EPTIntroduction
I'm starting this blog on TeamLiquid rather than other sites more tailored towards blogging because the subject of my posts will generally revolve around StarCraft 2. Having said that, this initial post will be mostly personal history describing myself and my personal PC gaming history.
None of you know me. The few that think they do, don't.
A little history is in order I suppose for clarification. I've used the name plazz for everything non-gaming since late 1996/early 1997. I practically lived on IRC during that time and played mostly FPS games. My first FPS was the original Doom shortly after it was released, I played it over a LAN connection and also through a modem connection using a 14.4k modem as well as a host of other games(after connecting to a BBS to find other people interested in playing).
When the original StarCraft was released I paid it no attention since I only played FPS, but after nearly a month of people talking fanatically about it on IRC I couldn't resist the temptation to figure out what this game was all about. It was in April 1998 that my PC gaming life was changed forever.
I was a person whose only strategy game interest had been Magic: The Gathering, which I began playing during Revised. StarCraft was a real time strategy game, something I had never experienced as I skipped out on WarCraft I and II. It was unlike anything I had experienced, I was immediately hooked. I spent every free moment playing, yet I remained unknown to virtually everyone.
Why The Blog?
Being more open and having the possibility that others will read my thoughts and writings will help me with my social anxiety. A sort of overcoming my fears by immersion type of scenario.
Social Anxiety
For almost all of my life I have suffered severe social anxiety. Because of this in every game I have played I have been dishonest about who I am online, continuing to play mostly in part because of the ability to create smurf accounts or alternate characters in the case of MMORPGs. This fact alone is the main contributing reason I remain unknown.
I was there in the rooms that are widely known today: x17, nohunters, etc. I played with the people who frequented those rooms that have achieved great success within the foreigner community, always under a new name every few days. The only snippet of information I have leading to prove this claim unfortunately is my registration date on TeamLiquid being in 2004. I suppose my knowledge of StarCraft bugs such as the invincible drone, sliding drone, and the like could help with the claim. But as I'm sure those are searchable I personally wouldn't accept them as proof, I can't imagine anyone else would either.
Social anxiety prevented me from reaching a skill cap that I never came close to reaching. I was afraid if people became aware of who I was, then they would possibly scrutinize my play instead of dismissing it as a nobody that got lucky. I did not want to be known and so it was, nobody knows me. Part of me still fights being open and completely honest about who I am and especially my skills, just a force of habit.
Social anxiety is a terrible thing. I know I'm not alone, it's one of the reasons I'm being so open about it now. If my experiences can help others to conquer their fears, then I must do what I can to act as a light for others. For those that suffer from social anxiety, or anything for that matter, it does get better with time.
The Disappearing Act
So why did I stop playing a game I cared so deeply about? In 2003 I suffered the loss of my grandmother, who for all intents and purposes was my mother. I was devastated and had no interest in games or almost anything for that matter.
At the end of 2003 I met my wife, my life changed for the better. In October 2004 we had our son. A fact that I very rarely disclose online due to my social anxiety that still lingers coupled with online anonymity making it so easy to hide who I am.
I met a person through poker in 2004 who had a new found interest in StarCraft 1 and so I began playing again, mostly on LAN. This is the time I signed up for TLnet as I had a renewed interest in StarCraft 1.
Unfortunately, life always seems to hit you at the worst time with adversity. Just when you think things are going well, you get side swiped by a semi-trailer you never seen coming while you were turning into the cross section of life that leads down a better path. Without delving into specifics, I have lost everyone in my life other than my wife and our son due to death, prison, and moving(sadly, in that order). Financially, we have given away almost everything we had in order to help my mother keep her fully paid off house(property taxes that were backed up that she kept secret so she wouldn't bother anyone) and my father-in-law stay alive a bit longer(heart problems and diabetes complications, the same thing that killed my grandmother).
I could write pages upon pages of the experiences in my life, the vast majority of which are overwhelmingly negative but I will spare the reader.
When I say I hit bottom, you must understand that I do not say it lightly.
The Return
The StarCraft II beta was released during a time when everything seemed to be going well in my life. I picked it up and played with renewed vigor which enabled me to go on a 35 game win streak as Zerg in the highest league at the time(Platinum) playing only macro games before taking my first loss, this of course was after practicing in custom games for roughly 3-4 hours. Take this fact with the understanding that the player base at the time was much worse than it currently is. When Diamond was added to the beta, I immediately placed into it.
Then it all seemed to be happening again, life. A week before StarCraft II released, my wife had to leave her job due to reasons I'm unable to disclose because of legal restrictions which put us in a terrible financial bind. I also lost one of my closest friends to a drunk driver a few months ago, which thankfully his wife and children survived.
Despite the fact that I have been unable to play as much I may have wanted, this entire time I've been sitting and watching from the sidelines. However, I did not watch alone. My son turned 7 on the 23rd of this month. He watched streams and tournaments alike with me. I watched my little man grow into a StarCraft fan and I can say with great joy and pride that he enjoys it as much as I do.
Mindset
Then it finally came. A question I have feared my entire life for no logical reason. For context, I have only played slightly over 200 games since the release of StarCraft 2 and I almost always match up against Masters. My son has always asked me nearly every single big tournament, "Why aren't you there?" I always thought it was just the words of a child and smiled and said it was because I would miss him and his mother too much. Then he asked a more direct question after he watched me play a game very recently, "Why did you let them win?"
This simple question hit me so hard. Not because he has such a high belief in me that was possibly false, but because it a question that deserved a legitimate answer. I would sometimes play and leave a won game or I would always purposefully play bad when I rarely played King of the Hill style games with members of another forum because I did not want people to possibly ask who I was in StarCraft 1, if this account was a smurf, or other personal questions. He noticed this.
I didn't want to tell my son it was because I suffer from social anxiety. Like every parent, I don't want my son to know my faults. I still don't know how to explain why I throw just enough games to hover at a competitive level rather than take the next step. I can't reasonably explain to myself why I purposefully play poorly with friends and acquaintances. Saying I don't want them to feel bad, or I don't want them looking up to me is not a good enough answer.
Social anxiety has caused me to hold myself back and effectively hide in a corner hoping to go unnoticed in every multiplayer game I have ever played, teetering right at the competitive and professional level.
The biggest mindset change for me personally has been my involvement(albeit slight) in the StarCraft 2 scene. I've watched foreigners not live up to expectations, I've seen the StarCraft 2 community blame imbalances rather than poor play and maps when their favorite player loses because their oblivious to the fact their favorite player relied on gimmicks or timing attacks and couldn't adjust to a macro game, and I've heard my wife tell me she sees the glimmer I get in my eye when I talk about StarCraft 2 as well as the emotion I display(anything from frustration watching someone fail easy strategies and tactics to flat out throwing away leads in an attempt to end the game.) It is the perfect storm that I needed to light a fire under me to encourage me to push myself to my true potential.
Visions
I have seen the rise and fall of competitive gaming in North America. I have seen FPS gamers win StarCraft 1 tournaments(D11-Thresh in the first, possibly second PGL). I have seen the false prophets claim eSports had finally arrived in North America, then I watched their organizations crumble and collapse under their own ignorance and futile attempts to cash in on what they wrongly believed to be a gimmick. I have watched enviously from across the sea as South Korea grew professional StarCraft from its infancy into the behemoth it rightfully became. I witnessed the first Maynard transfer, I remember NYTs seemingly endless line of tanks, I laughed at Zileas for seemingly only playing islands, my jaw dropped at BoxeRs first bio drop with his amazing micromanagement, I was one of the first to battle on the perilous River Styx and uncovered the precious artifacts of the Lost Temple, I watched the innovators as they innovated, I watched the conquerors as they dominated, and although StarCraft 1 may not remember me I definitely remember it.
A Bold Claim
Every day if not every hour someone proclaims they are going for a promotion. Some are even so bold to foolishly say they're going professional. I'm not going to make this claim. I will only say one thing, one simple statement that will show you the difference between me and the other hopefuls. By the time I am done, I'll be God damned if you don't remember my name.
