EPTThis blog won't be anything fancy, nicely edited blog with pictures, with mindblowing, funny sentences. This is more likely an open diary. Ofcourse, my personal diary.
I'm not writing this to get any stars or to have the 15 minute fame. I'm writing this because I just got home and somehow I need to somehow get rid of the Pain I'm feeling now and in the last year/months.
It's about personal stuff with StarCraft included...Surely, everyone had things like this in their real life, and everyone survived it somehow so I'm don't have the only broken heart in the World. I also understand most of the people here don't care about someone random's personal problems even if it is connected with our lovely game, StarCraft. But personally I feel like noone is random on TeamLiquid. Everyone has their values or negative things here, but almost everyone, and by almost everyone I mean 99% of Liquidians care about eachother in one way or another. We help eachother, we inform eachother about everything not only StarCraft related and so on...And there's a chance some people will laugh on this stupid idea kinda like this :"Jesus, what the hell, keep your personal problems for yourself, that's why they are personal". And I somewhat agree with this but NOW I just have to do this. I feel like this is the only way I can get over everything for at least an hour or so and maybe there will some guys who can give me some advices.
I am sorry in advance, for my explanation method, my english is not that great, my vocabulary isn't that developed. Feels like this will be a huge wall of text with mixed feelings, paradoxes, but that's okay, it actually caracterizes me and my life, how do I do things in life. Sometimes I know that what I'm doing is not right but I just feel like I have to do it and it will be what it will be. Let's start.
Que será será
Unfortunately this is somewhat my mentality. As mentioned above since the High School, at least that's where I remember that things went this way, when I want to do something that will be done. No matter what will be the outcome, I will accept it as it is. Why unfortunately ? Because it sucks ! Maybe sometimes you get what you want by doing things like this, but half of the time you will fail and feel the pain continously after this. This happens in StarCraft aswell. This is what decision making is about and this is why some players are better then others, they can control this feeling and if they feel like this will go wrong, simply they just won't do it!
Now let's look at this from personal perspective:
- At home when I was little, and I'm pretty sure everyone had such moments, I knew that eating that candy, icecream or whatever is forbidden, but at the end of the day it dissappeared. When I was 5 years old my parent's went out to meet some friends, and the fridge was full of icream, there were like 6 icecream's. One for every member of our family(Grandmother, Grandfather, Mother, Father, Sister and me). As soon as my parent's left the house I rushed to the fridge and started eating the icecreams one by one. After like 30 minutes FATALITY ! I FINISHED ! After another 30 minutes I started to tremble, and even harder and harder. So hard that suddenly I was unable to move out from the bad, unable to go to the toilet. Luckily, my parent's got home and they saved the day. They didn't said a single thing that day. Helped me to recover with the biggest love, spent hours near me just by huging, kissing me, bringing all the stuff I needed. Ofcours next day the mindwashing earthquake came, and I was punished, but that's ok I learned my lesson.
- With my ex-girlfriend: It's common that it is bad to run after a girl, to be the superbly GOOD guy who dosn't do any mistakes. But I still made this huge mistake, I kept running after her like a madman and so I failed to get her. Luckily after 1 year we got togethers. But it was a lesson for...or not. I did this mistake over and over. The last time I did this it was 2 hours ago but I talk about this a bit later.
- Learning: I always knew that I have to learn to achieve anything in the life but I didn't care..Recent example is at the university. I never passed in the next year without having any missed exam in the normal exam session. I always woke up around august when others were on the Beach or in the Mountains having fun. ZION ! You have like 4-5 missed exams and this is your last chance, otherwise you will fail this year. And I'm still ding this. But luckily enough when I have my last chance, I'm able to concentrate and do things right.
I love (to) LOVE !
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/JX6rD.png)
This might be the most boring topic ever on a gaming forum, but this is the most important thing for me in the life. Don't get me wrong please
Please forgive me for this topic as this will be the longest but this is where everything came.
Let's start from the beginning. I had my first girlfriend when I was 12 years old. Ofcourse it didn't last long but no surprise about this
After that I had one more girlfriend for 2 weeks then everything stopped until I went to High School. Yes, that's all friends, till HighSchool I had only 2 shitty relationships, I wouldn't even call it relationships. But in HighSchool in my frist week a bigger friend introduced basically the most beatifull girls from the School. There were like 5-6 really beatifull girls. All of the were older then me so other then having a look on them I didn't care about them. But for all the newcomers in my HighSchool every year there was organized a General Culture contest. Every year the organizes is the previous winners.(Students in the 9th grade are participants, student's in the 10th grade are organizers.). Well before the big Contest we had to organize a little Play( don't know if this is the right word, things what go in the Theathers) so we had a few tries what the organizers students attended. The first try of the play...We show them the whole thing then I sit down and someone enters the Hall in a blue pullover, eating McDonald's, one of the girls introduced by my friend and guess where did SHE sit down ? Almost near me, like 4-5 chairs away from me and SHE was stareing at me all the time. I was gonna SHIT MY PANTS. How can a girl be so beatiful????. I gotta make a note here, I never cared about actresses and modells. But this girl...seriously blew my head off and after I got home I was nervous because I knew I don't have any chance because she's older then me and shes so pretty, surely she has a boyfriend or something.Back in these days we used IRC to chat with eachothers, and my highschool had a channel @ undernet so everyday I was on there. On a day a girl PMed me, one of the main organizers of this contest and asked me if do I like someone from her class. Right away I told him that YES and I mentioned that girls who was sitting near me in the blue pullover, eating Mc'Donald's, Guess what ? She liked me to !!!!!!!
After this came the Valentine's day Party. Till now I was refusing to meet this girl because I didn't like shes outgit, her clothers and so on
. But when I saw her on the Valentine's Day Party, and she stared on me with those superb eyes, and my friends saw this aswell, they convinced me to give it a shot and explained to me, that half of the High School asked out that girls but she rejected everyone. Okay baby ! I WAS CONVINCED. 2 weeks later we were together !!! After 1 month, I told her that, this is not working and we should break up. And I wasn't brave enough so I texted him about this by SMS . 3 months later I realized what an asshol I was and I was invited to a little trip at a friend's weekend house in the mountains. The girl was there. I talked with her friend 3 days and explained to her that I want to be with LIVIA again ! When we got home, next day I called her out, She came but rejected me. OH GOSH what can I do ? After like another month she texted me that she's sorry for everything and let's give it a try if I want it aswell. Ofcourse I wanted ! AND I WAS SUPER SUPER SUPER HAPPY my friends!!! I'm having some tears now remembering this moment ! But after just 3 months of a pretty good, enjoyable relationship she broke up with me. And I was like stunned from that moment. Kept running after her for months, and months, exactly 4 month's when we went to a School trip to Prague, Krakow and Auschwitz. The bus trip laster pretty much, we had like 100 hundred eye contacts but I knew she dosn't really want's to be with me. In Bratislava we didn't even talked, in Prague we didn't even talk, and suddenly in Krakow we have spent the whole day with eachother accidentaly, I had like 100 zlotyie's and spent all of it on HER. Bought a pizza for HER, bought sunglasses and every stuff like this. I had absolutely no more money but I didn't gave a shit to be honest. When we went home at the hotel to rest, I called her out in the Hotel Hall. We sat down, after 2 hours of talk I almost managed to kiss her, our to heads were going STRAIGH trough eachother but suddenly from nowhere, a teacher appeared and told us to go back and sleep because tomorrow we need to wake up early and move back to Hungary for 1 day then to Romania. Well shit happened...really..I waited half a year for this moment, tried EVERYTHING but my only chance was blown away by a teacher...Then next day we arrived to Miskolc, a city in Hungary...At the day it was city visiting, after that I met on of my old Medal of Honor Spearhed friend for the first time, it was also the first time when I met an online friend in real life, It was a superb night, lasted only 2 and a half hours but it was superb, This online friend was 30+ years old, I told him the whole story with LIVIA and he gave me some advices. Then I got back to the Hotel, and called Livia out AGAIN ! We talked a bit and we drinked a lot
She was sleeping on me, then she woke up and I instantly KISSED HER. 5 seconds BREAK which seemed to be an hour, and SHE KISSED ME BACK!Finally I felt like she was MINE FOREVER ! At that age I wanted a fully serious partner. And this went that direction ! We ere together for 6 years ! From the 9th grade till the middle of the 3rd year of University ! She dumped me like 50 times but I didn't care, I LOVE(D) her so so so MUCH ! I swere, I never cheated her, didn't talked to other girls, in the whole 6 years many many things were forbidden for me, like haveing girl friends, talking to other girls, going out without her, going to parties and so on. Ofcourse sometimes I went out to a party, lied to her. Tried to explain for her this stuff, but she kept dumping me whenever I started talking about these things. But that's ok, I still loved HER ! Never even tought about any other girl, never tried to imagine how it is with another girl !
And suddenly the 3rd year of the University started. I had a classmate, a girl. It is actually the prettiest girl in our class out of 70 girls, but I didn't really care about this and she didn't even seemed so pretty for me. And after a while we started talking with eachother, just friendly talk. And after every talk we realized that there are so many common things between us that it's actually mindblowing. But I had a so much loved girlfriend, and she had a boyfriend for a year already. So no chance...but we started talking about having a relationship step by step. I still didn't cheated my girlfriend, but I never told her the truth about this new girl. But as time passed, I decided to break up with my girlfriend and so did this new girl with her boyfriend. After a week of meeting eachother, her ex-boyfriend appeared and convinced her to be together agains. So there was my dream blown away. My ex girlfriend still wanted to be with me so I decided to give it a shot again because I hate being lonely. She understood much finally what I always needed, a little bit of freedom and stuff but suddenly something happened in my family about what I will talk a bit later in short details, and I seriously and honestly lost the control over everything. My girlfriend started again to forbid things and after 3 months the whole romance with the "New girl" started over. This time I was more caucious and I didn't broke up with my actual girlfriend, but couldn't pay attention to HER. So at New Year's Eve party she broke up with me. But I felt nothing to be honest. It wasn't easy at all but I kept saying to myself that, no worries buddy, there's the New girls who actually is what you dreamed about. Months passed finally the New Girl, whos nickname is Nojszi dumped her boyfriend and there was a chance to be together finally. But after 2 weeks she went back to her ex-boyfriend AGAIN. Seriosly, I felt like i have to suicide...I had so many other personal problems apart from the GIRL problems, but this was the only reason what kept my FIGHTING against LIFE. But this time, I didn't started over with my EX-girlfriend Livia, I felt like I'm in love again but this time not with Livia so I stuggled hard to not go back to her. And even till this moment I haven't done that. And I tell you there were some hard times, She kinda wanted to be with me, but I kept rejecteing her, so she went to Plan B. She went to every party where I was and tried to make my jealous by being for 1 day with all kind of guys. Ofcourse the end was me explaining her how stupid is this, and I helped her to get over this TRAGEDY what she fellt deep in her HEART and SOUL ! And after a hilw I gave her a chance. Told HER to let's try to go out a few times together, talk about everything and if things go well WE can start over again. But nothing really happened and I was okay with this, kept thinking on this NEW GIRL.
This monday I met my ex-girlfriend for the first time after 3 months. We went out, started talking about everything, she asked me If do I want to be with her but I rejected the Idea. So she told me, that she's meeting a guy, there's nothing between them at the moment, but she would like my approval about this. I APPROVED this. It was really really painfull but I wanted HER to be HAPPY. If I can't be HAPPY at least she should be ! Next day I went to a party, got fully drunk, slept at a friend because I was knock out but kept thinking about Livia. I decided to call the NEW GIRL out, maybe this can help to forgot my issue. It worked to be honest, I felt superb with HER and I started dreaming about her again but actually there's a small chance for this. This night, like 4 hours ago I called my ex-girlfriend, she told me tomorrow or after tomorrow we can go out but at the moment she's busy. Called a cab went to her apartment, called her, but she rejected me. So I stood down on a bench and waited 2 hours in -4 C grade and kept calling her over and over again. After like 2 hours she responded and asked me to leave, and to avoid the cricus, and tomorrow morning we can meet and talk. I was crying like a madman...I was freezed as hell but started to walk trough home. Kept crying ofcourse. But my feelings are mixed as HELL.
The thing is, it hurst my ass as much as possible that SHE might have someone else but when I'm thinking about that moment that SHE askes me to be together again I keep rejecting the idea as I'm not really sure this whole thing would work out weel if it failed for 6 years. And I keep thinking about this NEW girls, because everything is just PERFECT with her. So what now ? What do I have guys ? It hurt's like hell and I can't do shit about it!
This is the Love story now lets shorten this blog with 3 other major factors, explained a bit shorter
We always love you no matter what. Family
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/5lmsw.gif)
I won't go into details about how much I love them and so on. Just the facts what are painfull for me. We always had problems in family but we always stayed together ! Never hurst thinking about this but somehow indirectly I feel the pain of all these things. Shortly:
My Father: Hes a well known doctor who teached in the UK aswell, probably the best in hes domain in the country, but he suffers of alcoholism since 2003. It was a pain to grow up and see how much it hurst my mother and my sister. I think I'm handleing this really well not like the rest of the family. At the moment my fater just came out from the psichiatry after 2 weeks of rehabilitation. The only thing what worked for a longer perios was the so named ANTALCOOL(anti-alcohool) tablet, what basically makes you vomit or even die if you drink even a bit. This comprimate is implanted subdermal at your spinal cord and it keeps injecting itself every day for like 1 year. So ofcourse for 1 year my father didn't drink because he was affraid. But as Romania got in the Europen Union, this medicament was forbidden because basically you can die because of it. So there's no other chance, after every 1-2 week of heavy drinking mixed with sedatives, we put our father with brute force in the psichiatry and he's clean for a few months
My Mother: As everyone almost sais usually, the greatest person on the EARTH. I really feel like this way, she helpes a lot in everything, I can count on her always but last summer she was diagnozed with plumb cancer. She has like 1 or max 2 years and that's optimistic.I'm handling this well aswell, I precieved the Idea of the death but its still hard to see her getting weaker and weaker day by day...I remember she loved so much Livia my ex-girlfriend but kept telling me that she's not the right choice for me because she goes on my nerves but it's my decision. When I told her about Nojszi the New Girl, she was incredibly happy and I had her full support, and kept telling to our friends, that she's boy finally met a superb girl and so on...But we all know the story...
My sister: Shes older then me, She's 27 years old at the moment, shes a doctor aswell just like the rest of my family, including grandpa
A pretty girl, all of my friends keep telling me what a superb girl is she inside'n'outside 
She's was a super student and now a great doctor by the opinion of other doctors/ She struggled pretty much with her boyfriends but finally at the age of 27 it seems like she met the perfect guy for her and she's happy. A bit confused and handling hard the family problems, but she's fine. Same opinion about my ex-girlfriend and new girl as my mother, just like all of my FRIENDS.Family was always really really important for me, but there were a few occasions when my ex-girlfriend was more important for me. Not just a few..I admit...this happened many many times.
PC Games and Star][Craft
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/Sd79p.jpg)
Since 2004 when I got my first good PC, I play a lot. Started with Medal of Honor Allied Assault: Spearhead played like 5 years, was one of the best players in the world I gotta say, a great little community with competitive spirit. I was the National Captain of Team Romania for 4 consecutive years and by far the best player from Romania. After a while, I bought WoW, half year after the release, and World of Warcraft means a lot to me. No I wasn't addiceted at least I don't feel like I was but I took it serious achieved quite much, it's irrevelant what and when. But the main reason I kept playing is the friends. My guildmates where like a little family for me and I loved the idea that we struggle hard for the same accomplishment, how we can boost eachother and so on. This was the case actually with SpearhEad aswell.
After the University started I started to play less and less because it wasn't competitive, and I always hated CASUAL gaming. I have the competitive spirit which came from by basketball experience. My only non girlish dream was to be a PRO GAMER. But unfortunately I couldn't achieve this because I played always the wrong game.
Having no RST experience, I heard much about StarCraft and Warcraft 3 so I decided that even if I have no experience in RTS games I will play heavily StarCraft 2 and try to be a programer.
Played the Beta I was in Copper League, then promoted to Bronze League till release. When the game was released I started studying replays, VOD's, Build Orders and after 2 months I got promoted in Platinum. Then after 4 months to Diamond, then demoted, then promoted back and so on till Season 3. In Season 3 I finally was a Diamond player but then there was already the Master League, so basically I was in the same shit, being a Platinum League players. Now in Season 4 I'm Top Diamond players, playing Master players aswell. I'm trying really hard to achieve something in this game, because at the moment, after all this shit in my life, the only happyness is brought to me by the whole Universe of StarCraft 2 ! I watch every major tournament, I keep cheering for players, shout like an idiot in my room when someone wins, travel sometimes 300 km's to the neareast LAN Party just to meet the other guys. Having some good friendship with fishlips, DeathAngel and FroZenDRUID and some other romanian guys.
What I would like to tell you guys, that even If my dream is to be a programer, and I'm playing this game in a fully competitive spirit, you all know now that I won't be a progamer...I don't have that much time near Medical University, I can play like 4-5 hours a day but Zion is still a Diamond players basically. But this is at the moment my only thing in my life what can bring a smile on my face in the last year...I can log in everyday, play a game, be happy after a good win, be happy after I seeI I corrected a past mistake in the game and feeling that Im becoming better and better with time...
I always get really really hyped when I see major tournament's I always want to be there, not definetly as a gamer, just as a spectator but I can't afford for example to travel to a DreamHack, or MLG, there'is simply no chance for such thing. I was so happy when I heard about DreamHack Balkan, even if its way smaller then any of the other major tournaments, prepared my camera, planned to blog about it, take pictures and stuff, but the whole plan was destroyed because of the issue with my father...but I guess I'am not the only one
With StarCraft for me comes automatically TeamLiquid. I registered here like a year ago, but this is my second home, I keep visiting the site in every 30 minutes when I'm home, keep reading everything and anything. This game and this community means a LOT for me ! It's here for me every single day, I can learn every day something new, It boosts me to at least try to achieve my dream which I basically know it's impossible under the given circumstances but I keep FIGHTING because there nothing else for me in this life. Yes I have many friends who I love but they simply can't help me...at leat that's how I feel...
I think I wrote pretty much, and I will review this whole wall of text...I know it dosn't mean anything for you guys that I wrote all these things down, but it means Much and it means EVERYTHING for me at this moment, period. No I'm not drunk or anything like this...In the last years, I keep fighting against every problem's and whenever I solve something, or I start to feel better there comes an even bigger problem and in my Real Life I feel like I'm still in the Bronze League getting always promoted then demoted...
All I know that there's a huge chaos in my mind about my ex-girlfriend and the new girl, and this is my biggerst problem near all the others, because I DESPERATELY need someone to be with me!
THANK YOU TEAMLIQUID.NET !
Sincerely, István "Zion" Jeremiás a hungarian guy living in Romania
