GOD SCRAPS PLANS FOR RAPTURE, TAKES MACHO MAN RANDY SAVAGE INSTEAD
New York – In a surprising turn of events, founder of the Oakland-based Christian radio network Family Radio and end-of-the-world advocate Harold Camping has released a brief press dispatch detailing a conversation that allegedly took place, “directly with God,” where the two conversed at length about the end of the world, among other topics.
Camping, who rose to prominence as the voice of the Family Radio after inaccurately predicting the end of the world previously in 1994, has long espoused the view that the rapture will take place on Saturday, May 21, 2011, with the heretics and heathens to be “left behind” for 5 months of agonizing catastrophe before the world simply comes to an end in October. Camping says his view on this all changed when he conversed directly with what he describes as, “Definitely God, the real God. Absolutely, had to be him.” The press release, which Camping notes has been left short and intentionally vague, contained the following:
Greetings, fellow Christians. It burdens my heart to tell you all that we will not be ascending this weekend to spend eternity with our benevolent creator. In His infinite wisdom and compassion, he has seen fit to let us continue our mission here on earth, and has instead chosen to ascend former champion wrestler and Slim-Jim pitchman Randy “Macho Man” Savage. We must learn to accept that this is all just part of His plan, and one day this tree will bear fruit. Peace be with you, Brothers and Sisters in God.
Savage, born Randall Mario Poffo to Jewish and Italian parents in Columbus, Ohio, was a second generation wrestler in the tradition of his father, Angelo, an Italian WWII veteran who once held a world record for his ability to perform sit-ups for hours on end. After a brief stint in baseball’s minor league farm system, Poffo followed his brother and father into the family business of wrestling, eventually settling on “Randy Savage” as his character after his stint as Spiderman knock-off “The Spider Friend” was ill-received.
Initially Poffo, now Savage, took the route of heel, playing up the part of a crazed, ego-maniacal bully stalking the mats until growing popularity dictated the character take a turn towards becoming a ring “hero”, a feat which was accomplished when he partnered up with fan-favorite Hulk Hogan. Savage would go on to a prolific career involving multiple comebacks and extended fueds, and is widely regarded as one of the most influential and iconic figures in the sport’s history.
Camping claims that Savage’s death, reportedly due to a traffic accident and possible heart attack on the morning of May 20th, 2011, was actually orchestrated by God to soften the blow for those expecting rapture. “Macho Man was a great figure, and I have no doubt that God is telling us that although we may not be lifted up on chariots this weekend, good things do happen to good people, and soon we will join Mr. Savage up in Heaven.”
The news rings particularly problematic for Camping’s followers, many of whom have made extravagant or excessive purchases while under the belief that they only had a limited number of days left on Earth. Susan Barnes, a secretary at Camping’s Oakland offices, pulled the savings from her bank accounts and children’s tuition trusts to fund an extended trip to exotic destinations around the world, as well as purchase big-ticket items including a carbon-fiber bodied BMW M3 sedan. Upon hearing the news, she told us, “I don’t know what I’m going to do tomorrow. I hope we get pulled up. I really do. We’ve spent so much of the savings, and we’re so ready, I just don’t know what I’ll do if we don’t all die and rise up to heaven tomorrow. I know it’s all part of God’s plan, but it’s just so inconvenient for us right now. I don’t want to be stuck here on this planet any longer, and I don’t think God would play such a cruel joke on us.”
Frank Albersol, a producer for one of the local Family Radio stations, isn’t as disappointed. “I never really bought into it, to be honest. All these people acting like they’re gonna get tractor-beamed up to heaven are out of their minds. I mean, didn’t they bother asking why the corporation asked to push back our tax filing extension from July to November. Wouldn’t they already be gone before the first deadline? They have me producing segments for the rest of the month, so I guess they’re not all that reckless and irresponsible, I’m just surprised some of these people have even survived this long. Did you see that one woman with the carbon-fiber BMW? That thing costs more than all the houses on my street.”
While many questions remain unanswered, most Americans say they’ll spend the day living out their lives, and have no worries about an impending apocalypse, and that’s something we can all snap into.
Well anyway if it's still happening, and if anyone from toronto is not attending rapture, feel free to join me for looting. I will need help carrying stuffs!
One thing is for sure, Randy Savage was at least as much man as the rest of mankind combined, so it seems like a fair trade. Seems like God goes for quality over quantity, then.
Wait, are the quotes real? Like about the women who spent her kids tuition on the BMW and then said it would be like god playing a joke on them? This can't be real. How can someone put all their trust in a voice from a radio?
Soooooooo..... He's saying the world won't end because macho man is dead?
If it wasn't so damn sad I would be laughing.
Greetings, fellow Christians. It burdens my heart to tell you all that we will not be ascending this weekend to spend eternity with our benevolent creator. In His infinite wisdom and compassion, he has seen fit to let us continue our mission here on earth, and has instead chosen to ascend former champion wrestler and Slim-Jim pitchman Randy “Macho Man” Savage. We must learn to accept that this is all just part of His plan, and one day this tree will bear fruit. Peace be with you, Brothers and Sisters in God.
Actually this is one of the funniest things iv ever read, but it's still really sad that people spent their savings.
On May 21 2011 04:14 Hawk wrote: Jack, would it be proper of me to honor Mr. Savage by getting this screeened to the back of my pick up truck??
When I close my eyes, I can feel Mr. Savage telling me that a more appropriate tribute would be to install stairs on the back of your truck, a la the Bluth staircar, and then dress a male real doll in the "Macho Man" fashion to ride along behind you as a constant reminder of what we can all aspire to.
On May 21 2011 04:14 Hawk wrote: Jack, would it be proper of me to honor Mr. Savage by getting this screeened to the back of my pick up truck??
When I close my eyes, I can feel Mr. Savage telling me that a more appropriate tribute would be to install stairs on the back of your truck, a la the Bluth staircar, and then dress a male real doll in the "Macho Man" fashion to ride along behind you as a constant reminder of what we can all aspire to.
In case you were unclear as to Mr. Savage's wishes:
On May 21 2011 04:19 Hellie wrote: One thing is for sure, Randy Savage was at least as much man as the rest of mankind combined, so it seems like a fair trade. Seems like God goes for quality over quantity, then.
On May 21 2011 04:14 Hawk wrote: Jack, would it be proper of me to honor Mr. Savage by getting this screeened to the back of my pick up truck??
When I close my eyes, I can feel Mr. Savage telling me that a more appropriate tribute would be to install stairs on the back of your truck, a la the Bluth staircar, and then dress a male real doll in the "Macho Man" fashion to ride along behind you as a constant reminder of what we can all aspire to.
In case you were unclear as to Mr. Savage's wishes:
EPT
![[image loading]](http://i66.photobucket.com/albums/h267/icedguardian530/savageheaven.jpg)
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/KZ1wM.png)
