+ Show Spoiler [Quite long..] +
Tomorrow, me and my class are going to a class trip. We're going to be there for 3 days, chilling, smoking, having fun, yet I can't force myself to look forward to it?
Let's start at the beginning. I'm 16 years old, currently finishing my first year in high school. I speak english, czech, german. I have a lot of friends, I'm a fucking god at league of legends, masters at sc2, A-B grades without ever learning.
This sounds like a brag post, I'll now, however, try to convince you that that's otherwise.
A year ago, I was a happy, bright kid. I was completely hooked and had a crush on this girl, but alas, i was friend zoned, and i was too young/immature to do anything about it, even if it meant rejecting, I wasn't man enough to get to anything. But I was happy, I was enjoying life, little things, everytime she talked to me I'd feel great. She ended up leaving and I felt really hurt. I won't go into details, but I was a fucking kid. That was the 9th year of school, a year that I'm jealous of, thinking back at it now.
What happened between now and then? Why the fuck am i writing this?
I was just so tired of being the happy, nice and genuine kid who got hurt and picked at by the more ignorant guys, so I decided I wanted to become one as well.
Right now, I feel so lost and dead. I feel no emotion, partly because of how hurt I felt. I decided I didn't want to be psychically be hurt ever again, so I discarded all emotion in that regard. I fuck up at something and people laugh at me? I don't feel anything. I do something and people tell me good job, meaning it really genuinely? I don't feel anything. I discarded all outside emotion for fear of ever being that hurt again. It was one of the biggest mistakes of my life, but definitely not the only one.
There are more reasons why I'm the way I am.
You see, I never actually worked at something. When I was in ground school, I was smart enough never to do anything at home to get straight As. My parents never forced me to do anything, they just believed that I was smart enough to realize everything myself. And partly, they were right, I realize everything. I realize I need to work, I realize I can't discard emotion, I realize I'm a fucking failure of life who is wasting time the entire day without achieving anything, I realize I have so many possibilities to make my life better with all the time I have, but what do I fucking do? I turn on the PC and play league of legends and watch anime the entire fucking day. When my dad confronts me with this, we end up fighting because I don't want to agree to all these facts.
It really makes me wonder about the difference about knowing and knowing.
Anyway, where was I. Yes, I was explaining why I was a failure. I'm pretty fat(100 kg at 193~ cm), I play video games the entire day despite realizing that it's slowly killing me and wasting my time that I could use(learning how to program, how to hack, how to play the guitar, piano, learning japanese/korean, doing sports to fuck bitches the whole day, there are so many possibilities open that I can't even count them all) Yet here I am, reading team liquid hours before something I should be looking forward to, but I really am not.
Now you know that I refuse outside emotion of fear of feeling hurt, that I waste my time and that I want to kill myself for it, yet I never do anything about it.
The second part has some roots in the first problem, but we still didn't get nearly close enough to analyzing everything that's wrong with me. This is also becoming a really long, chaotic read, so please bear with me.
I know that I just wasted your time with talking about how I reject outside emotion, but to be entirely honest, over the last year, I have lost complete emotion. I never feel accomplished(and this is a big part of why I'm the failure I am), I never feel satisfied, I never feel productive, I never feel bad, either, but as I found out, that's not worth the down sides. Last year ago, I was 15, and I wanted to become really good at the one thing I've been doing my entire life - gaming. I wanted to be professional in starcraft, and I had all the things I needed. I never played any rts before(outside of aoe2), and I got into diamond right away. Whoa! You must not be serious! I also got to masters right away, and no, I never cheesed. But isn't that awesome? Isn't that fucking great, filip, isn't that something to be proud of? Yes, yes it is. But I didn't care. My mindset for everything is that I'm either good, and that's expected, so I don't really feel anything special about it, or I'm bad, and I hate myself for being bad, just trying to fix it without really thinking about it. And when I do achieve something, I either don't even notice or just don't feel anything again. It's a bloody circle that I can't escape. Where was i, oh, yeah, I started playing less and less as I got increasingly frustrated of never exiting high masters and getting into grandmaster. I didn't have any motivation whatsoever(as with anything), and even the fact that I was good didn't help at all.
I ended up failing again, and resorted to watching anime and playing league of legends the entire day again. Why the hell am I so dumb? Why can't I just force myself to work and do something, so that at least one part of my life becomes meaningful? Because I know that in the state I'm at, I wouldn't feel anything again. An excuse. I've been trying to live my life without resorting to any excuses, but look at what became of it. I was overwhelmed by the amount of fail and information that I had to process that I became an abomination like this. I just want to feel that warm sensation of being proud of myself. I need to crack this shell that's stopping me from ever being something. I always thought that later, in my life, I'd be smart enough to do good in whatever situation I was thrown in and didn't think about it too much, and here I am, at the complete bottom of my life. I would say maybe 2% of people who started reading this got here, and I'm really, really slow at climaxing, so I apologize. If you've read this far, you might as well know everything. I want to change, really bad, and I have 3 ways how I can start. The first one is that I'll start to completely reset my personality and think about every little decision my brain has to make, and lie to myself about being a new, awesome person, which would hopefully make me the innocent, naive and vulnerable little girl I was, or just help me in achieving the feeling of achievement. Or, I could just start using excuses, and try to work through one part of my life, eventually becoming good at the others, too.(1 - starcraft 2, 2 - school and grades, 3 - doing sports and fucking bitches), Three, I ask my father to remove my memory cards, and force myself to either sit on my bed doing nothing or forcing myself to do something with the time that I'm not wasting on anime, lol, or tl.
After writing this monster that has no beginning, no middle, no end, and no chronology or order whatsoever, all I know is one thing. I won't do anything and I'll stay exactly the way I am. And even though I should feel sad, I really don't. I don't care. About anything. I'm sorry for having you read this, if you did. I salute you. It is now 2:16, and I'm 4 hours before having to wake up for my trip. And do you know what I'm going to do? Play league of legends. Tomorrow, I will probably have forgotten about this post, and will resort to being my old, useless, fucking piece of shit of a person. Again, I feel nothing.