I just turned in this essay and thought I'd post it here because I wrote an essay about StarCraft cause it's just that awesome.
Sorry if I have any wrong information or something let me know ^_^ ... I rushed this essay cause i had to get it done and i had no time to do it due to working all weekend.
anyways.. here it is!!! I want to see what you guys think. Also it's pretty epic huh, i wrote an essay about StarCraft and turned it in to my English 101 teacher today hahahaha....
StarCraft, the Sport of Tomorrow Competitive gaming has existed for a long time now, but it has never quite received such tremendous recognition from society. StarCraft has been the national sport of South Korea for many years now, but in North America, it was not as widely known and culturally accepted. Recently, however, in the US and Canada, local bars have transformed their menus and entire bar for national StarCraft events to what they call “BarCraft”. The game of StarCraft is so compelling and exciting that it brings many people together to watch major StarCraft tournaments, such as MLG (Major League Gaming) Orlando. Just like in South Korea, StarCraft is slowly but steadily rising in popularity and recognition within our culture. StarCraft is more than just another videogame, it is a real-time strategy game. StarCraft requires much learning, is highly competitive at the professional level, and generates a large fan base for major tournaments. StarCraft impacts our society by leading the world of eSports. In StarCraft, there are 3 playable races: the Terran, Protoss, and Zerg. The Terrans are the humans, with units such as marines, tanks, and thors (huge mechanical fighting machines). The Protoss are a technologically advanced and highly religious alien race, with units such as Zealots (warriors with psionic blades), dark templars (permanently cloaked units), and motherships. The Zerg are also an alien race, but they resemble bugs and lack any technology. The basic worker units of the Zerg, are called “Drones”. And they literally morph themselves into structures and buildings. The Zerg resembles bugs in the sense that they are gross, hideous, and are great in number. When a game of starcraft starts, players train more workers to mine minerals to in order to have a higher income. With this income players begin to build structures that allow them to train an army. The players will then use that army to attack and possibly defeat their opponent. When first starting to play, players may feel overwhelmed with the amount of content they have to learn. For example, all the structures, units, abilities, build orders, strategies, and which units are good against which. This does take time to learn, but once a player is familiar with the basic concepts of the game, they are ready to experience the awesome play of StarCraft. Even at this point, after learning the basics, players are still challenged with the task of trying to counter what their opponent has, which requires them to scout their opponents base. If you dream of playing the game professionally, you must have very quick reaction times and a minimum of 200 APM (Actions Per Minute). This is not a kid’s game at all; this is a competitive electronic sport. The game of StarCraft is highly competitive at the pro level. In a game so delicate and fragile, a single mistake could lose you the game. Professional StarCraft players make a living off of playing the game. Many professional clans, such as Evil Geniuses, have a huge budget and house their players in a training house. A very popular and respected player Greg Fields, known as “IdrA”, dropped out of college to play StarCraft professionally. StarCraft is a very real eSport. Pro tournaments give out huge money prizes for the winners. Just recently, at the IGN Pro League #3 for StarCraft, over $100,000 dollars total was given to the winners and those who made it to the higher brackets. The 1st place prize was a check with $30,000 written on it. With this much money put into the game, pro players train very hard to beat their opponents. This creates extremely high level play which is exciting to watch. Professional gaming led to the creation of companies such as Razer, a professional gaming gear company. Highly competitive games such as StarCraft created the need for professional gear and new jobs as well. StarCraft has a huge fan base. Over 60,000 people viewed the IGN Pro League #3 online from their computers, and many others went to watch it where it was happening. BarCrafts also attract many players. On Sunday, October 16th, at Biergarten in K-Town, Los Angeles, many StarCrafters, including my friend and I, showed up to watch the event that was happening that day. That event was MLG (Major League Gaming) in Orlando, the most exciting MLG yet, with so many of our favorite pro gamers on the brackets. The atmosphere there was great. Whenever something significant happened in the games we were watching, the whole crowd cheered and made a lot of noise. BarCrafts are new and growing in numbers. We might even see StarCraft on ESPN at late night sometime in the near future. It is common to believe that videogames lead to social isolation. Games such as World of Warcraft have players sit on their computer and spend a lot of time leveling up their character and getting better gear, but that is the nature of the game. Many other games have the same effect, socially isolate players from the world. With StarCraft it is a completely different story. First of all, it is a multiplayer game, you are always playing with people. And with events like BarCraft you meet with other people of the same interest and socialize. Most online multiplayer video games allow players to choose avatars as a way to present themselves to other players. In the game StarCraft, you begin with four basic portraits, two male ones and two female ones. The other portraits are unlockable based on achievements and wins. A player can feel empowered with wearing a thousand-win portrait, as he perceives his “elite status” on the game. “Portraits can become more important than their subjects” (Mark Stephen Meadows, 322). This statement holds true when players feel dominance and power they do not possess outside of the videogame, all because of their portrait. This may lead many players into social isolation, as they feel better about themselves on the videogame. Thankfully, the StarCraft community is full of good mannered people who praise skill over portraits, leaving portraits almost completely meaningless in value. Female players on StarCraft are still low in numbers, but their recognition in the game is invaluable. Many female portraits exist in the game, many of which males choose to wear as well. Females are also represented in the games units. The medivac, a flying aircraft piloted by a female, has a healing beam and the ability to load up units. Medivacs are essential for healing your army and are crucial for harassment. Without these female heroes, the entire game would be imbalanced. Many female gamers dislike female representation in games because “When the female avatar is hypersexualized, it is highly likely the female player won’t even consider the title.” (Sheri Graner Ray, 327). In StarCraft, females are not hypersexualized, in fact, they are just as important as the male characters. Kerrigan, a female known as “The Queen of Blades”, controls the Zerg, the bug-like alien race. StarCraft acknowledges its female audience and represents them equally. “Ideologically, it is vitally important that girls play and enjoy computer games because it increases their comfort level with technology, and this is essential for them to maintain economic parity with males in today’s society.” (Sheri Graner Ray, 328). Just like South Korea, StarCraft is gaining more popularity and recognition in our culture. It is truly respected as a sport internationally and people gather to enjoy the major tournaments of the game. The future looks good for StarCraft, with its growing community and increasing popularity worldwide. StarCraft is leading the world into the next generation of sports. It is not just another videogame; it is the sport of tomorrow.
On October 20 2011 13:16 Bacon-X wrote: I just turned in this essay and thought I'd post it here because I wrote an essay about StarCraft cause it's just that awesome.
Sorry if I have any wrong information or something let me know ^_^ ... I rushed this essay cause i had to get it done and i had no time to do it due to working all weekend.
anyways.. here it is!!! I want to see what you guys think. Also it's pretty epic huh, i wrote an essay about StarCraft and turned it in to my English 101 teacher today hahahaha....
StarCraft, the Sport of Tomorrow Competitive gaming has existed for a long time now, but it has never quite received such tremendous recognition from society. StarCraft has been the national sport of South Korea for many years now, but in North America, it was not as widely known and culturally accepted. Recently, however, in the US and Canada, local bars have transformed their menus and entire bar for national StarCraft events to what they call “BarCraft”. The game of StarCraft is so compelling and exciting that it brings many people together to watch major StarCraft tournaments, such as MLG (Major League Gaming) Orlando. Just like in South Korea, StarCraft is slowly but steadily rising in popularity and recognition within our culture. StarCraft is more than just another videogame, it is a real-time strategy game. StarCraft requires much learning, is highly competitive at the professional level, and generates a large fan base for major tournaments. StarCraft impacts our society by leading the world of eSports. In StarCraft, there are 3 playable races: the Terran, Protoss, and Zerg. The Terrans are the humans, with units such as marines, tanks, and thors (huge mechanical fighting machines). The Protoss are a technologically advanced and highly religious alien race, with units such as Zealots (warriors with psionic blades), dark templars (permanently cloaked units), and motherships. The Zerg are also an alien race, but they resemble bugs and lack any technology. The basic worker units of the Zerg, are called “Drones”. And they literally morph themselves into structures and buildings. The Zerg resembles bugs in the sense that they are gross, hideous, and are great in number. When a game of starcraft starts, players train more workers to mine minerals to in order to have a higher income. With this income players begin to build structures that allow them to train an army. The players will then use that army to attack and possibly defeat their opponent. When first starting to play, players may feel overwhelmed with the amount of content they have to learn. For example, all the structures, units, abilities, build orders, strategies, and which units are good against which. This does take time to learn, but once a player is familiar with the basic concepts of the game, they are ready to experience the awesome play of StarCraft. Even at this point, after learning the basics, players are still challenged with the task of trying to counter what their opponent has, which requires them to scout their opponents base. If you dream of playing the game professionally, you must have very quick reaction times and a minimum of 200 APM (Actions Per Minute). This is not a kid’s game at all; this is a competitive electronic sport. The game of StarCraft is highly competitive at the pro level. In a game so delicate and fragile, a single mistake could lose you the game. Professional StarCraft players make a living off of playing the game. Many professional clans, such as Evil Geniuses, have a huge budget and house their players in a training house. A very popular and respected player Greg Fields, known as “IdrA”, dropped out of college to play StarCraft professionally. StarCraft is a very real eSport. Pro tournaments give out huge money prizes for the winners. Just recently, at the IGN Pro League #3 for StarCraft, over $100,000 dollars total was given to the winners and those who made it to the higher brackets. The 1st place prize was a check with $30,000 written on it. With this much money put into the game, pro players train very hard to beat their opponents. This creates extremely high level play which is exciting to watch. Professional gaming led to the creation of companies such as Razer, a professional gaming gear company. Highly competitive games such as StarCraft created the need for professional gear and new jobs as well. StarCraft has a huge fan base. Over 60,000 people viewed the IGN Pro League #3 online from their computers, and many others went to watch it where it was happening. BarCrafts also attract many players. On Sunday, October 16th, at Biergarten in K-Town, Los Angeles, many StarCrafters, including my friend and I, showed up to watch the event that was happening that day. That event was MLG (Major League Gaming) in Orlando, the most exciting MLG yet, with so many of our favorite pro gamers on the brackets. The atmosphere there was great. Whenever something significant happened in the games we were watching, the whole crowd cheered and made a lot of noise. BarCrafts are new and growing in numbers. We might even see StarCraft on ESPN at late night sometime in the near future. It is common to believe that videogames lead to social isolation. Games such as World of Warcraft have players sit on their computer and spend a lot of time leveling up their character and getting better gear, but that is the nature of the game. Many other games have the same effect, socially isolate players from the world. With StarCraft it is a completely different story. First of all, it is a multiplayer game, you are always playing with people. And with events like BarCraft you meet with other people of the same interest and socialize. Most online multiplayer video games allow players to choose avatars as a way to present themselves to other players. In the game StarCraft, you begin with four basic portraits, two male ones and two female ones. The other portraits are unlockable based on achievements and wins. A player can feel empowered with wearing a thousand-win portrait, as he perceives his “elite status” on the game. “Portraits can become more important than their subjects” (Mark Stephen Meadows, 322). This statement holds true when players feel dominance and power they do not possess outside of the videogame, all because of their portrait. This may lead many players into social isolation, as they feel better about themselves on the videogame. Thankfully, the StarCraft community is full of good mannered people who praise skill over portraits, leaving portraits almost completely meaningless in value. Female players on StarCraft are still low in numbers, but their recognition in the game is invaluable. Many female portraits exist in the game, many of which males choose to wear as well. Females are also represented in the games units. The medivac, a flying aircraft piloted by a female, has a healing beam and the ability to load up units. Medivacs are essential for healing your army and are crucial for harassment. Without these female heroes, the entire game would be imbalanced. Many female gamers dislike female representation in games because “When the female avatar is hypersexualized, it is highly likely the female player won’t even consider the title.” (Sheri Graner Ray, 327). In StarCraft, females are not hypersexualized, in fact, they are just as important as the male characters. Kerrigan, a female known as “The Queen of Blades”, controls the Zerg, the bug-like alien race. StarCraft acknowledges its female audience and represents them equally. “Ideologically, it is vitally important that girls play and enjoy computer games because it increases their comfort level with technology, and this is essential for them to maintain economic parity with males in today’s society.” (Sheri Graner Ray, 328). Just like South Korea, StarCraft is gaining more popularity and recognition in our culture. It is truly respected as a sport internationally and people gather to enjoy the major tournaments of the game. The future looks good for StarCraft, with its growing community and increasing popularity worldwide. StarCraft is leading the world into the next generation of sports. It is not just another videogame; it is the sport of tomorrow.
LOL ^_^
please make sure you double space and all that jazz :D
Wall of text? I dunno, this doesn't really feel like an essay, as I'm not sure what the thesis really is. Within typical essay format, it seems your thesis maybe comes midway through the first paragraph, which makes no sense.
Otherwise, while I'm not going to do your homework for you, it seems like this is all over the map and not particularly enlightening really in any way - trying to find something feminist about starcraft in one paragraph, talking about south korea and popularity... there's no real consistency here, and so the conclusions that are drawn seem to come from nowhere.
Basically, this is just a bunch of small paragraphs put together that really in no way build or relate to one another in meaningful/insightful ways.
Maybe try going back to english 101.
EDIT: Also, you title it Sport of the future, but do not once address how it does or does not compare to traditional sporting events. Might wanna give that a try.
On October 20 2011 13:21 Zennith wrote: Wall of text? I dunno, this doesn't really feel like an essay, as I'm not sure what the thesis really is. Within typical essay format, it seems your thesis maybe comes midway through the first paragraph, which makes no sense.
Otherwise, while I'm not going to do your homework for you, it seems like this is all over the map and not particularly enlightening really in any way - trying to find something feminist about starcraft in one paragraph, talking about south korea and popularity... there's no real consistency here, and so the conclusions that are drawn seem to come from nowhere.
Basically, this is just a bunch of small paragraphs put together that really in no way build or relate to one another in meaningful/insightful ways.
Maybe try going back to english 101.
Well.. the thesis for the essay was "to what extent to videogames effect our education, social interaction, and our culture as a whole" pretty much...
I had to add the avatar paragraph and the female stuff because I was forced to use 2 sources from our textbook so i had to write about them... like i said this was last minute stuff... but yeah..
On October 20 2011 13:21 Zennith wrote: Wall of text? I dunno, this doesn't really feel like an essay, as I'm not sure what the thesis really is. Within typical essay format, it seems your thesis maybe comes midway through the first paragraph, which makes no sense.
Otherwise, while I'm not going to do your homework for you, it seems like this is all over the map and not particularly enlightening really in any way - trying to find something feminist about starcraft in one paragraph, talking about south korea and popularity... there's no real consistency here, and so the conclusions that are drawn seem to come from nowhere.
Basically, this is just a bunch of small paragraphs put together that really in no way build or relate to one another in meaningful/insightful ways.
Maybe try going back to english 101.
EDIT: Also, you title it Sport of the future, but do not once address how it does or does not compare to traditional sporting events. Might wanna give that a try.
What he's trying to say is that you need to specify what you're writing about. Are you writing about the rise of Starcraft in western culture or are you writing about how females are represented in the game? Good advice on the going back to English 101 lol
LOL, of course, i should have expected bad mannered people and internet bullies when trying to share something cool with the starcraft community -_______________-;
On October 20 2011 13:27 Bacon-X wrote: LOL, of course, i should have expected bad mannered people and internet bullies when trying to share something cool with the starcraft community -_______________-;
if correcting mistakes can be considered as a form of bullying, then I had it wrong all along.
To be honest, the essay need a lot of rework. Should have taken the time to write it instead of putting it off to the last second
There doesn't seem to be an underlying thesis or an idea that connects the paragraphs you wrote. Just seems like unrelated things put into a paragraph essay.
On October 20 2011 13:27 Bacon-X wrote: LOL, of course, i should have expected bad mannered people and internet bullies when trying to share something cool with the starcraft community -_______________-;
if correcting mistakes can be considered as a form of bullying, then I had it all wrong all along.
Naw it wasn't the helpful comments.. it was the ones who said i'm dumb and stuff...
yeah my writing isn't good and all but you know what... at least i tried...
I didn't have that much time to do it though so.. yeaaah... lol
I don't think the bit about portraits was necessary (kinda irrelevant). Best go into more depth about GSL / BW history / or teamliquid / reddit communites instead.
On October 20 2011 13:21 Zennith wrote: Wall of text? I dunno, this doesn't really feel like an essay, as I'm not sure what the thesis really is. Within typical essay format, it seems your thesis maybe comes midway through the first paragraph, which makes no sense.
Otherwise, while I'm not going to do your homework for you, it seems like this is all over the map and not particularly enlightening really in any way - trying to find something feminist about starcraft in one paragraph, talking about south korea and popularity... there's no real consistency here, and so the conclusions that are drawn seem to come from nowhere.
Basically, this is just a bunch of small paragraphs put together that really in no way build or relate to one another in meaningful/insightful ways.
Maybe try going back to english 101.
Well.. the thesis for the essay was "to what extent to videogames effect our education, social interaction, and our culture as a whole" pretty much...
I had to add the avatar paragraph and the female stuff because I was forced to use 2 sources from our textbook so i had to write about them... like i said this was last minute stuff... but yeah..
I think it's really cool that you have the guts to write about Starcraft in an essay, but... The essay doesn't answer the prompt at all. Nor does it flow.
On October 20 2011 13:21 Zennith wrote: Wall of text? I dunno, this doesn't really feel like an essay, as I'm not sure what the thesis really is. Within typical essay format, it seems your thesis maybe comes midway through the first paragraph, which makes no sense.
Otherwise, while I'm not going to do your homework for you, it seems like this is all over the map and not particularly enlightening really in any way - trying to find something feminist about starcraft in one paragraph, talking about south korea and popularity... there's no real consistency here, and so the conclusions that are drawn seem to come from nowhere.
Basically, this is just a bunch of small paragraphs put together that really in no way build or relate to one another in meaningful/insightful ways.
Maybe try going back to english 101.
Well.. the thesis for the essay was "to what extent to videogames effect our education, social interaction, and our culture as a whole" pretty much...
I had to add the avatar paragraph and the female stuff because I was forced to use 2 sources from our textbook so i had to write about them... like i said this was last minute stuff... but yeah..
I think it's really cool that you have the guts to write about Starcraft in an essay, but... The essay doesn't answer the prompt at all. Nor does it flow.
Yeah but like I said i had no time i had to do it last minute and i was forced to write about females in games and avatars since those were articles in the book and we had to quote the articles in our text book. so yeah.. it doesn't flow i know but i had to do that.
Sorry for my honesty. I'll write what you want to hear instead of what you need to hear instead.
The essay is fantastic, you are surely going to pass with flying colours. If your teacher gives you anything less then perfect marks you should sue them for harassment.
I felt the title misleading- I thought it would be about a Starcraft Essay that was so awesome, the class turned into nothing but studying/playing starcraft.
On October 20 2011 13:21 Zennith wrote: Wall of text? I dunno, this doesn't really feel like an essay, as I'm not sure what the thesis really is. Within typical essay format, it seems your thesis maybe comes midway through the first paragraph, which makes no sense.
Otherwise, while I'm not going to do your homework for you, it seems like this is all over the map and not particularly enlightening really in any way - trying to find something feminist about starcraft in one paragraph, talking about south korea and popularity... there's no real consistency here, and so the conclusions that are drawn seem to come from nowhere.
Basically, this is just a bunch of small paragraphs put together that really in no way build or relate to one another in meaningful/insightful ways.
Maybe try going back to english 101.
Well.. the thesis for the essay was "to what extent to videogames effect our education, social interaction, and our culture as a whole" pretty much...
I had to add the avatar paragraph and the female stuff because I was forced to use 2 sources from our textbook so i had to write about them... like i said this was last minute stuff... but yeah..
I think it's really cool that you have the guts to write about Starcraft in an essay, but... The essay doesn't answer the prompt at all. Nor does it flow.
Yeah but like I said i had no time i had to do it last minute and i was forced to write about females in games and avatars since those were articles in the book and we had to quote the articles in our text book. so yeah.. it doesn't flow i know but i had to do that.
You should have revolved your essay around those qoutes tbh, and reference starcraft and other videogames because it looked like a rush essay with 2 quotes thrown in for the sake of having quotes.
On October 20 2011 13:21 Zennith wrote: Wall of text? I dunno, this doesn't really feel like an essay, as I'm not sure what the thesis really is. Within typical essay format, it seems your thesis maybe comes midway through the first paragraph, which makes no sense.
Otherwise, while I'm not going to do your homework for you, it seems like this is all over the map and not particularly enlightening really in any way - trying to find something feminist about starcraft in one paragraph, talking about south korea and popularity... there's no real consistency here, and so the conclusions that are drawn seem to come from nowhere.
Basically, this is just a bunch of small paragraphs put together that really in no way build or relate to one another in meaningful/insightful ways.
Maybe try going back to english 101.
Well.. the thesis for the essay was "to what extent to videogames effect our education, social interaction, and our culture as a whole" pretty much...
I had to add the avatar paragraph and the female stuff because I was forced to use 2 sources from our textbook so i had to write about them... like i said this was last minute stuff... but yeah..
I think it's really cool that you have the guts to write about Starcraft in an essay, but... The essay doesn't answer the prompt at all. Nor does it flow.
Yeah but like I said i had no time i had to do it last minute and i was forced to write about females in games and avatars since those were articles in the book and we had to quote the articles in our text book. so yeah.. it doesn't flow i know but i had to do that.
If you had to write about females in games and avatars why didnt you write about females in games and avatars rather than trying to force your essay to be about starcraft while plonking a tiny little bit about each of those topics randomly in the middle of your essay?
If you posted a college essay and labelled it as one on to a site that contains a number of essay-length post on starcraft that are written much better, you had to have expected this. Not to say that it's not cool that you wrote an essay on starcraft for a college essay, but you can't post something like that and then complain that it's getting criticized.
On October 20 2011 13:37 SpectralFremen wrote: Sorry for my honesty. I'll write what you want to hear instead of what you need to hear instead.
The essay is fantastic, you are surely going to pass with flying colours. If your teacher gives you anything less then perfect marks you should sue them for harassment.
Spectral dropping bombs.
Maybe I misunderstand what 'college' means in other countries. We're talking university, right?
I'm with Zennith on this one. The essay lacks a major thesis that guides the writing as a whole. There are a number of grammatical errors and whatnot. It needs serious work.
On October 20 2011 13:16 Bacon-X wrote: When first starting to play, players may feel overwhelmed with the amount of content they have to learn. For example, all the structures, units, abilities, build orders, strategies, and which units are good against which.
Second sentence is a fragment. Also, do not end sentences with prepositions in academic writing.
On October 20 2011 13:16 Bacon-X wrote: The basic worker units of the Zerg, are called “Drones”.
Punctuation goes inside quotes. Here, it should be "Drones."
On October 20 2011 13:16 Bacon-X wrote: If you dream of playing the game professionally, you must have very quick reaction times and a minimum of 200 APM (Actions Per Minute).
I feel that it is better practice to introduce the long form of an acronym before the acronym itself. In the case of this sentence, the better form would be Actions Per Minute (APM).
Speaking of actions per minute, you do not take the time to explain to the reader what that term actually means. That omission detracts somewhat from your conclusion in the proceeding sentence where you state that the game is not a "kid's game."
On October 20 2011 13:16 Bacon-X wrote: Female players on StarCraft are still low in numbers, but their recognition in the game is invaluable. Many female portraits exist in the game, many of which males choose to wear as well. Females are also represented in the games units. The medivac, a flying aircraft piloted by a female, has a healing beam and the ability to load up units. Medivacs are essential for healing your army and are crucial for harassment. Without these female heroes, the entire game would be imbalanced. Many female gamers dislike female representation in games because “When the female avatar is hypersexualized, it is highly likely the female player won’t even consider the title.” (Sheri Graner Ray, 327). In StarCraft, females are not hypersexualized, in fact, they are just as important as the male characters. Kerrigan, a female known as “The Queen of Blades”, controls the Zerg, the bug-like alien race. StarCraft acknowledges its female audience and represents them equally. “Ideologically, it is vitally important that girls play and enjoy computer games because it increases their comfort level with technology, and this is essential for them to maintain economic parity with males in today’s society.” (Sheri Graner Ray, 328).
Alright, here it just seems like you are throwing in quotes from some required feminism text into your paper. The cites do not flow with the text and they just occupy space instead of complementing the arguments that you are making.
Readability stats place this around 10th grade work, so you still have time to get things up to the level where it needs to be before going to college. so it looks like your writing skills need a lot of work. Readability stats aren't everything to determining good or bad writing, but they do provide an interesting baseline.
I wrote a book on English grammatical usage and common errors that included an essay-writing strategy guide as a university senior project. Some of that critical gaze still has not rubbed off of me. I'm sorry if this post seems nitpicky.
On October 20 2011 13:37 SpectralFremen wrote: Sorry for my honesty. I'll write what you want to hear instead of what you need to hear instead.
The essay is fantastic, you are surely going to pass with flying colours. If your teacher gives you anything less then perfect marks you should sue them for harassment.
Spectral dropping bombs.
Maybe I misunderstand what 'college' means in other countries. We're talking university, right?
Basically yeah. US College = Post High school education so tafe/uni. btw Hi :D
On October 20 2011 13:37 SpectralFremen wrote: Sorry for my honesty. I'll write what you want to hear instead of what you need to hear instead.
The essay is fantastic, you are surely going to pass with flying colours. If your teacher gives you anything less then perfect marks you should sue them for harassment.
haha you might be an asshole. but you're a funny asshole! xD! hahah
On October 20 2011 13:38 Suc wrote: I doubt you will really get in trouble, but do you know if they use any systems like Turnitin that search for plagiarism?
On October 20 2011 13:37 SpectralFremen wrote: Sorry for my honesty. I'll write what you want to hear instead of what you need to hear instead.
The essay is fantastic, you are surely going to pass with flying colours. If your teacher gives you anything less then perfect marks you should sue them for harassment.
haha you might be an asshole. but you're a funny asshole! xD! hahah
On October 20 2011 13:41 Noak3 wrote: If you posted a college essay and labelled it as one on to a site that contains a number of essay-length post on starcraft that are written much better, you had to have expected this. Not to say that it's not cool that you wrote an essay on starcraft for a college essay, but you can't post something like that and then complain that it's getting criticized.
i don't mind it getting criticized... I dislike the posts that say i'm dumb or some shit though.
On October 20 2011 13:38 Suc wrote: I doubt you will really get in trouble, but do you know if they use any systems like Turnitin that search for plagiarism?
I didn't plagiarize this is my own work.
That's irrelevant. I'm referring to the fact that you posted this on the internet, which is one of the places that Turnitin checks. It will search the internet and find your essay. If you copy and pasted this from the thing that you submitted, it will be a 100% match. I assume your lecturer or someone would talk to you and you will say that that was you posting it online, which is why I said you probably won't get into trouble.
But still, if they are using Turnitin or something, not the greatest idea to post your work online.
Poor Bacon, posted his essay on tl to get some love for writing about sc and all he gets is people bashing his writing capabilities. Whether or not the paper is good, its nice to see you wrote about starcraft
I remember I made my common app essay about Starcraft lol (If anyone wants to read it feel free to PM me). I got into every school I applied too (maybe I should've tried to get into better schools DX).
Good luck with your essay!! Hopefully it'll get a good grade, if you get to revise it later :D
On October 20 2011 13:53 eVolvE342 wrote: Poor Bacon, posted his essay on tl to get some love for writing about sc and all he gets is people bashing his writing capabilities. Whether or not the paper is good, its nice to see you wrote about starcraft
On October 20 2011 13:44 itsjustatank wrote: I'm with Zennith on this one. The essay lacks a major thesis that guides the writing as a whole. There are a number of grammatical errors and whatnot. It needs serious work.
On October 20 2011 13:16 Bacon-X wrote: When first starting to play, players may feel overwhelmed with the amount of content they have to learn. For example, all the structures, units, abilities, build orders, strategies, and which units are good against which.
Second sentence is a fragment. Also, do not end sentences with prepositions in academic writing.
On October 20 2011 13:16 Bacon-X wrote: If you dream of playing the game professionally, you must have very quick reaction times and a minimum of 200 APM (Actions Per Minute).
I feel that It is better practice to introduce the long form of an acronym before the acronym itself. In the case of this sentence, the better form would be Actions Per Minute (APM).
Speaking of actions per minute, you do not take the time to explain to the reader what that term actually means. That omission detracts somewhat from your conclusion in the proceeding sentence where you state that the game is not a "kid's game."
On October 20 2011 13:16 Bacon-X wrote: Female players on StarCraft are still low in numbers, but their recognition in the game is invaluable. Many female portraits exist in the game, many of which males choose to wear as well. Females are also represented in the games units. The medivac, a flying aircraft piloted by a female, has a healing beam and the ability to load up units. Medivacs are essential for healing your army and are crucial for harassment. Without these female heroes, the entire game would be imbalanced. Many female gamers dislike female representation in games because “When the female avatar is hypersexualized, it is highly likely the female player won’t even consider the title.” (Sheri Graner Ray, 327). In StarCraft, females are not hypersexualized, in fact, they are just as important as the male characters. Kerrigan, a female known as “The Queen of Blades”, controls the Zerg, the bug-like alien race. StarCraft acknowledges its female audience and represents them equally. “Ideologically, it is vitally important that girls play and enjoy computer games because it increases their comfort level with technology, and this is essential for them to maintain economic parity with males in today’s society.” (Sheri Graner Ray, 328).
Alright, here it just seems like you are throwing in quotes from some required feminism text into your paper. The cites do not flow with the text and they just occupy space instead of complementing the arguments that you are making.
Readability stats place this around 10th grade work, so you still have time to get things up to the level where it needs to be before going to college. so it looks like your writing skills need a lot of work. Readability stats aren't everything to determining good or bad writing, but they do provide an interesting baseline.
I wrote a book on English grammatical usage and common errors that included an essay-writing strategy guide as a university senior project. Some of that critical gaze still has not rubbed of of me. I'm sorry if this post seems nitpicky.
If you're going to nitpick you should fix up the errors in your own post
Although I guess yours is a TL post and not a college essay.
Yeah but now he knows that it needs work. Ok I admit i was a bit... harsh in my initial post but at least Mr Bacon is aware that he needs to brush up on his writing abilities. Better then everyone telling him he is leetzor then his teacher drops a F bomb on his work.
On October 20 2011 13:53 eVolvE342 wrote: Poor Bacon, posted his essay on tl to get some love for writing about sc and all he gets is people bashing his writing capabilities. Whether or not the paper is good, its nice to see you wrote about starcraft
Haha thanks man! yeaaah starcraft 4 lyfe
Yeah I think most appreciate your enthusiasm for Starcraft. However, labeling it an essay is a bit misleading. Also, don't worry about people calling you dumb. They are just mistaking writing ability with intelligence. Unfortunately your writing capabilities need a lot of work, but that is something you can work on in college. Anyway gl in your class.
On October 20 2011 13:44 itsjustatank wrote: I'm with Zennith on this one. The essay lacks a major thesis that guides the writing as a whole. There are a number of grammatical errors and whatnot. It needs serious work.
On October 20 2011 13:16 Bacon-X wrote: When first starting to play, players may feel overwhelmed with the amount of content they have to learn. For example, all the structures, units, abilities, build orders, strategies, and which units are good against which.
Second sentence is a fragment. Also, do not end sentences with prepositions in academic writing.
On October 20 2011 13:16 Bacon-X wrote: The basic worker units of the Zerg, are called “Drones”.
Punctuation goes inside quotes. Here, it should be "Drones."
On October 20 2011 13:16 Bacon-X wrote: If you dream of playing the game professionally, you must have very quick reaction times and a minimum of 200 APM (Actions Per Minute).
I feel that It is better practice to introduce the long form of an acronym before the acronym itself. In the case of this sentence, the better form would be Actions Per Minute (APM).
Speaking of actions per minute, you do not take the time to explain to the reader what that term actually means. That omission detracts somewhat from your conclusion in the proceeding sentence where you state that the game is not a "kid's game."
On October 20 2011 13:16 Bacon-X wrote: Female players on StarCraft are still low in numbers, but their recognition in the game is invaluable. Many female portraits exist in the game, many of which males choose to wear as well. Females are also represented in the games units. The medivac, a flying aircraft piloted by a female, has a healing beam and the ability to load up units. Medivacs are essential for healing your army and are crucial for harassment. Without these female heroes, the entire game would be imbalanced. Many female gamers dislike female representation in games because “When the female avatar is hypersexualized, it is highly likely the female player won’t even consider the title.” (Sheri Graner Ray, 327). In StarCraft, females are not hypersexualized, in fact, they are just as important as the male characters. Kerrigan, a female known as “The Queen of Blades”, controls the Zerg, the bug-like alien race. StarCraft acknowledges its female audience and represents them equally. “Ideologically, it is vitally important that girls play and enjoy computer games because it increases their comfort level with technology, and this is essential for them to maintain economic parity with males in today’s society.” (Sheri Graner Ray, 328).
Alright, here it just seems like you are throwing in quotes from some required feminism text into your paper. The cites do not flow with the text and they just occupy space instead of complementing the arguments that you are making.
Readability stats place this around 10th grade work, so you still have time to get things up to the level where it needs to be before going to college. so it looks like your writing skills need a lot of work. Readability stats aren't everything to determining good or bad writing, but they do provide an interesting baseline.
I wrote a book on English grammatical usage and common errors that included an essay-writing strategy guide as a university senior project. Some of that critical gaze still has not rubbed of of me. I'm sorry if this post seems nitpicky.
If you're going to nitpick you should fix up the errors in your own post
Although I guess yours is a TL post and not a college essay.
Well played. "of of" should be "off of." I tried hard!
This, however, isn't responsive to the meat of the argument: this paper needs work. Hopefully it is revised.
On October 20 2011 13:21 Zennith wrote: Wall of text? I dunno, this doesn't really feel like an essay, as I'm not sure what the thesis really is. Within typical essay format, it seems your thesis maybe comes midway through the first paragraph, which makes no sense.
Otherwise, while I'm not going to do your homework for you, it seems like this is all over the map and not particularly enlightening really in any way - trying to find something feminist about starcraft in one paragraph, talking about south korea and popularity... there's no real consistency here, and so the conclusions that are drawn seem to come from nowhere.
Basically, this is just a bunch of small paragraphs put together that really in no way build or relate to one another in meaningful/insightful ways.
Maybe try going back to english 101.
Well.. the thesis for the essay was "to what extent to videogames effect our education, social interaction, and our culture as a whole" pretty much...
I had to add the avatar paragraph and the female stuff because I was forced to use 2 sources from our textbook so i had to write about them... like i said this was last minute stuff... but yeah..
Since you're in a English class, the second "to" should be "do" within that quote if you were to actually write that...
By the way, you should really use the indentations so it looks better on the eyes for the reader at the least...
I think we should respect the fact that this man was able to summon the courage to write about his passion. No matter how poorly/well written the essay was, he has balls most of us do not have, and that is leaving a semester of college grade to chance in order to try to expose others to our passion. In the end, hurting this man, is hurting esports.
On October 20 2011 13:42 WinteRR wrote: no referencing and double line breaks? :O
Uni/college in the US sounds dreamy!
Trust me, if I turned something like this in at my college I would fail without question, and probably fail the class and be forced to take a lower level english class next semester.
Just wanna let you know that in college in COM 101 i used to do my speeches on Esports all the time, i think it is a great way to get ppl that have no idea about esports to show them a little about our world. Great idea to write a paper about it. But keep it up write more about it in all your papers :D
On October 20 2011 13:44 itsjustatank wrote: I'm with Zennith on this one. The essay lacks a major thesis that guides the writing as a whole. There are a number of grammatical errors and whatnot. It needs serious work.
On October 20 2011 13:16 Bacon-X wrote: When first starting to play, players may feel overwhelmed with the amount of content they have to learn. For example, all the structures, units, abilities, build orders, strategies, and which units are good against which.
Second sentence is a fragment. Also, do not end sentences with prepositions in academic writing.
On October 20 2011 13:16 Bacon-X wrote: The basic worker units of the Zerg, are called “Drones”.
Punctuation goes inside quotes. Here, it should be "Drones."
On October 20 2011 13:16 Bacon-X wrote: If you dream of playing the game professionally, you must have very quick reaction times and a minimum of 200 APM (Actions Per Minute).
I feel that It is better practice to introduce the long form of an acronym before the acronym itself. In the case of this sentence, the better form would be Actions Per Minute (APM).
Speaking of actions per minute, you do not take the time to explain to the reader what that term actually means. That omission detracts somewhat from your conclusion in the proceeding sentence where you state that the game is not a "kid's game."
On October 20 2011 13:16 Bacon-X wrote: Female players on StarCraft are still low in numbers, but their recognition in the game is invaluable. Many female portraits exist in the game, many of which males choose to wear as well. Females are also represented in the games units. The medivac, a flying aircraft piloted by a female, has a healing beam and the ability to load up units. Medivacs are essential for healing your army and are crucial for harassment. Without these female heroes, the entire game would be imbalanced. Many female gamers dislike female representation in games because “When the female avatar is hypersexualized, it is highly likely the female player won’t even consider the title.” (Sheri Graner Ray, 327). In StarCraft, females are not hypersexualized, in fact, they are just as important as the male characters. Kerrigan, a female known as “The Queen of Blades”, controls the Zerg, the bug-like alien race. StarCraft acknowledges its female audience and represents them equally. “Ideologically, it is vitally important that girls play and enjoy computer games because it increases their comfort level with technology, and this is essential for them to maintain economic parity with males in today’s society.” (Sheri Graner Ray, 328).
Alright, here it just seems like you are throwing in quotes from some required feminism text into your paper. The cites do not flow with the text and they just occupy space instead of complementing the arguments that you are making.
Readability stats place this around 10th grade work, so you still have time to get things up to the level where it needs to be before going to college. so it looks like your writing skills need a lot of work. Readability stats aren't everything to determining good or bad writing, but they do provide an interesting baseline.
I wrote a book on English grammatical usage and common errors that included an essay-writing strategy guide as a university senior project. Some of that critical gaze still has not rubbed of of me. I'm sorry if this post seems nitpicky.
If you're going to nitpick you should fix up the errors in your own post
Although I guess yours is a TL post and not a college essay.
Well played. "of of" should be "off of." I tried hard!
This, however, isn't responsive to the meat of the argument: this paper needs work. Hopefully it is revised.
Oh I certainly know that, not denying it at all. I was just nitpicking your nitpicking for a few laughs.
Aside from that, I have a legitimate question (because I'm an English noob) rather than a nitpick, in this section of your post:
Alright, here it just seems like you are throwing in quotes from some required feminism text into your paper. The cites do not flow with the text and they just occupy space instead of complementing the arguments that you are making.
You use "The cites do not flow..." Can you use the word 'cites' in that form? I thought it would have been citations in that instance, or do both work?
Hmm sadly I have to agree with all the naggers and whiners in this thread. I mean I go to college, and I assume most of them have or currently do, and they are posting legitimate concerns regarding grammar and spelling as well as the inherent lack of an argument. Your paper might have looked good in high school if you were writing in a technology class where this may be more relevant and writing standards were lower, however you would get very little reward for this piece of work, at least where I study. And no references? Shame on you..
On October 20 2011 14:08 Tektos wrote: Aside from that, I have a legitimate question (because I'm an English noob) rather than a nitpick, in this section of your post:
Alright, here it just seems like you are throwing in quotes from some required feminism text into your paper. The cites do not flow with the text and they just occupy space instead of complementing the arguments that you are making.
You use "The cites do not flow..." Can you use the word 'cites' in that form? I thought it would have been citations in that instance.
Actually, I'm not that sure now when I think about it. Using "cites" in that form is a bit of jargon I picked up from the debate world.
Edit: After looking it up, looks like the jargon usage isn't universally accepted. I'd use "citations" if it wasn't already so ingrained in my brain.
On October 20 2011 14:19 nalgene wrote: So he already submitted...
"cites" as in "citation" or "citing" or "cited works"? and not "sites" as in location or a web page?
Kinda. A cite in jargon context is something like this:
On August 18 2011 08:03 itsjustatank wrote: Khalilzad 1995 (Zalmay, Def. An RAND, "Losing the Moment? The United States and the World After the Cold War," Washington Quarterly, vol 18, no 2; p 84) Under the third option, the United States would seek to retain global leadership and to preclude the rise of a global rival or a return to multipolarity for the indefinite future. On balance, this is the best long-term guiding principle and vision. Such a vision is desirable not as an end in itself, but because a world in which the United States exercises leadership would have tremendous advantages. First, the global environment would be more open and more receptive to American values -- democracy, free markets, and the rule of law. Second, such a world would have a better chance of dealing cooperatively with the world's major problems, such as nuclear proliferation, threats of regional hegemony by renegade states, and low-level conflicts. Finally, U.S. leadership would help preclude the rise of another hostile global rival, enabling the United States and the world to avoid another global cold or hot war and all the attendant dangers, including a global nuclear exchange. U.S. leadership would therefore be more conducive to global stability than a bipolar or a multipolar balance of power system.
1. Guy creates thread telling TL about how he submitted an Sc Essay for college; said Essay is pretty bad.
2. Guy's essay receives just criticism.
3. Guy calls critics bullies and bad mannered, because his essay is cool; presumably.
Am I getting this right so far?
What is this shit?
If you post a (no offense mate but it is) garbage essay on a public forum, can you expect anything less than criticism? Nobody went overboard with it; you even got some encouragement and positive responses and that's good for you.
But you can't call people out for doing what you've only invited them to do. If you're willing to make public your work, write a better essay's if you seek praise instead of criticism.
On October 20 2011 14:33 nalgene wrote: Criticism can be both positive and negative ( but you imply that it is only negative though ? )
edit: But in this case most of it is negative I suppose if not all...
The fact that it is negative shouldn't be an issue, most of it is constructive feedback, which is really the only thing that matters. But he probably should have just made it a blog. He would have received less attention, and therefore less negative feedback
intro: introduce shit, hook or something like that, thesis 3-5 body paragraphs: each one different point supporting thesis conclusion: summarize points and such
I haven't written an essay in forever so maybe I'm wrong but I think this is how it's done? This just seems like a bunch of random info on SC thrown together and doesn't have any focus. Always cool to write about SC though.
On October 20 2011 14:42 DEN1ED wrote: Isn't standard essay format something like:
intro: introduce shit, hook or something like that, thesis 3-5 body paragraphs: each one different point supporting thesis conclusion: summarize points and such
I haven't written an essay in forever so maybe I'm wrong but I think this is how it's done? This just seems like a bunch of random info on SC thrown together and doesn't have any focus. Always cool to write about SC though.
Standard essay formats are really fucking terrible. They encourage the writing of papers that have a severe lack of analysis and fall back to summary in order to meet length or format requirements. Well-written papers do not rely on cookie-cutter builds. Rather, they make their point to their reader as effectively and efficiently as possible.
This idea is the big jump from grade school level writing to university level writing that people do not seem to get.
On October 20 2011 13:27 Bacon-X wrote: LOL, of course, i should have expected bad mannered people and internet bullies when trying to share something cool with the starcraft community -_______________-;
if correcting mistakes can be considered as a form of bullying, then I had it all wrong all along.
Naw it wasn't the helpful comments.. it was the ones who said i'm dumb and stuff...
yeah my writing isn't good and all but you know what... at least i tried...
I didn't have that much time to do it though so.. yeaaah... lol
On the bright side, now you won't be surprised when it's handed back to you with a failing grade.
On October 20 2011 14:42 DEN1ED wrote: Isn't standard essay format something like:
intro: introduce shit, hook or something like that, thesis 3-5 body paragraphs: each one different point supporting thesis conclusion: summarize points and such
I haven't written an essay in forever so maybe I'm wrong but I think this is how it's done? This just seems like a bunch of random info on SC thrown together and doesn't have any focus. Always cool to write about SC though.
Standard essay formats are really fucking terrible. They encourage the writing of papers that have a severe lack of analysis and fall back to summary in order to meet length or format requirements. Well-written papers do not rely on cookie-cutter builds. Rather, they make their point to their reader as effectively and efficiently as possible.
This idea is the big jump from grade school level writing to university level writing that people do not seem to get.
Pretty much that.
Oh and is he doomed?
And yeah... I agree... some of that information seems unnecessary and would probably make it even worst than not having them at all...
On October 20 2011 13:27 Bacon-X wrote: LOL, of course, i should have expected bad mannered people and internet bullies when trying to share something cool with the starcraft community -_______________-;
if correcting mistakes can be considered as a form of bullying, then I had it all wrong all along.
Naw it wasn't the helpful comments.. it was the ones who said i'm dumb and stuff...
yeah my writing isn't good and all but you know what... at least i tried...
I didn't have that much time to do it though so.. yeaaah... lol
you admitted that you basically shit this out and didn't even bother giving it any kind of flow or anything. So yeah, you will have a bunch of comments telling you how you're dumb and lazy, that you're going to fail and that you're not deserving of someone taking their time to give you in depth commentary because you couldn't be bothered to put decent effort into work you're getting graded on
sure says a lot about your respect level for the community that you shit this thing out and expect everyone to help do your homework for you just because it's about SC. People here would help if you were a bad writer but actually tried, even just a little. You did not, you're a terrible writer, and the comments and grade will reflect that
Not wanting to jack a thread, but if anyone is interested, this was my essay on Tasteless and Artosis. It's not amazing, but it may cause you to look at their casting in a different light, and I managed to get an A- with it (which I was surprised with considering I wrote it in one sitting.)
Man, this is a terrible essay. I wrote better essays when I was in High School. Doing something like this last minute is no excuse, it's really that bad =_=.
Lol, okay.. so my writing skills are bad. I'm aware of the fact that I'm not the best writer ever... I'm working on it though!! I'm trying!! English isn't my strongest subject...
EPT
