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Life - What?

Blogs > OutlaW-
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OutlaW-
Profile Blog Joined July 2010
Czech Republic5053 Posts
Last Edited: 2011-06-26 02:42:10
June 26 2011 00:17 GMT
#1
As I am writing this, it is 1:32 in the morning. For any of you not interested in reading a story about someone being lost, skip.
+ Show Spoiler [Quite long..] +

Tomorrow, me and my class are going to a class trip. We're going to be there for 3 days, chilling, smoking, having fun, yet I can't force myself to look forward to it?
Let's start at the beginning. I'm 16 years old, currently finishing my first year in high school. I speak english, czech, german. I have a lot of friends, I'm a fucking god at league of legends, masters at sc2, A-B grades without ever learning.

This sounds like a brag post, I'll now, however, try to convince you that that's otherwise.
A year ago, I was a happy, bright kid. I was completely hooked and had a crush on this girl, but alas, i was friend zoned, and i was too young/immature to do anything about it, even if it meant rejecting, I wasn't man enough to get to anything. But I was happy, I was enjoying life, little things, everytime she talked to me I'd feel great. She ended up leaving and I felt really hurt. I won't go into details, but I was a fucking kid. That was the 9th year of school, a year that I'm jealous of, thinking back at it now.

What happened between now and then? Why the fuck am i writing this?
I was just so tired of being the happy, nice and genuine kid who got hurt and picked at by the more ignorant guys, so I decided I wanted to become one as well.
Right now, I feel so lost and dead. I feel no emotion, partly because of how hurt I felt. I decided I didn't want to be psychically be hurt ever again, so I discarded all emotion in that regard. I fuck up at something and people laugh at me? I don't feel anything. I do something and people tell me good job, meaning it really genuinely? I don't feel anything. I discarded all outside emotion for fear of ever being that hurt again. It was one of the biggest mistakes of my life, but definitely not the only one.

There are more reasons why I'm the way I am.
You see, I never actually worked at something. When I was in ground school, I was smart enough never to do anything at home to get straight As. My parents never forced me to do anything, they just believed that I was smart enough to realize everything myself. And partly, they were right, I realize everything. I realize I need to work, I realize I can't discard emotion, I realize I'm a fucking failure of life who is wasting time the entire day without achieving anything, I realize I have so many possibilities to make my life better with all the time I have, but what do I fucking do? I turn on the PC and play league of legends and watch anime the entire fucking day. When my dad confronts me with this, we end up fighting because I don't want to agree to all these facts.

It really makes me wonder about the difference about knowing and knowing.
Anyway, where was I. Yes, I was explaining why I was a failure. I'm pretty fat(100 kg at 193~ cm), I play video games the entire day despite realizing that it's slowly killing me and wasting my time that I could use(learning how to program, how to hack, how to play the guitar, piano, learning japanese/korean, doing sports to fuck bitches the whole day, there are so many possibilities open that I can't even count them all) Yet here I am, reading team liquid hours before something I should be looking forward to, but I really am not.
Now you know that I refuse outside emotion of fear of feeling hurt, that I waste my time and that I want to kill myself for it, yet I never do anything about it.
The second part has some roots in the first problem, but we still didn't get nearly close enough to analyzing everything that's wrong with me. This is also becoming a really long, chaotic read, so please bear with me.

I know that I just wasted your time with talking about how I reject outside emotion, but to be entirely honest, over the last year, I have lost complete emotion. I never feel accomplished(and this is a big part of why I'm the failure I am), I never feel satisfied, I never feel productive, I never feel bad, either, but as I found out, that's not worth the down sides. Last year ago, I was 15, and I wanted to become really good at the one thing I've been doing my entire life - gaming. I wanted to be professional in starcraft, and I had all the things I needed. I never played any rts before(outside of aoe2), and I got into diamond right away. Whoa! You must not be serious! I also got to masters right away, and no, I never cheesed. But isn't that awesome? Isn't that fucking great, filip, isn't that something to be proud of? Yes, yes it is. But I didn't care. My mindset for everything is that I'm either good, and that's expected, so I don't really feel anything special about it, or I'm bad, and I hate myself for being bad, just trying to fix it without really thinking about it. And when I do achieve something, I either don't even notice or just don't feel anything again. It's a bloody circle that I can't escape. Where was i, oh, yeah, I started playing less and less as I got increasingly frustrated of never exiting high masters and getting into grandmaster. I didn't have any motivation whatsoever(as with anything), and even the fact that I was good didn't help at all.

I ended up failing again, and resorted to watching anime and playing league of legends the entire day again. Why the hell am I so dumb? Why can't I just force myself to work and do something, so that at least one part of my life becomes meaningful? Because I know that in the state I'm at, I wouldn't feel anything again. An excuse. I've been trying to live my life without resorting to any excuses, but look at what became of it. I was overwhelmed by the amount of fail and information that I had to process that I became an abomination like this. I just want to feel that warm sensation of being proud of myself. I need to crack this shell that's stopping me from ever being something. I always thought that later, in my life, I'd be smart enough to do good in whatever situation I was thrown in and didn't think about it too much, and here I am, at the complete bottom of my life. I would say maybe 2% of people who started reading this got here, and I'm really, really slow at climaxing, so I apologize. If you've read this far, you might as well know everything. I want to change, really bad, and I have 3 ways how I can start. The first one is that I'll start to completely reset my personality and think about every little decision my brain has to make, and lie to myself about being a new, awesome person, which would hopefully make me the innocent, naive and vulnerable little girl I was, or just help me in achieving the feeling of achievement. Or, I could just start using excuses, and try to work through one part of my life, eventually becoming good at the others, too.(1 - starcraft 2, 2 - school and grades, 3 - doing sports and fucking bitches), Three, I ask my father to remove my memory cards, and force myself to either sit on my bed doing nothing or forcing myself to do something with the time that I'm not wasting on anime, lol, or tl.

After writing this monster that has no beginning, no middle, no end, and no chronology or order whatsoever, all I know is one thing. I won't do anything and I'll stay exactly the way I am. And even though I should feel sad, I really don't. I don't care. About anything. I'm sorry for having you read this, if you did. I salute you. It is now 2:16, and I'm 4 hours before having to wake up for my trip. And do you know what I'm going to do? Play league of legends. Tomorrow, I will probably have forgotten about this post, and will resort to being my old, useless, fucking piece of shit of a person. Again, I feel nothing.
reward :


Delete your post underage b&. You're incestuous for you're onee-chan so you're clearly not a bad guy, but others might not agree
mishimaBeef
Profile Blog Joined January 2010
Canada2259 Posts
June 26 2011 00:44 GMT
#2
Hmm i've been a low one at one point too. went from GREAT student in grade 5 to 3 years out of high school addicted to marijuana puking in a motel room toilet after quitting my job and dumping thousands into food and drugs... turned it all around and am one of the top students at my university...

have hope brother... but know that only you will be able to guide yourself through the path... and have the delight in knowing that on your trek you will inspire others
Dare to live the life you have dreamed for yourself. Go forward and make your dreams come true. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Carapace
Profile Blog Joined March 2011
Netherlands128 Posts
June 26 2011 01:05 GMT
#3
I`m nearly the same as you, It started with ignoring emotions, until i totally discarded them. So i never feel bad or happy. I did this when i was 8 and i`m also 16 now. I`ve become a total addict to computers and the internet. Failing school etc etc.

But since you don`t know the feeling of failure you won`t fear failing, That is a BIG plus. Since it WILL affect everything you do. because you don`t fear there is no stress. So you`ll take the time to do it. Atleast i do, rushing means working harders means i get exhausted faster. When i get losing streaks in SC2 and i dont want that.

But also i wanted to change, and failed.

This doesn`t mean because i can`t you can`t.

Goodluck!

unichan
Profile Blog Joined March 2011
United States4223 Posts
June 26 2011 02:15 GMT
#4
oh
i read halfway through then came back and it was gone
:)
OutlaW-
Profile Blog Joined July 2010
Czech Republic5053 Posts
June 26 2011 02:17 GMT
#5
, people werent interested, which i dont blame them for, so i took it down in case someone i know reads it, but i can pm it to anyone interested
Delete your post underage b&. You're incestuous for you're onee-chan so you're clearly not a bad guy, but others might not agree
OutlaW-
Profile Blog Joined July 2010
Czech Republic5053 Posts
June 26 2011 02:42 GMT
#6
whatever, its back now -.- im going to bed
Delete your post underage b&. You're incestuous for you're onee-chan so you're clearly not a bad guy, but others might not agree
br34ch
Profile Joined June 2011
Germany12 Posts
June 26 2011 18:58 GMT
#7
That is so normal... I know so many kids your age having such a phase. It gets way better in time. Girls/Guys are not everything. The relationship always comes in time.
You just lack self confidence, because you don't love yourself enough (sounds stupid, but I don't care). You can't love someone else if you don't love yourself and also you have to start living for yourself and not for the acknowledgement/love of others. Hard lesson, so learn it!
Sotamursu
Profile Joined June 2010
Finland612 Posts
June 26 2011 23:14 GMT
#8
Your problem isn't really wasting your time on games and I don't think your apathy comes from not doing anything productive. Sure, you could use all your time to learn all those cool skills, but would learning them really change your life for the better?

Everyone thinks that they have to achieve something great or else they're complete failures in life. When you think like that, the pressure to do something all the time is gigantic. You can't motivate yourself to work, because you probably fear realising that you can't actually achieve something great. It's easy to just play into high masters and then think ''Oh I could get into grandmasters if I put some work into it, but I just cba''. Everyone does that at some point.

You have to try and change thinking that every time you achieve something good, it's the least of what was expected of you. You need to just chill and stop worrying about your future so much. You have a lot of time until you really have to worry about anything serious. Live one day at a time, it's summer after all.

I know a lot of what I just wrote sounds like bullshit, but I've gone through pretty much the exact same thing as you have and I've sort of gotten over it as time passed. I just started taking things less seriously and began to enjoy the simple things. Like just going for a walk when it's a nice day outside. That doesn't mean be happy 24/7 as that'll just eventually make you depressed when something bad happens, like what happened to you.

As for the motivation, I started working with passion in college. Studying something your truly interested in is a great feeling and I'm sure you'll find new interests, meet new girls and start enjoying life in the future. Self loathing just takes too much energy.

CecilSunkure
Profile Blog Joined May 2010
United States2829 Posts
Last Edited: 2011-06-29 22:04:38
June 29 2011 21:58 GMT
#9
If you want something, do it. Once you do it and achieve it it's possible to then gain additional motivation to achieve something else. Don't care so much about what other people think! This whole "hiding emotions" idea you have is just a veil to say that you are self-conscious about what other people think of you. If you really had confidence then you wouldn't feel a need to hide from your feelings. I used to be the same way as you, exact same way (except I was suuuper skinny instead of obese). So step one: stop thinking about what other people are thinking. Work on this! You don't need the approval of people around you to validate your worth!

Great example: you think you are fat. Go jogging for 10 minutes and return home. Your legs will be sore, and your throat/lungs will hurt when you run. You'll likely have a buildup of acid in your system due to a lack of oxygen, which is a healthy process you'll go through when you start jogging, but it will make you feel sick for a short time after running. Jog for 10 minutes 3 days a week for 2 weeks. Each time you go jogging it will be easier and you'll feel better after the jog. This means you can now jog for 15 minutes 3 days a week the next week.

You're never going to get anywhere if you don't know what you want. Once you know what you want you can take small steps toward achieving your goal, which are in fact goals on achieving a goal. Saying "I want to be a professional player" is an impossible task to complete all in one gulp. Saying "I want to practice x for a week until it becomes muscle memory" is a task that is reasonable and realistic. Find out what you want to do, create realistic steps to achieve the goal, and then achieve each step one at time. I suggest you start with jogging!

I expect to see a blog about jogging from you shortly.
OutlaW-
Profile Blog Joined July 2010
Czech Republic5053 Posts
June 29 2011 22:04 GMT
#10
i guess im just going to blindly follow a goal that i set as reasonable, i kinda feared that because i didnt want to act blindly.. i also didnt want to hind behind any excuses, but thats kinda impossible i guess
thanks, ill try to do that first, we'll see how my character changes!
Delete your post underage b&. You're incestuous for you're onee-chan so you're clearly not a bad guy, but others might not agree
CecilSunkure
Profile Blog Joined May 2010
United States2829 Posts
June 29 2011 22:07 GMT
#11
On June 30 2011 07:04 OutlaW- wrote:
i guess im just going to blindly follow a goal that i set as reasonable, i kinda feared that because i didnt want to act blindly.. i also didnt want to hind behind any excuses, but thats kinda impossible i guess
thanks, ill try to do that first, we'll see how my character changes!

I don't know what you mean by "blindly follow a goal that I set as reasonable". Are you saying you don't know if a goal is reasonable or not?
OutlaW-
Profile Blog Joined July 2010
Czech Republic5053 Posts
Last Edited: 2011-06-29 22:40:10
June 29 2011 22:27 GMT
#12
On June 30 2011 07:07 CecilSunkure wrote:
Show nested quote +
On June 30 2011 07:04 OutlaW- wrote:
i guess im just going to blindly follow a goal that i set as reasonable, i kinda feared that because i didnt want to act blindly.. i also didnt want to hind behind any excuses, but thats kinda impossible i guess
thanks, ill try to do that first, we'll see how my character changes!

I don't know what you mean by "blindly follow a goal that I set as reasonable". Are you saying you don't know if a goal is reasonable or not?

The most focus being put on the world blindly, i need a goal, its kinda similiar to starcraft, and a reasonable goal would be to gradually get into running, i didnt want to do anything blindly for fear of becoming someone i didnt want to/not having control of who im becoming, but that didnt work out. i guess ill start with starting to improve myself physically
Delete your post underage b&. You're incestuous for you're onee-chan so you're clearly not a bad guy, but others might not agree
Xxio
Profile Blog Joined July 2009
Canada5565 Posts
June 29 2011 23:01 GMT
#13
There is never anything that you should be doing. You are always doing exactly what you want to be doing, no matter what. It might be that you are confusing social and/or familial standards with your own, and thus, creating discontent.
KTY
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