EPT"Dude, thats so deep. You should write a blog or something"
Huh. Funny what things can come out when studying for sociology. I consider myself to be an outsider, even to the group of friends that inhabit my sociology class. I consider myself to lack something they all have.
Confidence, motivation, happiness. These are all things I consider myself to lack and they seem to have in abundance. Due to my awkwardness (Why do you think I lurk so much on TL?) I never seem to be able to fit into their little community
Yet, I am forced into contact with them, simply because I cannot push myself away from human contact. I grow lazy, unable to motivate myself. Without others I have no benchmark and cannot compare myself to anything.
My biggest problem I find when interacting with others is arranging the thoughts in my head, and presenting them in a intresting format. I make terrible jokes, unintresting or random observations. By being constantly in self reflection while interacting with others, I inhibit myself by spending a limited resource (my brain power) on things that are useless. The best, smoothest things in life are done automaticly and mechnaicly.
I felt this, a few weeks ago when practing Taekwondo. There was a girl there, I had not seen in awhile, around my age and somewhat attractive (In a alternative way). Normally, the fact that she was there would've impeded my concentration unconciously. However due to the fact that I was angry (School earlier had been shitty) and had alcohol in my system, I performed far better, use both factors to my advantage, trying harder then I normally would have. I began performing kicks and patterns roboticly.
If you need a better example, think of a game of Starcraft. The game goes so fast, with so many actions that have to be performed every second for the player to think about what will happen next. They cannot conciously control their army and think about what will happen next. They either have to devote all their concious thought to what is currently happening, or use breaks where they can just unconciously control their army, resources, etc, while thinking.
This is my problem. Except in certain situtations, I am constantly second guessing myself and what I am doing. While I believe self-doubt is good in moderate portions, constant self doubt is just a slow sucicide.
And what does this happen to do with the community? Well currently I am on break. I have four weeks and the only obligation I have is my first job (Fast food ftw). I can either spend those fours weeks waiting for school to start, or I can try, once again to improve my life. One of the ways I want to improve is in just general writing. I enjoy writing and have English essays looming that mark the end of High School.
So, over these next few weeks, I want to give you atleast 1 blog per week. I am not promising you that they will be intresting or amusing, or even well written. I only want to promise you that in the future, they will exist. All I want from you is critism, maybe praise and to keep me motivated if I fall behind.
Deal?
