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On October 07 2012 03:30 L_Master wrote:Show nested quote +The end result is that she feels very lonely. No one is ever texting/calling her (except occasionally her big) to ask to hangout, she always has to go to someone else to see if they’re available. And I don’t think this is the “well some people just don’t make the effort” kind of thing, more of the, other people have their own group of friends etc. My girlfriend isn’t really a part of any group. I’ve been trying to get her to join a club/sport but I looked into it myself today and the clubs offered by the school are pretty bland and there aren’t a lot. And my girlfriend isn’t really into any sports except soccer, but she hasn’t played in a while and doesn’t think she’d be good enough. And her point is that she wouldn’t be hanging out with anyone she met playing soccer outside of soccer, which I guess could be valid, although it’s not for sure.
I'll offer my thoughts on this part here. Bottom line is, she doesn't have many friends and isn't "connected" to any groups or social circles and is unhappy with the situation so something needs to change. She needs to just join one. Go do stuff with people, use campus organized meetings/events/clubs/etc. Show nested quote + I’ve been trying to get her to join a club/sport but I looked into it myself today and the clubs offered by the school are pretty bland and there aren’t a lot. Who cares if they are bland...she isn't going for the club content she would be going to socialize and meet people. If your just having fun and hanging with people the club doesn't have to be interesting at all as you'll just have fun hanging out. The other option, admittedly a bit more involved, would be for her to start a her own club in something she finds interesting. Either way, don't think of clubs as "I'm going because I love building model airplanes" think of it as "I'm going to use this club as a tool to meet people." Show nested quote +And her point is that she wouldn’t be hanging out with anyone she met playing soccer outside of soccer, What? Why on earth wouldn't she? Usually when you meet people and become friends with them you don't hang out exclusively in the context you met them. I didn't just hang out with people on my golf team at golf practice and tournaments. We were general friends and did all kinds of things together. Same applies to people I've met in various clubs, I don't just hang out with them at club functions.
Thanks for the ideas. I convinced her to look into the on campus intramural soccer thing, so we'll see how that goes. I'll try to get her to look into groups or clubs as well.
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On October 06 2012 19:30 Carbonyl wrote:
Firstly thanks for the response. I'll address your input in the order you gave it.
- I definitely want to encourage her to start doing an activity. Today I mentioned soccer but like I explained in the post she didn't seem too into it. I think next I will try to get her to start going to workouts offered at her school, there are "sunrise" and "sunset" workouts for zumba, cycling etc, and even some "candlelit yoga." She really enjoys working out so maybe it can be more than just something she does by herself.
The way I see it, it's very much on her to find an activity and make friends, but you need to be there as a cheerful foundation of support in the meantime. No real way for you to make friends for her, unfortunately.
- Yeah her working situation sucks. I've been to visit her two or three times already and have sat through a few work shifts. It's a long time to be sitting as a desk. When I'm not there, which is most of the time, I am usually in communication with her. Not constantly but a fair amount.
- Yeah she's allowed to study and she has brought her laptop many times. I don't know about the book/movie thing, I know sometimes her boss comes in while she's working to work out and I'm not sure what the rules are. I also know that she likes to study when she's not tired. She likes to utilize her time efficiently.
Hm ok. Best bet then might be just make sure you let her know you're thinking of her; carrying on a conversation via IM or text probably isn't feasible. I guess work is work, she just needs to adapt to her schedule.
Show nested quote +Don't be afraid to make friends with people in the area when you visit her, to help her bypass the mental barrier that might be keeping her from socializing more. - This one I'm not so sure on what you mean, although that's fair because you don't know the exact circumstances. Basically people in her area would be other students. And I am admittedly not the greatest with social interaction. I am friends with a few of her friends that go there though, although I'm not sure if that's what you mean? I'm not really savvy on meeting new people either, especially because I don't even go there.
Ah, should have been more clear. I meant that if you make friends, it's easier for her to become friends with them, too. But if it's difficult or not natural for you, definitely focus on other approaches.
- I admit your florist idea intrigues me, she would be floored if I did that. I don't have a ton of money but that's something I'll definitely look in to. I'm not sure what you mean about learning the area though. She lives there and has an easily accessible grocery store and pharmacy store (ie CVS), and doesn't need much hardware? She wouldn't be looking to me for suggestions as to what's in the area, that's for sure. There are popular dining spots among the students that everyone knows about though.
The flower thing doesn't have to be too often. Once every month is plenty; just managing it once is already awesome.
The knowing the stores/area thing is so that she feels like she's taken care of, even though you're not physically there. So when she complains about something, you can make helpful suggestions, that kind of thing. This goes as far as knowing where things are in her apartment so that when she asks what she can do if the wireless died, you can say, "oh just go behind the couch in the living room, unplug the router, then plug it in again." Again, this is because you're providing support for her--she won't be able to text her friend and ask, she might come to you.
Show nested quote +Don't forget to be the one who calls her. Ask for her schedule, make it obvious from your tone and your planning that you look forward to talking to her. Make every visit count (i.e. plan something more than just sitting at home) so that she has something to look forward to, whether she visits you, or you her. - I'm getting better with calling her more. We usually end up talking once or twice a day, during breaks. I actually have her class schedule as my desktop background. As for planning it's not always that easy. The viable times I can visit her are tuesday night/wednesday or friday-sunday. A tuesday night when I get there at 9 at the earliest can't hold much activity, although I guess I could fit in dinner or something. And she has class at 4 wednesday and we generally don't wake up until 9 or 10 so there's limited time. I will try to plan out some ideas more. A lot of the time we don't really do much, so planning based on maybe school activities or outside stuff would be a great idea.
My main point is this: you have to be a positive influence, and you must demonstrate your connection to her (or else she'll feel completely alone). Don't just plan, be enthusiastic about planning. Be happy about calling her, and make it clear that you look forward to seeing her. Even if you don't have much time together, just a "joke" plan where you acknowledge how little time you have, e.g. no time for fancy dinner so you bring plastic candles and a red shirt or cloth (fake tablecloth) and just eat some fast food you bought on the drive over on that. As long as you're smiling (and some silly fake formal manners won't hurt), she'll love and appreciate that you're making the best of the situation. Being positive counts for way, way more than the actual activity or the amount of time spent together.
This is hard-earned knowledge. I am making sure to emphasize it because you sound a little dejected in the way you talk about all this, and I'm worried that it shows in your voice when you call her to work out schedules and whatnot.
Again, thanks for the response. I'm just somewhat at a loss. We're good on the relationship level, this is just a personal issue for her that I want to be supportive/helpful with and I'm having a hard time doing that.
You're welcome, best of luck. Feel free to PM me, too.
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Alright, let me see if I understand your situation and hopefully my insight and help! I also don't wise to type out some long essay, so I'm going to try and keep it short but if you actually wish for me to go into further details I can.
The way I see the situation is... First, your main job should just be you being there for moral and emotional support when you are not able to be there in person (Texts, phone calls etc..), your relationship seems to be a semi-long distance one but not one so far away that it is impossible to see each other. During the times while you are away just try and be able to answer her messages and calls when she is feeling down and or lonely, and you can also set up flowers (and other things) to be sent over to her place to cheer her up if things get really bad.
Don't put it all on you!!, your girlfriend still has a level of responsibility to adhere too. I understand that if your best friend from the passed year doesn't come back at the same time you thought she was going to so it kind of messes things up. But there are still plenty of ways around this and also, this could have easily been avoided. For instance, work ending at 8pm on a Saturday all of a sudden means her weekend is over? Shes lucky, I'm stuck working till 11pm on some weeks but I still manage to make it out and hang out and or party with my friends for a few hours (Pub, bar, house party). She just has to put an extra effort into it, thats all. I understand that branching out and being more social is an extremely grueling task (trust me, it pains me to do it too). Being in her third year if i understand it correctly, this is a prime time to really push the envelope and start to make connections with people in school and connect with others who share very similar interests like you. You should try and talk her into really pushing to be more social in her classroom settings where she has people who should somewhat have the same interests as her on some level and move on from there.
I'm really tired and don't want to type anymore tonight, sorry. I'll read this again in the morning and add more if you wish but I think you get the basics of what I'm trying to say.
TL;DR. It's not all on your shoulders to make things better for her. While you most certainly are there to help and comfort her, its her job to meet new people and socialize. Good luck man!
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On October 07 2012 17:32 Shelke14 wrote:
Alright, let me see if I understand your situation and hopefully my insight and help! I also don't wise to type out some long essay, so I'm going to try and keep it short but if you actually wish for me to go into further details I can.
The way I see the situation is... First, your main job should just be you being there for moral and emotional support when you are not able to be there in person (Texts, phone calls etc..), your relationship seems to be a semi-long distance one but not one so far away that it is impossible to see each other. During the times while you are away just try and be able to answer her messages and calls when she is feeling down and or lonely, and you can also set up flowers (and other things) to be sent over to her place to cheer her up if things get really bad.
Don't put it all on you!!, your girlfriend still has a level of responsibility to adhere too. I understand that if your best friend from the passed year doesn't come back at the same time you thought she was going to so it kind of messes things up. But there are still plenty of ways around this and also, this could have easily been avoided. For instance, work ending at 8pm on a Saturday all of a sudden means her weekend is over? Shes lucky, I'm stuck working till 11pm on some weeks but I still manage to make it out and hang out and or party with my friends for a few hours (Pub, bar, house party). She just has to put an extra effort into it, thats all. I understand that branching out and being more social is an extremely grueling task (trust me, it pains me to do it too). Being in her third year if i understand it correctly, this is a prime time to really push the envelope and start to make connections with people in school and connect with others who share very similar interests like you. You should try and talk her into really pushing to be more social in her classroom settings where she has people who should somewhat have the same interests as her on some level and move on from there.
I'm really tired and don't want to type anymore tonight, sorry. I'll read this again in the morning and add more if you wish but I think you get the basics of what I'm trying to say.
TL;DR. It's not all on your shoulders to make things better for her. While you most certainly are there to help and comfort her, its her job to meet new people and socialize. Good luck man!
Well she does go out on some saturdays (went out last night in fact), she realizes she has time then.
I'll think I'll ask her more about connecting with people in her major, that's actually some solid advice regardless of the situation.
And I do try and provide the best support I can when I'm not there, we text all the time and call on average once a day.
Thanks for the advice and input, much appreciated.
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EPT
