I'm not looking for advice or anything, I just feel awful and I need a place to vent (sorry).
I just finished watching My So-Called Life for the second time. It is a teen drama from the mid 90s about a girl named Angela Chase (Claire Danes). It was a pretty unique take on teenage life at the time it came out, and it surprisingly holds up over the years. The music is cheesy, some of the cinematography is amateurish (nauseating in one scene), and there is one really cheesy "very special" Christmas episode that can make you roll your eyes. But the rest of it is beautiful.
The show is only 19 episodes long, and I had seen it once before. I watched it with my now ex-girlfriend a few years ago, and at the time I cannot say I really enjoyed it. I remember thinking it was cheesy, and I remember being annoyed at the way Angela and her friends would speak. Her voice-over is this pseudo-intellectual mumbo-jumbo that to my mind just makes her seem a little stupider. I remember by the end being surprised at how good it was, but I still didn't really appreciate it, probably because my girlfriend had recommended it. It's not that I didn't think she had good taste, but I was wary of anything she liked that starred a teenage girl.
Watching it now, I still got a similar impression at the beginning of her voice over thoughts. It isn't that she is stupid or unobservant, but rather that she is so ineloquent I have a hard time taking her seriously sometimes. At least I thought that at the beginning. Over time, I cannot say I can figure out how intelligent the character is, but I fell in love with her anyway.
It is some combination of Claire Danes's acting, and some combination of my memories of my ex, but I just fell in love with Angela Chase. The way she touches her hair, the way she stares with her big green/blue eyes, the way her head cocks to the side a little when shes thinking. I don't know, but I just couldn't help wanting to be with this girl. And the fact that she isn't real have just made me want to be with my ex even more.
That's not exactly right. It's not that the fantasy has caused me to want to be with my ex, it's that watching the show I just see my ex where Angela is, and I see all the ways I hurt her, again and again and again. And I want to reach out and make it all better, but I can't because I fucked it up in real life.
I don't know, I'm not making sense. Let's just say that watching the show has just put this incredible pit in my stomach. I want to cry, but I can't remember the last time I cried. I want to break something, but my family is asleep and I don't want to wake them being a selfish asshole. I just feel utterly useless, without a place to expend these emotions, and I can't stop thinking about my ex, about this stupid girl that I fell in love with. And I keep on listening to this song:
And just listening to her voice tears me up inside. The song isn't even that sad, but the way she sings those words just breaks my heart. I get shivers listening to it. My body literally shivers from emotion.
I mean I realize that this happens because it's nighttime and I happen to get especially maudlin and introspective at night, but it doesn't make it any less true. I don't even know what is just as true as night specifically, but this terrible way I'm feeling is what it is. I just don't have words to describe it.
This was ridiculously rambling. My So-Called Life is a good show though. If anyone is looking for a show with teen angst, and real characters with real flaws then I would recommend it. If you happen to be a teenager (I'm not anymore unfortunately), then I especially recommend it. It has very little in common with shows like Dawson's Creek or the OC, or whatever the teen shows of today are.
I don't know. Thanks for letting me vent. I can't express myself at the moment.
Maybe the word nostalgia is similar. Per Wiki: "The word is a learned formation of a Greek compound, consisting of νόστος (nóstos), meaning "returning home", a Homeric word, and ἄλγος (álgos), meaning "pain, ache"."
At a certain point in my life, my ex was basically my home. So my nostalgia is the pain of home that I feel when I think of her.
EDIT: By the way, I am not depressed. I just had a rough night. This is something that happens every once in a while, but it doesn't prevent me from meeting new people, or going out with girls. Yes, I'm not over my ex completely, but that doesn't mean I haven't been doing nothing about it. I appreciate that you guys are trying to make me feel better, but it is a little difficult when you don't have all the information.
.....Alright, so I pretty much said up front that I was just going to vent. Was a 1 star really necessary? I shouldn't care, but it feels a little malicious. A guy spills his heart out to random strangers, and he's told "you heart spilling was kinda shitty. Try again." >_<.
This isn't meant to be offensive but from what I read, it sounds like you weren't able to get it in with your ex. But yeah, I've been there...and don't worry. Just get with another chick that'll make you forget her. Unless you're one of those naive teens who thinks that she was the one or something ???
On July 04 2011 16:22 kalany wrote: This isn't meant to be offensive but from what I read, it sounds like you weren't able to get it in with your ex. But yeah, I've been there...and don't worry. Just get with another chick that'll make you forget her. Unless you're one of those naive teens who thinks that she was the one or something ???
On July 04 2011 16:27 kalany wrote: haha....you just proved my point :D No worries, the day you understand that lingo for yourself is the day you probably you get over your ex.
If you are talking about sex, then yes we had sex. We went out for a year and a half, and we broke up two years ago.
Frankly, I don't appreciate your condescending tone. It is offensive. "Lingo" is different depending on where you live. And no, I am not some "naive teen" who thinks she was the one. But I did love her, and still do. And my experiences do not necessarily translate to yours. Just because you may have found it easy to get over someone by sleeping with someone else, does not mean I can do the same.
Sorry if I am being aggressive, but I don't appreciate the assumptions you made about me.
hm....haha I don't know. I just hit it and quit it to tell you the truth. I'm not the best person to take advice from when it comes to relationships. It seems that we have very different philosophical schools of thought though.
On July 04 2011 16:31 Bereft wrote: heh. maybe you might find this speaks to you: + Show Spoiler +
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ORBnAy1DgcA
Sorry, not particularly. I listen to the song really loud and let the emotion of Florence drown my thoughts away. Half the time I listen to it with eyes closed; the dance does nothing for me really.
Oh god, so young and emotional. If you feel "useless" without your ex/a girl then you're not ready for a serious relationship.
Stop being so emotional, it's not healthy. Seriously. Stop crying, stop feeling sorry and useless for yourself and go out and get better.
If you want her back, show her that you're happy and that you've matured ( it will take time) and she'll come back to you. Nobody likes an emotional teen with his head hung low. Harsh advice, but life's a bitch and crying isn't going to get you through it.
It's funny to see a guy trying to tell you to grow up whilst still making semi-brags about the fact he's had sex and thought you hadn't, hahaha.
I gave you a 5, nothing wrong with being emotional or expressing it. I've been in a relationship for 2 years and I still think about my ex sometimes...
You know what you need to do? Meditate. On the woes of the world, and why things didn't work out? Naaah. On what you plan to do with your life besides chasing fleeting whisps of fantasy. Sit down, cross your legs, and breath in and out for one hour and concentrate only on your breathing. And then reflect.
Your ex is not your home. And in fact if you really want to have good relationships with others you need to make sure that their lives are seperate from yours and that you get some free time. But that is besides the point. Sit down and breathe, and then order your mind. Breathe out all the silly crap, the woes, the emotions, and the chunks of shit that are bound to be left over in your brain. And make an ordered list (almost a ladder) of what you want to accomplish. Only you, and only your goals.
And if that doesn't help you then you already know what you want.
I know you said not to give advice, but seriously not enough people meditate these days.
One gets a pretty good high off getting super depressed. Listening to emotional music on repeat, dwelling on what happened years ago, focusing on painful memories for hours, overwhelming oneself with feelings of regret and loss. Anyone can do this at any time. I recommend you stop doing it being depressed is bumming you out.
On July 04 2011 16:27 kalany wrote: haha....you just proved my point :D No worries, the day you understand that lingo for yourself is the day you probably you get over your ex.
You need to learn how to read the original post before posting yourself.
Whatever. I feel the pain of my ex-girlfriend daily but at least I don't let it get me down. However much you thought you hurt her she probably would have hurt you worse in time. You just hadn't gotten there yet because you had a SHORT RELATIONSHIP.
I dunno, I watch Glee for the comedy but that's about it. All I know is that every character in these shows bangs every just about other character (Puck, Brittany, Santana, Ricky, Adrian) and the noble-ish characters get royally screwed for their troubles (Finn, Ben). At least in the OC Ryan and Seth got retribution whenever they got screwed over, mostly by manning up. Now the 'heroes' just take it in the ass.
By the way, I am not depressed. I just had a rough night. This is something that happens every once in a while, but it doesn't prevent me from meeting new people, or going out with girls. Yes, I'm not over my ex completely, but that doesn't mean I haven't been doing nothing about it. I appreciate that you guys are trying to make me feel better, but it is a little difficult when you don't have all the information.
On July 04 2011 18:12 Abductedonut wrote: Oh god, so young and emotional. If you feel "useless" without your ex/a girl then you're not ready for a serious relationship.
Stop being so emotional, it's not healthy. Seriously. Stop crying, stop feeling sorry and useless for yourself and go out and get better.
If you want her back, show her that you're happy and that you've matured ( it will take time) and she'll come back to you. Nobody likes an emotional teen with his head hung low. Harsh advice, but life's a bitch and crying isn't going to get you through it.
I felt useless, not because I wasn't with my ex, but because I had no outlet to express my emotions. I wasn't crying, that was my point. I was really making very little outward expression of my emotions, but I was feeling pain on the inside.
I also never said I wanted her back. I'm not really sure if I do or not, since our relationship was complicated, and at this point we are probably different people from when we dated. It's not like I went around crying to my ex to take me back, I just wrote a post venting on teamliquid.
On July 04 2011 20:00 [5th]Sybaris wrote: You know what you need to do? Meditate. On the woes of the world, and why things didn't work out? Naaah. On what you plan to do with your life besides chasing fleeting whisps of fantasy. Sit down, cross your legs, and breath in and out for one hour and concentrate only on your breathing. And then reflect.
Your ex is not your home. And in fact if you really want to have good relationships with others you need to make sure that their lives are seperate from yours and that you get some free time. But that is besides the point. Sit down and breathe, and then order your mind. Breathe out all the silly crap, the woes, the emotions, and the chunks of shit that are bound to be left over in your brain. And make an ordered list (almost a ladder) of what you want to accomplish. Only you, and only your goals.
And if that doesn't help you then you already know what you want.
I know you said not to give advice, but seriously not enough people meditate these days.
Haha, meditate? I don't think I can do that. That involves not thinking, and I am terrible at that. But I actually have pretty good ideas about what I want to accomplish, that isn't my problem.
As for my ex being my home? At this point obviously she isn't. That is why I said "at a certain point in my life". I was closer with her than I ever was with my family, so I don't find it too ridiculous to say that she was my home at the time. A home is just a place where you feel safe, and I felt safe with her. Why is that not a good basis for a relationship?
On July 04 2011 22:17 TheGiz wrote: Whatever. I feel the pain of my ex-girlfriend daily but at least I don't let it get me down. However much you thought you hurt her she probably would have hurt you worse in time. You just hadn't gotten there yet because you had a SHORT RELATIONSHIP.
Maybe. Maybe she would have hurt me worse. Maybe we would have broken up anyway within another year. All of that is possible. But since I was the one who happened to fuck up, the guilt doesn't just go away.
EPT
