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I just want to start off by saying that I don't expect pity, I just want cold-hard objective advice from the people who I feel are most object, my fellow SC players.
My career goal: MD/PhD, clinical/translational research. Ok, yeah I know how hard it is, I've had professors tell me that its pointless and/or its too damn competitive. That's cool. I still want to do this though. I don't want to be a doctor who doesn't contribute crap to the field and yet makes more than PhDs. Also, I don't want to be just a PhD since you get almost no patient interaction.
My road: Well, this is a long story...
Everything in my life was super normal until my parents got divorced. Well, isn't that pretty normal itself in America? Anyways, I'm the oldest brother in the family, have a younger brother about 2 years younger, and one that is 9 years of age. So, I got stuck with providing for the family because quite frankly the alimony/child support my mom gets isn't enough to support anyone. Also, my mom doesn't have a degree. I was 15 or 16 when this happened, and during my senior year of high school I worked full-time. I remember times where I would get out school, go to work, go home, sleep, wake up, repeat or straight back to work. I somehow managed and got an almost full-ride to my state school. I tried taking my family out for dinner as often as possible, and did home maintenance on top of all this.
Right when the court decree was finished, the house was inevitably going to be sold. At the time, my mom thought it would be a good idea to buy the other half of the house since my brother could finish up his high school at the same place. I agreed, and because I wasn't 18 at the time I didn't cosign the mortgage, otherwise I probably would have been on there. Our first mortgage was a fixed mortgage with an insane payment (lets just say PITI alone was more than child support + alimony). Anyways, then we got stuck in a terrible ARM mortgage (paid off the previous one) which at the time seemed amazing because of the real estate boom/bubble. Our house was appraised at $330k, but under those market conditions it was probably actually worth around $450-500k. My mom took an additionally $75k to do renovations, etc. I thought it was a great idea and was always supportive and tried to help out. My mom planned on flipping the house in a few years anyways, so why not. This was our only home and we weren't raping the system like other people were.
I started college, and was able to support myself and my family. Got good grades, everything was great. Mom paid the rent with the extra $75k that she got, and I helped with other costs of living for them. At the time, I was going to college in a city about 100 miles away from my family. I didn't have time on weekends to volunteer at hospitals, etc etc, because I'd go home to do house maintenance (paint the house, mow the lawn, etc).
My mom decided it'd be a good idea to go to cosmetology school as well, and she took out yet another loan (student loan) on top of several credit card loans and federal financial aid to fund this endeavor. That's fine, she got her degree or whatever. She also somehow ended up in 3-4 accidents in 2 years, so I ended up playing lawyer and wrote letters to insurance companies getting anywhere from $2-4k per accident. She also needed knee surgery for some unrelated accident (but she always blames the parking lot accidents for this). That was over 1-2 years ago. I continued to try to take my family out for dinner as often as possible and take care of them.
In between all of this I've held multiple jobs, even 2 at the same time working almost 60-70 hours a week during one summer. It was quite ridiculous because no one in my family wanted to get a job to support themselves. I didn't need to work that much to support myself, but I did it for my family. We still have money from the $75k leftover, but at some point I knew that money was going to run out and I was trying to set an example or something. Again, I didn't get much time to do the ridiculous extracurriculars that are pretty much required for med school admissions because I was too busy slaving myself.
But before I knew it I was in my junior year of college. Still, no one in my family had a stable job, even I didn't. My mom had a stint for about 10 months at a salon, but they weren't paying much and she wasn't getting many hours. Junior year is when most people decide to take the MCAT and start their application process. I decided not to because I still had to figure out what to do with my family. Also, I just got a pretty competitive position in a summer research program that would also extend itself to the academic year.
Senior year came around and things were going great, except the money my mom had dried up. Miss a payment, and they take your house away. Again, I stepped in and spent countless hours researching and writing letters, playing lawyer, and somehow...somehow...I got a loan modification which is allowing is us to stay in this house. I graduated with my BS, and was ready to apply. Except, something happened that I'd really rather not share. Anyways, I decided I would move back with my family and try to get a job as a researcher to help out and to also give me more experience. I was hoping I could find a job, get 3 months of research experience and apply...that didn't happen, I still don't have a job as I sit here and write this.
During the summer about 8 months ago, I tore my ACL playing soccer. It was the most foolish thing too, I was wearing an old pair of cleats that should probably have been replaced, but since we didn't have money I couldn't exactly do anything. I decided not to get surgery immediately as I was in denial that I had torn my ACL despite MRIs showing that it was highly likely it was torn. In any case, surgery wasn't even particularly necessary. Except, my range of motion in my knee was severely limited and I could BARELY walk. Thank god I actually had health insurance...my dad somehow started caring about us again and has provided us with pretty awesome health insurance. So, I decided it might be best to get the ACL reconstruction done since I'm insured. If I didn't and became uninsured then would it be covered since it would then be a pre-existing condition? Also, the sooner I got the surgery the sooner I'd be able to get back to hopefully finding a job. Post-surgery life SUCKED. I was in a brace and crutches for about 6-8 weeks. My GF took care of me for a straight week, but then after that things were super shitty. I couldn't cook food so I pretty much went to sleep hungry a lot, and we didn't have ice at home for my knee because our ice machine was broke. I kept asking for someone to get me ice, but no one could drive to the McDonalds right behind my house to get my ice. I ended up having to have another procedure done since my range of motion still sucked (partly due to the fact that I wasn't able to ice my knee as needed). This whole thing has left me about $5k in debt alone owing mostly to the hospital, surgical fees, machines, and knee brace. Oh, did I mention I had to go through graduate school to keep my insurance, and so I had to go to school a week after my op? My dad said he'd pay for my grad school, but he only ended up paying half my tuition leaving me another $2200 in debt along with the $2000 in CC debt that I have from living expenses. Yeah, it sucked, but as my GF tells me, "if you don't have shitty moments in life, the great moments won't be enjoyable." I couldn't agree more, and I don't mind being in shitty situations.
Anyways, I'm finally able to walk again, though not without pain and not as well as I'd like to. I'm back to doing volunteer research with a professor who wanted to kick me out because I couldn't attend his class because I had surgery (really cool professor though, and he seems to be somewhat sympathetic). I've pretty much found an interim teaching position, and I think I'm gonna be starting soon, no guarantee yet. I'm also applying to Teach For America for next year as a main/backup plan. However, I'm trying to study for my MCAT and just can't get myself to do it because I have that lingering financial problem over my head. I can't seem to advance my own career because it seems that I'm spending too much time on my family and they can't repay the favor. I know I'm going into a career (medicine), where people won't be thankful for what you do, so I don't hate my family for not being there to support me when I need/needed help. I just can't leave them alone. And if I do, will I be burning a bridge? I mean, they've annoyed me so much that I think when I leave I'm just going to cut off communication with them. Every time I talk to my mom she talks me into doing something for her. Aside from all that, I know that if I leave they're just going to fall apart. My other brother just drives my car around without a care in the world and can barely afford his own tuition. He refuses to get a job and my mom supports this because she thinks he does too much... Would I be an ass if I just left them? At this point in my life I really want to work on my career, but now I'm stuck and if I stay with my family I become even more stuck. So, do I leave, do I stay, do I just cut off communication?
On top of all this, for the past few months, my GF has been taking care of me even though I live at home with my family. She was fortunate enough to have found a job and pays for our meals and stuff regularly (we see each other like 3-4x a week). I mean, I feel terrible for not paying for crap when we go out. She already got a position in Teach For America and will be moving to LA this summer, I'm trying to follow her over there.
My dream is still alive, and I know I want to pursue an MD/PhD but I just feel stuck right now. Any advice guys?
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Wow, how in the world do you get time to play SC ^^
I really admire your courage and your gumption, thats something that America needs more of right now.
Family is really important to me, but it almost seems like you have been carrying yours on your back this whole time. Maybe its time to take care of yourself a little, maybe itl give your younger brother a little push in the right direction to have to work a little too.
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By the sounds of it, you aren't even close to your family (just assuming here), and besides, you are at an age where you can/should move out, and usually the limiting factor for that is money, but I think in this case, you will probably have less money going the other way. Give it some thought, I know its family and all, but straight up from reading this, I wouldn't even think twice about leaving
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PhD/MD is not worthwhile. If you want to do clinical research, just be a biostatistician (shit load of money, no debt).
If you want to do medicine, just be a doctor (even greater load of money, but lots of debt as well)
Why would you do both is beyond me. You don't need an MD to be able to talk to patients, I am sure.
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Is it possible to try it out for a semester and dump a part if want to?
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Do you have other family that you can talk to about this? Like your grandparents to get this straightened out with your mom or something. And man I would sympathize for ur mom if she was working hard giving it her all to support her children but it seems to be the opposite in ur home and ur mom seems borderline lazy.
I mean I know a few families where they're divorced but the mom works like crazy trying to support her children and if that was the case i would tell u to put ur career on hold to help out ur family but ur situation is different. The best way i think is try to talk it over with a family member before u make unraitionalized decision on ur own. Or a close friend.
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Nothing is impossible. You'll be surprised what a person is capable of in a lifetime, yourself included.
That said, you do have to consider whether the venture you are undertaking is going to be worthwhile compared to the alternatives as considering the shortness of life, opportunity cost comes at a premium.
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MD-PhDs programs are paid for if you get in, in the US ... I believe.
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On February 04 2011 10:59 Quasimoto3000 wrote:
Wow, how in the world do you get time to play SC ^^
I really admire your courage and your gumption, thats something that America needs more of right now.
I actually don't get to play that much sadly. I've had ladder stints here and there, right now I barely have like 100 ladder games and I've had the game since release. I love SC2 a lot, but laddering would be hella frustrating for me since I strive to be the best at everything I do, and I'd be extremely mad if I wasn't winning a ton. However, I still watch a ton of GSL and stuff, so I still know what's going on and what the BO trends are. Aside from all that, my GF and I have been playing a lot of TF2 online since we got the Orange Box for $7.50, that's one of the few things that keeps me sane and from literally killing myself. Each day I look forward to TF2, and hopefully I can start laddering again. I'm still stuck in platinum, hopefully I can get into diamond, maybe being in diamond can be a resume booster?
I talked to my dad and he wouldn't mind if I moved up to his place in Vermont, but the problem is that he lives in the middle of nowhere in a small town. There is no hospital/university for me to continue doing research/volunteer work. Grandmother from mom's side is disabled, and grandfather from dad's side lives with dad.
My mom's excuse for not working is to take care of my 9 year old brother who goes to school 8-3 and apparently she needs to clean the house that's in a perpetual mess. She also has a hoarding issue which has left the house in a bad situation. I tried helping her open up a salon in the house (yes I know, super SKETCH idea, but she convinced me that it was worthwhile). So, I got her some used equipment/machines and they are currently sitting in the living room untouched for quite a while. She's not even allowed by the board to practice at home, but she'd rather lose her license before she gets a real job. The only thing that keeps us afloat is welfare (was unemployment, but that pretty much ran out, and now food stamps) and charitable contributions from her friends and family...
I tried getting a job at mcdonald's or some other fast food place and got denied cuz I'm overqualified...So...lol I dno... I feel like I'm fighting a lost cause. no matter what I do, if I choose my career first, I lose the battle cuz the house is gonna go down...if i don't choose my career I lose anyways cuz I'm giving up my own happiness...
On February 04 2011 13:11 lac29 wrote:
MD-PhDs programs are paid for if you get in, in the US ... I believe.
this is mostly true, all of the MSTP programs are, and a lot of non-MSTP are as well. there are a few that aren't. however, this isn't why i am pursuing it. i've had student loans in the past, and i'd do it again just to have an opportunity to be learning science.
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you have 2 choices (at least that i can think of) for your situation:
1) Counselling - ur family does not have any mental illness, but from what i gather, they are really dependent on you, which can be seen as having fragile mentality. Also, this can be used to make them understand that they need to do their part in contributing to the family. Don't know whether this is free or requires payment, but if it does cost you, there is another choice.
2) Leave your family - If you leave, then your family has to make huge changes, one of which is getting a job. And if they go along with the necessary changes, then it will be win/win situation. But on the other hand, if they can't make those changes after you leave, well they could end up in the streets or worst case scenario, die.
Of course 1 is the most favourable option, but if push comes to shove, 2.
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I'm an older brother too and I get the whole "taking care of your family" drive. I've had to do more than my fair share at times because I was the only one capable.
However, at some point you have to ask yourself - am I taking the weight of the world on my shoulders? I understand you love your family and want the best for them, but to forge your own way as an adult you need some degree of independence. Events separate from you, like your mom getting into accidents, all seemed to directly impact your life and the time and effort you put into your family.
Now think about this - what would happen if you stopped working so hard for them and put all that energy into achieving your goals. What would happen?
When I moved away to college I felt that the family life at home would change and wind up worse off. It did get worse, mostly because of my parents' divorce my second year, but the entire time my parents, especially my mom, urged me to keep pushing towards my success and that they'd be fine. I didn't believe it, but I did what she said. Before my senior year I spent my first summer home in three years. I thought my presence would curb bad behaviors or turn something around. When it was all said and done I could have been gone for the summer and things would have been about the same. Families move along the roller coaster of life. There are parts that suck, but they all support each other and get through it. What I'm trying to say with all of this is that putting all your energy into your goals and not your family won't result in your family collapsing. No matter what happens, they'll get through it.
My next point is something I worry quite a lot about - is this REALLY my goal because I want to it for myself, or because I want to be successful per the role of the big brother? I'm pursuing a PhD and like most grad students have doubt about it at least once a week. My most recurring doubt is being successful for the sake of being successful. Make sure you have your own set of reasons for pursuing this line of study - don't just do it because you've been doing impossibly hard things for years and are continuing the course because it's all you know.
On a side note, TFA was my backup to grad school, though, I didn't apply because I was accepted to school before the TFA deadline. It's a ton of work, but if your heart is into it it's a very enriching experience.
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Calling troll on this one. If not, well, you said you didn't expect pity.
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On February 04 2011 22:43 ThunderGod wrote:
Calling troll on this one. If not, well, you said you didn't expect pity.
lol, i didn't want pity. wanted some advice. turned in my TFA application on friday, but then if i get it i'm going to feel obliged to do it (my gf got a position with TFA in LA). but then i'll probably end up putting my application together later x.X *sigh* more complications.
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I'd look into sticking with your GF and going to LA. If you can get a job with Teach for America in LA, go for it, but if not, perhaps consider furthering your education there?
You've done a ton for your family, but you can't keep that up. I'm big on family myself, but you need to be happy too. If your family isn't willing to help (sounds like it, one bro isn't getting a job, your mom isn't either), then you need to stop helping them, IMO. It's time to do what you want, make yourself happy now; you've done all you can for your family, they need to take the reigns themselves at some point.
Your GF sounds fantastic, she's taking care of and supporting you, so I would stick with her and go to LA. Hopefully you can get a TFA job there, but if not, look into a hospital/research work, whatever you want to do. Do something that makes you happy, you've done a ton for others with little in reward.
gl hf
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EPT
