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On September 23 2011 07:52 Starparty wrote:
It will be impossible for you at this stage to recieve and fully comprehend the following information but when this situation has passed you will, as someone mentioned earlier, 'facepalm' when you look back at it:
- There are more fish in the sea, bro. And the chances of you finding someone you actually fit toghether with that are good for you and not tearing you apart with teenage physchological problems are close to 100%.
Thing is, I'm aware of it. However, I don't want it to be that way. A bit idealistic and egoistic of me, perhaps. I'm aware of all the clichés, and the truth behind them... But emotions can be quite irrational.
On September 23 2011 08:34 qrs wrote:
Do Swedes use W for the V sound?
edit: also, I have a decent vocabulary but I'd never heard of "labile" in my life. I love how foreigners know the most obscure words.
Well, in general I guess we're pretty good at doing that. And I suppose I used that word since it's common in the Swedish vernacular, and since there is a direct translation in the English language I just went for it instead of "unstable" or whatever.
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I agree with Chill that the whole "ignore a girl so she likes you more" thing is overplayed but women DO like a bit of confidence, and nobody (male or female) is attracted to someone who is either clingy, or VERY VERY obviously trying to hide their clinginess or insecurity.
But that has nothing to do with your situation. You sound like one of those novels where knights pledge their love to a maiden fair and go through the rest of the book (20 years or so) being disappointed at every turn but being too purely in love to ever look at someone else. Don Quixote kind of lambasted that.
I'm not trying to be mean, I'm trying to snap you out of it because we've all been there. It gets easier after the first time and you are WASTING your time even thinking about her. I know you can't will yourself to not feel something, just know that we all find that crazy girl early in our lives who wen can't BELIEVE could do that and we subconsiously make excuses for her in our hearts if not our heads because deep down we know she's the one.
Bollocks. You just have butterflies in your stomach and its a high. It can be easy to think there's no one else out there at a young age. I honestly don't know why i put up with my first GFs shit for as long as I did (i was 17) now but at the time i was truly, honestly head over heels.
It fades, mate. You just need to avoid her company and time will do the rest, like any other addiction. I don't care how you FEEL, you can't control that, but you CAN control what you do. Man up and stay away from her and talk to someone if you're hurting but NOT her. Don't give anyone who doesn't deserve it that kind of power over you.
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On September 23 2011 08:45 Musclecore wrote:Show nested quote +On September 23 2011 07:52 Starparty wrote:
It will be impossible for you at this stage to recieve and fully comprehend the following information but when this situation has passed you will, as someone mentioned earlier, 'facepalm' when you look back at it:
- There are more fish in the sea, bro. And the chances of you finding someone you actually fit toghether with that are good for you and not tearing you apart with teenage physchological problems are close to 100%. Thing is, I'm aware of it. However, I don't want it to be that way. A bit idealistic and egoistic of me, perhaps. I'm aware of all the clichés, and the truth behind them... But emotions can be quite irrational.
Dont want it to be what way? Are you saying that a girl with low self esteem that has picked some five other guys before you, then coming to you after have been neglected by all of them - but - then has the nerve to neglect you with some bullshit reason like "it might ruin the friendship" is the perfect and one and only girl for you? It was some hour ago since i read it, did i get it wrong?
But if that was the case - seriously friend, think higher of yourself than that. Your true partner will be your best friend in the world, not some selfish teenager who treats you like dust.
Im not going to sit here and play hobby psychologist to any greater extent because I dont know your story, but to me it doesnt sound like romantic emotions, more like youre scared of this girl not being in your life because you havent properly had the realization that there is actually other women out there that will come after this mess. women that will care for you.
However, relationships is a trial and error process after all. I urge you to follow your heart even if it gets you burned. Then learn from it. Keep the proper words of wisdom here and whererever else in the back of your head though. Even if they say "we told you so", it can also be a sourse of inspiration if you feel disheartened so you dont let some ego emo girl make any deeper emotional scars in you.
Edit: in a moment of arrogance i will state that the poster above me is as equally fucking right as i am 
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Its very easy to approach this situation critically and in depth. That's what "love" or "attraction" or "a bond" will do to you. I had almost an entirely similar situation with someone over the course of about 7 years. What you realize at the end of it all, is that a girl like this has her brain trained on physical attraction and a DOMINANT, confident, and cocky(internally) GO-GETTER type of individual. Women who date these kinds of guys dont see all of this, they only see, SECURITY and THRILL. These two things are what develop a young girls brain into an irrational "dumb decisions making" girl who will never be able to keep happy because she puts her heart into security and sacrifices everything else, only to hit a brick wall when she realizes the security was only in physical form, she never had spiritual/mental/emotional/sincere security. Thats where YOU come in. You've been the only thing stable to her in that category but you've never had the BALLS to take control of the situation. Shes known that, but because shes a girl can only react to your shyness and stay friends from fear of not wanting to lose the only thing stable in her life.
You have a strong presence in the mental/emotional security for her, but a terrible presence in the physical confidence realm of things. Thats something that as a man you will have to develop and address that area of your life.
But I want to point out a serious thing you should learn from all this. You are emotionally complex. The things you consider, hesitate upon, and decide wisely on, the average simple girl would never come close to until years beyond you. This means you need a girl who is equally invested and mature in the same areas as you. Otherwise, you will be involved in a one sided relationship that you will never truly be happy in, contrary to what your "heart" is telling you right now in this situation.
Right now...your dick/heart wants, "what could be". Your brain has all the evidence to conclude that this girl doesnt have the "right build" compatibility for what your heart/dick/BRAIN NEEDS.
You have to remember, you are hesitant in every serious encounter with her. Its more than just a fear for losing her, your whole body is actually preventing you from being with this girl.
You need to listen to that and not just write it off as "the jitters". You have to let this go for the well-being of your opportunity to find someone that your brain, heart, and dick can all mutually appreciate. It can't be one or even two sided.
I hope all your wounds heal and for now, being that your heart is so volatile, you let your brain make the next few major decisions for yourself.
Goodluck brother.
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Canada11363 Posts
Regarding thing's to have done differently. Maybe it's just me, but I'd be cautious of the cuddle immediately before or after a break-up as you could simply find yourself part of a relationship/emotion rebound. I personally think it was fine you didn't want to 'exploit' her. It might have been better to err even further than you did, unless you're just hoping for a one night stand. To me, things are just too messy emotionally to get involved at that stage.
The other thing- I'm a firm believer in face to face when trying define a relationship. For one, I think the 'no' sinks in a little deeper when hearing it in person. It's harder/ more awkward, but also easier to interpret intentions.
As for now, probably best to let it lie. You could play it out longer, but it'll probably come down to a mental shift of deciding not to pursue her despite your feelings. Because for whatever reason, emotions are irrationally hopeful. But fortunately a person can be an emotional basketcase for awhile and yet make some smart, conscious choice to stop further relationship attempts. There's a time for persistence, but when the time comes to stop, you stop. And ride out the emotions as best you can. But knowing that doesn't make it easier.
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Marshall Islands3404 Posts
this is a very run of the mill story....that slutty girl that uses clingy guys like yourself to make her feel good about herself when she's just probably a decent looking tramp. Probably had daddy issues growing up or something.
I know this doesn't sound true right now but just give it a month or so and you'll eventually forget about it unless you perpetually dwell on it and stalk her, etc. Best thing you can do is just pretend like it didnt affect you emotionally at all and just shrug it off like it was nothing, you can tell she is getting very turned off from the fact that you keep saying that you want to "make things straight" and all this all other nonsense. Save that for your 30s man, teen girls dont give a shit about that stuff. They just want to fuck and get a feel for what they like and don't like in relationships, all the guys you mentioned here are just lab rats and you are the clingy friend.
best of luck getting over it once you realize that.
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Ok, so now I've got the whole story told about what happened from her account. I was weighing between just cutting all contact, and talking to her and cut things clear. Decided I wanted to talk to her anyway, get things straightened out.
So, I sent her a message friday night/saturday morning and said I wanted to do just that. No answer yesterday, no answer today. I started talking with a dude I know intimately, that I know I can talk to, about the whole thing about an hour ago. He also knows this girl. He said he could be a messenger inbetween us, and I just felt "Fuck it, let's do it and get things in the clear!".
Apparently she got hooked up with this other dude two weeks ago, but couldn't tell me because she was too afraid to hurt me even more. Some other things were transfered, but that's the important part. As I said (I think) in the OP, she said she was too "labile" and that she wasn't "ready for a relationship". Oh, and I also got told that she said she had said everything she wanted to say when we talked at the break up. So, now I know how she behaves, and that she is false. I just got pissed off and couldn't handle it any more.
So yeah. I'm angry as fuck, but I don't feel sad or anything. At least I know where she stands now, and can move on without any regrets. I deleted her from facebook/MSN and so forth. Time to move in in life and unto other adventures...
Thanks for all the support and advice.
P.S. Sorry for typos, I'm still damn angry and just wanted to get it out there.
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On September 23 2011 08:34 qrs wrote:
Do Swedes use W for the V sound?
edit: also, I have a decent vocabulary but I'd never heard of "labile" in my life. I love how foreigners know the most obscure words.
Oh, about the blog. Just about everyone goes through this at one time or another. The whole, "you think you're over her and then you get a relapse" thing? Totally normal. I know it's cliche that time heals all wounds, but cliches get to be that way for a reason. This too shall pass.
"labile" is "labil" in Swedish and is pretty common word in Swedish therefor he used it in English as well ^^.
On September 26 2011 07:54 Musclecore wrote:
Ok, so now I've got the whole story told about what happened from her account. I was weighing between just cutting all contact, and talking to her and cut things clear. Decided I wanted to talk to her anyway, get things straightened out.
So, I sent her a message friday night/saturday morning and said I wanted to do just that. No answer yesterday, no answer today. I started talking with a dude I know intimately, that I know I can talk to, about the whole thing about an hour ago. He also knows this girl. He said he could be a messenger inbetween us, and I just felt "Fuck it, let's do it and get things in the clear!".
Apparently she got hooked up with this other dude two weeks ago, but couldn't tell me because she was too afraid to hurt me even more. Some other things were transfered, but that's the important part. As I said (I think) in the OP, she said she was too "labile" and that she wasn't "ready for a relationship". Oh, and I also got told that she said she had said everything she wanted to say when we talked at the break up. So, now I know how she behaves, and that she is false. I just got pissed off and couldn't handle it any more.
So yeah. I'm angry as fuck, but I don't feel sad or anything. At least I know where she stands now, and can move on without any regrets. I deleted her from facebook/MSN and so forth. Time to move in in life and unto other adventures...
Thanks for all the support and advice.
P.S. Sorry for typos, I'm still damn angry and just wanted to get it out there.
Yeah that sucks :S. Anyway gl in the future and keep on HWAITING! =)
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Definately sounds like this relationship has caused so much feelings that you should be more active about it. She could very well feel like you didn't care enough about it to work on it when you kept looking for that "right moment". Indeed you're the one to take control of the situation, not endlessly let her mind wonder about if your ambitions are strong enough. I can only assume how girl might react if she heard the guy had had "feelings" for her for years. How deep end endless love can you consider something that has been able to be muted for so long? I can understand man acting that way, but girl might not end up considering the situation in most attracted fashion.
Should just go allin with it and make her know that you really want it with passion. Trying to play safe to "at least" get the friendship where it was might aswell cause more pain on a long run thinking what could've been.
e: Ah hell, sorry for pushing the thread up, wrote post after reading page 1 and didn't look at dates.
e2: well, despite how it unfortunately panned out, it was still good to clear the thing out. Imagine just having given up on it and hoping you could be friends? Could be ahead of years of blaming yourself for not trying enough. Even if made angry now, on long run it has to be better than being sad and blaming self.
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EPT
