). The students at MIT don't compete with the school, they compete with each other.
That's what I've realized in the time I've spent at school. School is not just about getting an education, it's about setting yourself up in an atmosphere where learning is encouraged. That's what makes a school good. The students at MIT push each other really hard to be the best they can be. It's a school focused around math, physics, and the sciences in general. It's so hard to explain, but basically that hacker mentality at MIT is what makes the school amazing leagues beyond any other school.
Upper division CS at school barely scratches the surface of what CS has to offer. Hell, trying to get through "The Art of Computer Programming" is a lot harder than the CS classes I've taken!
*edit* In response to the interesting link posted above, USC and UCLA are gigantic rivals. Since we're both in LA and both schools are incredibly close in terms of academics (except we are currently destroying UCLA in engineering) you get a real sense of pride going to either school here. Trojans definitely have the better alumni, though.
*edit2* For reference, I'm a Computer Engineering and Computer Science (CECS) major at USC. Our Computer Science (CSCI) program is terrible. I don't know why anyone would pick that over CECS. Go figure. Probably why we're so high in computer engineering and not computer science...
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Ah, gotcha. Hope you enjoy your final few semesters and learn a lot, in any event
Now I'm really curious though: how come you like MIT so much? :D Kind of interesting to see how you like it so much--I mean, what's wrong with Stanford or CMU or Harvard CS? I have nothing but respect for MIT and the culture there, but what about other schools lol Those unis are also right at the top, but do you consider the lack of that kind of passion (as much as the word is thrown around nowadays) for hacking, as you put it--the active pursuit of knowledge etc--the deciding difference? What differentiates those other institutions from the CS programs at t2 schools, then? But yeah, Trojan alumni are definitely amazing.
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At least finals are over. Going home. Iunno what will come of it but at least it's not quite os stressful anymore.
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Is there anything at home worth coming back?
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they seem to have rationalized a bit (a lot)
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We'll see... my hopes for that lasting longer aren't high though, good luck.
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EPT
