This evening was wonderful, and absolutely terrible.
My best friend/ex-lover Evan (explanation) is moving in a week to NYC, so we are trying to spend as much time together as possible before he leaves, even though I'll still be able to see him every so often. He texted me when he was on his way back from getting supper, and asked me if I wanted to go with him on a walk.
I was just out of the shower, so told him I would meet him downstairs in a few minutes. I didn't see him when I got outside, so I started walking towards the building he lives in, figuring I'd meet him along the way. Turns out he went into the lobby to use the restroom--and this I find funny--came out and followed my smell til he found me. Not that I douse myself in perfume, or something, but right after I get out of the shower I smell like my shampoo and lotion, which he really likes... and apparently can follow, lol.
Anyway, we walked down to the engineering courtyard, which is this beautiful zen place, with grey slate benches, and birch trees, and a fountain. The stars are hard to see in the middle of the city, but we lay on a bench and look at some of them for a while before taking off our shoes and playing in the fountain. It's summer, so not many people on campus, and no one catches us.
We climb out then, and he shows me pictures and videos from the karate camp he went to last week, as well as his grandmother's farm, where he has been helping out lately. It made me miss the country. I love being in the city where things don't ever close, since I am a night person, but at the same time, I love long walks in solitude through fields, and the trees and stars. Maybe sometime I will get to see his grandmother's farm, I don't know.
We decided to climb up the stone walls that run around the fountain, which was a bit difficult for me, since I was in a dress and ended up cutting the back of my legs. But once we were up there it was worth it. The birch trees droop all over the wall, and it was almost like being in a tree house. At this point, we did not really have any deep conversation going on, just being playful, almost flirty, but no intention there to make it that way.
Around midnight I asked to go up on the rooftops. It was something I wanted to do all last semester and we just didn't get around to. The engineering buildings are about 8 stories or so high, and right near the river, facing the downtown, which looks really beautiful at night. I absolutely fail at picking locks and carding doors, but he is quite adept, and hence we are able to get up on the roof. (BTW-- the elevators in the engineering buildings have sparkly floors, which is completely unrelated and also FREAKING AMAZING and causes me to take unnecessary rides in them.)
We climb out onto the roof, and it's amazing. A soft breeze, high above the city streets and cars and noises, and you can see so very far from up there. In the east the downtown sparkles, and you can see the river. Down below are the tops of trees. Feels like a moment from a movie-- a different movie than time we were on the roof before in the rain. It was an amazing feeling.
And then it turned awful.
It felt so damn perfect. Being on the roof, being together in that silent, happy companionship you can only have with someone you are very close to. But at the same time there are all of these enormous boundaries between us now. It felt so instinctively right to lean against him and let him put his arm around me and kiss the top of my head. But I couldn't. And I felt so overwhelmingly aware of this distance between us, even though we were sitting next to each other.
And then he says to me that he wishes he could do so many things right now, and how beautiful I look in this dress, which is his favorite, and how frustrated he is that things are this way, that he can't hold me, that we have these boundaries. He feels it too, and even though he is the one that broke things off with me, and claimed it would not work between us, he regrets it in many ways now.
It has been better for our friendship. Things have started over. He is re-earning my trust as a friend. Doing a lot of self-reflection, and trying to improve how he treats me (and others). Trying to get to a point where he is able to have a good relationship with someone.
But all the feelings have not gone away. There was such an intimacy-- not in a sexual way-- but just in sleeping next to each other, and making soap bubbles in the shower, and nights when we sat in silence next to each other reading, or when he showed me the code he was writing, and explained some new concept or another to me. The hugs and the cuddles, and the little hello and goodbye kisses. That is not there anymore. It is painfully clear now that it is not easy to give those things up. The sex was amazing, and yeah, I miss it. But I miss those little things more.
I did the right thing. I went back to my own room. Now sitting on my bed in the dark, writing this blog. Not having a warm body lying next to mine, or the quiet, regular breathing of another person never felt more lonely than tonight.
Ugh, I have to read another blog to understand this one. Unfortunately for me, I have an exam tomorrow, so this will probably be short, but I hope its reassuring (Jesus Christ these are long, maybe I should study...)
Okay, I just read your previous blog entry (that you linked here). Why is he leaving? For a job in Washington?
I don't understand this distance at all so I can't really say much.
Naw, for a job in NYC (2 hour bus ride away), so more of an excuse than a legit distance issue, especially since his family/many friends live here and he will be back possibly even once a week.
So... is the issue really just an unfortunate distance thing? If so, I don't think there is much to say.
I will say that the distance will be heart-wrenching as it is difficult. While the distance will be hard at first, it will become something comfortable and willing. You'll soon find how to resume your more independent life and incorporating people in your life that took a backseat back when he was there with you. I'm going on a limb here, but how often do you see your friends, hang out with them, play video-games or have a good talk with them rather than your boyfriend being the source and answer to everything?
At least now, you'll have room to prioritize things, consider other aspects of your life that didn't seem to fit in the picture quite well, quite yet. As noted before, hobbies can now have a better attention and full interest.
On the flipside, when he does come to visit. The time you guys will spend will be more spaced and perhaps more cherished. I like to think this sort of relationship as a camel, the further you guys walk constantly together, the less water or life there is. I guess it is a bit of a cynical view, thinking that a relationship is a slowly trickling dehydrated camel, but at the same time, I do believe in the idea of having room for yourself and for relationships (you probably already do this, but let me do my Jerry Springer thing, al'right? ;D!)
In any case, I hope things work out. 2 hours is barely unfortunate by my standards, but then again, I've not experienced, done or lived the things you have.
So... is the issue really just an unfortunate distance thing? If so, I don't think there is much to say.
I will say that the distance will be heart-wrenching as it is difficult. While the distance will be hard at first, it will become something comfortable and willing. You'll soon find how to resume your more independent life and incorporating people in your life that took a backseat back when he was there with you. I'm going on a limb here, but how often do you see your friends, hang out with them, play video-games or have a good talk with them rather than your boyfriend being the source and answer to everything?
At least now, you'll have room to prioritize things, consider other aspects of your life that didn't seem to fit in the picture quite well, quite yet. As noted before, hobbies can now have a better attention and full interest.
On the flipside, when he does come to visit. The time you guys will spend will be more spaced and perhaps more cherished. I like to think this sort of relationship as a camel, the further you guys walk constantly together, the less water or life there is. I guess it is a bit of a cynical view, thinking that a relationship is a slowly trickling dehydrated camel, but at the same time, I do believe in the idea of having room for yourself and for relationships (you probably already do this, but let me do my Jerry Springer thing, al'right? ;D!)
In any case, I hope things work out. 2 hours is barely unfortunate by my standards, but then again, I've not experienced, done or lived the things you have.
I hope all goes well nonetheless.
P.S: if you go to NYC, visit the TL HQ!
Shouldn't you be sudying?
Camel?
Really? That humpy spitty bitey thing. Romance is officially dead.
Yeah, I'm studying Derrida and fucking Mead. Not exactly what I want. My exam is in 12 hours and I have this odd annoyance where if I study, I'm overlapping the things I already know or didn't study as much and it bothers me, so I'm resorting to a faux-psychology therapist role to romances I hardly experience myself (purely because I have 3 main strict rules when it comes to people, communication and understanding).
Yeah. Camel, I was going to go with Cactus, but then it made even less sense.
Romance is just overt and blatant thanks to social media sites :/
ahhhhhhhhh I read both your blogs and I seriously think you guys need to just be together. You guys obviously are great together and love each other. The ONLY thing keeping you apart is the distance thing. Assuming both of you are almost done with college and moving on to jobs you can find a job close to him or him you or what not. Unless there is some other thing between you two keeping you apart. Then that's a whole different story.
If you continue to be friends you will want a relationship. Even if you think you don't, you will. If you stop being friends you will compare everyone you meet to the other person and realize how much everyone else sucks. At least for a good while. This is coming from watching friends in a similar situation.
My two cents. Hope things work out which ever way they go! =)
Hmmm... I don't think people understand why he/we broke it off in the first place. The distance was not an issue. Either I wrote the first blog poorly or it's late and you are all studying for finals.
Distance was one of many excuses for why we could never have a relationship-- along with being a GA, and not sure if he was ready for a relationship, and being stressed out by school, and having a 'different life' than me now that he is moving off to work full time, etc.
The reason we are broken up now is because it was a shitty emotionally abusive? (perhaps too strong, but getting there) relationship that was entirely dependent on how he happened to be feeling that day, where I was constantly trying to figure out how to not upset him by wanting to talk/spend time with him when he wanted space, or by being unhappy about the state of the relationships. It resulted in him being a terrible lover, and a terrible friend. He would constantly change his mind about whether or not he wanted to be with me, and then blame my unhappiness about it on me.
So before anything else happens between us, I had better be his girlfriend (after a year of bullshit, I insist). And I am only willing to be his girlfriend once he gets his shit together. And if he gets his shit together... he may even have no interest in me, or I in him.
In the mean time though, it sucks. :/ Which is what this blog is about.
I'm sorry to hear (or more correctly, read) about the complicated past you had with Evan. I can kind of relate, as my girlfriend and I had a bit of rockiness in our relationship. We had dated for around two years, but the combined stresses of family, long distance, and applying to medical school led to our separation. At the time, I didn't realize how important and special she was to me, and we both gave up, feeling resigned to fate.
We separated, and for four months, I was in the worst rut I had ever experienced in my life. She was lonely, and at the time, it seemed that she had found another person to replace the void in her life.
I knew that if we couldn't live out our plans of raising kids and growing old together, I would never face life with the same optimism and excitement, and that I would never be possessed by the same sense of innocence and naivete in future relationships, but instead constantly mired by memories of her serving as a comparison for all the women to come. So on July 4th, I made an unannounced visit--an 8 hour drive--to the city she was in. I didn't even know where she was staying for the summer. She hesitated to see me at first, and it was not until three hours of waiting in my car until she finally agreed to meet me. And as you mentioned, there was that distance. Despite everything that could feel so right, there was this invisible chasm between us, that we both felt, that we both understood. But unlike you, neither of us had the power to go back to our own rooms that night.
A few visits later, we realized how we had both changed and matured. She was willing to give us a chance again. I was so happy to have her back in my life. As of today we've been together for a little less than a year after our separation. In total, it has been three years. I'm planning to propose to her some time in the near future (she knows I post on team liquid, so I don't want to spoil too much).
If Evan truly loves you, I think that he will come back for you. I'm not sure how long it's been since you guys have been apart. But give it some time. It took me a good four months (and the addition of a third party) before I truly realized how important she was to me.
And if he doesn't come back for you, then he's not worth it. Just from reading this blog post and skimming the one you linked, I can tell that you have many attractive qualities that some guys would die to have in a companion. It may never be the same. But the future may be even better.
His excuses for not wanting to be with you are just iffy. Scared of committing is one since he is moving but in this time of internetness people thousands of miles away can still hold together a decent relationship, 2 hours distance doesn't really.. compute.
Just take time for yourself now and be what you want to be and grow as a person. I'd suggest having little to no contact with him just for your own sanity unless you're into those sleepless nights wondering all the "what if" scenarios. You'll still have them but not having contact with him helps you more in the long run.
Even if you find yourself meeting up with him and still wanting him years later you won't get anywhere without looking after yourself first and being mentally happy and healthy. Part of this would be letting go of all the bad things and how irresponsibly he was acting during this time that you know him now.
For once I was like "am I reading livejournal or tumblr?", but your blogs are, like you said, much better than TL girl blogs
To be honest, I thought you and Evan were in your late teen's until I read the he's GA/finishing master degree/going to work for Google part. I'm not saying you're naive or stupid, I just feel like both of you are very young. I think once you start work, meet a lot of more new people, make new friends, see more happy/sad stories of other people, you will get over it easily. Time and experiences change everything.
I moved 8 times in past 9 years, 4 different cities. I totally understand how you feel when you are afraid of losing someone. I made friends in every city including some I'd say BFFs and I felt sad when I left them. Because I know no matter how close we were, distance (thinking about thousands of miles) matters. I still talk to some of them on a regular basis and I treat them well when they visit me and vice versa but I also lose many many friends simply because we are no longer into each other's life. Maybe you should think about what you really want with your own life and from this "friend". No matter what your answer is, go fight for it. Don't wait another year.
First of all you indeed write beautifully and really engaging , altough i've given my 2 cents in your previous blog i really cant find any good advise or understanding in words. For some odd reason your blog reminded me of one of my all time favourite maiden songs the lyrics you might find soothing even if u arent into maiden's genre
ugggh why does everything that i encounter today make me feel more shitty >.>
anyhow, it sounds like it hurts a lot - but still, i think it's somewhat of a beautiful thing that it exists, even though it's not the way you want it to be.
On June 22 2011 21:41 TheBJ wrote: First of all you indeed write beautifully and really engaging , altough i've given my 2 cents in your previous blog i really cant find any good advise or understanding in words. For some odd reason your blog reminded me of one of my all time favourite maiden songs the lyrics you might find soothing even if u arent into maiden's genre
EPT
