You have no shot. Forget about any kind of romantic relationship. She already knows how you feel, she doesn't feel the same way and it's just near impossible to be with someone you have feelings for as much as it is the other way around. Don't contact for at a while (weeks instead of days), at least till you're at a point when you're able to talk to her without all this hanging over you. You're a mess and you won't get her while you're like that. Get back to your regular self, who she obviously liked, and maybe, maybe, you get another shot in the distant future.
As for the thinking too much about it, not much to do about it. Personally, I've found limited amounts of alcohol helpful at times.
Thanks for all the advice so far, and I agree with 95% of what has been said. As I think was clear from some of the things I've said already, I kind of already know what route I have to go down, but my mind produces counterarguments all the time. So your words help reinforce my will to do what is right, no matter the consequences.
And yeah, when I talk with her, I'm going to do it between two faces, not a computer screen. The hardest for me, however, will be to not be foolishly "nice". I just hope I can get it all out once we talk.
I still know I have a lot, a lot, a lot to learn when it comes to relationships. I was in a huge, depressive and introvert phase throught my teens where I barely had any contact with anyone, which I didn't get out of until I was 19 (I'm 22 now). So I'm well aware of being indecisive and a bit clumsy and clueless. Something I just got to work on moving forward, and however things pan out with this, I hope it can be a lesson for myself.
On September 23 2011 06:11 Musclecore wrote: Thanks for all the advice so far, and I agree with 95% of what has been said. As I think was clear from some of the things I've said already, I kind of already know what route I have to go down, but my mind produces counterarguments all the time. So your words help reinforce my will to do what is right, no matter the consequences.
And yeah, when I talk with her, I'm going to do it between two faces, not a computer screen. The hardest for me, however, will be to not be foolishly "nice". I just hope I can get it all out once we talk.
I still know I have a lot, a lot, a lot to learn when it comes to relationships. I was in a huge, depressive and introvert phase throught my teens where I barely had any contact with anyone, which I didn't get out of until I was 19 (I'm 22 now). So I'm well aware of being indecisive and a bit clumsy and clueless. Something I just got to work on moving forward, and however things pan out with this, I hope it can be a lesson for myself.
be more like the music you listen to, you are now fringe-man noone will call you fickle, or clumsy
you are heavy f*cking metal. like seige tanks dropping on other siege tanks. take all the bases, more tanks, don't hide the children you ARE the tank : D
Frankly, when she asked whether she could sleep next to you, you should have just said "no, I need my sleep" that or made a move. a ribald offer thats half serious half jest perhaps.
But you dropped the ball by giving her the attention she was seeking. Once she was aware you were perfectly willing to continue being an emotional sponge who will listen to her problems while she got her dick elsewhere, she immediately cooled down.
You are letting her drive the framework of your relationship. Man up.
She doesn't sound that great, anyways and I would wager you could find better.
On September 23 2011 06:21 lixlix wrote: Frankly, when she asked whether she could sleep next to you, you should have just said "no, I need my sleep" that or made a move. a ribald offer thats half serious half jest perhaps.
But you dropped the ball by giving her the attention she was seeking. Once she was aware you were perfectly willing to continue being an emotional sponge who will listen to her problems while she got her dick elsewhere, she immediately cooled down.
You are letting her drive the framework of your relationship. Man up.
She doesn't sound that great, anyways and I would wager you could find better.
I truly, truly think this is an angle that has been played up by the internet.
I can most certainly relate to how you're feeling.
She's three years younger and it seems she isn't looking for any serious long term relationships. Just be careful with whatever you decide to do. I personally would distance myself from her until I felt more emotionally stable. Worry about yourself right now, don't live for her every word/action. Go have fun, distract yourself until you feel more rational about the situation.
On September 23 2011 06:16 nanaoei wrote: be more like the music you listen to, you are now fringe-man noone will call you fickle, or clumsy
you are heavy f*cking metal. like seige tanks dropping on other siege tanks. take all the bases, more tanks, don't hide the children you ARE the tank : D
;you can do it
On September 23 2011 06:29 Ruffian wrote: I can most certainly relate to how you're feeling.
She's three years younger and it seems she isn't looking for any serious long term relationships. Just be careful with whatever you decide to do. I personally would distance myself from her until I felt more emotionally stable. Worry about yourself right now, don't live for her every word/action. Go have fun, distract yourself until you feel more rational about the situation.
Whatever happens, good luck
It's not really like that right now, however I was at that point last week. I feel 85% at ease with what I have to do, and want to do, but the bad feelings won't go away. Sometimes its worse, most of the time I feel ok. Trying to figure out through introspection if there's something deeper within me at fault, just triggered by these events.
I need a more "Do or die!"-attitude in general, I reckon. And thanks man!
On September 23 2011 06:11 Musclecore wrote: And yeah, when I talk with her, I'm going to do it between two faces, not a computer screen. The hardest for me, however, will be to not be foolishly "nice". I just hope I can get it all out once we talk.
You met a girl, you liked her, you never did anything about it, years pass, you give it an awkward try for like, a week, and then stop.
She said "she doesn't want to hurt the friendship". From what you described, you didn't see her as a friend. She was always that love interest to you. Maybe not when she was with someone or you were with someone, but the entire basis of your friendship was founded between your romantic interest in her. Her idea of the friendship and your idea are not the same. If you go back to your idea it will destroy you inside. Been there. Done that. NOT FUN!
When you meet her don't be conciliatory. I know you're trying to do right by her and put her at the forefront, which is admirable btw, but in this case it's not appropriate. You're in love with this girl. She has feelings for you. You're here RIGHT NOW and your offer should only be a one-time deal. No thinking about it, no delay, no maybe - it's a yes or no.
"But I don't want to hurt the friendship". (If it were me in your situation I'd say...) "I'm not interested in being friends with you. I'm in love with you. I've had feelings for you since we met. I want to be with you. If that means hurting the friendship I'll take that chance because you're worth the risk.Don't you want to give it a try and see how it works out?"
I felt the same way about a girl when I was in high school. I was stupidly in love with her despite her being overall a pretty terrible person and knowing she slept with tons of other guys. I never really had a chance with her, but she sure as hell liked to tell me everything and keep me around.
It took me like half of high school to get over her. Now that I'm not a stupid kid anymore, it's been like 8 years since I've spoken to or thought about her except in cases like these. I feel pretty ridiculously stupid and I realize it would never have worked anyway... I would've went out with her for 1 month before it ended because she fucked another dude or something similar. She was just using me to vent about her idiotic antics. You seem a bit closer to this girl but it's a similar situation.
Overall, some girls are just too much of a hassle. Even if they don't mean to do bad, you can't be in a real relationship with them and I feel the girl from your story is just like that. They jump from guy to guy and they are (usually) emotional wrecks that can't handle their own lives.
Now that I'm more mature and have a better idea what type of people the ones around me are, I realize that there are a lot of girls like this (not that a ton of guys don't have their flaws but it's not the point here).
To be honest, be around a girl for about an hour and talk with her about random things and you'll know if she's worth putting time into or if she's just another one that doesn't have a goal in life and will jump ship as soon as she finds the next flavor of the month. If you're being honest with yourself, you already know where Ewe falls.
From your story, I wouldn't want a relationship with this girl. She was sleeping in the same bed as you while she had a boyfriend, trouble or not. She did this instead of fixing or ending her relationship (I'll gamble and say she had a decent amount of blame in the bad relationship as well). She dumped another of her boyfriends for another guy. Overall, you should know well enough that you wouldn't be able to trust her. She gave you a chance to sleep with her when she got in your bed as well... you didn't take it and you're probably better off for it.
My suggestion, keep her out of your life. You can't handle simply being her friend and she's not a person worth pursuing a relationship with. It's the only path I see for you except being hurt over and over again and I wouldn't want you to go there since you've been living it for a while already... You think you love her now, I get it. I went through the same thing. But it's not worth it and a ton of other guys that have gone through the same thing can tell you, you will never get a good ending sticking around them.
On September 23 2011 06:53 Kurr wrote: I felt the same way about a girl when I was in high school. I was stupidly in love with her despite her being overall a pretty terrible person and knowing she slept with tons of other guys. I never really had a chance with her, but she sure as hell liked to tell me everything and keep me around.
It took me like half of high school to get over her. Now that I'm not a stupid kid anymore, it's been like 8 years since I've spoken to or thought about her except in cases like these. I feel pretty ridiculously stupid and I realize it would never have worked anyway... I would've went out with her for 1 month before it ended because she fucked another dude or something similar. She was just using me to vent about her idiotic antics. You seem a bit closer to this girl but it's a similar situation.
Overall, some girls are just too much of a hassle. Even if they don't mean to do bad, you can't be in a real relationship with them and I feel the girl from your story is just like that. They jump from guy to guy and they are (usually) emotional wrecks that can't handle their own lives.
Now that I'm more mature and have a better idea what type of people the ones around me are, I realize that there are a lot of girls like this (not that a ton of guys don't have their flaws but it's not the point here).
To be honest, be around a girl for about an hour and talk with her about random things and you'll know if she's worth putting time into or if she's just another one that doesn't have a goal in life and will jump ship as soon as she finds the next flavor of the month. If you're being honest with yourself, you already know where Ewe falls.
From your story, I wouldn't want a relationship with this girl. She was sleeping in the same bed as you while she had a boyfriend, trouble or not. She did this instead of fixing or ending her relationship (I'll gamble and say she had a decent amount of blame in the bad relationship as well). She dumped another of her boyfriends for another guy. Overall, you should know well enough that you wouldn't be able to trust her. She gave you a chance to sleep with her when she got in your bed as well... you didn't take it and you're probably better off for it.
My suggestion, keep her out of your life. You can't handle simply being her friend and she's not a person worth pursuing a relationship with. It's the only path I see for you except being hurt over and over again and I wouldn't want you to go there since you've been living it for a while already... You think you love her now, I get it. I went through the same thing. But it's not worth it and a ton of other guys that have gone through the same thing can tell you, you will never get a good ending sticking around them.
On September 23 2011 06:26 lixlix wrote: which angle?
"You should have alpha'd that bitch at every turn." "She was testing you and you failed."
etc.
Well, if my post came off that way, then its not what I intended but if we honestly assess the situation, when she entered the room and asked to lie down next to him, what was she intending to do?
Was she honestly looking for a relationship or was she seeking attention?
I don't think she was testing him, rather that she was selfishly just seeking attention at a time when her ego was at a low point.
I just don't believe in the "I would like a relationship with you but I'm not going to because I am afraid to lose our friendship line". Its just a throwaway bullshit phrase.
I mean even our inexperienced OP had warning bells go off.
On September 23 2011 06:11 Musclecore wrote: Thanks for all the advice so far, and I agree with 95% of what has been said. As I think was clear from some of the things I've said already, I kind of already know what route I have to go down, but my mind produces counterarguments all the time. So your words help reinforce my will to do what is right, no matter the consequences.
And yeah, when I talk with her, I'm going to do it between two faces, not a computer screen. The hardest for me, however, will be to not be foolishly "nice". I just hope I can get it all out once we talk.
I still know I have a lot, a lot, a lot to learn when it comes to relationships. I was in a huge, depressive and introvert phase throught my teens where I barely had any contact with anyone, which I didn't get out of until I was 19 (I'm 22 now). So I'm well aware of being indecisive and a bit clumsy and clueless. Something I just got to work on moving forward, and however things pan out with this, I hope it can be a lesson for myself.
I think a good trick to avoid being nice is by being as nice to her as you are to other guys. Girls can tell when you're being "foolishly nice" as you put it and they understand it's because you're after something from them (usually sex). If you treat her just as another guy, you get a baseline as to how nice you should be towards her while appearing normal.
So unless you receive some kind of relationship upgrade, you're not obligated to listen to her troubles (unless you're a Mother Teresa-type of figure who's really, really altruistic). Doing that sort of stuff is too much to expect from the average guy and like Chill said, you'd have to be completely devoid of emotions to endure that while you have feelings for her.
edit: The posters above seem to be on the ball as to what you should do next.
Thing is, I'm the same way with guys. It's a general personality trait of mine. I can only be harsh in work environments towards my boss for some reason, then I take no shit.
Anyway, I'll ponder what has been written, and whatever is to come, and talk to her soon in any case. And come with an update when I know what's going down.
On September 23 2011 05:59 Chill wrote: It's going to be impossible to stay friends with this girl unless you are the most emotionless man ever. So, accepting that, your options are to stop worrying about her feelings and catch her, or stop worrying about her feelings and move on.
What you don't want to do is be worrying about her feelings and sitting in no man's land for 2 years while she dates another half dozen guys.
Still friends with most of my exes, but im also pretty emotionless so probably an accurate piece of advice
It sounds like you know that things won't work out, but you're struggling to come to the realization since you've put the time in and realize nothing will come of it. At this point I think you'd be better off moving on, at the very least not talking to this girl for a long period time.
My closest female friend I (who happens to be one of my best friends) have been friends for about 10 year now, and all the way up through high school we had these periods of time where we'd be flirty and that stuff, which would eventually boil over into one of the conversations like you described where it would be oh well how do you feel, where do we go from here, etc. Im sure most people have experienced a similar situation. In the case of my friend and I, these would always blow up into huge arguments, always ending in us not speaking for anywhere from 2-6 months before one of us reconnected with the other. It's taken a long enough time but weve finally been able to drop the what if scenario and be friends, and yes we did attempt to go further, but it was extremely short lived and we both realized it wouldn't work.
So my advice: if you cant take the feeling now, take a break, try again later, especially if she's a friend you actually want as a friend, and not just a piece of ass you've got a lot in common with. If she is just a piece of ass, then go for it, hit it as long as you can, and it'll probably end up like the rest of her relationships you described, and you'll have finally gotten something out of it
I never believed in the friendzone, or the game or any of that stuff until today. Sorry, but this girl sounds like a player, and you got outplayed. She has arranged things so she jumps from one boy to another. She is never alone, but leaves a trail of broken hearts behind her. You sound like a nice boy, and need to find a nice girl. I would recommend moving on to someone that won't sleep with a boy the day before her breakup.
Move on. It will be difficult but that's what you have to do. She is not worth it atm.
Don't talk to her unless she talks to you first, and if this happens, it will be a long time from now, maybe months. Then be nice, but don't rush, it will be like a new start. Then it can happen that:
A: You continue to be friends.
B: She wants to sart over again. In that case, you will tell her no because within the time passed, you will have realized she is not mature enough for what you are looking in a girl and that you don't love her anymore.
That's my advice, now it's for you to analyze it and think if it helps you.
Good luck, it happened to me once and it's a hard time, but time heals everything.
It will be impossible for you at this stage to recieve and fully comprehend the following information but when this situation has passed you will, as someone mentioned earlier, 'facepalm' when you look back at it:
- There are more fish in the sea, bro. And the chances of you finding someone you actually fit toghether with that are good for you and not tearing you apart with teenage physchological problems are close to 100%.
edit: also, I have a decent vocabulary but I'd never heard of "labile" in my life. I love how foreigners know the most obscure words.
Oh, about the blog. Just about everyone goes through this at one time or another. The whole, "you think you're over her and then you get a relapse" thing? Totally normal. I know it's cliche that time heals all wounds, but cliches get to be that way for a reason. This too shall pass.
EPT
I just hope I can get it all out once we talk.
