EPTOk, I'll begin with some back-story. I met this girl for the first time in the late summer of 2009, I was 20 years old, she was 17. Let's call here Ewe. We met through a Swedish forum about metal music, and were two of few from the town I'm from, so we met up once, and then started meeting for concerts and what not. Maybe for a cup of coffee every once in a while. I quickly found an interest, but am quite timid, so I didn't make a move. Wasn't sure if I was in love or what not, so I wanted to feel the situation out a little bit more. Also, she was in an (unhappy) relationship at the time which fell to pieces about a month after we first met.
Then another guy, let's call him Bob, entered the picture,. Bob, and another guy (John from now on) that I was more acquainted with, live in a town just a couple of miles away, so they came down for gigs from time to time. At one of these gigs, Ewe made a move on Bob. They held hands and what not, and I saw something was going on. Later Bob took contact with me and asked if it was ok if he went on with it, since he knew I had an interest in her since before. I figured since it was something that happened naturally between them, I shouldn't cock block it - bros before hoes and all that. So they moved on with their relationship, and I subdued my own emotions.
Fast forward to the new year of 09-10. We had arranged a new years party with the forum members out of town, and I, Ewe and John was going to attend, however Bob couldn't for some reason. To cut it short, she hit it off with another guy there. I don't know much about the details, what had happened between Ewe and Bob in the months prior and so forth. In any case, I was disturbed by the whole thing. I wanted to talk to Bob about it, but felt it was none of my concern, however John told him. Things were over between Ewe and Bob.
And as the months went by, the things between Ewe and the new years flirt didn't work out. Guess it was because they lived about 5 hours by train/car from each other
After that, I and Ewe still met up at concerts every now and then. Carried on with the friendship, and I still held my emotions subdued. Reasoned she was too immature for something more to work, and I was content with how things were anyway... and if something happened, it would happen. And it happened...
So now to more recent times. Earlier this year, in February or so, yet another dude entered her life. This time it was the dude who picked her up however. And when she finished High School, or whatever the equivalent would be, she moved into his apartment. Apparently that was too soon, and she felt imprisoned in the relationship, saw they didn't fit together as well as it seemed in the first phase of infatuation etc. Still, she tried to get things to work out of sympathy for the guy, who had some problems on his own.
I had barely spoken to her during these months, we had only seen each other once at a festival during the summer, so I had no clue about the whole thing at the time. In any case, now there was this concert on the 27th of August that we met up for. Some other people were coming over to do some drinking before the gig, and we were going to be at her mothers place since it was close to the venue, and her mother was out of town. Since we hadn't talked for a while, I checked up on how things were, and she told me some details of the whole ordeal with this guy she lived with. We didn't talk much more about it, the other guys came around, we drank, went to the gig... And once it was over, I saw she was distressed. So I tried to comfort her, saw she was in a weak state of mind. We held hands, I held her and talked to soothe her. It was kind of late, everyone was exhausted, and people moved on homewards... I followed her to her home to her mothers place, felt like I couldn't leave her alone at that point. One of her girlfriends who had been out drinking came over as well, and both of us talked to her for a couple of hours. Tried to get her to realize that she couldn't drag things out with this guy any longer if she felt the way she did, yadda yadda.
Then her friend fell asleep on the couch, and I and Ewe was sitting next to each other on a bed in one of the bedrooms just chatting on. I was starting to enter the phase between intoxication and a hangover, was tired as a hell, and felt that something was "in the air". Couldn't make a move however. Felt it wasn't the right thing to do in the situation... She hadn't even broken up with the guy yet (she was going to, and did, the next day), I didn't want to "exploit" her when she was weak. So we laid there next to each other, held hands, and I was goofing about as I usually do when I'm tired/intoxicated. Eventually, we decided it was time to sleep, I got to sleep on her mothers bed, she went to her room. I laid there for about ten minutes thinking about the whole thing, my own emotions, her, how I should interpret the situation, how I should handle things onwards. Then she came in and said she couldn't fall asleep on her own, and if it was ok if she could sleep next to me. A slight panic kicked in, but I said yes. So she laid down next to me, I laid my arm around her... and we both tried to fall asleep for five minutes or so. Or well, I did at least. Then it came from her;
"Do you have feelings for me?"
Ugh... I panicked even more! My mind was in total chaos, but I was honest and said I did have feelings for her. She was quiet for about a minute, and then I threw the question back to her.
"What about you?"
"Yeah... but I'm afraid about what it would mean for our friendship."
I guess that was a warning bell. In any case, I got an anxiety attack after that. I shook like a leaf. We tried to talk a little bit more, I was a wreck mentally, and I can't even recall what any of us said after that. We tried to talk, I was angry at myself for having that reaction, but I couldn't calm down. After a while when both of us figured we couldn't get anything out of talking at that point, we decided to sleep separately anyway. Hehe. She gave me a kiss, and went to her bedroom. And I tried to sleep. Took me what felt like years to calm down, but eventually I did and entered oblivion...
The next day, I woke up, her friend had left for work, and everything was calm. I met up with Ewe in the living room, said good morning. We didn't speak of the night before, instead we talked about the whole breaking up thing with the other guy, to give her confidence in her decision and that it was time, and that I would be there for her afterward if she wanted to talk. I had to go home, and she had to do her thing, and we separated. I didn't hear anything from her for a few hours, and later that evening I sent her a text and asked how things were going. She said it was done, and that she was home alone, but was going to meet up with a friend for a few drinks, and that I could come along if I wanted to - which I did. But I was at a family gathering with my siblings and father, so I would show up later. But things didn't happen that way, since her company was moving on to other pubs, and she didn't feel like it, so she would come home to me instead.
She did, and my family was still there. So we just listened to music, had a few beers, socialized. Wasn't a situation where we could talk yet, but eventually people left and it was she and I. And we talked. About how she felt over the break up, and eventually... about us. What had happened the night before, what we should do from now on and so forth. Should we try for a relationship? What will happen now when things are out in the open when it comes to how we feel? We somewhat decided to give it a chance, but to take things slowly, feel things out. I put on a movie, and we fell asleep next to each other in my bed, her head on my chest. I barely slept that night.
Well, I guess that's the meaty part. The next few days, we met up a few times, talked about all manner of things, had long conversations on MSN. But I felt uneasy. I knew I had to give her time, but my own feelings were growing stronger and I wanted more, but I didn't know how to balance it out. So I figured I should just talk to her about it, but the situation was never right. I couldn't just bust it out of nowhere, felt weird to do that. I wanted to have the conversation face to face, and not via some messenger service, so I tried to meet her whenever, and get into a mood where I felt comfortable talking about it. But something always came in the way... Her mother came home if I was over there, she had to study (had just started a course at the university), she had a previous engagement with a friend etc.
Later that week, I felt how she started to get distant. When we met and gave each other I hug, I felt how it wasn't the same. She was somewhere else in her head when we talked about other things. I felt things were going in the wrong direction. Eventually on Saturday night, I figured I would just do it. I talked to her on MSN, and said I had thoughts about us and I wanted to talk about it, and she just logged off without a word. Then I knew something was totally wrong, and I felt like shit. The next morning, I logged on msn "as offline" to see if she was on, saw she was, and jumped in "as online", and she logged off as soon as I did. Figured she was avoiding me. A few hours passed, and I sent her a text saying I felt that she was being unjust and that we had to talk, to which she replied "later this evening".
And later that evening, or rather that night, since it was midnight, she logged on. And we talked... She said she was too labile for a relationship, that she was worried about our friendship (yeah, the warning bell before) and that she couldn't do it. That I was worth everything good in this world, but she wasn't it. Even if I had seen it coming, I was frustrated, and confused... I worded myself poorly, cut my sentences short and said I don't know about how things will transpire from now on, but that I don't know how a friendship could continue after what had happened. I just felt numb, and eventually said good bye and logged off. Went to bed, and fell asleep immediately.
The next day I had my little breakdown, was angry at myself for letting it happen, I cried. But later that evening something clicked in me, and I just felt calm and happy. And the day after that, I sent her a message on facebook, and said I had been overreacting, and that I held no ill feelings towards her. (I still don't) She said it was ok, that she had a lot to do, and that we could talk later that week.
So now, the aftermath. I thought I had come to terms with it all, but no. Last week, I started to feel the anxiety again. The thoughts kept me up at night, I couldn't fall asleep until my mind/body was at utter exhaustion. We hadn't talked since the exchange of PM's on facebook. I had to fight to hold the anxiety attacks back. I saw her online on MSN during these times, but I couldn't get myself to talk with her. So I waited for her to talk to me if she wanted to, but she never did. So last Tuesday I manned up and wrote to her, and said I still felt shit about the whole situation, but that I just needed to chat with her. Try to normalize the situation somehow. That I wanted to talk to her about what had happened between us at some other point when I felt more stable emotionally. And then we had some general talk about other things for an hour, just friendly banter.
So yeah. Now I don't know what to do anymore. My emotions and my rationale can't join together, I just feel confused. I know I can just let time tend my emotional wounds, but I don't know how the relationship with Ewe - as friends or whatever else - will function from now on. I don't know what actions I can do in the now to ease the feelings inside of me. I still have feelings for her, but I don't know if I should tell her that. I try to occupy myself to not think about it, but I can't. I've talked to friends about the whole thing, but I don't get anything out of it. I don't know if talking about it with her will do good rather than harm. I'm torn between different states of mind, sometimes self pity, sometimes anger, sometimes overwhelming sadness, sometimes I laugh at it all, that I'm making a hen out of a feather. When I lay my head on my pillow, it all strikes up within me... and thoughts. Thoughts about what I could've done different. Am I too needy? Should I have been more proactive? Should I have done less? Will we reach a point where a romantic relationship will be possible again? Can we stay friends? Will my emotions for her "die out"? How do I carry on... Hmm. Yeah, it's all chaotic inside. Confused and without answers, answers that probably don't even exist.
I've decided to stay away from MSN/the forum I talked about/facebook for a couple of days at least. Try and examine myself, try and not distract myself, and do some introspection. Take long walks, baths and so forth and just try and get something together within myself. But, hell... I figured I could try and talk about the whole thing here as well. Might get something out of it.
If you read this whole thing, I guess I can only thank you. If you didn't, I understand . So... yep. Have a good one. Sorry for any grammatical errors.
I'm so sorry
