EPTAnyway, we had a lot of drama that I found out about later. A lot. Some stuff that doesn't feel right to talk about at all to anyone, and some that is just awful. I said some pretty terrible things out of hurt and anger that I don't even remember, but I've seen the texts to know that it actually happened. It's pretty scary.
We started talking again a few weeks ago and kind of reconnected in a rather meaningful way. We were actually nice and open for a change. I began to entertain the possibility of going back to her and etc. etc. but still was nervous about the idea because I didn't want to go crazy and hurt this phenomenal person again. However, because of the time difference a lot of the time I end up not quite functional and saying things that come out all wrong.
It's been hard. I miss her. I don't want to feel that miserable again as I did at the end but I think I can stop it. I'm scared and feeling lonely and it's been wicked hard to adapt coming off a 2.5 year relationship into trying to meet girls that I have no real interest in, which just means I drink too much and have a lovely scar on my face to show from a really emotional night on skype with her + tequila.
I just want everything to get back the way it was before I left. Can it? Am I trying to recapture something that can't be again because I'm lonely and homesick? Do I really love her? It hasn't been easy to figure out, especially with exams and graduations and everything driving me up the wall. I just miss her. She thinks I'm only in it for sex. It's not true but I can't convince her otherwise. I just want to fix everything but I'm afraid that I can't
