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East Gorteau22261 Posts
Today, it's three years ago since my best friend took his own life. He'd been depressed for a long while before that, and most of the times he and I talked about his life, he talked about himself as something rather than someone.
I didn't really understand why, but he kept referring to himself as if he was some kind of broken toy or a construct with an original flaw. Something like that. Whenever he talked about himself, he talked as if he wasn't as much human as the rest of us. As if he existed only through some freak accident, and that he had never been meant to be.
I tried my best to convince him otherwise. I loved him. His family loved him. His other friends. But he was never quite convinced, never showing any signs of believing anything we said.
After he passed away, I thought a lot about everything. I'm not really an emotional person, most of the time. But on the rare occasion, I'm overwhelmed by feelings I don't really recognize. I never really knew the meaning of
Generally, I don't feel a lot. Maybe, because of the depression he was suffering from, I set aside my own emotions from time to time. Right now, my thoughts are wandering freely and I struggle to collect them. I struggle to make them coherent. And I can't make sense of them for the life of me.
Earlier today, when I was heading to the graveyard to put flowers on his grave, I ran into his father and sister, in tears. The problem is, I felt nothing. Or, of course I did, but not how people typically describe sadness. There was no overwhelming urge to cry, only what I can describe as, mostly, emptiness.
I was in pieces after he passed away, but looking back I'm unsure if I really was sad, or if I was just lost and confused.
I had no idea what to do with myself for the days following his suicide. I couldn't think properly, and I couldn't sleep.
But was I sad, I ask myself.
I just don't know. I hope I was, however twisted that may sound. But as of right now, I'm no more sure if I'm a "properly functioning human". I'm not even sure such a thing actually exists in practice. Do I feel sadness? Do I feel anything the way you "should"?
More than anything, I feel empty. I don't know what I really feel, because I mostly keep stuff bottled up inside. My best friend took his own life because he could not cope with living, because he was convinced he was broken. What are my petty concerns to anyone in the shadow of something like that? I know people say you need to let your emotions out, but I don't know how to.
I don't even know that I can.
I don't know. Right now, I'm doubting myself for no logical reason. I'm doubting that I feel what I should feel. I don't know if I'm doing what I should be doing right now. I don't really know anything.
Most probably, I'll wake up tomorrow and look at this blog and feel silly. I rarely doubt myself because there is no reason in doing so, but it kind of jumped me tonight.
If there is something beyond, I hope you're allright, buddy. You deserve it.
 
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It isn't really that odd that you don't feel that much. Take me, for example. I'm a nice guy. I'm constantly happy and overly energetic. I fucking love my family. But if my Dad were to die, I would rush about setting up the funeral, maybe shed a tear or two when it comes to looking at his cold dead body, and then as soon as he hits the bottom of his grave, start worrying about the living.
I'm the type of guy who just doesn't give a shit. And no, not the "fuck you, I don't care about you" kind of not giving a shit. And not the sort of dark and cold not giving a shit. I just don't feel as much as other people. And to me, that's perfectly normal and acceptable. I can survive rape, torture and life or death experiences with my mind intact, because I just don't give a shit.
You aren't any more "broken" than he was. You just feel less. And that is perfectly fine.
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Man, you're buddy.. what a waste. I feel for people whom our culture isolates and fucks up. Our culture is so strict on right and wrong. Perhaps too much of our identites are defined by labels such as male and female? Smart and stupid? Maybe we value ourselves and pride ourselves for the wrong reasons?
I think its fine that you did not want to greive at that time. You're obviously not a person who lacks the emotions and you care for this friend after he has passed. Our brains are able to repress things however. We can ignore emotions or thoughts that we find too painful.
I believe when we run away from things that our being really needs to confront then we lose time. We lose time focusing on the issues that are not closest to our hearts. I would like to reach out to you and others with my words but I can't find the key emotion of this.
Good job for being there for that troubled homie when you could. Stay strong <3
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It isn't about the breaths that took your moments away but the moments that took your breath away. Rest in peace sugamama. <3
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On October 10 2012 05:43 AnachronisticAnarchy wrote:
It isn't really that odd that you don't feel that much. Take me, for example. I'm a nice guy. I'm constantly happy and overly energetic. I fucking love my family. But if my Dad were to die, I would rush about setting up the funeral, maybe shed a tear or two when it comes to looking at his cold dead body, and then as soon as he hits the bottom of his grave, start worrying about the living.
I'm the type of guy who just doesn't give a shit. And no, not the "fuck you, I don't care about you" kind of not giving a shit. And not the sort of dark and cold not giving a shit. I just don't feel as much as other people. And to me, that's perfectly normal and acceptable. I can survive rape, torture and life or death experiences with my mind intact, because I just don't give a shit.
You aren't any more "broken" than he was. You just feel less. And that is perfectly fine.
I think you're being a bit presumptuous; have you actually experienced rape, torture, and life or death experiences? If not, I'm going to call bullshit on you just going 'ezpz, ain't no thang' to have all that done to you.
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On October 10 2012 07:28 Suc wrote:Show nested quote +On October 10 2012 05:43 AnachronisticAnarchy wrote:
It isn't really that odd that you don't feel that much. Take me, for example. I'm a nice guy. I'm constantly happy and overly energetic. I fucking love my family. But if my Dad were to die, I would rush about setting up the funeral, maybe shed a tear or two when it comes to looking at his cold dead body, and then as soon as he hits the bottom of his grave, start worrying about the living.
I'm the type of guy who just doesn't give a shit. And no, not the "fuck you, I don't care about you" kind of not giving a shit. And not the sort of dark and cold not giving a shit. I just don't feel as much as other people. And to me, that's perfectly normal and acceptable. I can survive rape, torture and life or death experiences with my mind intact, because I just don't give a shit.
You aren't any more "broken" than he was. You just feel less. And that is perfectly fine. I think you're being a bit presumptuous; have you actually experienced rape, torture, and life or death experiences? If not, I'm going to call bullshit on you just going 'ezpz, ain't no thang' to have all that done to you.
Exactly my thoughts. You can't say "I could survive so and so" unless you've actually experienced it.
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EPT
