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TL;DR: My girlfriend, a junior at a University, is feeling really lonely at her school. How can I comfort her, and/or how can she overcome this? She wants a 'go-to' type friend (not actively looking for that one person, she's just wishing she had one).
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My girlfriend attends a private Christian university about an hour and a half away from our shared hometown (where I currently live).
The problem is that she feels that she doesn't have very many (any) really good friends at her school.
Her freshman year she hung out with the same 2 people a lot of the time, and generally branched off from them and they were how she met new people. Let’s call them John and Mary. And then I would come up to visit occasionally. She wasn't close with her roommate. They weren't enemies, but they didn't ever hangout together.
She went to Italy as part of her school's Study Abroad program for fall semester of her sophomore year, Mary went as well and they actually roomed together. John stayed at school due to other commitments.
However when she came back, she was in a somewhat awkward situation. At her school MANY of the sophomores go abroad (greater than 50% I think). Some stay abroad for only a semester, some stay the entire year. So many of her friends, especially the ones she made as part of her program, were still gone when she returned (including Mary, who stayed in Italy). John made new friends and was hanging out primarily with them.
That spring semester upon her return, she decided to join one of the sororities at her school. It was something she had always thought about doing and people in her study abroad program who were already apart of sororities convinced her to look into it. So she joined with a few other people, and began taking part in their activities, getting a "big sister," doing their formal, etc. So she joined the sorority and received a lot of attention from her big, etc, but her big is a year older than her and has other friends that are her “best friends.”
Also in spring semester, she roomed with one of her good friends that she had made the previous year, Jane, who was a senior. They hung out quite a bit and were very good friends. They actually roomed together on her return from Europe.
So this year comes around but Jane has graduated. Mary is back, but it’s been a whole semester+summer since they've hung out, and Mary has some of her own friends and is closer to some of the people that stayed in Italy. John is still around, but now he largely hangs out with other people. So my girlfriend currently has no one that she can call her “best friend,” someone that’s always there for her, to do homework with, to go shopping with (even just grocery), to go do stuff with. She sees her sorority “big” and some other people (big’s friend plus friend’s “little”). But the big and the big’s friend live off campus.
She lives in on campus housing in an apartment with 3 other girls, 2 to a room. Her original plan in living in that specific apartment was to live with a girl who she went to Italy with, Beth, who was also in the sorority. She was hoping that Beth would become her “go-to” friend (and vice-versa of course). But check-in day comes and on short notice, Beth isn’t attending school this semester/year due to family issues. So my girlfriend is in a house with two people that she isn’t familiar with (a replacement for Beth would be assigned later, a senior who doesn’t interact with the other roommates much). She is on good terms with them and has even hung out with her bedroom mate on a few occasions (workouts and stuff), but the roommate is pretty busy and independent (I think, this is what I’ve gathered from this year so far).
My girlfriend also works Friday night from 7pm-12am and Saturday from 11am-2pm and then again from 4pm-8pm (I think, or something very close to this) at the school’s gym. So her weekend nights are a wash, can’t hang/go out (she got really unlucky with the schedule). At her job it’s just one person working the shift at a desk, so there’s really no chance for socializing with coworkers.
The end result is that she feels very lonely. No one is ever texting/calling her (except occasionally her big) to ask to hangout, she always has to go to someone else to see if they’re available. And I don’t think this is the “well some people just don’t make the effort” kind of thing, more of the, other people have their own group of friends etc. My girlfriend isn’t really a part of any group. I’ve been trying to get her to join a club/sport but I looked into it myself today and the clubs offered by the school are pretty bland and there aren’t a lot. And my girlfriend isn’t really into any sports except soccer, but she hasn’t played in a while and doesn’t think she’d be good enough. And her point is that she wouldn’t be hanging out with anyone she met playing soccer outside of soccer, which I guess could be valid, although it’s not for sure.
If you’re still reading then you’re a saint. I am writing this blog to ask for help on her behalf really. I don’t know what to tell her when she tells me she’s lonely. I don’t say “yeah, you’re right no one likes you” of course, but I’m really at a loss. I feel really bad for her and I think this is weighing pretty heavily on her right now. If anyone has any advice or recommendations I would love to hear them, either for what I can do to help her or ideas for her to try.
Thanks for reading.
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Encourage her to follow her interests and start doing some kind of activity. That's the best way for her to keep herself occupied, and a great way to meet people. Perhaps the only way to really connect with someone well enough for a "go-to" type of friend.
The rest of this is mostly going to be stuff you can do to cheer her up; it's on her to find and make that friend she seems to want so much.
Her work hours sound terrible, can't get around that, and working alone just makes it that much worse, but you should be aware that just sending her a quick text or email (if she has a smartphone and checks email) can make the whole shift much, much brighter. If you have to, go so far as to pre-write one and use an automation service to send it 15-20 minutes into her shift.
Also, if it's like the gym shifts that I've seen, maybe she can bring her laptop and watch a show or movie, or bring a book if it can't be that obvious. Make suggestions of books/movies you like and like to talk about, then it's almost like she's connecting with you by reading/watching it, if that's clear.
Don't be afraid to make friends with people in the area when you visit her, to help her bypass the mental barrier that might be keeping her from socializing more.
Learn the area so you can make wise suggestions--hardware store, late night food, etc. I personally like to visit the local florist so that I can relatively easily send a "just because" bouquet, or even a single rose (delivery will cost more than the rose, FYI). That's the kind of thing that makes someone's week.
Don't forget to be the one who calls her. Ask for her schedule, make it obvious from your tone and your planning that you look forward to talking to her. Make every visit count (i.e. plan something more than just sitting at home) so that she has something to look forward to, whether she visits you, or you her.
That's all I can remember off the top of my head. GL.
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Sorry, I read through but can't think of anything to offer except a bump and my moral support/good wishes ><
Best of luck man, hope she can find some friends and not feel lonely anymore!! :x
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I found this lacking. Any blog with "girl" in the title should have way more drama. Disappoint.
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On October 06 2012 18:23 6xFPCs wrote:+ Show Spoiler +Encourage her to follow her interests and start doing some kind of activity. That's the best way for her to keep herself occupied, and a great way to meet people. Perhaps the only way to really connect with someone well enough for a "go-to" type of friend.
The rest of this is mostly going to be stuff you can do to cheer her up; it's on her to find and make that friend she seems to want so much.
Her work hours sound terrible, can't get around that, and working alone just makes it that much worse, but you should be aware that just sending her a quick text or email (if she has a smartphone and checks email) can make the whole shift much, much brighter. If you have to, go so far as to pre-write one and use an automation service to send it 15-20 minutes into her shift.
Also, if it's like the gym shifts that I've seen, maybe she can bring her laptop and watch a show or movie, or bring a book if it can't be that obvious. Make suggestions of books/movies you like and like to talk about, then it's almost like she's connecting with you by reading/watching it, if that's clear.
Don't be afraid to make friends with people in the area when you visit her, to help her bypass the mental barrier that might be keeping her from socializing more.
Learn the area so you can make wise suggestions--hardware store, late night food, etc. I personally like to visit the local florist so that I can relatively easily send a "just because" bouquet, or even a single rose (delivery will cost more than the rose, FYI). That's the kind of thing that makes someone's week.
Don't forget to be the one who calls her. Ask for her schedule, make it obvious from your tone and your planning that you look forward to talking to her. Make every visit count (i.e. plan something more than just sitting at home) so that she has something to look forward to, whether she visits you, or you her.
That's all I can remember off the top of my head. GL.
Firstly thanks for the response. I'll address your input in the order you gave it.
- I definitely want to encourage her to start doing an activity. Today I mentioned soccer but like I explained in the post she didn't seem too into it. I think next I will try to get her to start going to workouts offered at her school, there are "sunrise" and "sunset" workouts for zumba, cycling etc, and even some "candlelit yoga." She really enjoys working out so maybe it can be more than just something she does by herself.
- Yeah her working situation sucks. I've been to visit her two or three times already and have sat through a few work shifts. It's a long time to be sitting as a desk. When I'm not there, which is most of the time, I am usually in communication with her. Not constantly but a fair amount.
- Yeah she's allowed to study and she has brought her laptop many times. I don't know about the book/movie thing, I know sometimes her boss comes in while she's working to work out and I'm not sure what the rules are. I also know that she likes to study when she's not tired. She likes to utilize her time efficiently.
Don't be afraid to make friends with people in the area when you visit her, to help her bypass the mental barrier that might be keeping her from socializing more.
- This one I'm not so sure on what you mean, although that's fair because you don't know the exact circumstances. Basically people in her area would be other students. And I am admittedly not the greatest with social interaction. I am friends with a few of her friends that go there though, although I'm not sure if that's what you mean? I'm not really savvy on meeting new people either, especially because I don't even go there.
- I admit your florist idea intrigues me, she would be floored if I did that. I don't have a ton of money but that's something I'll definitely look in to. I'm not sure what you mean about learning the area though. She lives there and has an easily accessible grocery store and pharmacy store (ie CVS), and doesn't need much hardware? She wouldn't be looking to me for suggestions as to what's in the area, that's for sure. There are popular dining spots among the students that everyone knows about though.
Don't forget to be the one who calls her. Ask for her schedule, make it obvious from your tone and your planning that you look forward to talking to her. Make every visit count (i.e. plan something more than just sitting at home) so that she has something to look forward to, whether she visits you, or you her.
- I'm getting better with calling her more. We usually end up talking once or twice a day, during breaks. I actually have her class schedule as my desktop background. As for planning it's not always that easy. The viable times I can visit her are tuesday night/wednesday or friday-sunday. A tuesday night when I get there at 9 at the earliest can't hold much activity, although I guess I could fit in dinner or something. And she has class at 4 wednesday and we generally don't wake up until 9 or 10 so there's limited time. I will try to plan out some ideas more. A lot of the time we don't really do much, so planning based on maybe school activities or outside stuff would be a great idea.
Again, thanks for the response. I'm just somewhat at a loss. We're good on the relationship level, this is just a personal issue for her that I want to be supportive/helpful with and I'm having a hard time doing that.
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On October 06 2012 18:23 Aerisky wrote:
Sorry, I read through but can't think of anything to offer except a bump and my moral support/good wishes ><
Best of luck man, hope she can find some friends and not feel lonely anymore!! :x
Thank you, really. I'll take sympathy at this point.
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Maybe she will end up becoming good friends with her roomates in the future... but is there any way you can go down to visit her, it's not too far away? I'm sure she'd love it~
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Wow, I know what you mean about your gf's situation, but I have never experienced this "need" for someone to talk to. I would probably advise her to become a geeky gamer chick on the internetz and make youtube vids or play multiplayer games. That's what a percentage of gamers are like, they don't have any friends in real life so they just play video games.
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Not sure how much you can do. Maybe when you go visit her, try to make group plans with a few of her acquaintances, go out to a bar or dinner together. I don't understand how people can complain about certain things without putting any effort in. Join a club. Start playing a sport. Anything. She needs to actively put herself out there otherwise nothing will change. Does she not even talk to her classmates? Ask someone if they want to do some homework together or study and then they can go get a coffee after or lunch.
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Is she incapable of retaining friends or something? She doesn't see someone for a while and they suddenly drop of the friends list? She can pick up the fucking phone and call Billie or bob or whatever right? I don't know if this is a woman thing or if it's just a coincidence, but I seem to hear a lot about girls who bring every social bridge after they move somewhere else or something else changes. I guess you could tell her to sick it up and make friends instead of complaining about it...
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where's your girl at? i'll go visit her 
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The end result is that she feels very lonely. No one is ever texting/calling her (except occasionally her big) to ask to hangout, she always has to go to someone else to see if they’re available. And I don’t think this is the “well some people just don’t make the effort” kind of thing, more of the, other people have their own group of friends etc. My girlfriend isn’t really a part of any group. I’ve been trying to get her to join a club/sport but I looked into it myself today and the clubs offered by the school are pretty bland and there aren’t a lot. And my girlfriend isn’t really into any sports except soccer, but she hasn’t played in a while and doesn’t think she’d be good enough. And her point is that she wouldn’t be hanging out with anyone she met playing soccer outside of soccer, which I guess could be valid, although it’s not for sure.
I'll offer my thoughts on this part here.
Bottom line is, she doesn't have many friends and isn't "connected" to any groups or social circles and is unhappy with the situation so something needs to change.
My girlfriend isn’t really a part of any group.
She needs to just join one. Go do stuff with people, use campus organized meetings/events/clubs/etc.
I’ve been trying to get her to join a club/sport but I looked into it myself today and the clubs offered by the school are pretty bland and there aren’t a lot.
Who cares if they are bland...she isn't going for the club content she would be going to socialize and meet people. If your just having fun and hanging with people the club doesn't have to be interesting at all as you'll just have fun hanging out.
The other option, admittedly a bit more involved, would be for her to start a her own club in something she finds interesting.
Either way, don't think of clubs as "I'm going because I love building model airplanes" think of it as "I'm going to use this club as a tool to meet people."
And her point is that she wouldn’t be hanging out with anyone she met playing soccer outside of soccer,
What?
Why on earth wouldn't she?
Usually when you meet people and become friends with them you don't hang out exclusively in the context you met them. I didn't just hang out with people on my golf team at golf practice and tournaments. We were general friends and did all kinds of things together. Same applies to people I've met in various clubs, I don't just hang out with them at club functions.
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Join a study group. Your girlfriend may not have the time to socialize at parties but she has to study anyways. Just don't let her get into playing games with them.
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College can be lonely and also overwhelming. Some people connect immediately, but a lot of students are walking around feeling completely detached. But yeah, clubs help a lot, and study groups were how I did it. Absurdly hard courses essentially force people to clot together for hours a week for a greater cause.
There's very little that you can do, though. This is on her, kind of another sink-or-swim initiation of life. Your concerns for your girlfriend are completely reasonable, though.
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On October 06 2012 21:33 belldandy wrote:
Maybe she will end up becoming good friends with her roomates in the future... but is there any way you can go down to visit her, it's not too far away? I'm sure she'd love it~
That's what I'm hoping will happen.
But I do visit her fairly often (about twice a month).The problem isn't so much loneliness in general, it's the not having any close friend at school.
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On October 06 2012 23:39 thoraxe wrote:
Wow, I know what you mean about your gf's situation, but I have never experienced this "need" for someone to talk to. I would probably advise her to become a geeky gamer chick on the internetz and make youtube vids or play multiplayer games. That's what a percentage of gamers are like, they don't have any friends in real life so they just play video games.
I'm not sure what you mean by "need for someone to talk to." She's wants the connection of a close friend, which does include talking to them regularly... But the goal isn't to find someone to spew word vomit on. Also, she hates video games.
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It's unfortunate that she didn't make any good friends in her first year(s) in college and her work schedule makes it very very difficult. If she really wants to socialize, I suggest her to quit some of her weekend shifts so she can relax and have some free time. I find girls have it easier to make friends- if she takes the initiative to talk to someone in class, lunch, etc. then I don't think many people would turn her down.
I'm assuming she's a Christian; does she go to church? I find many church goers very friendly and encouraging. I came to a foreign country only only one person and the churches I've gone to have been very helpful socially and spiritually. God is good!
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On October 07 2012 01:04 B.I.G. wrote:
Is she incapable of retaining friends or something? She doesn't see someone for a while and they suddenly drop of the friends list? She can pick up the fucking phone and call Billie or bob or whatever right? I don't know if this is a woman thing or if it's just a coincidence, but I seem to hear a lot about girls who bring every social bridge after they move somewhere else or something else changes. I guess you could tell her to sick it up and make friends instead of complaining about it...
Wow. Any girl that dates you I feel bad for :/
Sorry if my blog made you angry though, seems to have hit a nerve of yours.
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On October 07 2012 05:12 MountainDewJunkie wrote:
College can be lonely and also overwhelming. Some people connect immediately, but a lot of students are walking around feeling completely detached. But yeah, clubs help a lot, and study groups were how I did it. Absurdly hard courses essentially force people to clot together for hours a week for a greater cause.
There's very little that you can do, though. This is on her, kind of another sink-or-swim initiation of life. Your concerns for your girlfriend are completely reasonable, though.
Thanks for the perspective, I appreciate it.
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On October 07 2012 09:48 il0seonpurpose wrote:
It's unfortunate that she didn't make any good friends in her first year(s) in college and her work schedule makes it very very difficult. If she really wants to socialize, I suggest her to quit some of her weekend shifts so she can relax and have some free time. I find girls have it easier to make friends- if she takes the initiative to talk to someone in class, lunch, etc. then I don't think many people would turn her down.
I'm assuming she's a Christian; does she go to church? I find many church goers very friendly and encouraging. I came to a foreign country only only one person and the churches I've gone to have been very helpful socially and spiritually. God is good!
Thanks for the input.
The things is, she can't really drop shifts. The schedule stays the same every week, and if you want your shift covered then you're responsible for it. And those are her only two shifts of the week. And she needs the job to pay for her sorority dues, unfortunately.
Yeah she's Christian and goes to church services at her school sometimes. I have no idea what those entail though. I don't think they're as sociable as ones at home where families would go to together (or friends).
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EPT
