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thedeadhaji
39489 Posts
I'm in my mid twenties. Over the years, I've kept company with some friends for well over a decade. But while I still mesh well with many of these friends, I find that I have gradually grown apart from some others. As our hobbies, habits, preferences, and priorities grow apart, so too does the friendship, at least on week to week basis. Even if I still respect the person or think he's an awesome guy, this usually means that I'd prefer to spend less time with him. If our hobbies and preferences are disparate, then it probably means that I don't particularly like doing what he likes to do. If he likes to party it up in the city into the wee hours of the night, and I prefer to go home by 10pm and sleep by midnight, then we'll naturally spend less time with each other as our preferences become clearer. It could even mean that I'd rather not have a "meaningful" conversation with him, if we have very little in the way of common interests or priorities in our respective lives. Such differences in nature doesn't necessarily preclude a friendship from persevering; I have friends who are almost the polar opposite of me in many ways. But in general, differences don't help the cause. As they say in Japan, "Similarity brings friends". But let's thing about it for a moment. If we are very different people now, is it such a bad thing that the friendship is withering away? If we genuinely don't enjoy doing the things that the other person likes to do, then we really only have two options: (1) go along for the ride and take part in the activity with at best a lukewarm attitude, or (2) outright decline any invitations. Sometimes I take option (1), but most of the time I take option (2). If I don't enjoy doing something, why should I force myself to spend the money, time, and energy to play the part? If I've established that the vast majority of my friend's habits and activities are those that I don't enjoy, then there really isn't much for me to enjoy in the friendship itself, is there? I think it's perfectly okay if we no longer enjoy being around certain friends after the years have gone by. As we grow older, we all change, for better or for worse. We have gone through different experiences, have have lived different lives. That some of us become "dissimilar people" is a natural consequence of life. Let's accept this, and move on. You're powerless in bringing back a flower that has withered. Cherish the close friendships that you still have, and enjoy them to the fullest. Grow the great relationships that you have with the rest of your friends. Look for new friendships that give you great joy and inspiration. Make them bloom.
Crossposted from my main blog
 
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Korea (South)17174 Posts
true friendships never ever fucken wither no matter what
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thedeadhaji
39489 Posts
Or maybe I have no real friends!
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Korea (South)17174 Posts
i agree with you for the most part with semi-friends or acquaintances, or possibly even applying to childhood/growing up friends
but theres something different to be said about making a true friend as an adult imo, there is an inherent bond that no matter how long you spend apart, when you see eachother again it will feel like no time has passed. the kind of person you can always count on.
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On February 14 2012 18:35 Rekrul wrote:
i agree with you for the most part with semi-friends or acquaintances, or possibly even applying to childhood/growing up friends
but theres something different to be said about making a true friend as an adult imo, there is an inherent bond that no matter how long you spend apart, when you see eachother again it will feel like no time has passed. the kind of person you can always count on.
teh gaymance
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Korea (South)1897 Posts
On February 14 2012 18:35 Rekrul wrote:
i agree with you for the most part with semi-friends or acquaintances, or possibly even applying to childhood/growing up friends
but theres something different to be said about making a true friend as an adult imo, there is an inherent bond that no matter how long you spend apart, when you see eachother again it will feel like no time has passed. the kind of person you can always count on.
*kiss* ^^ *kiss*
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Korea (South)1897 Posts
On February 14 2012 18:33 thedeadhaji wrote:
Or maybe I have no real friends!
I think for the most part, real friends are very difficult to have. I think one part is actually going through some rough times together and the other part is letting yourself depend on someone for that moment.
But to be honestly, I think people are 50/50 spineless zero character or the opposite. I won't say that the majority are crap, because I think that is a bit to cynical and its just not true. But people are living for convenience or are living scared, both type of people make crappy friends.
But I'm your friend Haji! keke and if we were in war together, I'll shoot someone without hesitation to save your live. ^^ no worries there!
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Korea (South)1897 Posts
On February 14 2012 18:37 Boonbag wrote:Show nested quote +On February 14 2012 18:35 Rekrul wrote:
i agree with you for the most part with semi-friends or acquaintances, or possibly even applying to childhood/growing up friends
but theres something different to be said about making a true friend as an adult imo, there is an inherent bond that no matter how long you spend apart, when you see eachother again it will feel like no time has passed. the kind of person you can always count on. teh gaymance
lol you french hater!
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Katowice25012 Posts
I feel like a lot of my childhood friends are my most true friends. They're the ones who have seen me at my worst, and have helped me through it. They're the ones I can always count on to help me through tough times, and the only people I'm willing to take a bullet for when they need it. I've grown apart from some of them, but largely for me they're ones where it feels like nothing has changed regardless of how different our lives become.
Real friendship is not how good things are when it's going well (because how fucking hard is it to be friends when your life is on the up and up?) but how well you can handle things when they're all turning to shit. It takes time to learn who those people are, there is a constant process of weeding out the wrong ones and finding those that can give you strength.
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On February 14 2012 18:35 Rekrul wrote:
i agree with you for the most part with semi-friends or acquaintances, or possibly even applying to childhood/growing up friends
but theres something different to be said about making a true friend as an adult imo, there is an inherent bond that no matter how long you spend apart, when you see eachother again it will feel like no time has passed. the kind of person you can always count on.
I think when you growing up you have no real choice about who's around you but as an adult the friends you meet are people who choose to be at the same place as you not forced to be there because of family/school etc. I feel a lot of my friends from school days I don't really have the same connection as the people I have made friends with now.
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not a single one of my childhood friends remained. I basically have only two friends left while one of them is... I dunno, hyung is a fitting word I think  he is like 10 years older while the other one is my age.
there are like 5-10 more I'd call "friends" but that's it :o
but yeah from school and earlier, everyone of them has left my life one way or the other
edit: and I agree with rek, I'm happy enough to have this kind of relationship with that one friend
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On February 14 2012 18:29 Rekrul wrote:
true friendships never ever fucken wither no matter what
never thought i'd be saying this about Rekrul, but that's pretty naive. How do you judge a friendship as "true" or not? Just because it doesn't last forever doesn't mean it wasn't "true"? Doesn't make sense.
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I kinda feel the same thing. Like I am not the overly social type, but the few friends that I did make were VERY good friends of mine. But then I went to another school - and different university (they are abroad and I am still here), we did drift apart. Don't even meet up with them. Haven't seen some of them for atleast 5-8 years now.
But yea there are some who I still keep in touch with even now - and are still very good friends of mine.
As mentioned before I don't think your interests HAVE to match and correlate for you two to be considered good/true friends - If you guys enjoy eachothers' company and come in handy in eachothers' times of need. Then yea you are true friends imo.
I dunno - I feel like I am a very good judge of character and some of the friends I have - I am sure I will still keep in touch with down the line. Hopefully atleast.
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Don't toss away old friendships so easily. While they may have been founded on activites and similar interest, there may be more beneath them than just that. Or there may not be, It's of course up to you to determine this.
But I will say, don't be passive. Never say: 'Oh, I guess my old friends aren't into what I'm doing. And I'm not into what they are doing. Oh well.'
Instead think: 'I have so many passions in my life, I can relate to my friends. And I can relate to their passions as well.'
It gets harder to be friends as we get older and we become different. But it just becomes a matter of work and preserverence. Just like a successful marriage takes carnal love into practical love, a successful longterm friendship takes short-term interest into long-term understanding and connection.
As I get older I regret not maintaining my earlier friendships better. Be careful.
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Germany767 Posts
On February 14 2012 18:35 Rekrul wrote:
i agree with you for the most part with semi-friends or acquaintances, or possibly even applying to childhood/growing up friends
but theres something different to be said about making a true friend as an adult imo, there is an inherent bond that no matter how long you spend apart, when you see eachother again it will feel like no time has passed. the kind of person you can always count on.
Yea I agree. I haven`t seen my best friend for over a year. The two of us used to hang out everyday and we both picked entirely different routes in life. We didn't even talk much online but when we met we just picked up and nothing at all had changed.
I only know very people who work like that for me though, but that is what true friendship is in my opinion. Forged over years, becoming so strong nothing really ever changes them again.
and the friendships that withered I don`t miss at all.
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I somewhat agree with OP and then not. And then I also somewhat agree with Rekrul, and then not...
I don't know if I should call him a friend or an acquaintance anymore... Friend I guess.... I respect the guy a lot, and we have known each other since we both were 4-5 years old, but we just don't click anymore. I have tons of memories with this guy and we have spend countless of hours together, but with that being said I think we just grew apart concerning hobbies and interests, but we can still sometimes (when we occasionally meet) talk for hours about anything that is just not hobby or interest minded... It's weird but that is just how it works. We see each other once a year, mostly because I can't stand spending more time with him that one maybe two days a year, but that one time is always good times. I find his hobbies uninteresting and dull, and so does he with mine, which just makes it even more impossible to work out.
So this is like the opposite of what Rekrul and OP mentions. I don't know, it's just weird.... Even writing about it now makes everything awkward -.-
This is like a one timer, because in general I actually agree that making friends as an adult is totally different from when making friends as a kid. I, like TLO, don't talk to my early childhood friends at all, but friends from 7th through 9th grade is different - and now it is different on a new level, being somewhat grown up and all. One of my absolute best friends I met 8 months ago. and another 4 years ago. I guess it is because you have a better feel of what a friend is to you when you are old...
okay... this doesn't make sense... rambling...
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On February 14 2012 19:21 trias_e wrote:
Don't toss away old friendships so easily. While they may have been founded on activites and similar interest, there may be more beneath them than just that. Or there may not be, It's of course up to you to determine this.
But I will say, don't be passive. Never say: 'Oh, I guess my old friends aren't into what I'm doing. And I'm not into what they are doing. Oh well.'
Instead think: 'I have so many passions in my life, I can relate to my friends. And I can relate to their passions as well.'
It gets harder to be friends as we get older and we become different. But it just becomes a matter of work and preserverence. Just like a successful marriage takes carnal love into practical love, a successful longterm friendship takes short-term interest into long-term understanding and connection.
As I get older I regret not maintaining my earlier friendships better. Be careful.
Wise words.
I'd love it if everything was so simple that the people I was incredibly close with when I was younger I can pick up right away again when I see them now. But that's not always the case, and it doesn't mean I don't enjoy their company or value them as people.
As trias_e says, long-term understanding and connection is worth a little perseverence. And most people change slowly and superficially. If there was something valuable there before that made you great friends, there is probably something left now that is worth looking for.
Of course friendship and relationships are different for everyone, hence the range of opinions so far in this thread .
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While that may be true for you, I've found that just jumping into various things with friends can be very rewarding. My friends get me into places and situations I would never find myself in, otherwise. Even if an activity sounds uninteresting, I've long since learned to take a chance and go with the flow. Everything's more fun when friends are around. Now that I'm out of school, I realized I was pretty much dependent on my old school buddies for spontaneity and adventures.
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United Arab Emirates5091 Posts
I agree. Friends come and go as you change. That's sort of why I am scared of marriage. Even if I find the perfect girl, what determines if we will age 10, 20 years from now into two people that still have anything in common?
I mean, it's much easier for guys to get along with guys, but even then there are cases where interests just change and I think there's a mutual recognition that you've taken it as far as it will go and moved on. But what about marriage? You're just fucking stuck with that woman for LIFE.
Sorry this sort of derailed the thread but it's something that has been bothering me lately.
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I agree. This happens when everyone moves away to University/start their lives. Eventually you just make new friends in new parts of your life, and it just seems impossible to see all of your friends as much as you would like. You see them every now and then and still have a good time but its not the same as it was.
+ Show Spoiler +On February 14 2012 21:32 pyrogenetix wrote:
I agree. Friends come and go as you change. That's sort of why I am scared of marriage. Even if I find the perfect girl, what determines if we will age 10, 20 years from now into two people that still have anything in common?
I mean, it's much easier for guys to get along with guys, but even then there are cases where interests just change and I think there's a mutual recognition that you've taken it as far as it will go and moved on. But what about marriage? You're just fucking stuck with that woman for LIFE.
Sorry this sort of derailed the thread but it's something that has been bothering me lately.
^^ The thing about girlfriends I find, is that if you really find a good one.. You thrive off each others hobbies and interests at first coming to enjoy doing what they like with them and vice versa. Then you start finding new hobbies and interests together that you enjoy. The most important part is to just keep your mind open to enjoyment. Ive been with the same girl almost 4 years and we enjoy pretty much all our hobbies and interests that we individually had before we met and found some new interests we enjoy that we discovered together. Of course there is always gunna be time where you each need alone time to zone out and do your own thing too.
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On February 14 2012 21:32 pyrogenetix wrote:
I agree. Friends come and go as you change. That's sort of why I am scared of marriage. Even if I find the perfect girl, what determines if we will age 10, 20 years from now into two people that still have anything in common?
I mean, it's much easier for guys to get along with guys, but even then there are cases where interests just change and I think there's a mutual recognition that you've taken it as far as it will go and moved on. But what about marriage? You're just fucking stuck with that woman for LIFE.
Sorry this sort of derailed the thread but it's something that has been bothering me lately.
Hey man you're not the only one who thinks like that (not talking about me).
My friend got into a serious relationship last year and well our interests differ now. He had the same view as you did and he's happy as fuck right now.
As his friend I'm really happy for him and I'm there if he needs me (I was when it was his birthday and wanted me there even though I had an extremely busy schedule).
I know I can count on him too since I actually asked a favor few months ago after not seeing him for almost half a year.
On another note, damn you thedeadhaji! Another good blog sir 
The blog makes me feel like you're talking about me in a way 
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Korea (South)1897 Posts
On February 14 2012 21:32 pyrogenetix wrote:
I agree. Friends come and go as you change. That's sort of why I am scared of marriage. Even if I find the perfect girl, what determines if we will age 10, 20 years from now into two people that still have anything in common?
I mean, it's much easier for guys to get along with guys, but even then there are cases where interests just change and I think there's a mutual recognition that you've taken it as far as it will go and moved on. But what about marriage? You're just fucking stuck with that woman for LIFE.
Sorry this sort of derailed the thread but it's something that has been bothering me lately.
When you get married, its like you become a single entity anyway, you may not like the same things, have the same views, but you know the other person like no one else. Which works both ways, cause you know what buttons to push as well, but you know when you are ready to get married when you really don't want to. I'm more scared for those who think marriage is a great thing! But I'd say the other way to look at is, sometimes you are with someone that you just can't live without, that person makes you the better man. And it does happen. ^^
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On February 14 2012 21:32 pyrogenetix wrote:
But what about marriage? You're just fucking stuck with that woman for LIFE.
Ahah, not really you know. Just divorce if things don't go as you like. There is always some social pressure and a feeling of failure around but anyway, don't worry about that.
Having children, that (to me) is the big thing.
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hello Uptown, god bless you always. you were always so nice to talk to at LP. take care.
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On February 14 2012 18:35 Rekrul wrote:
i agree with you for the most part with semi-friends or acquaintances, or possibly even applying to childhood/growing up friends
but theres something different to be said about making a true friend as an adult imo, there is an inherent bond that no matter how long you spend apart, when you see eachother again it will feel like no time has passed. the kind of person you can always count on.
That's the good thing with guys, you can spend 10 years without seeing each other, it's like it was yesterday when you meet again.
I can't apply exactly the same thing to gals though, from my experience, since it's hard/rare to be real "best buddies" with a woman without ever thinking about more (you or her). Hence, the reunion is often a bit strange on the mood for a while since both lives have changed, one might be married etc. Could happen though, just didn't for me :p
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thedeadhaji
39489 Posts
On February 15 2012 01:29 jimbob615 wrote:
hello Uptown, god bless you always. you were always so nice to talk to at LP. take care.
LOL I wonder how do people know my LP ID, pretty sure I never publicly made the connection T_T
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thedeadhaji
39489 Posts
On February 14 2012 21:14 tissue wrote:
While that may be true for you, I've found that just jumping into various things with friends can be very rewarding. My friends get me into places and situations I would never find myself in, otherwise. Even if an activity sounds uninteresting, I've long since learned to take a chance and go with the flow. Everything's more fun when friends are around. Now that I'm out of school, I realized I was pretty much dependent on my old school buddies for spontaneity and adventures.
Very true for "new" things.
But how about things that you've already tried and aren't really fond of? What if the things they do 9 out of 10 weekends are things that you know you don't enjoy? It'd hard to say one way or another - there's merits to both going along with it, and declining. I tend to choose the latter is all, after considering the tradeoffs.
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thedeadhaji
39489 Posts
On February 14 2012 18:35 Rekrul wrote:
i agree with you for the most part with semi-friends or acquaintances, or possibly even applying to childhood/growing up friends
but theres something different to be said about making a true friend as an adult imo, there is an inherent bond that no matter how long you spend apart, when you see eachother again it will feel like no time has passed. the kind of person you can always count on.
On February 14 2012 19:04 heyoka wrote:
I feel like a lot of my childhood friends are my most true friends. They're the ones who have seen me at my worst, and have helped me through it. They're the ones I can always count on to help me through tough times, and the only people I'm willing to take a bullet for when they need it. I've grown apart from some of them, but largely for me they're ones where it feels like nothing has changed regardless of how different our lives become.
Real friendship is not how good things are when it's going well (because how fucking hard is it to be friends when your life is on the up and up?) but how well you can handle things when they're all turning to shit. It takes time to learn who those people are, there is a constant process of weeding out the wrong ones and finding those that can give you strength.
On February 14 2012 19:21 trias_e wrote:
Don't toss away old friendships so easily. While they may have been founded on activites and similar interest, there may be more beneath them than just that. Or there may not be, It's of course up to you to determine this.
But I will say, don't be passive. Never say: 'Oh, I guess my old friends aren't into what I'm doing. And I'm not into what they are doing. Oh well.'
Instead think: 'I have so many passions in my life, I can relate to my friends. And I can relate to their passions as well.'
It gets harder to be friends as we get older and we become different. But it just becomes a matter of work and preserverence. Just like a successful marriage takes carnal love into practical love, a successful longterm friendship takes short-term interest into long-term understanding and connection.
As I get older I regret not maintaining my earlier friendships better. Be careful.
Maybe there's a distinction between the "friends that you hang out with", and "the friends that you have an unique bond with". I imagine that overlaps between the two groups are frequent, but this seems to explain a lot of things.
I have a few friends that I see every 5 years or so whom I've known for 20+ years. We don't "do" anything special - usually just talk; thus hobbies/habits/preferences become basically irrelevant. The only thing that matters in these relationship is "who we are" and "who we have become". I guess in these relationships, stuff like our preferred weekend activity is completely irrelevant. (come to think of it, I met a friend for the first time in 15 years, and we hit it off like it was yesterday that we saw each other last)
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EPT
