• Log InLog In
  • Register
Liquid`
Team Liquid Liquipedia
EDT 23:20
CEST 05:20
KST 12:20
  • Home
  • Forum
  • Calendar
  • Streams
  • Liquipedia
  • Features
  • Store
  • EPT
  • TL+
  • StarCraft 2
  • Brood War
  • Smash
  • Heroes
  • Counter-Strike
  • Overwatch
  • Liquibet
  • Fantasy StarCraft
  • TLPD
  • StarCraft 2
  • Brood War
  • Blogs
Forum Sidebar
Events/Features
News
Featured News
Team TLMC #5 - Finalists & Open Tournaments1[ASL20] Ro16 Preview Pt2: Turbulence10Classic Games #3: Rogue vs Serral at BlizzCon9[ASL20] Ro16 Preview Pt1: Ascent10Maestros of the Game: Week 1/Play-in Preview12
Community News
StarCraft II 5.0.15 PTR Patch Notes134BSL 2025 Warsaw LAN + Legends Showmatch2Weekly Cups (Sept 8-14): herO & MaxPax split cups4WardiTV TL Team Map Contest #5 Tournaments1SC4ALL $6,000 Open LAN in Philadelphia8
StarCraft 2
General
StarCraft II 5.0.15 PTR Patch Notes #1: Maru - Greatest Players of All Time Team TLMC #5 - Finalists & Open Tournaments Team Liquid Map Contest #21 - Presented by Monster Energy Weekly Cups (Sept 1-7): MaxPax rebounds & Clem saga continues
Tourneys
Stellar Fest KSL Week 80 StarCraft Evolution League (SC Evo Biweekly) RSL: Revival, a new crowdfunded tournament series SC2's Safe House 2 - October 18 & 19
Strategy
Custom Maps
External Content
Mutation # 491 Night Drive Mutation # 490 Masters of Midnight Mutation # 489 Bannable Offense Mutation # 488 What Goes Around
Brood War
General
ASL20 General Discussion BW General Discussion Diplomacy, Cosmonarchy Edition Soulkey on ASL S20 ASL TICKET LIVE help! :D
Tourneys
[ASL20] Ro16 Group D BSL 2025 Warsaw LAN + Legends Showmatch [ASL20] Ro16 Group C Small VOD Thread 2.0
Strategy
Simple Questions, Simple Answers Muta micro map competition Fighting Spirit mining rates [G] Mineral Boosting
Other Games
General Games
Stormgate/Frost Giant Megathread Borderlands 3 Path of Exile Nintendo Switch Thread General RTS Discussion Thread
Dota 2
Official 'what is Dota anymore' discussion LiquidDota to reintegrate into TL.net
League of Legends
Heroes of the Storm
Simple Questions, Simple Answers Heroes of the Storm 2.0
Hearthstone
Heroes of StarCraft mini-set
TL Mafia
TL Mafia Community Thread
Community
General
US Politics Mega-thread Things Aren’t Peaceful in Palestine The Big Programming Thread UK Politics Mega-thread Russo-Ukrainian War Thread
Fan Clubs
The Happy Fan Club!
Media & Entertainment
Movie Discussion! [Manga] One Piece Anime Discussion Thread
Sports
2024 - 2026 Football Thread Formula 1 Discussion MLB/Baseball 2023
World Cup 2022
Tech Support
Linksys AE2500 USB WIFI keeps disconnecting Computer Build, Upgrade & Buying Resource Thread High temperatures on bridge(s)
TL Community
BarCraft in Tokyo Japan for ASL Season5 Final The Automated Ban List
Blogs
Too Many LANs? Tournament Ov…
TrAiDoS
i'm really bored guys
Peanutsc
I <=> 9
KrillinFromwales
A very expensive lesson on ma…
Garnet
hello world
radishsoup
Lemme tell you a thing o…
JoinTheRain
Customize Sidebar...

Website Feedback

Closed Threads



Active: 1200 users

Life - What?

Blogs > OutlaW-
Post a Reply
OutlaW-
Profile Blog Joined July 2010
Czech Republic5053 Posts
Last Edited: 2011-06-26 02:42:10
June 26 2011 00:17 GMT
#1
As I am writing this, it is 1:32 in the morning. For any of you not interested in reading a story about someone being lost, skip.
+ Show Spoiler [Quite long..] +

Tomorrow, me and my class are going to a class trip. We're going to be there for 3 days, chilling, smoking, having fun, yet I can't force myself to look forward to it?
Let's start at the beginning. I'm 16 years old, currently finishing my first year in high school. I speak english, czech, german. I have a lot of friends, I'm a fucking god at league of legends, masters at sc2, A-B grades without ever learning.

This sounds like a brag post, I'll now, however, try to convince you that that's otherwise.
A year ago, I was a happy, bright kid. I was completely hooked and had a crush on this girl, but alas, i was friend zoned, and i was too young/immature to do anything about it, even if it meant rejecting, I wasn't man enough to get to anything. But I was happy, I was enjoying life, little things, everytime she talked to me I'd feel great. She ended up leaving and I felt really hurt. I won't go into details, but I was a fucking kid. That was the 9th year of school, a year that I'm jealous of, thinking back at it now.

What happened between now and then? Why the fuck am i writing this?
I was just so tired of being the happy, nice and genuine kid who got hurt and picked at by the more ignorant guys, so I decided I wanted to become one as well.
Right now, I feel so lost and dead. I feel no emotion, partly because of how hurt I felt. I decided I didn't want to be psychically be hurt ever again, so I discarded all emotion in that regard. I fuck up at something and people laugh at me? I don't feel anything. I do something and people tell me good job, meaning it really genuinely? I don't feel anything. I discarded all outside emotion for fear of ever being that hurt again. It was one of the biggest mistakes of my life, but definitely not the only one.

There are more reasons why I'm the way I am.
You see, I never actually worked at something. When I was in ground school, I was smart enough never to do anything at home to get straight As. My parents never forced me to do anything, they just believed that I was smart enough to realize everything myself. And partly, they were right, I realize everything. I realize I need to work, I realize I can't discard emotion, I realize I'm a fucking failure of life who is wasting time the entire day without achieving anything, I realize I have so many possibilities to make my life better with all the time I have, but what do I fucking do? I turn on the PC and play league of legends and watch anime the entire fucking day. When my dad confronts me with this, we end up fighting because I don't want to agree to all these facts.

It really makes me wonder about the difference about knowing and knowing.
Anyway, where was I. Yes, I was explaining why I was a failure. I'm pretty fat(100 kg at 193~ cm), I play video games the entire day despite realizing that it's slowly killing me and wasting my time that I could use(learning how to program, how to hack, how to play the guitar, piano, learning japanese/korean, doing sports to fuck bitches the whole day, there are so many possibilities open that I can't even count them all) Yet here I am, reading team liquid hours before something I should be looking forward to, but I really am not.
Now you know that I refuse outside emotion of fear of feeling hurt, that I waste my time and that I want to kill myself for it, yet I never do anything about it.
The second part has some roots in the first problem, but we still didn't get nearly close enough to analyzing everything that's wrong with me. This is also becoming a really long, chaotic read, so please bear with me.

I know that I just wasted your time with talking about how I reject outside emotion, but to be entirely honest, over the last year, I have lost complete emotion. I never feel accomplished(and this is a big part of why I'm the failure I am), I never feel satisfied, I never feel productive, I never feel bad, either, but as I found out, that's not worth the down sides. Last year ago, I was 15, and I wanted to become really good at the one thing I've been doing my entire life - gaming. I wanted to be professional in starcraft, and I had all the things I needed. I never played any rts before(outside of aoe2), and I got into diamond right away. Whoa! You must not be serious! I also got to masters right away, and no, I never cheesed. But isn't that awesome? Isn't that fucking great, filip, isn't that something to be proud of? Yes, yes it is. But I didn't care. My mindset for everything is that I'm either good, and that's expected, so I don't really feel anything special about it, or I'm bad, and I hate myself for being bad, just trying to fix it without really thinking about it. And when I do achieve something, I either don't even notice or just don't feel anything again. It's a bloody circle that I can't escape. Where was i, oh, yeah, I started playing less and less as I got increasingly frustrated of never exiting high masters and getting into grandmaster. I didn't have any motivation whatsoever(as with anything), and even the fact that I was good didn't help at all.

I ended up failing again, and resorted to watching anime and playing league of legends the entire day again. Why the hell am I so dumb? Why can't I just force myself to work and do something, so that at least one part of my life becomes meaningful? Because I know that in the state I'm at, I wouldn't feel anything again. An excuse. I've been trying to live my life without resorting to any excuses, but look at what became of it. I was overwhelmed by the amount of fail and information that I had to process that I became an abomination like this. I just want to feel that warm sensation of being proud of myself. I need to crack this shell that's stopping me from ever being something. I always thought that later, in my life, I'd be smart enough to do good in whatever situation I was thrown in and didn't think about it too much, and here I am, at the complete bottom of my life. I would say maybe 2% of people who started reading this got here, and I'm really, really slow at climaxing, so I apologize. If you've read this far, you might as well know everything. I want to change, really bad, and I have 3 ways how I can start. The first one is that I'll start to completely reset my personality and think about every little decision my brain has to make, and lie to myself about being a new, awesome person, which would hopefully make me the innocent, naive and vulnerable little girl I was, or just help me in achieving the feeling of achievement. Or, I could just start using excuses, and try to work through one part of my life, eventually becoming good at the others, too.(1 - starcraft 2, 2 - school and grades, 3 - doing sports and fucking bitches), Three, I ask my father to remove my memory cards, and force myself to either sit on my bed doing nothing or forcing myself to do something with the time that I'm not wasting on anime, lol, or tl.

After writing this monster that has no beginning, no middle, no end, and no chronology or order whatsoever, all I know is one thing. I won't do anything and I'll stay exactly the way I am. And even though I should feel sad, I really don't. I don't care. About anything. I'm sorry for having you read this, if you did. I salute you. It is now 2:16, and I'm 4 hours before having to wake up for my trip. And do you know what I'm going to do? Play league of legends. Tomorrow, I will probably have forgotten about this post, and will resort to being my old, useless, fucking piece of shit of a person. Again, I feel nothing.
reward :


Delete your post underage b&. You're incestuous for you're onee-chan so you're clearly not a bad guy, but others might not agree
mishimaBeef
Profile Blog Joined January 2010
Canada2259 Posts
June 26 2011 00:44 GMT
#2
Hmm i've been a low one at one point too. went from GREAT student in grade 5 to 3 years out of high school addicted to marijuana puking in a motel room toilet after quitting my job and dumping thousands into food and drugs... turned it all around and am one of the top students at my university...

have hope brother... but know that only you will be able to guide yourself through the path... and have the delight in knowing that on your trek you will inspire others
Dare to live the life you have dreamed for yourself. Go forward and make your dreams come true. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Carapace
Profile Blog Joined March 2011
Netherlands128 Posts
June 26 2011 01:05 GMT
#3
I`m nearly the same as you, It started with ignoring emotions, until i totally discarded them. So i never feel bad or happy. I did this when i was 8 and i`m also 16 now. I`ve become a total addict to computers and the internet. Failing school etc etc.

But since you don`t know the feeling of failure you won`t fear failing, That is a BIG plus. Since it WILL affect everything you do. because you don`t fear there is no stress. So you`ll take the time to do it. Atleast i do, rushing means working harders means i get exhausted faster. When i get losing streaks in SC2 and i dont want that.

But also i wanted to change, and failed.

This doesn`t mean because i can`t you can`t.

Goodluck!

unichan
Profile Blog Joined March 2011
United States4223 Posts
June 26 2011 02:15 GMT
#4
oh
i read halfway through then came back and it was gone
:)
OutlaW-
Profile Blog Joined July 2010
Czech Republic5053 Posts
June 26 2011 02:17 GMT
#5
, people werent interested, which i dont blame them for, so i took it down in case someone i know reads it, but i can pm it to anyone interested
Delete your post underage b&. You're incestuous for you're onee-chan so you're clearly not a bad guy, but others might not agree
OutlaW-
Profile Blog Joined July 2010
Czech Republic5053 Posts
June 26 2011 02:42 GMT
#6
whatever, its back now -.- im going to bed
Delete your post underage b&. You're incestuous for you're onee-chan so you're clearly not a bad guy, but others might not agree
br34ch
Profile Joined June 2011
Germany12 Posts
June 26 2011 18:58 GMT
#7
That is so normal... I know so many kids your age having such a phase. It gets way better in time. Girls/Guys are not everything. The relationship always comes in time.
You just lack self confidence, because you don't love yourself enough (sounds stupid, but I don't care). You can't love someone else if you don't love yourself and also you have to start living for yourself and not for the acknowledgement/love of others. Hard lesson, so learn it!
Sotamursu
Profile Joined June 2010
Finland612 Posts
June 26 2011 23:14 GMT
#8
Your problem isn't really wasting your time on games and I don't think your apathy comes from not doing anything productive. Sure, you could use all your time to learn all those cool skills, but would learning them really change your life for the better?

Everyone thinks that they have to achieve something great or else they're complete failures in life. When you think like that, the pressure to do something all the time is gigantic. You can't motivate yourself to work, because you probably fear realising that you can't actually achieve something great. It's easy to just play into high masters and then think ''Oh I could get into grandmasters if I put some work into it, but I just cba''. Everyone does that at some point.

You have to try and change thinking that every time you achieve something good, it's the least of what was expected of you. You need to just chill and stop worrying about your future so much. You have a lot of time until you really have to worry about anything serious. Live one day at a time, it's summer after all.

I know a lot of what I just wrote sounds like bullshit, but I've gone through pretty much the exact same thing as you have and I've sort of gotten over it as time passed. I just started taking things less seriously and began to enjoy the simple things. Like just going for a walk when it's a nice day outside. That doesn't mean be happy 24/7 as that'll just eventually make you depressed when something bad happens, like what happened to you.

As for the motivation, I started working with passion in college. Studying something your truly interested in is a great feeling and I'm sure you'll find new interests, meet new girls and start enjoying life in the future. Self loathing just takes too much energy.

CecilSunkure
Profile Blog Joined May 2010
United States2829 Posts
Last Edited: 2011-06-29 22:04:38
June 29 2011 21:58 GMT
#9
If you want something, do it. Once you do it and achieve it it's possible to then gain additional motivation to achieve something else. Don't care so much about what other people think! This whole "hiding emotions" idea you have is just a veil to say that you are self-conscious about what other people think of you. If you really had confidence then you wouldn't feel a need to hide from your feelings. I used to be the same way as you, exact same way (except I was suuuper skinny instead of obese). So step one: stop thinking about what other people are thinking. Work on this! You don't need the approval of people around you to validate your worth!

Great example: you think you are fat. Go jogging for 10 minutes and return home. Your legs will be sore, and your throat/lungs will hurt when you run. You'll likely have a buildup of acid in your system due to a lack of oxygen, which is a healthy process you'll go through when you start jogging, but it will make you feel sick for a short time after running. Jog for 10 minutes 3 days a week for 2 weeks. Each time you go jogging it will be easier and you'll feel better after the jog. This means you can now jog for 15 minutes 3 days a week the next week.

You're never going to get anywhere if you don't know what you want. Once you know what you want you can take small steps toward achieving your goal, which are in fact goals on achieving a goal. Saying "I want to be a professional player" is an impossible task to complete all in one gulp. Saying "I want to practice x for a week until it becomes muscle memory" is a task that is reasonable and realistic. Find out what you want to do, create realistic steps to achieve the goal, and then achieve each step one at time. I suggest you start with jogging!

I expect to see a blog about jogging from you shortly.
OutlaW-
Profile Blog Joined July 2010
Czech Republic5053 Posts
June 29 2011 22:04 GMT
#10
i guess im just going to blindly follow a goal that i set as reasonable, i kinda feared that because i didnt want to act blindly.. i also didnt want to hind behind any excuses, but thats kinda impossible i guess
thanks, ill try to do that first, we'll see how my character changes!
Delete your post underage b&. You're incestuous for you're onee-chan so you're clearly not a bad guy, but others might not agree
CecilSunkure
Profile Blog Joined May 2010
United States2829 Posts
June 29 2011 22:07 GMT
#11
On June 30 2011 07:04 OutlaW- wrote:
i guess im just going to blindly follow a goal that i set as reasonable, i kinda feared that because i didnt want to act blindly.. i also didnt want to hind behind any excuses, but thats kinda impossible i guess
thanks, ill try to do that first, we'll see how my character changes!

I don't know what you mean by "blindly follow a goal that I set as reasonable". Are you saying you don't know if a goal is reasonable or not?
OutlaW-
Profile Blog Joined July 2010
Czech Republic5053 Posts
Last Edited: 2011-06-29 22:40:10
June 29 2011 22:27 GMT
#12
On June 30 2011 07:07 CecilSunkure wrote:
Show nested quote +
On June 30 2011 07:04 OutlaW- wrote:
i guess im just going to blindly follow a goal that i set as reasonable, i kinda feared that because i didnt want to act blindly.. i also didnt want to hind behind any excuses, but thats kinda impossible i guess
thanks, ill try to do that first, we'll see how my character changes!

I don't know what you mean by "blindly follow a goal that I set as reasonable". Are you saying you don't know if a goal is reasonable or not?

The most focus being put on the world blindly, i need a goal, its kinda similiar to starcraft, and a reasonable goal would be to gradually get into running, i didnt want to do anything blindly for fear of becoming someone i didnt want to/not having control of who im becoming, but that didnt work out. i guess ill start with starting to improve myself physically
Delete your post underage b&. You're incestuous for you're onee-chan so you're clearly not a bad guy, but others might not agree
Xxio
Profile Blog Joined July 2009
Canada5565 Posts
June 29 2011 23:01 GMT
#13
There is never anything that you should be doing. You are always doing exactly what you want to be doing, no matter what. It might be that you are confusing social and/or familial standards with your own, and thus, creating discontent.
KTY
Please log in or register to reply.
Live Events Refresh
Korean StarCraft League
03:00
Week 80
davetesta39
CranKy Ducklings27
HKG_Chickenman13
Liquipedia
[ Submit Event ]
Live Streams
Refresh
StarCraft 2
WinterStarcraft467
NeuroSwarm 191
RuFF_SC2 172
Nina 79
PiLiPiLi 20
StarCraft: Brood War
Noble 54
Bale 16
Icarus 12
Dota 2
LuMiX1
League of Legends
JimRising 488
Trikslyr66
Cuddl3bear1
Counter-Strike
Coldzera 696
Stewie2K109
Other Games
summit1g8680
C9.Mang0328
Maynarde201
ViBE196
XaKoH 142
Organizations
Other Games
gamesdonequick944
StarCraft 2
Blizzard YouTube
StarCraft: Brood War
BSLTrovo
sctven
[ Show 14 non-featured ]
StarCraft 2
• Berry_CruncH170
• AfreecaTV YouTube
• intothetv
• Kozan
• IndyKCrew
• LaughNgamezSOOP
• Migwel
• sooper7s
StarCraft: Brood War
• RayReign 42
• BSLYoutube
• STPLYoutube
• ZZZeroYoutube
League of Legends
• Stunt375
Other Games
• Scarra1346
Upcoming Events
BSL Open LAN 2025 - War…
4h 40m
RSL Revival
6h 40m
Reynor vs Cure
TBD vs Zoun
OSC
17h 40m
BSL Open LAN 2025 - War…
1d 4h
RSL Revival
1d 6h
Classic vs TBD
WardiTV Invitational
1d 7h
Online Event
1d 12h
Wardi Open
2 days
Monday Night Weeklies
2 days
Sparkling Tuna Cup
3 days
[ Show More ]
LiuLi Cup
4 days
The PondCast
5 days
CranKy Ducklings
6 days
Liquipedia Results

Completed

Proleague 2025-09-10
Chzzk MurlocKing SC1 vs SC2 Cup #2
HCC Europe

Ongoing

BSL 20 Team Wars
KCM Race Survival 2025 Season 3
BSL 21 Points
ASL Season 20
CSL 2025 AUTUMN (S18)
LASL Season 20
2025 Chongqing Offline CUP
BSL World Championship of Poland 2025
RSL Revival: Season 2
Maestros of the Game
StarSeries Fall 2025
FISSURE Playground #2
BLAST Open Fall 2025
BLAST Open Fall Qual
Esports World Cup 2025
BLAST Bounty Fall 2025
BLAST Bounty Fall Qual
IEM Cologne 2025
FISSURE Playground #1

Upcoming

IPSL Winter 2025-26
BSL Season 21
SC4ALL: Brood War
BSL 21 Team A
Stellar Fest
SC4ALL: StarCraft II
EC S1
ESL Impact League Season 8
SL Budapest Major 2025
BLAST Rivals Fall 2025
IEM Chengdu 2025
PGL Masters Bucharest 2025
Thunderpick World Champ.
CS Asia Championships 2025
ESL Pro League S22
TLPD

1. ByuN
2. TY
3. Dark
4. Solar
5. Stats
6. Nerchio
7. sOs
8. soO
9. INnoVation
10. Elazer
1. Rain
2. Flash
3. EffOrt
4. Last
5. Bisu
6. Soulkey
7. Mini
8. Sharp
Sidebar Settings...

Advertising | Privacy Policy | Terms Of Use | Contact Us

Original banner artwork: Jim Warren
The contents of this webpage are copyright © 2025 TLnet. All Rights Reserved.