I resolve to be more awesome, like the guy to my right.
So, counselor I was going to for anxiety suggested I write out my insecurities and obviously poor thinking. I’ve been sort of harboring them for a long time, and talking to people I’ve definitely been using anxiety/the actions of others who make me feel insecure to give me excuses to not do things. So I shall hopefully become more open by listing my insecurities, and little lies I have told myself.
The first is that I don’t go out with friends because my parents were so restrictive. While it certainly limited what I could do previously, at this point nothing they are doing is limiting me. Although people still feel uncomfortable with my mom, I can go out and have enough independence this isn’t a problem. People aren’t in a habit of doing things with me, but all I need to do is take some initiative, and I’m sure this shouldn’t be a problem.
The second is that I just have no idea how to shop and fashion is irrelevant. Although I don’t think appearances matter too much, I’ve been marginalizing them, but then feeling really uncomfortable and sensitive about it. I am compensating for my sensitivity by marginalizing it.
The third is that I should be an engineer or something along those lines. I’ve been sort of stressing it for so long, and pushing that they are the only appropriate career paths that at this point I’m unsure of what I want to do.
The fourth is that I’m not as good at math as my other compatriots. It’s not that I’m bad, I just have gotten bad at it because I didn’t put in the time. And now I hate it because I’m behind and really confused.
I am sensitive talking about myself. I tend to almost stutter and get caught up, but am fine talking with others.
I get very interested in things that interest me. My parents have been saying it a long time, and I’ve denied it, but overall it’s true.
I feel pressure from my parents to do certain things. Cool. And even though there may be friction if I want to do other things I need to just push to do them. Not excessively, but forcefully.
A lot of this has left doubt in myself. A lot of what I’ve been doing has been based upon what I perceived I should do, and not what I want to do. Is majoring in IR and enjoying work a good thing? But then is it reasonable to get a job in the field? I would work very well and be interested , but blargh.
A lot of what I’ve been doing has based upon what I believe will happen if I do it, and not what actually would happen. I need to just do what I want to do after weighing real consequences, not figments of imagination.
At this point I’m really indecisive about career path when thinking rationally. Thinking irrationally I should be an engineer because there is job security and there is capable. And thinking idealistically I should do what I most enjoy.
I need to take charge of what is going on, and overcome obstacles placed at me, not blame them for my failure.
And I'm not a failure. NO matter how bad my failures may seem to me, I need to keep this in mind. All else fails I go to korea to teach roflz