EPTI Had a Nightmare Last Night
Last night I dreamt I was playing StarCraft, but it was no ordinary game of StarCraft. Sure, it started out simply enough, with me splitting my 4 workers and mining happily for the first minute of the game, but trouble began when I sent out my first scout.
The map seemed strange. It was like I didn't belong on it. I saw a critter I'd never seen before—some kind of robot thing—and it frightened me. The map was also much smaller than what I'd expect. I'd never played it before, so I didn't come in with any expectations, but I had to ask my opponent if it was really a pro map. He said it was. Strange.
When I got to his base the real trouble began. He was making creep colonies—the chobo fool—and he wasn't expanding. Well, fine. I'll just get some siege tanks and m'm and destroy this fool. A creep colony morphed itself onto another part of the creep without a drone anywhere near it. What the fuck?
I told myself it must just be some kind of a weird bug. Creep colonies can't just make themselves. That's impossible. His first lings hatched and I ran my SCV deftly around his minerals. He hadn't even gotten his gas yet, but they seemed to have speed upgrade. I didn't think my SCV had much of a chance to survive anyway, but there wasn't much point in scouting creep colonies—which by the way he wasn't even morphing to sunkens. As soon as his lings followed me off the creep they lost their speed. I didn't know what to make of it.
Back in my main base I had a small force of marines and medics ready. I figured I'd just end this buggy game and go home, he was wasting so much money on creep colonies, after all. So I moved my m'm army to the front of his base and prepared to attack. I scanned his ramp—much wider than I was used to seeing in pro-maps for the main—and what I saw you wouldn't believe. It was like some kind of greenish lurker egg. When it hatched, I didn't know how to describe it, except that it was a ball. This was becoming madness and I needed to end it fast, maybe even report the bug to Blizzard. I moved in for the attack, and the Zerg engaged my army willingly.
It was carnage. Every single one of my marines and medics died in explosions which I can only describe as the explosions of an infested terran. This game must be bugged out of its mind to let him morph infested terrans. He hasn't even infested one of my command centres—I quickly tapped 3 twice to check—much less does he even have a queen this early in the game... right?
At this point I knew I was way behind from losing my force which was supposed to end the game. I turtled up and decided a tech route would be the best option. What will he least expect? Well, if he's abusing a bug to make infested terrans out of lings or drones (he had nothing else), then maybe that's the only thing he knows how to do and he'll just keep making those damn things. The clear solution is wraiths. Even bugged infested terrans can't hit air.
A minute or two later I had a few wraiths with cloak moving toward his main to do some economic damage. I have pretty good micro, if I do say so myself, so even with Zerg's free detection I should be able to do a little damage. To my dismay he had a legion of hydras waiting in his mineral line with more overlords than would be worth picking off. In my frustration I figured I'd just let him kill my stupid wraiths and leave the game. It was bugged anyway. No one would laugh at me.
My wraiths flew in, cloaked, and the hydras just stared into space, not attacking or anything. Were they stuck? Does this guy know he needs to hit the s key to free them? Fuck telling him. He's already abusing bugs up the wazoo, this is just karma. I snipe a bunch of drones and feel pretty satisfied. More hydralisks come to the scene, probably on attack move, but they too do not attack my wraiths. What's going on? I see one of his overlords begin to transform. Is he making flying infested terrans now?!
It transformed into a scarier looking overlord and my wraiths exploded in an instant from hydralisk fire. What the? So many thoughts were running through my mind. The cute, huggable overlords I've become so accustomed to can transform into that thing? And that is the thing that suddenly revealed my cloaked wraiths? What is this bullshit?
I'd done my damage and I was pretty sure we were on even footing, but what the hell was there to do now? I can't transition intelligently if I don't know what the hell he's capable of making. I scanned the middle of the map to see if his army was on its way. It wasn't, but there was a tonne of creep colonies all over the place. Everything about this is so wrong. What am I talking about? When Terran is in a bind, the solution is always marine medic firebat tank vessel. ALWAYS. I wasn't about to start getting cute with vultures or mass mech. Right now I needed the old standbys. The army I knew I could control, even if it was against this bug-freak of a Zerg.
I took my third and forth expansions, and I scanned continuously for any lurkers or defilers I could irradiate. I saw none. How am I having so much trouble with a noob who can't even build defilers and lurkers? He was only just getting his third expansion, but man did he have a tonne of drones. I scanned again, and saw something that resembled an ultralisk.
It resembled an ultralisk, but it was definitely not the kind of ultralisk I'm familiar with. It looked to be about as big as my command centre, and it towered above the zerglings and infested terrans that surrounded it. I irradiated it and the dozens of lings around popped and squelched with horrific gore. This idiot isn't even building scourge. I practically have free reign. Then every unit in his army moved at once. Not in quick succession, as if he'd typed 1a2a3a4a5a6a7a8a9a0a (and he would have needed so many keys to move the army of lings, ultra and infested terrans he had), but all in an instant with no delays. Does this guy hack as well? A multiselect. No. It's not beyond the possibility that there is something more deeply wrong with this game right now. A simple hacker would not be able to change the graphics of the game like this, not on my end. This was something bigger.
His army swarmed into my marines medics firebats tanks and vessels. I irradiated as many ultras as I could, but I had only just gotten two or three vessels out. I pulled the front marines and medics back in hopes that the marines behind would destroy the infested terrans before they hit. To my great joy they did. To my greater disappointment the mammoth freaks of nature that seemed less and less like the fat charming ultras that I knew, and more and more like demons, were tearing through my marines much faster than they should have. It was as if they had splash damage. Everything died.
In a haze I watched my base get overrun by the massive zerg army. What I had destroyed of it was instantly rebuilt on just his 3 bases. I don't know how 4 hatches could make so many lings that fast. I typed 'gg' and hid in the safety of the chat channel, shivering and unsure. When I opened my eyes I sighed and wiped my forehead. It was just a dream. It wasn't real. Zerg can't really make infested terrans out of zerglings. They can't really make creep colonies for free that improve the speed of all their units. It was just a dream.
