EPTCannons are roaring into the middle of the night and piercing the shroud of security over our heads. Inside me there is a cataclysm tearing apart my foundations. I'm surrounded on all sides and look for help from friends, I see no one. Darkness looms over the horizon, though it takes more than a siege to stop me...
A person is like a country, all its component parts must be in good health for the whole to be strong. A country at war with itself cannot survive. I keep telling myself one more year and I'll be happy, but it never comes.
I'm a bit of a wreck. Psoriasis, insomnia, extreme anxiety and depression. Some kind of cough and chest pain that won't go away. And yet this war within me continues. No one quite knows why, but it just goes on. We all make reasons, but we are all too unwilling to do anything. We've got to be real here. We've got to take a stand for what's left and what we can build...
And yet, the memories are always greater than the presence of real things. I think and feel that I must go back to the past and there I can be safe. Only there are things real, do they have feeling, and hope blossoms. I miss that girl I used to know. It was grade 8 and we'd always get on msn after school and talk to each other until dinner time. We'd both turn on the radio and listen and talk about music. We'd have fun. In the present things either are or they aren't, end of discussion. Well it's time we get this discussion rolling.
A nation at war with itself cannot survive. But, if the war does stop some day, the newly built will only be on the foundation of the old. Even if I got out of all this, there would still be permanent, irreparable damage both psychologically and physically.
***
If only...if only I could be like them. It's all painted so perfect, and being an outsider I would know where they went wrong. I'd have that life I craved. But how can I do away with the truth? How can I ? I could just put all my energy into developing mechanisms automated to keep me that way. I could build them so they would intercept any notions or impulses of feeling that undesirable desire...yes...
Building them won't be hard. I can use several methods. One: configure the idea of sex with a woman as based on love, given the fact that there is very little purely sexual desire. Two: configure the idea of sex and love with a woman as a dream. As something I used to have yet something I could have if everything is perfect. This should be a reliable method given the dreams that have been dreamt. Three: every engagement must be as if I am happy to be with them, to see them. Therefore it is necessary that I induce my own endorphins and any other neurological chemicals that may give favourable feelings that can further be associated with women. At first it will depend on auto sexual cues, moving on to mental cues involving over emotionalized memories. From this it should be simple to condition to the point of no return. As a safety precaution, an independent mechanism should be created to intercept any thoughts returning to, or starting from the homosexual desire. This particular mechanism will rely on the especially high sense of duty and superego in the individual. The societal pressure against sexuality will aid in its construction, and when finished fuelled and refined by guilt and fear. Above all it should be noted that the urges may never be completely extinguished, only overshadowed by other greater urges. But lastly, lock up your true self so that it may never be damaged and one day you might be ready to live a real life. Keep it secret. Keep it safe.
As much as I crave it, I'll never know how they feel. I'll never really know what they like. The amazing feat of rubbing their legs together, feeling cute and perky, looking cute by all standards...I'll never have that. I want to feel special...but I can feel like that and be gay can't I? I know when and how they are attractive, but I just don't know why.
***
I come to you, brave soldier, to ask for help. The dark side is gaining ground in the battle for our land: they have built their machines and factories to maintain seamless order, crushed any rebellion and now seek to expand their machinations to the lands of others. Even some of our own have defected. We must put a stop to their plan before humanity is all but erased. We need you to speak out, make trouble for them.
Well, Who cares? Who will notice if I just do it once? Would it be so wrong anyways? What can I do to forget that I did it afterwards?
Masked by the shadows and primal instinct I sneak around the night and make lively the poor hearts that live in such shame and despair. I hide in libraries and skulk around spreading discontent about the regime in charge. Don't ever forget you love them.
Now, now...let's be reasonable and wait for a time off school to assess these issues and we can be at peace! Let's not do anything drastic, the risk could be too great. Carefully monitor the situation and suppress any rebellious outcries. I can't stand that it can't be controlled. I just wish I wouldn't be so affected by it so much...To douse the flame forever would give me relief of this turmoil. We have to snuff the rebellion before we lose control! Hide in your video games. Keep them going to blunt your mind and keep it incurious. Use them to suppress any thoughts.
As suppressed and mediated as we are, there are still glimpses of happiness seen in our moments being gay. What do I mean? Well, it's more about the moments you allow yourself the release and identity. It is undeniable how I feel, and nature will always have sovereignty over my will. It would prove most efficient and productive to come to terms with these urges and carry on with other issues as academia and health.
I'm just so lonely all the time. There must be something wrong with me, why do they give me those sinister looks? Why do they laugh at such inappropriate times? Why can't I feel relaxed or natural when I'm with another human being? It's like I don't trust anyone. I've been let down too many times. The socialite life is too callous, there are too many of them and too few hearts out there. I need someone I can cry to. I haven't had a good heart to heart in too long. I'm just waiting on a friend to come by. But wait, I really do like girls...yes! It was so obvious, why didn't I feel this way before? They're so amazing and pretty...aren't they?
As my arthritis inflames my knees, the weight I carry is just too much. Everything is falling apart. I need to let go. But I don't want to be gay...I can't...Everything was supposed to be perfect. Flood the waters with alcohol and drink in the ignorance!...and just pretend, just waste time. Who am I? How can I know it's me? It's been 21 years and I still have no preferences for anything, I don't like anything. I don't want anything. I don't even know how to string together a sentence let alone really engage with someone. I keep stuttering and everything I say is so forced and rehearsed.
Oh just let go! The problems of this unsettled business are causing far too many problems. It'll bring us peace inside for at least a while, then you can go back to your iron rule. There's a fire inside that just won't go out. It's part of your nature, you were born that way. (+ Show Spoiler +
It's been too long since I've felt the sun's warmth or someone's trusting arms or the heart-stirring of the saxophone. Enough of this endless charade, we're going to kill the machine even if it kills ourself. The machinations must rust at some point, and then is when we will strike.
It is good to like them. Liking them is good. It's good. It's good. It's good. It's the one way. And plus, they're so perfect. But if they're so perfect, why can't I want them? Why is there no need to feel anything? ...Who am I? What is life? What's the point?
As the battle reaches its height I can feel my heart failing. I keep coughing. I can't breathe. My eyes are doused and cold as the night.
The cannons stop, the air is silent. What to do now?
...
Father?
...
Don't ever give up my son
