EPT
I really love this song, I first heard it when I was a kid and was watching Top Gun. You get exposed to a lot of pop culture from movies when you're parents aren't from that culture. Things like the Beatles, the Rolling Stones, etc, much of those songs I learned from my friend's parents or from my friends themselves. But why I love this song is cause it always eases my soul, especially when I'm in a foreign country and on a long trip away from my family.
Watching Normal
I can say, when I was a kid, I was pretty extroverted, but nowadays, I can go days and weeks without contact with anyone I'd really consider a friend, just alone with my work and meetings, and I'll take a break and take a walk outside of the hotel with an ice tea and just walk around the block, find somewhere to sit, and just watch the locals walk on by, busy at whatever normal life they are doing and it relaxes me to think about home and doing the normal things that I do when I get to be at home with my family.
Missing the First Words, Twice
I've had a pretty whirlwind last couple of months; surgery, stuck in a national flood, been to 5 different countries in the last 2 months in a wheelchair and am on the verge of closing the biggest contract of my career by a magnitude of 20. So it's big, so big that it may change the face of my entire industry, or at least here in Asia. But there has been some significant costs to bring it to this point, mainly, that I have now missed 3 out of the last 4 months of my sons' lives, and at ages 14 months and 3 and a half years, it's relatively a lot for them and for me as well.
I've missed my second's sons' first words, as I've missed my first son's first words 2 years ago. While I'm far healthier than I've been in a while, as I've stopped smoking and drinking, the lack of sleep (as one TLer mentioned to me-as the thing I need the most post surgery) has been severely missing and my ankle has definitely not healed properly as it clicks and hurts the same way it did pre-surgery, so while they may have been a minor improvement, I basically fucked myself a bit here - its not likely I will be able to play rugby again.
Just a Pocket of Space
So is it worth it all, for this industry changing agreement? Here is where you could say, nothing is worth that, or you could assume that I'm doing it just for money etc, but give me the benefit of the doubt for a moment, and let me explain, because this isn't a post to feel sorry for myself. I'm not a kid, I know what the consequences of my actions are, and I'm writing just because for me, its a bit like sitting at the end of the docks, just a pocket of time and space where I can just enjoy being alive, where I'm at, even if I miss my kids like hell and probably have another 2 weeks before I can even can consider to seeing my family again. But, it's good for a moment to be able to step away from everything as if you're a time bubble, not to get perspective, but just to really take a breath that isn't held back with any concerns or thoughts. Just for a moment.
It's Really Tough Isn't It?
My wife is extremely supportive, she always has been and she knew what kind of man she married, there hasn't been any real surprises on that front. But a couple of months ago, she said, 'it's really tough isn't it?' and I've been defensive as of late, not because I'm afraid of criticism but I feel extremely sorry/terrible to my wife who I've not provided as well as I have done previously and dragged her and the kids to 2 different countries over the last 2 years so that they could be with me while I worked. But now they are staying in Korea, simply because our 3 and half year old is going to school now.
There isn't much I can say to my wife because the start-up situation doesn't change much on a month to month basis. But before I could say something, she says, 'stop, I know what you're going to say, I'm not blaming you, I'm just saying its tough and I just wanted to express that, so don't tell me it's going to be all right or that you have it covered, I know you do and I know it will be, but I just need to say, it's tough and for you to just hear that from me, cause I don't have anyone else to really say it to...' What could I say? I said, 'baby, I know, it's tough, thank you and you know I'm sorry every day and every minute to you and the family.' Then she reached out and punched me in the chest and said, 'now go and do some work and make it happen or else I'll really kill you for putting us through this hell!'. 'Yes my Queen of the Zerg Hivemind' Her physically abusing me is a necessary cost of appeasing her repressed Korean female violence.
World Cup- One Time
I'm really beyond talking about 'hacks' in the industry, co-workers that suck, and bosses that are assholes. It just doesn't apply to me anymore, in where I'm at. I'm at that point where I have the opportunity to see if I'm really as good as I think I am, if I can duke it out with the best of the best that the world has to offer. It's like you can be the best damn rugby player in the world, but if you're in Canada, you're never going to have the chance to test that, proof that you are. I mean, being on team Canada is great, but even if you're that great, just cause your team isn't that great, means that you're never going to have the chance to play in the finals of the Rugby world cup, you're never going to be distinguished as the world's best. Maybe that doesn't change the fact that , yes, you are the best, but the lack of the right opportunity or conditions to perform and actually realized that achievement, in of itself, to me, is tragic. It's tragic because life isn't about knowing, but about doing, and I'd like flex, push and perform at the highest level I can and watch what happens. Like being the best of the best but never winning the championship ring, ie. King James pre 2012 (but he won it).
Exposed
Much like being the 'go to guy' in a professional sports team, in business, you need to put yourself in a position, not only to be in a team that has a shot, but to be exposed. Exposed to either do great things or to fail miserably. But business isn't as simple as playing a game with set rules and a referee and video play back. But also business, no matter how hard, isn't as hard as being the premier or governor or president of a nation where you can be shit on by the public that don't know really know your character or intentions. But in putting yourself out there, you are saying, you want to push yourself to be tested and to push back and say fuck y'all, I'm still here motherfuckers, come get some more. Kinda like when you're doing your testing for Brazilian jujitsu and they keep on giving you continuous rounds of new partners to fight to see if you can step up to it.
Hit Me Again, Please
Real life is far less romantic then the above description though, it's more like I've been fucked up multiple times, thrown around, left for dead, tried to crawl to cry somewhere and get hauled back in for another ass kicking, then as I'm barely conscious I realized that the fuckers got bored and gave me some time to at least spit the blood out of my mouth. But after months, possibly years (luckily its only been 2 years for me thus far), of getting mauled you finally get a lucky break, that you've been holding out for, just surviving to get to, finally just happens, and let go of the last safety rope that you've been counting on, and make that jump.
I'm Batman?
I don't know if this jump I'm making is going to suddenly make me Batman 2.0 to kick Bane's ass with my hot ass Catwoman, and really I'm not thinking that far ahead, I'm just there, at the ledge, with no rope and just going to make the leap. And I'm not doing it for the cash, power or influence, I'm not doing it for ego cause I want to go back to crushing companies that piss me off, cause really I had all that and it wasn't it. I just want to do what what I was meant/chosen/fought to get the opportunity to do, and to know I didn't live my life being less than what I could have been. I won't regret that, that I went for it, but..
I Will Regret
I can't say, that I won't have regrets about this moment, the cost of it all, to miss my 2nd son's first words as I did my 1st son's first words, the time spend alone in hotel rooms and not with my wife, but selfish as it seems, it's not like what I'm able to do is just possible because of just me. My staff, my family, and the people I work with have put some measure of faith in me as well that I am as good as I put myself out to be and that I wont' disappoint. Of course, I've put myself out there to take on that responsibility and the cost to even have the right to take it on.But if I didn't have the support of my wife in this, I wouldn't even be close to where I'm at now.
Woman
Many juniors of mine have asked, 'MightyAtom-hyung, should I marry my girlfriend?' And while it may be considered a crappy unromantic response to non-Koreans, and I assume that my juniors do love their girlfriends to even be asking me if they should be getting married or not. I always say, 'Does she make you a better man? If she doesn't and you don't for her, then forget about it, just enjoy the sex and the romance, but if you can sacrifice yourself to build a family around her, and she will be there to see you to the end, then marry her and stop asking me stupid questions and start making some babies.'
So when I'm out here, I'm not thinking about the glory of the achievement, about the power overwhelming that is sure to come my way so I can start to wield it to annihilate battle cruisers and carriers, truth is, that if I do cross this particular finish line, it will be as a bloody beaten pulp who is just able to crawl over it. The path that I'm on, I made that decision years ago to be on it, and whatever immaturity or emotion that pointed me this way, has been long washed away. I'm here without apologies. But, this moment is, no matter how big it seems, is just another day of the good fight.
As the song plays in the background, and I'm here, alone with my pocket of space, all I'm thinking about, more than missing my kids, is that when this quest is over, I'm gonna sit with my woman and just enjoy the watching the tide roll away, wasting time.
