|
Hey TL, I asked all of my friends and it seems nobody has an answer for me on what to do here.
Im new to blogging, but I hope you can help! 
So im in a relationship with a beautiful girl who ive known for 4 years now,together only the past 6 months.
Now Im happy, don't get me wrong, but there's something that bothers me enough to wonder if this relationship is worth continuing.
Every time I talk to her I end up feeling mad because im undervalued and underappreciated. She'd rather go to a bbq with her friends than to a midnight firework show with me, to name one example.
I honestly feel like im putting my best foot forward; Im doing for her the best I can but its almost like she isn't as committed as I am. Clearly, my efforts aren't being noticed and are almost being taken for granted.
Now my question TL, is,
How do I fix my situation without breaking up with her- is a direct confrontation the only way?
Also, am I over reacting? Is this relationship even worth continuing.. Can I change the way I feel about how she treats me?
And lastly; is it worth it to be serious about this girl even though we've only been together for 6 months?
Thanks for your help, please no trolls!
 
|
just have a talk with her and see why she acts the way she is, if she really doesn't want to be with you, its for the better you guys know where you stand with each other, and end on good terms.
i personally think you are overreacting a little bit, because although you are her boyfriend, she has other friends to hang out with, and everyone needs space, even if you are in a relationship, if you truely have feelings for her, but unsure, then talk to her, theres no harm in doing so, sure maybe you might break up, but if she lost all feelings for you, is it really worth it to continue a dead relationship? but hey, it could just be you being paranoid, and there was nothing for you to fret in the first place
|
Well, first and foremost, you should have a talk with her and be direct about how you feel. Don't be aggressive or anything, but let her know how you feel about her (like how much you care about her), and the frustration you've recently felt.
Whether or not the relationship is something to continue with entirely depends on you; are the sacrifices you make worth being in a relationship with her?
Just remember, if there comes a time where there is more pain than happiness, its time to move on
|
Yea im paranoid to begin with, and my low self esteem usually raises a lot of worry in myself. It makes it pretty tough to tell if her tone is mad at me or just uninterested.
In our conversations she rarely adds anything and suggests that I talk more because she has nothing to say but I dont know what to think of that.
If I did end up talking to her, Would it be wise to say that it's been bothering me? Or should I just approach pretending nothing is wrong and that im just curious?
It just worries me to think about how im going to ask her that because what if it makes her mad, that she thinks I dont trust her..?
|
This is a tough situation
but it will be fine i promise.
|
clearly, u need to do better in bed.
|
Give her some space.
Chicks hate clingy, needy guys.
If its meant to be, backing off a little bit will fire her up a little, and make her all the more eager to spend time with you.
If not, fuck it. Move on.
|
Maybe plan shit better? I have the same problem with my GF all the time, but its because I want to do something that night with all of an hour's notice as far as she's concerned. If shes planned to go to a bbq at her friend's for a week or two she tends to feel obligated to go hang out with her friends most of the time.
If she's going places without ever inviting you though you need to talk to her.
|
Do you fart a lot? That might be the problem.
|
There's a severe lack of details.
Do you engage in coitus with her?
How often do you already spend time with her?
What sort of activities did you guys do?
How serious do you view the relationship?
Has the time you spent together gone down since the beginning (if so, by how much)?
Off the bat, I think she's views the amount of dedication or input to this relationship differently from you. Meaning that she might not view it as serious as you do (with a heavy friend-like relationship of 4 years, this is to be expected). Maybe she translated this relationship as the same thing you guys had before, but with more interaction and physical engagement.
That's my thoughts off the bat, but it isn't fair or supported without the questions above answered.
|
Baltimore, USA22259 Posts
On July 31 2011 16:05 MrBitter wrote:
Give her some space.
Chicks hate clingy, needy guys.
If its meant to be, backing off a little bit will fire her up a little, and make her all the more eager to spend time with you.
If not, fuck it. Move on.
Just to reinforce, this is the only good advice that has been given so far.
|
Yay Girl Blog!
On July 31 2011 15:40 Temporarykid wrote:Hey TL, I asked all of my friends and it seems nobody has an answer for me on what to do here. Im new to blogging, but I hope you can help! So im in a relationship with a beautiful girl who ive known for 4 years now,together only the past 6 months. Now Im happy, don't get me wrong, but there's something that bothers me enough to wonder if this relationship is worth continuing. Every time I talk to her I end up feeling mad because im undervalued and underappreciated. She'd rather go to a bbq with her friends than to a midnight firework show with me, to name one example. I honestly feel like im putting my best foot forward; Im doing for her the best I can but its almost like she isn't as committed as I am. Clearly, my efforts aren't being noticed and are almost being taken for granted. Now my question TL, is, How do I fix my situation without breaking up with her- is a direct confrontation the only way? Also, am I over reacting? Is this relationship even worth continuing.. Can I change the way I feel about how she treats me? And lastly; is it worth it to be serious about this girl even though we've only been together for 6 months? Thanks for your help, please no trolls!
Whether you want to relationship to continue is clearly up to you. Different people have different expectations for relationships.
I personally don't see what's wrong with wanting to go with friends to a BBQ, maybe she planned that before your fireworks night out. As long as you're not seeing her too infrequently, I think you just need to accept that she will not be able to spend all of her time with you. She will want to spend some of it with her friends. Same for you no?
1cent.
|
On July 31 2011 15:52 Temporarykid wrote:
Yea im paranoid to begin with, and my low self esteem usually raises a lot of worry in myself. It makes it pretty tough to tell if her tone is mad at me or just uninterested.
It seems like you're kinda putting her up on a pedastal and she knows it and takes you for granted. For example, a BBQ is a social event where it is completely normal and easy to bring a BF/GF along, it's kinda weird that she wouldn't want to bring you.
Girls can sense low self esteem from a mile away. It sounds like you need to work on your self esteem issues first. Think about it, you can't expect someone else to think highly of you when you don't think highly of yourself.
Confront her directly if you must, but I don't think it will go well.
GL though, don't worry we've all been where you are man. I'll let the girl blog gosus take over from here
|
10 simple steps to handle it like an adult:
1. State you want to talk about something that's been bothering you.
2. Choose an appropriate setting to talk where you cannot be interrupted or distracted by others.
3. State your feelings for her.
4. State what's been bothering you.
5. Give concrete examples and explain your interpretations of the events as they happened.
6. Listen to what she has to say about it with an open mind. (remember most fights and unhappiness in relationship comes from miscommunication and misunderstanding)
7. Restate her interpretation in your own words to make sure you understand what she said (if you are wrong, repeat the last two steps til you are right).
8. Tell her how you are hoping to fix the problem.
9. Repeat steps 6 and 7.
10. Profit??? (mutual agreement on a resolution)
|
The nicer & needier you are the worse you will be treated by women.
Fact of life.
|
On July 31 2011 16:05 MrBitter wrote:
Give her some space.
Chicks hate clingy, needy guys.
If its meant to be, backing off a little bit will fire her up a little, and make her all the more eager to spend time with you.
If not, fuck it. Move on.
I agree with this assessment.
|
On July 31 2011 16:05 MrBitter wrote:
Give her some space.
Chicks hate clingy, needy guys.
If its meant to be, backing off a little bit will fire her up a little, and make her all the more eager to spend time with you.
If not, fuck it. Move on.
Best advice. Also, don't get too sucked up into pleasing her, make sure you're staying un-stressed and feeling good, so you get rid of any clingy, needy feelings. Love is bit of a mind game ^-^
|
On July 31 2011 16:34 RedJustice wrote:
10 simple steps to handle it like an adult:
1. State you want to talk about something that's been bothering you.
2. Choose an appropriate setting to talk where you cannot be interrupted or distracted by others.
3. State your feelings for her.
4. State what's been bothering you.
5. Give concrete examples and explain your interpretations of the events as they happened.
6. Listen to what she has to say about it with an open mind. (remember most fights and unhappiness in relationship comes from miscommunication and misunderstanding)
7. Restate her interpretation in your own words to make sure you understand what she said (if you are wrong, repeat the last two steps til you are right).
8. Tell her how you are hoping to fix the problem.
9. Repeat steps 6 and 7.
10. Profit??? (mutual agreement on a resolution)
I'm sorry but when dealing with girls this is terrible advice and will only get you dumped or housebroken. When women are in charge of a relationship, as is the case with OP, the only possible way to fix it or swing the tide in your favor is to ignore them and act independent and carefree until they show some interest.
Stating your (obvious) feelings when you are the underdog = being needy = being uninteresting.
|
|
|
yeah it does sound like shes not as into you as she could be
i would reflect on yourself (the way you act) a bit and try to be more masculine in general
for starters, when she does something you dont like (ANYTHING) you need to express that , quite loudly and very clearly. she will appreciate that you done that whether she liked it or not. she absolutely wants a man expressing his negative feelings and not holding back, intead of being wishy-washy and non-confrontational and letting her walk over him. (something which women tend to do and do it proudly - you just gotta accept that haha)
its better to have an arguement and come to some sort of conclusion and clear the air , than to just mouse around the issue when you're clearly uncomfortable with it.
better for you, and better for her opinion of you (oh he manned up and said what i thought he'd been thinking - thats a start!)
source - told this by a woman last night coz i have that conflict-avoiding issue myself
|
On July 31 2011 16:29 EvilTeletubby wrote:Show nested quote +On July 31 2011 16:05 MrBitter wrote:
Give her some space.
Chicks hate clingy, needy guys.
If its meant to be, backing off a little bit will fire her up a little, and make her all the more eager to spend time with you.
If not, fuck it. Move on. Just to reinforce, this is the only good advice that has been given so far.
Seconded.
OP: you are "undervalued" because you have put yourself in a position where your value is lower.
|
On July 31 2011 17:57 Kickboxer wrote:Show nested quote +On July 31 2011 16:34 RedJustice wrote:
10 simple steps to handle it like an adult:
1. State you want to talk about something that's been bothering you.
2. Choose an appropriate setting to talk where you cannot be interrupted or distracted by others.
3. State your feelings for her.
4. State what's been bothering you.
5. Give concrete examples and explain your interpretations of the events as they happened.
6. Listen to what she has to say about it with an open mind. (remember most fights and unhappiness in relationship comes from miscommunication and misunderstanding)
7. Restate her interpretation in your own words to make sure you understand what she said (if you are wrong, repeat the last two steps til you are right).
8. Tell her how you are hoping to fix the problem.
9. Repeat steps 6 and 7.
10. Profit??? (mutual agreement on a resolution)
I'm sorry but when dealing with girls this is terrible advice and will only get you dumped or housebroken. When women are in charge of a relationship, as is the case with OP, the only possible way to fix it or swing the tide in your favor is to ignore them and act independent and carefree until they show some interest. Stating your (obvious) feelings when you are the underdog = being needy = being uninteresting.
Yeah I agree. Redjustice gave you good advice for handling a disagreement with a coworker. Usually doesn't work too well in the situation you are in though.
|
On July 31 2011 16:29 EvilTeletubby wrote:Show nested quote +On July 31 2011 16:05 MrBitter wrote:
Give her some space.
Chicks hate clingy, needy guys.
If its meant to be, backing off a little bit will fire her up a little, and make her all the more eager to spend time with you.
If not, fuck it. Move on. Just to reinforce, this is the only good advice that has been given so far.
Once upon a time I took that advice and ended up getting cheated on. If someones disrespecting you backing off in my experience will make things worse. I'd do what RedJustice said.
(And on that note)
On July 31 2011 17:57 Kickboxer wrote:Show nested quote +On July 31 2011 16:34 RedJustice wrote:
10 simple steps to handle it like an adult:
1. State you want to talk about something that's been bothering you.
2. Choose an appropriate setting to talk where you cannot be interrupted or distracted by others.
3. State your feelings for her.
4. State what's been bothering you.
5. Give concrete examples and explain your interpretations of the events as they happened.
6. Listen to what she has to say about it with an open mind. (remember most fights and unhappiness in relationship comes from miscommunication and misunderstanding)
7. Restate her interpretation in your own words to make sure you understand what she said (if you are wrong, repeat the last two steps til you are right).
8. Tell her how you are hoping to fix the problem.
9. Repeat steps 6 and 7.
10. Profit??? (mutual agreement on a resolution)
I'm sorry but when dealing with girls this is terrible advice and will only get you dumped or housebroken. When women are in charge of a relationship, as is the case with OP, the only possible way to fix it or swing the tide in your favor is to ignore them and act independent and carefree until they show some interest. Stating your (obvious) feelings when you are the underdog = being needy = being uninteresting.
Housebroken? lol. I dig women that take charge and I'm not whipped. Don't give frat house advice bro. + Show Spoiler +
|
On July 31 2011 15:40 Temporarykid wrote:Hey TL, I asked all of my friends and it seems nobody has an answer for me on what to do here. Im new to blogging, but I hope you can help! So im in a relationship with a beautiful girl who ive known for 4 years now,together only the past 6 months. Now Im happy, don't get me wrong, but there's something that bothers me enough to wonder if this relationship is worth continuing. Every time I talk to her I end up feeling mad because im undervalued and underappreciated. She'd rather go to a bbq with her friends than to a midnight firework show with me, to name one example. I honestly feel like im putting my best foot forward; Im doing for her the best I can but its almost like she isn't as committed as I am. Clearly, my efforts aren't being noticed and are almost being taken for granted. Now my question TL, is, How do I fix my situation without breaking up with her- is a direct confrontation the only way? Also, am I over reacting? Is this relationship even worth continuing.. Can I change the way I feel about how she treats me? And lastly; is it worth it to be serious about this girl even though we've only been together for 6 months? Thanks for your help, please no trolls!
I've been in a similar situation. I'm not gonna explain exactly what my situation was like, but I can give you some advice. The way I see it you have two options here:
- Lower your expectations of her commitment to the relationship
This is hard when you're in love, but it is the only way you will be happy together in the long run. If you expect full commitment and you don't get it, you will be unhappy. Just mind your own business, call her when you like to get together, if not then continue your own business. Don't put too much weight on the relationship. Look at it as a fun passtime, not a full-time job.
- Break up
If you can't be happy without her full commitment, break up. It's VERY hard to break up with a girl you still love, but you will be so much happier when you do. Believe me. I've been in a relationship for 4 years, and looking back I wish I had ended it after a year.
I wish you the best of luck. Relationships are hard.
|
|
|
On July 31 2011 16:05 MrBitter wrote:
Give her some space.
Chicks hate clingy, needy guys.
If its meant to be, backing off a little bit will fire her up a little, and make her all the more eager to spend time with you.
If not, fuck it. Move on.
I think you could spend lots of time thinking it through. But at the end of the day, it could be this simple.
|
I'm sorry, but you're the one who needs to "get out" (your words, not mine). Nobody is saying to act like an aloof "jerk jock" or anything like that. It's a simple fact of human nature that people tend to take for granted what they have in front of them and if you're always the one coming to her then she's taking you for granted. There doesn't need to be 50/50 balance, but she needs to be coming to you at least part of the time. At least 40% is healthy, IMO, and usually the dynamic favors men, so more like 60-70% would be considered ideal, lower down to 50-60% if she's particularly strong willed. (For the record: strong willed and bitchy are totally different but often confused -- standing up to "authority" does not necessarily make you strong willed. For example, a girl who gets pulled over by the cops and then argues has not proven she has a strong will; it may be that she takes the officer for granted and/or thinks very little of him.)
If you're going to your girl all the time and she's not recipricating then there is a problem that a simple conversation will not fix. Couldn't she have invited him to the BBQ? Couldn't she propose an alternative date for going out together?
Leave her be for a few days. Find something to do. Don't pretend to find something to do (which amounts to a childish tantrum of sorts, the same as a kid excluding himself from recess because his feelings are hurt), actually FIND something to do (serves multiple purposes: opens up the space for her to either realize she cares or decide she doesn't + gives you a breather, after which you can think more rationally about what's going on). If she's interested she should call within 2-3 days. If she takes longer then your relationship is totally on the rocks. If she cheats after only 2-3 days, then she would have cheated anyway and you need to move on. I do not understand this submissive mentality. It's a sure-fire way to get cuckolded.
|
it's only been six months dude, chill she's got more than just you she has to take care of. welcome to adulthood
|
How often do you see her aside from these special events?
|
don't talk to her about it, it sounds like something you would want to talk to her about, but don't - that's a trap
some of the simplest rules of the game is that the person who cares the least about the relationship is the one in control (don't misunderstand this, you don't want her to think you don't care.. just that she cares more, and she will)
take a step back, give her room, go spend time with your friends.. if you don't have friends, go spend time alone and if she asks, tell her that you're with your friends (but only if she asks, don't volunteer it)
do NOT be clingy - that's what you are doing right now. people say that nice guys finish last. it's because nice guys are clingy and not willing to play the game. bitches hate clingy guys
listen to what the guy ETT quoted said and just back off, find something else to do, and have HER asking for YOUR time
remember this for the rest of your life, you will ALWAYS need this
|
Just stop giving it your all, stop putting her above everything and start putting yourself first.
It seems like thats what she is doing. You have made her your #1 priority while she is still her #1 priority. You're trying really hard to be the best boyfriend you can be but she is not returning the favor. Stop now or you will become emotionally drained and start to resent her.
When I say stop - i mean stop putting her first all the time - stay with her, continue loving her, just give her some space, go hang out with your friends and turn things down a notch... Maybe in a years time she'll be choosing you over her friends.
|
Sounds like you got together when she was pretty young eh?
|
Definitely talk about it tho
|
On July 31 2011 21:47 Khenra wrote:
- Break up
If you can't be happy without her full commitment, break up. It's VERY hard to break up with a girl you still love, but you will be so much happier when you do. Believe me. I've been in a relationship for 4 years, and looking back I wish I had ended it after a year.
I wish you the best of luck. Relationships are hard.
That sounds brutal, sorry to hear it.
On July 31 2011 23:50 StorkHwaiting wrote:
How often do you see her aside from these special events?
Well hardly, actually. Aside from me suggesting we should see each other she doesn't make an effort to and about half of the time she declines my offer(s).
To everyone else who says I should be less clingy, thank you- I think that's the clear choice to what I should do.
I should have also taken the time to explain my example more; I had asked her days before if she would go to the fireworks with me and she had said "Okay." (Like that, with hardly any emphasis.)
So morning-of I ask my girlfriend when and where I should pick her up, and she surprises me with her change of plans to say she'd rather go to this barbecue with her friends.
Thank you all, again. ^^
|
Oh wow, yeah, if you guys aren't seeing each other much and she's turning u down as her BF, def a problem. Everyone is right. Don't be clingy. And def start talking to other girls. Not to cheat, but just to get back in the game and remember what it's like to get proper attention. She needs to know you can't be taken for granted and you're not married.
|
|
|
|
|
|
EPT
